Day 302: Direction

In my previous blog I touched on the point of judgment which I was able to identify first of all through seeing that in others and later realizing how much of it I have stored within myself.

So now I started looking at how I have gotten myself in this position, where it is coming from and also what solutions can be applied. It seems like I am existing in a big mix of subtle emotional experiences that prevent any real movement. There is a lot of resistance to even start the process of understanding what is truly happening and confusion in figuring out where to begin. In this way the whole time I spend trying to maintain some form of stability which in the end is simply accumulating into inevitable repetition of the same old patterns I have been living in the past. Surely this makes sense because if I am not the directive principle of my life then I give all the responsibility to my automated mind systems to create the same stuff that’s always been created in the past. In this way of course I am heading for yet another cycle and I definitely see this progression where even in my relationship with my new partner I can already see old patterns emerging which I have promised to myself I will never repeat.

The emotional experience that comes within all this is anxiety. Even though it is very subtle it is still there and in a way it is like an indication that I do not have the necessary self-trust to get through these old patterns and really change. And that is understandable because I have in a way betrayed myself many times when I promised to myself and committed to do something and yet I failed by not pushing myself enough. So this anxiety is like a knowing that I am going to repeat myself and make the same mistakes once more. I do know, like probably most of us, where this path leads and how painful the consequences can be if I do not stand by my decisions to change the direction I am going.

I had an interesting dream when I started looking at this point of direction where in this dream I found myself in a familiar place, it was a big crossroad. I knew that I have been here many times before and I had a memory of how this road looked before whereas now it was rather different, a little bit more complex with more roads connected to it and also a different setup. When standing there, or rather during the moment of reaching this crossroad I had a few moments to decide upon the direction to take and I chose the road on the left side which I joyfully recognized as the road I have been always taking. Also interesting to note that in the back there was a presence of my mother which for me is associated with such words as safety, support, and familiar. Further in the dream I remember experiencing this anxiety I was talking about and I have also seen how this anxiety creates the experience of rushing in my reality because I create another set of believes like “the times is running out”. This again is not of any assistance in my process because I start thinking about all the things I have to do, become overwhelmed by all that and end up doing nothing – which is exactly this old road I have travelled down so many times before. I know where it ends and that’s not where I want to be.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself with all the thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of slowing down and realizing that I cannot solve everything at once and that I have to start with a single point, the tip of the iceberg and slowly work my way towards deeper understanding and self-discovery

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anxiety when and as I see myself moving in a direction where I know that I am most likely going to repeat the same old patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of rushing when and as I start experiencing anxiety wherein I create the idea that I am late, I need to move faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how within this experience of rushing I am trying to move as fast as possible and in this I lose all touch with myself and become totally overwhelmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, understand and realize the simplicity of the process as the consistency of daily self-application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the enjoyment and the excitement of self-discovery where instead I have convinced myself that self-investigation is hard work

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dreams within the belief that I am not able to change them instead of realizing the supportive nature of dreams to show the consequences of my accepted patterns if I choose to continue living them

 

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself creating an emotion of overwhelmingness to stop, take a breath and realize that all I have to be concerned about is working with one point at a time and as long as I am consistent in my daily application

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in anxiety about repeating old patterns, stop myself, breathe and realize that my anxiety is a consequence of many failures and thus it will take time to rebuild trust in myself by proving to myself that I can stand by my decisions and also to make sure I do not make the mistake of trying to live up to big decisions but begin with small seemingly insignificant moments within understanding that the big things consist of many small ones

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the experience of rushing within the thoughts that I am late, I need to move faster, stop myself, breathe and realize that through this experience I am not really seeing where and how I am moving and I am much more likely to move into my old patterns of behaviour where I lose touch with myself, my body and thus I slow down and focus myself on specific points that I decide to work on

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the resistance to write and apply myself by having the idea that this is hard and difficult stop myself, breathe and remind myself that when I am moving slowly and when I am focused I am actually finding out a lot about myself and even though it’s not always pleasant it is actually refreshing and enjoyable

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself fearing my dreams, stop myself and realize that dreams are here to support me and in many cases are cool warning signs of what will happen if I do not change and that I am actually able to change what I have seen towards a different direction through self-directive self-application

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LINKS FOR SELF-SUPPORT:

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Day 301: Back to Self-Acceptance

It’s been a while since my last blog because I cleverly managed to convince myself that it’s ok to take some time off from writing and focus on other stuff. That other stuff was “preparing for tomorrow” but it never came so I finally realize that today is the day that I have to get back to this awesome habit of writing, expressing and sharing myself. I can see now the consequence of not doing this – i spend way more time in the mind trying to think what to write instead of simply sharing me as i am.

