Day 226: Hope and Guilt

It’s so easy to give up without trying. It’s so easy to find a distraction and hold on to it as long as possible in the mode of waiting and hoping that the next time when “train” comes I’ll jump and go. Cycle after cycle and the behavior becomes an automatic response. Booom I am gone – replaced by the mind machine, programmed robot. Where am I in this?
Standing in the background, or another, better expression to describe the state – fence sitter. I was actually afraid of this definition, strongly trying to believe that I have overstepped into another side.
I know it’s not true, I know I should have done more, I know there is no way back, and I know that waiting and hoping nothing will change – I have to move myself.
So I can say till thus far that this journey to walk as self-willing being towards the desired change is the most difficult journey I have ever been on. There is nothing pushing me to go forward – it’s just me, and whenever seeing the absolute responsibility I hold in my own hands I was always taken aback, giving myself more time to slowly incorporate this realization.
Not realizing that in that moment I was going back into my mind providing it with the opportunity to recuperate and build defenses and so remain on the “safe” path of preprogramming.
Hope is truly a big point, becoming ever more clear in time. Procrastination is the best buddy of hope hiding within each corner promising the end which never comes. My mind is a politician that bargains every day for a moment of continuation and so far I have been buying this promise. So the question yet again I ask myself – who am I in this?
Will I life this life as an ordinary being, in blind ignorance? No that’s not possible, because an ordinary man still lives in a dream state not even realizing about the actual reality in his conscious mind versus myself where I have already been fully exposed to the knowledge of the reality and so every minute of failing to take action is deliberate decision with full understanding about the consequences for myself and all.
No excuse of justification is valid and I do understand that, and as no real substantial change within me happens, this takes me to the point of silence and guilt within myself. Like a child that’s been caught cheating and is prepared to accept the consequence of standing in the corner hoping that this will not take long and once again the child is able to continue the same behavior but with some more caution to not get caught.
Time to grow up and realize that I am child and I am a parent and there is no one watching after me but only me myself – I am trying to fool myself.
The guilt is not necessary; self-forgiveness is here – to be continued

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