Day 295: My Inner Authority

 

The-Simpsons-s11e22-Behind-the-LaughterIt is worthwhile to look into the Milgram’s research which was done in 1963 in regards to obedience to authority figures because this experiment gives a pretty good insight, an inner sight on how decisions are made and to what extent we are willing to go to avoid self-responsibility by just giving it away to the established authority. To give a very quick overview of this experiment: the subjects were asked to administer shocks to a person sitting in the next room whenever a wrong answer was given, each time increasing the intensity of the shock. Eventually these shocks were producing such pain (it was faked unbeknown to the person giving the shocks) to the person sitting in another room that eventually he would scream “it’s enough”, “I want out of this” etc., but the authority (the researcher giving instructions to the subject who was giving the shocks) persistently asked the subject to continue with the experiment and give ever higher doses of shock. The results of the experiment were shocking as most of the subjects submitted to the authority and kept inflicting pain despite the screams and pleads for help. This experiment was repeated in later years many times giving consistent results of the same nature.

Now there are various ways to look at the point of authority in our lives, but in this blog I would like to focus on self as in looking at our decisions we make in everyday life and how those decisions are made. It is no secret that we do speak with ourselves inside of ourselves, we take every situation that comes into our lives and we have a chat about it inside, where we weigh the cons and the pros, we contemplate various options and in the end we make a decision about something, based on the predominant thoughts. The question we fail to ask ourselves is – where did those thoughts come from?

In this it’s important to understand a bit about ourselves, about who we are and what we have become. Here I mean that since we are born we are loaded with information/instructions by our parents initially, where that information forms our character/a personality through which we live our younger years and later we design ourselves further through all the other information that we get from our environment. So based on all that input we will produce the output/make decisions. Simple

Now when we continue with our lives in this reality we might start seeing for example that the way we have programmed ourselves to be and the way we act and behave in our reality through all the input/programming we received does not necessarily mean that it is supportive to myself or others in this reality in the bigger picture. And thus here we are faced with a dilemma – do I follow my programming which is an accepted way of doing things, despite seeing that it is harmful, or do I go against the established authority as the preprogrammed design and in this become responsible for the new choices I make?

Milgram, having externalized this inner process, revealed that most of us will succumb and take the “easy” way out, where we simply follow the programming/established authority and thus save our ass from possible consequences.

Now, why do I say that it’s not, really, an easy way out? And that is because we have to live with the choices we have made. Even despite the fact that we do our best to justify, we try to forget, or ignore yet somewhere deep within ourselves there is an awareness of all the choices we ever made. I truly believe that this is one of the main factors we have so much dis-ease in this reality, that is because we have become conflicted within ourselves and with each other. And that makes perfect sense, I mean our programming since childhood told us to cater only for our own needs and the interests of our loved ones, our programming told us to compete with each other and strive to be the winners, our programming taught us to accumulate as much money as possible and fulfill our desires, our programming convinced us that humans are a superior species and that plants and animals are here to serve us – but our programming failed to explain that if I become a winner another has to lose, that if I indulge in useless wants and desires I will waste earth’s resources and create a disharmony that will affect all facets of life for everyone, it also failed to show that by believing in my superiority as a human I lose the connection with nature, with animals and thus lose the connection with myself as the being that came from the dust of the earth like everyone else here on earth.

Now the earth as the weather, as the proliferating diseases, as the increased extinction of animals together with all the events as the wars and the crimes and violence and abuse show and reveal to us that time is running out and that if we are to survive and thrive we have to truly challenge our accepted programming and become responsible for each choice that we make. We have to shift the authority from our accepted automatic programming into an awareness of considering everything that js here. Please investigate Living Income as the next best step that will give us the means to give our attention to the real problems of our existence.

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Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am

 

Norvz-Austria-Makes-Time-Stand-StillThis comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.

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Day 293: Being in Agreement with Myself that Change is Required

3370319232_7fec3969d0I have a blocked nose, some head and eye pain for a few days now which most likely at this point is due to environmental factors such as wind, heat and cold of which I have plenty here. I speculate that my movement in terms of accepting a new position/responsibility at work which required of me to break quite a few deep character patterns has in a way weakened my established constitution thus making me more susceptible to outside influences.