When i look why this big hesitation to share myself i see that – well the thing is i don‘t really like myself and only recently i saw a glimpse of how much judgment i have suppressed within me, towards me and towards others. This i came to realize by waking up to the fact that judgment became the primary point i was seeing in others and also became quite reactive to it (red flag). I remember the words of Bernard Poolman: “you become that which you see in others“. So yes i found that I was hiding from myself in plain sight while actually knowing this whole time the reality of me but just not really wanting to admit it and still holding onto the belief that tomorrow I will find a solution.

So, again, there is no tomorrow, and I made an agreement with myself to start one step at a time, however small it is.

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LINKS FOR SELF_SUPPORT:

Day 300: Living the Word CARE

Care_MONOI was focused on this Word for some time now and it took me a while to start understanding how to start incorporating it into my own living. I was observing people in my immediate environment to see how they live this word and surely I found some good examples of moments when the word care was lived. From what I observed such moments are mostly expressed within the parent and child relationship, but not always of course, as we know that parenting is not an easy thing and there are many challenging moments in this relationship. Still I have seen so many moments where parents go out of their way to care/tend for their children. Especially when the child is still a baby and needs all the attention all the time. I once was asked to tend to a small baby for a few hours and that was more than enough for me showing again that being a mother is a tremendous job and probably the best school to learn what it means to care for another. In that relationship your personal wants and needs come last after making sure that the baby is fully taken care of. This takes away a lot of what we call “freedom” to do the things to which one was used to throughout their life and that requires a big change and adjustment.

So these where the best examples of what it means to care about and for others, yet I needed something more practical for myself because I wanted to apply this word in my own world with the people I meet on daily basis. I found soon that one important thing to do was to learn to really listen. This is not as easy as it sounds because the mind chatter, the constant self-absorption in my own thoughts was prominent and required a process of learning to slow down within myself which I am still busy with by constantly reminding myself throughout the day to do that. I even asked a few of my friends to assist me by reminding me and use the words “slow down” whenever they see I am getting into a rushing mind state. That works pretty well and we have a frequent laugh about it.

So this brings me one step closer to being able to live the word care and I could definitely notice the difference in my interactions which became much more enjoyable. I became much less judgmental towards people because I could hear and see them better, I started getting small glimpses into who they are and where they come from and essentially why they are the way they are. And I mean people also respond better when a guy next to them is not lost somewhere in his own mind thinking but is able to participate in the conversation with some sense.

Another interesting point I have seen during this time is how CARE must be practiced and applied with awareness in various situations because there are certain moments to which we are so used of doing them in a certain way that we don’t even consider placing/incorporating CARE into them. Let me give an example: I went with a group of friends to play some basketball and as per usual we got ourselves into different teams and began this competitive game. Most of the guys that played there I have never met before and it’s also been a while since I last played which made me put some extra effort into the game. I noticed that the friend I came with was not a good player which made me feel good knowing that I am not the worst player there. Once the game started my friend struggled a lot with his play because, as we have found later, he judged himself to the extreme for being unable to participate with others equally and where in the end he has hurt his finger pretty badly with a ball which, as we realized later as well, was his own creation in order to, by any means, escape this uncomfortable experience. Now you see how many times I have used the word later because during the game I was not consciously aware of any of this and only by looking back I was able to see my absolute self-absorption into my own performance disregarding everything and everyone else. I means it was a competitive game and thus it seems there is no place for CARE in it. This was a good lesson and I am glad that my friend managed to open this point of intense anger and self-judgment towards himself in relation to the game, which I presume assisted his body to deal more effectively with the trauma that he experienced. Still prevention is of course much better way to go and could have been achieved if the word CARE was incorporated into those competitive games as a principle from the very beginning.

So it’s definitely a process to take a word and learn to live it in a variety of situations and also on all LEVELS, because if we take the word CARE it’s much easier to live it towards our loved ones whom we know more intimately, yet when it comes to those far away we are no longer able to relate or connect in any way, yet all our actions and decisions on individual and collective level ripples around the globe and creates the reality that we know. It’s rather obvious that our creation needs some adjustment so let’s do it word by word to make a better world.

