Day 269: Knock Knock where am I?

imageSo I have been asking myself a lot some time ago how is it possible that some people that started the process disappear? I could not understand how you can manage to deny the reality to such an extent where you drop self investigation and completely absorb yourself with “normal” system living.

Well now I have answered myself this question, where for most of the time I have not even realized that I am actually living the answer. Looking back it’s amazing to see how slowly and apparently unexpectedly I started to disappear more and more losing my awareness of myself. I have only evolved in my mind with creating bigger and more “truth sounding” justifications of why it is ok to walk the road of actual and obvious self-diminishment. My whole life shifted into the future, where I was constantly living for the next thing, basically I lived within an imagination where I imagined myself doing things in the future, never now.

Well it’s the popular pattern of postponement that is like a virus keeping things stuck within accepted ways that are established by the age old automatic world system.
Surely I have made attempts to stand up, like the whole time, but each time with even slightly bigger success I would experience the “revenge of my ego” where every attempt would eventually sink me deeper into the mind. Without having clear understanding or better to say a clear decision within myself to work hard on each point that presents itself, I was less than my ego and thus how it always managed to suck me into the trap, again and again, should not be surprising.

Slowly the realization is dawning upon me that only effective awareness of breathing that ensures the mind doesn’t get the required energy can really get me through. I can see my sources of energy that I use for energy production to fuel my own enslavement. Energy is not life but only a very sweet imitation of life where most are fooled into this belief and where I can also relate to this experience having spent so much time being distracted from what is really here through it. I mean what’s really HERE does affect and influence me all the time but it’s like I am not here, I am not really participating in that which happens to me but I only wait for something to happen.

Imagination reality is much better where there are so many stories that I can watch on TV for example and add and shape pieces to my own imagination and feel good for just a while until somewhere I am faced with reality.

Another point is the routine job that provides me with great opportunity to not be concerned with actual reality because there are no challenges, no systematic necessity to really be aware or deal with unknown factors within the job because they rarely happen. So I am able to have undisturbed space between jobs to have and create my own individual world of imagination. Most of the times it’s absolute shit especially when clearly seeing the extent of self-limitation I have created for myself by myself. Only those few positive moments of interacting with my imagination are satisfying and apparently worth slaving for???

Now I am stopping myself where I am identifying the priority points within my living and reestablishing the commitment with myself to focus on that which matters as well as identifying all the points used for distraction to become aware and ensuring when they come I am ready to say no with an understanding of the possible consequence if go down that road. So it’s time to Stand back on my own to feet and walk for real.


One comment on “Day 269: Knock Knock where am I?

  1. danmalara says:

    Thanks for articulating this Arvydas.

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