Giving Up

It’s been probably few months now since I have made the decision to pick up on writing after approximately 4 year gap, ever since I have managed to convince myself that writing is not that important. And I did that despite mostly enjoying the process of writing, enjoying that intimate time with myself where I would explore and discover new things about me, truly learn stuff and really expanding in so many ways. So now I ask myself how the hell I managed to perform such a cunning trick on myself and also how to get back?

Looking at where and how I started slacking I see many small decisions over time, I see very convincing excuses and justifications, little voices in the head slowly but surely veering me into other directions. And I am sure there could be valid reasons why one would do that, but in my case, I really had all the time in the world to continue supporting myself with this invaluable tool.

Now what is also interesting is that I wasn’t really aware of the extent to which I have allowed this experience of giving up to take over. I mean the desire and the thought to start writing was always there, many times I would make attempts to start a blog but these attempts were compromised where instead of pushing myself to do it I would convince myself to give myself a bit more time and instead follow some form of distraction. In time, through repeated decision and the experience of giving up it became almost automated where eventually I wasn’t even bothering to try, knowing that the resistance I will be facing is just too much to handle.

The awareness of the depth of this issue became apparent to me only recently when I brought myself to the point of being able to finally make the decision to write a blog, to actually physically practically write the damn thing, no matter how good or bad but just get it done. Sitting on this point until it’s done was when I started seeing the “walls”, seeing how much resistance I have created over time, and how much effort was required to start breaking this imaginary veil. The thoughts were relentless: “it’s too much”, “it’s too overwhelming”, “you can’t handle this”, “the more you go in the more it’s going to get”, “you will never going to get through this”, “oh you are missing so many points” and then on top of that the physical resistance such as the overwhelming tiredness, heaviness in the neck and shoulder areas, restlessness and just the desire to escape from this uncomfortable situation. During the process of writing I did not have yet specific awareness or understanding of what is happening and why, it was pure struggle almost throughout, but at the same time it felt good that I am finally doing this.

It was actually the following day when I felt completely off, experiencing a form of depression with strong unwillingness to do anything that I endevoured to understand what is hiding behind all that. As per usual when facing any point one of the greatest means of support for me is my physical body where I take note of any and every pain sensation, or discomfort experienced in the body and from there utilizing my notes, that I have accumulated over the years from various Desteni chats and interviews as well as years of studying homeopathy, to try and find some indications/pointers leading to a better understanding of what am I facing. This is how I found that the real culprit in this case is the “Giving up” personality. For me this type of detective work is actually the most rewarding and gives a sense of real movement and purpose. That is probably one of the main reasons I started working in the field of homeopathy so I could do this detective work as much as possible. Yet I am sure this is the experience of most people, perhaps it could be compared to solving the puzzles and how nice it is to find the missing piece and get a more clear picture.

Now in terms of the practical application on how to start dealing with such a personality design I found the interviews on Eqafe very supportive. These interviews have proven to be invaluable support in times like that. It explained the whole system in detail, and what was most important to me was the understanding the depth of this system, meaning that it penetrates both mental and physical dimensions and that is what makes the experience so challenging. In other words there is an emotional reaction as well as a physical possession that happens.

The solution thus must be equal to the problem, we have to now physically practically bulldoze our way through any resistance, through any and all cleverly sounding excuses and justifications and also physical discomforts, no matter what. And doing it within the understanding that what we are dealing here is the consequence created over a long time, and it will take a bit of struggle, as it should, to move through that.

In all of this I found the words – determination and perseverance – to be the most useful. The living and the application of these words I first did in smaller/easier things, like for me the commitments to do physical exercise came rather easy due to my childhood years, thus I first utilized that to build and strengthen my determination and perseverance and thus in this way grow and build the confidence and eventually be ready to tackle the issues that are more challenging.

One thing became very clear over the years – the mind is very patient. It chips away the pieces of us very slowly and often we do not even notice it. Perhaps only much later, years later, when there is almost nothing left of us, we might notice that something went terribly wrong, the life has been mostly wasted. At this point, hopefully, it’s not yet too late. Now it’s our turn to be patient and start from the basics, rebuilding all that was lost and then going further than ever before.

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