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Day 299: New Job and the Discovery of Stress

thI have started a new job recently and in this position I’ve had moments that were rather intense. Throughout my life I have pretty much avoided any responsibility and all the jobs I had in the past were essentially an easy ride for me. I did observe the people who would get stressed in their jobs and I could not relate or understand how you get to such a point.

In this new job, however, my understanding expanded and I have had the moments where it seemed like I was on the edge of breaking down because of the workload and the pressure to get things done. Despite these moments being tough I found that they are also an opportunity to expand and break the limitations I had about what is possible. Essentially what I have learned is that when those intense moments come there is no time for thinking, no time for distraction and all the focus and attentions must be absolutely here on the task. I was satisfied with myself after being able to manage these moments and each time when the same moments with same intensity came I was able to find my stability more quickly and be more effective.

So I am glad that I am finally learning what it means to focus myself on something so completely and where you get things done for real. It took me a long time to get to this point because I resisted change a lot, I was always fearing and anticipating the worst, holding also the belief that I require more and more preparation to start something without realizing that there is only so much you can prepare and that without real application of the knowledge there is no improvement possible.

In this little journey I found that there are many factors which determine how we will handle stress and most are within our ability to direct and perfect ourselves within yet what I also found is that the system is sometimes too demanding thus pushing individuals too hard without considering their needs and abilities.

I have seen people being constantly under stress and where that stress is accumulating from day to day leading to undesirable consequences. In this blog I would like to note one important factor I have noticed which revels quite accurately that there are problems. And that is SLEEP patterns. This seems to be a prevalent problem in our current work environment. I have spoken to many people and it is obvious that it’s a big issue which is not addressed and given the significance it deserves. When I started working in my new position I have worked very long hours but at the same time I noticed that I also required longer sleeping hours to “digest” all the new information so to speak and it worked very well where the next day I would wake up with a clear mind ready to take the new challenges of the day. When this cycle is disturbed the challenges become burdens which accumulate and may lead to mental and physical exhaustion. Here are some very supportive blogs on this subject for anyone having sleep issues:

Oh! Good night’s rest, Good night’s rest…wherefore art thou Good night’s rest

Sleeping: Trying to fight a losing battle

To Sleep or Not to Sleep – the Dilemma with Tiredness

When I want to Sleep my problems away – yet my problems keep me Awake…

It’s unfortunate that the system we live in sometimes places unreasonable demands by forcing us, through the fear of survival, to keep working and producing results without considering simple, common sense needs of the individuals. So by doing the best we can in our individual lives we also have to pay attention and seek bigger solutions that would challenge the current system to change it into one that considers real physical needs of all humans as well as animals and plants. I support the movement of “Living Income Guaranteed” which addresses these issues by providing practical solutions to our sleepless nights.

More on Stress:

Is it Possible For Stress to be Constructive?

 

Day 298: Depression and Hopelessness

89740033-1Reading the news about world affairs, watching documentaries related to the extent of abuse happening globally it’s not difficult to become somewhat emotional and slip into a negative mind state where it seems that there is no possible solution to the mess that is here. I catch myself going into a state of indifference and hopelessness. This in turn starts manifesting within all my actions and my behavior and after a short while my reality also stops moving until I allow myself to remain in that state of mind.

I the past I would always allow that negativity within me to build and accumulate to a very high degree from where I would go into all kinds of self-sabotaging behavior patterns until I reach the rock bottom and then I have to start all over again.

It’s amazing how in the beginning there is this one small moment of resistance that requires a relatively small push to move oneself through that negativity into action and then how this resistance, if not confronted, grows and spreads like a virus taking into possession the whole body and mind until I get to a state where I just sit in front of the computer absolutely blank and all my attempts to study or read or write something amount to nothing. One thing that can definitely be observed in all of this is the speed of mind, the thoughts and the reactions as well as physical movements which are rapid and hasty. There is usually some big thoughts, as imagination, running in my mind of all the things I should do, the future I should aim to create. Yet none of that is realistic for the current moment that I am in because I what I need now is the next best step to get myself out of the possession.

Now, the solution that seems to be effective is to begin a new day from a scratch where I plan the day’s activities, also if possible getting some assistance from a friend who can be supportive within those activities. If there is no one around that’s fine also as long as I move myself to act and do the things I have planned for myself. In planning the day I simply look around at what needs my attention, for example I have been putting off the need to sort the little things about my car because I can see how these little things left undone keep lingering in the mind as a reminder of what has to be done. So I am sure most people have these small things accumulated in their minds that are placed into the compartment of postponement deemed as not so necessary, because, I mean “there are much bigger problems in the world that need attention”.

