Observing the small, seemingly insignificant, activities throughout my day I can start seeing the bigger picture of me. I mean all the small bits and pieces of how I live my life constitute the totality of who I am. Every thought, every word, every action and decision determines the outcome. It is not cool when I find myself at the end of the day, or the end of the week, month or a year with the saddening realization – I haven’t produced any of the changes that I wanted.
So it’s crucial to examine those pieces and make sure that each piece reflects my bigger decision – to change. In this nothing is insignificant. I found just today, with help of my partner, how one simple believe was standing in my way of effective living. This was in relation to how I have been approaching my studies and more specifically the discipline that is required to commit my time to actually do the study each and every day. My believe was that I have to first program myself into the discipline character through forcing myself each day to spend time studying. It was like a perceived fight with myself that I have to engage into and force that change. That was like a living postponement instead of being here in each moment of the day and living my decision to move within my studies by actually finding the available moments in my daily living and committing to sit and just do the study. Of course within this, through consistent self-application I will in a way program myself to become more effective in this where my action of study will become like a norm of my living day whereas now it still has to be done with much awareness and some pushing of myself to actually do it.
So basically I was lacking that simple decision like– “ok, I have now a period of a few hours where I am not doing anything so I move myself to open my textbook and read it, do the assignments etc.”
This pattern of running off into the future is influencing not only the point of studies but also other areas of my life. I noticed that with simple tasks around the house. Here again i go through a complex process of decision making – Usually I find myself standing in the middle of the room contemplating what, where, how to do it – in this most of the times making a decision to not do it at all as all seems so complex. Again here I am missing the simplicity of going out there and actually starting something, making actual physical investigation – instead of mulling around in the mind and producing some shitty emotion that puts me off from doing the work.
The mind is very good at making things seem more difficult than they really are. I have already proven to myself on many occasions that when I make myself go out there, begin something I find way and methods to make it work. In this it very clear that what was happening within the process couldn’t have been predicted in the mind as the mind has its limits of perception (and it looks like the mind when thinking fills the gaps of what is unknown with the symbolism of infinity/impossibility sending the message of “better don’t go there”). So in many ways the process in the physical is unpredictable and only through application the points will become clear and so if I am clear about what needs to be done, as well as if I have some options of how to proceed, I will be fine – something will work out, because it does as I have already seen.
All right so the self-direction is clear in this – have to move myself, engage myself into activity and learn within that, learn how to deal with whatever comes up in the moment and finding best possible solutions in any unpredictable situation. That’s the fun.
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