One of the points that I find very agitating and causing great self-judgement is the point of communicating effectively with system authority. In this the major pattern which, I am seeing, stands in my way, is my sensitivity and fear of any real or perceived negativity towards me if and as I will start voicing my concerns.
This way of accepted living causes and contributes a lot towards developing and maintaining the activity of my mind thinking process or the so called backchat where instead of communicating the points that arise within me with the relevant people I internalize all the interactions and, basically, remain stuck in the alternate mind reality, just because of the fear and anxiety to cause some negative reaction where, to go even further, I create various scenarios of what could happen if I do voice myself.
Having this kind of ineffective practical living ability surely separates me from the many possibilities that exist in term of walking within this system where I live only through the chances and odds in terms of how the system moves by itself/ through the participation of other beings. There is no self-directive drive ensuring I create and design my own path that I am willing to walk.
So what is this fear and why I allow it to direct my whole life. One thing I see is the point of change where, I mean that I have mostly always been like that, that’s who I am with all it’s positives and negatives. To go a bit more into it I can start noticing the unwillingness to change the point of responsibility where I do understand that change does involve becoming much more responsible and I do like being and living with less responsibility where I can still do what I WANT. Apparently I have the free choice to do as I wish and so I wish to remain the little me as long as I can.
The limitation, however, within this is extremely annoying where I am just a follower and have to accept the rules of the system, no matter how degrading they are, without any ability to question and have a say in any form of change for the better.
Here I am as always faced with the same point of practicality of actually changing myself through stopping my basic programming and developing new set of skills that will assist me to voice myself and participate effectively within the current system. Here naturally it must realize that time and patience will be required to change that which took years to live into my flesh as what I have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making the move and so the actual communication/interaction with other beings because of the existing fear to look ridiculous and make mistakes which I believe will have negative consequences
When and as I see within myself the fear and anxiety arising upon facing the decision to communicate/interact with another I stop and breathe until I stop the energy surge and within that I formulate within myself in absolute clarity the point I want to address and from here I make the move to participate and learn in the process realizing that mistakes will happen but each time I will stand up, learn from these mistakes and thus develop through actual practice my necessary skills to become as effective as I can be