Having started with all the little things the movement comes back and here it’s important to nurture and continue with that movement and so get to other things without allowing the possession to return back again. I mean, having allowed this indifference for a while has manifested the consequence and it will require some pushing to do to get out of it, there is probably no way around it. Here I basically stand with a decision that I make within myself – to go on with living and search for solutions. First the solutions on a personal level and then expand further and see where else I can participate and thus contribute to change. I mean there are so many ways that one can direct ones energy towards change that it’s absolutely unacceptable to go into that state of hopelessness. Especially when there are all the means available to do that. In today’s world where the one that has the access to the internet, access to the clean water and has a roof over the head is the one that must take responsibility and use those means to contribute to a change, especially when there are so many of us that are completely abandoned and live on the outskirts of the system trying to survive on a daily basis. Yes the world system doesn’t make sense in many ways, the corruption and self-interest if sky high, still there is nothing else to do but to search for solutions instead of giving up or living the lie.

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Visit the “Desteni I Process Lite”course that has been launched for all those who are willing to understand,  in practical self-application, the reality of self

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Day 297: Slowing Down to Avoid Stress

time-spiral-400x315Through experience I have noticed that many people when we watch TV or read magazines or simply observe other people from our environment, who are successful and are doing many great things, we tend to go into a comparison and in this a normal reaction is to feel a little bit bad about ourselves. We experience some jealousy and/or self-judgment because it’s not us that came up with some specific idea, it’s not us that has the skill, has the knowledge and it’s not us that lives this apparently better life.

What I found within myself when facing such moments is to immediately try to imagine myself in their position, I try to see what skills can I develop, how can I build myself up, basically how can I evolve to that or similar state of being. Facing such situations few times a day or however frequently and not dealing with it properly, meaning, not investigating within myself whether that specific point is actually relevant in my process, I mean do I actually need such skills like the individual, I observed or heard about, has. Also I am not investigating the actual process that would need to be walked to get to such a position etc. I mean there are many dimensions that need to be taken into consideration within each such point. So when not dealing with such experiences I found that I am accumulating lots of energy through those short moments of jealousy, self-judgment, and overall sense of inferiority.

This energy I have seen does not go anywhere and sits constantly within my body and affects rather greatly everything I do, who I am. There is like this energetic veil that gets pulled over the eyes and there seems to be no way out, and from here, like a headless chicken I run into many directions trying to find a solution. To take an analogy it would be like a plumbing system where in one place there is a blockage of garbage and now the water cannot run through it, it is still seeping ever so slightly, and gives me the idea that it’s still working. And yes, I mean I am still relatively functioning in my reality and I am moving myself here and there but to say that I am actually moving towards my potential, that I am taking the best steps to fulfill my goals, I cannot.

Now the problem comes when the solution is applied through our learned intelligence. Instead of finding and removing the blockage what do we do, using again the analogy, we pour more water to put more pressure and hope that this will blow things the right way. That does work from time to time and only temporarily but it’s definitely not a real solution as the source was never fixed or even understood in its functioning to thus be able to prevent further such instances. We can see the same intelligence applied in most parts of our system – like medical system where instead of understanding the cause of a disease and healing the whole organism we simply suppress the symptoms creating thus deeper problems that manifest now in other ways; also money system where instead of realizing that the system itself is based on the abusive mechanisms that are depleting and exploiting life on earth we continue to fuel it by printing more money or even attempting, as we see currently within the news, to create new global currency believing this to be a solution. Won’t work.

Now going back to the initial point I was addressing what I have seen to be a more effective solution is basically to slow down for a moment and see what is really going on here. Yes, the tendency is to move quickly, there is like a sense of emergency that is growing, the energy is building up and pressure is rising, and we shout that we need a fast solution. Now it’s the best time to apply self-will and to slow down. Writing here is one of the best tools for that because through writing you re-align yourself with the physical time as you type and you look inside yourself – its equal -whereas when you are just in your mind the time is a quantum time and you leap from one thought construct to another in the speed of light, mostly without any understanding or awareness. With writing your mind is basically forced to slow down and you can see better how stuff inside you is moving. Now I can see what is causing my slightly dysfunctional behavior, I can see that I am sitting here with all the energy that I have accumulated through all those moments I have missed and allowed myself to judge myself for who I am and who I am not. I have allowed myself judge myself for the mistakes I have made in the past, and I have also allowed myself to fear and worry about my future. I mean there are many points working at once and unless we slow down we will not be able to identify them and remove them effectively like a real plumber would remove the dirt from the pipes.

