The pattern of communication has been one of the most prominent points in my life and I am still in the process of figuring out how do I manage to shut myself so completely within moments when I know that I must push myself and face my fears.
The problem begins when during a conversation there comes a point of some conflict and instead of pushing myself to communicate and get to the point of clarity I shut myself down completely into the space of my mind and there I am attempting to sorts things out on my own, trying to get clarity on what is happening. I go over and over through the points trying to see what is the best way to proceed but still I find myself unable to find and define the problem and so I just remain in the safe zone in my mind where I put on the walls that grow bigger and bigger with each passing moment. From here the movement becomes especially difficult and even though I realize that the best time to deal with the problem, to speak up, is right now I still accept and allow the consequences to build to the point where it becomes a matter you can say it of “life or death”.
So this is a repeating pattern that I have been working on and it has been slightly improving where I move myself, through the greatest resistance, to deal with the situation sooner. Yet at some instances the resistance is still great and I remain inactive for a bit longer, yet I am not allowing myself to remain possessed until somebody else comes to pick me up.
I see this point is completely unacceptable after spending so much time around it, it cannot last forever and the line must be drawn where as I said I have arrived at the point of either you live or you die. The choice is obviously mine to make. So what it’s going to be Arvydas? Well I am making and living the decision to snap out of this preprogrammed behavior and change into a human being that has the guts to remain in whatever storm and deal with it to the best of my ability.
I have been around and lived with beings that are the best examples of how to live in self-responsibility in each moment. At Desteni I have been shown and assisted how to sort myself out and it’s time to show some gratitude by living the solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation when things get tough
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when communication gets tough to program myself to hide in the space of my mind instead of standing stable, unconditionally releasing all my ego defenses and then working together with another being towards a solution that is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can sort things out in my mind by disregarding the actual situation that is here where in this I am not considering another being that is in direct conversation with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this type of behavior was learned when I was still a child where I would hide within myself whenever my parents would attack me for something that I have done, yet not having the proper vocabulary and skills to talk back I would simply shut down within myself until the parents would feel bad about what they have done and would get back to me with apologies
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am no longer a child and that I am more than capable to deal with all situations as an equal where in this I realize that I take full responsibility and stand accountable for all my actions thus I have nothing to fear or defend
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I close my eyes and run away from the problems they will automatically resolve not realizing how each unresolved point is simply layering and remaining within me and further influences all the interactions within my reality
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to, unconditionally, let myself out from the deep end of the confined space within the mind into the external reality where in this I allow myself to see myself, I allow myself to not fear making mistakes and I allow myself to develop the self-trust
I commit myself to stand up by stopping the preprogrammed mind run its course and develop self-direction no matter how big is the resistance to just remain as I always was
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