So I have just become aware of a point that has always been here but never entered my radar for actual investigation. Somehow I shunned the experience as the thoughts, imaginations, fantasies, hopes around this point away as not relevant. It’s strange to suddenly see and realize that something that I have been participating in and as for so long, which became almost unquestionable part of me, is actually an obstruction, a splinter in my mind that is not allowing me to move effectively in my process.
That point is the great desire to acquire intelligence. Now when I am observing this point in my mind various memories open up to show me how much I was actually seeking to become an intelligent being and so become able to demonstrate this intelligence in my reality gaining thus the value within self-perception. It seems now that every moment that I spent in the mind I was inflicted with this desire and only moments where I was actually remaining here in and as my breath I was able to, for a moment, let go of this desire and even laugh at myself and the struggle that I am putting myself through. It was always a refreshing experience but never a lasting one because as soon as I would give way for the mind to take over and direct my life it would again do the same what it always did, what I, without real awareness, programmed it to do.
Now the questions I am asking myself is what it is exactly that I was seeking? What is this intelligence to me? What forms does it take? In what contexts I was mostly desiring it? How did I want to utilize this intelligence? Essentially the question is what was my starting point in wanting and desiring to become an intelligent being?
Now the dictionary definition says that intelligence is: the ability to comprehend, to understand and profit from experience
That is pretty accurate definition of how I was living this word and especially the word profit is relevant as it shows the self-interest as foundational goal in utilizing intelligence. So whenever the first two conditions would be achieved – the comprehension and understanding of something, the profit part would also follow. In any case that took some form of Ego boost as apparently I was becoming MORE within this newly acquired understanding.
To be continued…
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