“Understanding that each moment is here for self-realization – this being as possible as each breath that you take.”

“Work as self, understanding that there are no mistakes, therefore no judgment for anything you have created – just unconditional release. Silence the mind as you breathe by not accepting fear, confusion or a systematic approach. Approach each situation with a new look at oneness and equality, understanding that in truth there are no limitations, other then what you as the mind allow. Trusting self and trusting that there are no mistakes other than what you have attached blame and judgment to. Allow each moment to be new and ask of yourself forgiveness whenever you realize that the decisions you made were not in truth or were of a system.” – Desteni

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Day 296: Porn addict

240920814_5e03d0ea0f_zFirst step in healing yourself from this addiction, like any other, is of course recognizing that it is actually a problem. Still I am meeting a lot of people that are missing this simple realization even though addiction is already having a significant affect in their lives.

So I had this interesting experience with one guy who was in such a position where the awareness of pornography addiction possibly being a problem was nonexistent. This then became an interesting instance to explore where I tried to see into his mind and understand a little better why pornography is so well protected and not questioned. I had one week to spend with the person which gave me ample time to get to know him better. It is crucial, I found, to have no judgment towards any form of this addiction, whether you are still participating in pornography yourself or it is your loved one that that is lost in this wonderland or anyone else for that matter. Because the interesting thing about judgment is that it shuts all the doors into having access to deeper levels of, we can call it a pornography system that is operating in the mind. To have more detailed explanation how pornography/fantasy reality is interconnected and intertwined in the physical body and mind I strongly suggest watching these interviews to, at least, get basic understanding about how it all functions.

So with this starting point in me that I will not judge whatever I hear or see I started bringing up the topic of pornography in the conversations with the guy. In the beginning when trying, in one way or another, to suggest the negative effects of pornography I would get from him only a crossed face with a smug smile towards me. In other words the protection mechanisms in the mind were fulfilling their duty very well.

Then one day ‘the devil’ came out. While we were interacting I gave to him my phone showing some picture on some topic we were discussing. Just a moment later seeing the opportunity he immediately accessed the pictures on my phone looking for something, well by that time I knew more or less about how his pornography addiction functions, meaning where he is collecting, absorbing anything and everything from his reality that could serve as pornographic material to enhance/feed his fantasies. So, on my phone he accessed my pictures that I had and even the ones that were already deleted. And even though there was nothing sexual in nature within these picture I could see him changing very rapidly in his behavior where, especially, his eyes were lighting up with extreme intensity. At that moment I reacted a bit and took away my phone from him where in this he became even more exited and almost started begging me to give him my phone so he could see the rest of the pictures. His behavior was very intense and I was taken aback for a while where I got a bit uncomfortable in not knowing how to deal with the situation. After a moment I pointed out to him the possession that he is and how extremely it’s taking over him. Moment later he came back to his senses where I then asked him if he still cannot see the problem. He, again, gave me a smile but this time there was some concern noticeable in his posture.

After this event we could already open a bit more on this topic and we had some cool discussions on the addictive nature of pornography. He said that it’s like a drug which meant that he finally agreed that there is an addiction within him. We spoke on the effects of pornography and the tight hold it can have on you if you continue to participate without giving it a second thought.

On our last interaction when we were sitting alone in the room I asked him looking straight in his eyes “have you never considered changing yourself?” his response was no and from the rest of the conversation it was rather obvious that he is not yet seriously considering that this change is necessary. And I have observed this in many people before, that until the reality is relatively functional there is unwillingness to take self-responsibility for one’s actions and it is thus likely that there is a need to travel down the road of harsh consequences before seriously considering change.

So when I am viewing these types of addictions and when I am trying to reason with others I usually note that we have and we live in a big universe where so many things are happening and so many things are possible if only we started realizing our potential, but yet we choose a tiny wormhole as our fantasy realities and we remain stuck in it, completely discarding what’s out there to be learned and discovered in the real world. The addiction really limits us to such an extent where we become only a handful of thoughts spinning in the mind over and over suffocating the life out of us. We compromise our relationships with the people around us, we lose focus on our personal goals and objectives, we become ignorant to the issues that concern our community, our country, and we no longer see the state of this world and what is required to be done for this earth to survive and thrive so it could sustain us as well as the generations to come.

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