Day 249: Consolidating Myself into Self-Destructive Characters

imagesDay in and day out, within each breath that I take I exist as some thoughts or reactions or some emotions and feelings. During this time in whatever I participate most in my mind – I become that.

What happens is the consolidation of the behavior patterns. Meaning: what gets most attention in my mind throughout prolonged period, the things in which I spend most of the time, they become “the norm”, as if “that is the way it is, as it has always been”. Now what I am noticing about myself is that I am beginning to consolidate myself into a certain characters that are not what’s best for me and for all, and so in time they grow stronger thus becoming the main characters gaining all the ground and fighting for survival in most effective ways. In this then the change becomes more difficult.

The characters I exist in and as are familiar to me, they are ME, all that I have ever known – so I believe. The memory is very short and I am not even able to remember who I was before developing my main characters I currently exist as. Who I was when I was still a child knowing nothing nor understanding the concepts of self-definition – like being inadequate, inferior, unworthy, anxious etc. All that was programmed later in my life – I mean, I have undergone “education” process at home by parents and at school where all of that was taught in and outside the classrooms. Later the television told me another vision of what it is that I should aspire and become equal to – yet again creating more separation and judgment towards the real characters that I have become. So all is designed to produce hope in us just to make sure we do not see directly at reality as that surely will make us angry and we will surely challenge the status quo

Yet who is allowing all that? It’s me, I am allowing myself to be inferior to these characters, mostly by judging them, judging myself for existing in and as these characters and in this way consolidating them into and as myself. In this I have a hate and love relationship with them, loving them perhaps 1% and hating 99%. So it’s kind of strange how in this change can be difficult, yet when we look at the whole our world all exists in the same principle – where 1% of world populations controls the 99%. That is mostly because the 99% is so divided between each other that no agreement can be reached. I wonder now if that same applies to me in this character game? I suppose so where this 99% of my time is spent in self-blame, self-judgment, all the negative predominant aspects of my life while the 1% of the positivity that remains keeps me from going mad, turning tables and taking definitive actions to change.

So the process is to shun away that 1% realizing that it’s only a cover tactic, an energetic blanket of positive feelings covering the reality that is here all the time. Then I remain standing “in the rain” and have to move myself to solve the shit. In this I force myself to understand the causes of my negativity and all the troubles troubling me. After this follows the solution where I redesign myself to stand and apply myself with necessary corrective actions and do it constantly and consistently until I consolidate myself as a new character that is beneficial for myself and all life.

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