Day 281: Time is Against Me

imageYears are going by and it’s becoming ever more evident that without self-directive action to change myself this will not happen by itself nor anyone else from outside is able to do that. For most of my life I lived in hope that in time the change will happen yet how it will happen I had no idea and years later I am still waiting for that something more and more realizing that I am just waiting for myself.

It’s a shame that I have taken my life here on earth and the things/opportunities I have for granted. I kept telling myself that I have time yet the time is working against me, especially realizing that real change requires a lot of time and consistency thus meaning that even upon making the self directive decision to take action to change there is a lot of time still required to realize that. So essentially there is no time to waste.

Recently I have been in a state of mind where I am looking back upon my life and experiencing a lot of regret for missing the opportunities to act and for all the time I have wasted with trivial self interested ways of living. Many things I have done served nothing else but my short term desires which lead to nowhere.

Even though, already years ago, I have understood within my mind the necessity to create my own change and I have been shown the ways to do it, still i have managed to compromise this gift and in this waste some more time. It’s as if I am running towards some disaster that would show me, stop man, look what you are doing, do you see the consequences of that? And yes I can see the consequences in myself very clear now, I see them in my internal and external reality, and I am absolutely not satisfied with what I am seeing. There are always moments and periods where I pick myself up and promise myself to keep acting in a responsible way to create a definitive change in the future yet it always dissipates along the way and I exchange the quick fix solutions for a sure long term goals that I set for myself.

Another interesting point is the point of self definition that in time keeps solidifying and more and more determining the outcome of who I am and who I will be and remain. That is scary and that calls for action. I have just listened to a very supportive interview showing how time is working exactly as that solidification of self definitions we have about ourselves and with every passing year if nothing is done these self definitions become unbreakable walls that we build around ourselves closing any opportunity for self expansion and growth. Now in order to get to know these definitions it’s necessary to observe the thoughts we have about ourselves and in that it becomes obvious how we hold ourselves hostage to the beliefs we create. We repeat and live the limiting statements in our minds, we also allow other people to define us by reacting to their words or statements directed towards us.

However within all that I keep reminding myself that I am the one who holds the keys to myself and thus comes the responsibility to act and so define a new future that I would like to live as myself.

Thus, to be continued…

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