All people make mistakes, but what separates us from each other is how we deal with those mistakes. Some of us will be dragged down and create even more self-doubt while others focus on immediate resolution not allowing the past to haunt them.
Throughout my life I was mostly the former type of guy where the mistakes I made would create a downward spiral where my mind would latch itself with every detail of the mistake and the fear with further projection of things going wrong would become a constant companion. It is not hard to see how this state of mind would in fact produce further complications. My behavior, the words I spoke would resonate that self-doubt, the fear and the uncertainty into my interactions with other people and I am absolutely sure that people do pick up on that and essentially reflect you back to yourself. Also this mind state of fear and self-doubt would act like a safety wall ensuring I do not get close to situations where I can possibly make mistakes thus manifesting fear into a physical level, where I was living it completely.
Now all this was basically a constant negative experience and the greatest desire was to find a way to end it. Now there are a few ways to do that and it’s either by facing the fears and finding the solution at the core, or, as I have done, which is to create short-term escape mechanisms to make myself feel better and forget about my reality for a moment. These would be things like immersing myself into prolonged sessions of watching entertaining movies and videos, occasionally doing some drugs and also watching pornography as the greatest tool to ignore reality and forget myself, at least until I was done and had to face another day. So to make things much worse on top of the initial fear, self-doubt and uncertainty in relation to making mistakes I added layers of shame and guilt and now from here the real solution seemed very far away.
Existing in this vicious cycle for many years and proving to myself beyond doubt that if I continue like this my life will be an absolute disaster filled with regret and anger at myself for not taking charge for who I am in time. It seems there is a line, crossing which I don’t really want to know what happens. Perhaps in can be viewed as another mistake only on a bigger scale and where again you’ll have to make a choice of you will you be. There is, of course, the end line at some point.
So from here my focus shifted in how to become that other guy, the one that can remain standing tall when mistakes are made, the one who immediately starts looking, finding and applying solutions. To get closer to this I started observing the people around me that possessed these qualities. This was very supportive in this process. Not surprisingly those people were in higher position within the system. They were not afraid of responsibility and they were not taken aback by the occasional mistakes they made.
Having equipped myself now with this new knowledge of how to deal with my mistakes I still had to test it in real live situation. The moment came and so I was faced with myself and the potential for change. The awareness wasn’t immediate and initially upon making a mistake at work I went the usual route of beating myself up and projecting gloom and doom. Only later that night I slowed myself down and upon seeing that I am, again, going down the same old path and then viewing my whole life in relation to that and that it just cannot continue like that I did stop myself and shifted my mind to the new thinking. I told myself that I will not allow myself to ruin myself for this mistake and that no matter what happens I will go out there the next day and I will not bend my head to anyone but I will stand tall and not fear but welcome more responsibility. The same night I have also looked more closely at the mistake I have done and what factors played in my making of this mistake and having identified the main causes I am now more aware and I know what I should watch out for when performing tasks thus I can prevent such mistakes from ever happening again.
Next day came and I was amazed at myself how quickly and easy, also rewarding and enjoyable it was to participate with others with not from this position of fear and self-doubt but being confident, being present and essentially a part of the team. I realize that it’s good for no one to have the so called drop-outs who bring the spirit of the team down, isolate themselves and wallow in self-pity. So it was cool to be able to forgive self for the past and move on.