I can still experience a sort of battle within me where the old and the new meet. I have decided within myself that I will no longer procrastinate and wait for changes to happen but that I will take initiative and go with the decisions that empower me. The past, as my thoughts of fear, anxiety, insecurity, laziness and also desires to indulge in positive energy experiences are still coming up where in this I am standing with my decision in front of me and I refuse to follow my old patterns and I refuse to succumb to the influences which were producing only the negative consequences very well proven in time.

I accept those fears, the anxieties, and the desires realizing that they have been a part of me for a very long time and thus it will take some time to transform that. I do not resist or judge those parts of me but I support myself by giving myself the credit for making the small steps to stand. The saying that later is better than never is cool. So all parts of me are here and we all walk hand in hand realizing that the change is necessary and that what we are doing is for the better.

Now in terms of this transition from the old into the new I found the aphorism made by the founder of homeopathy Samuel Hahnemann very supportive. Even though he speaks about the role of a physician when dealing with a disease still we can view it from the perspective of us being our own physicians who are dealing with our dis-ease that was preventing us to live truly fulfilling lives:

“The highest ideal of cure is rapid, gentle and permanent restoration of the health, or removal and annihilation of the disease in its whole extent, in the shortest, most reliable, and most harmless way, on easily comprehensible principles.

Even though the reality is often different and we experience quite a turmoil when dealing with change the above point can serve as a guideline towards which we can strive by perfecting ourselves each time we face the challenges of change from a dis-eased state into a healthier one.

Now in terms of “comprehensible principles” mentioned in the text here I would like to mention one of them which was and is extremely supportive for me at this point in time on this journey of change. That is the point of judgment – of Self and others. And that is because I am noticing that, at least in the beginning, I am making a lot of mistakes. In the past this would have stopped me and I would have fallen back into my usual self-limiting patterns where I feel comfortable and where I would not push myself nor expand nor try new things. Now by dealing with this fear of failure, and again by using another useful principle of writing and investigating myself, I can accept the fuck-ups I make and just move on. It’s truly liberating. Try it!!! And another interesting thing is that once I started supporting myself in this and removing the self-judgments, the others around me also started supporting me and giving a thumbs up, even when I did some really ridiculous mistakes lol. So I am really grateful to many people in my reality for standing as that support in those moments when I really needed it. That gives great motivation to go on and be the same for others

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Day 292: Decision Making and Mistakes

speed_upNow again my current blog is related to my previous blogs about making mistakes, and so it happens that these things appear to be unavoidable in the beginning and again it’s all about who you are once it’s done.

Either way after the fact it’s crucial to take responsibility and truly investigate your actions, especially to understand how this decision was made: I found especially important to identify all the influences throughout the process and my reactions to those influences – this is the space and time where you truly learn and prepare yourself for the future. Now in my previous blog I have already eliminated the path of giving up on ourselves, the path of regret and feeling sorry for ourselves, the path of hiding and creating the fear to move on. This is the time were we no longer allow self-sabotage but we reprogram our minds to be solution oriented rather than problem oriented.

Now I would like to emphasize one crucial point that I missed and which was an absolute indication that I had to stop myself and go back to the drawing board and sketch for myself a more practical plan to make an effective decision.

This point that one cannot miss is the SPEED OF THE MIND. Once you are taken into the experience of rush you can pretty well guess that you are in trouble and thus an immediate action should be to withdraw yourself from the experience/situation/event, if that is possible. In this it’s important to find a way to slow yourself down, and try to find the reason of why have you taken yourself into the experience of rushing.

This is what happened to me and I failed in that. I have managed to convince myself that I am going in the right direction and that I should simply trust myself. It was a clever design where the primary belief was that I do not actually need/require to put all the effort/work in doing a detailed research, making a practical plan but I can simply take a shortcut and make a decision by simply trusting myself. But who I was trusting actually? These were my thoughts, my emotions, and my desires which produced like a cloud in the mind obstructing any clear judgment.

When looking back at the situation I can see now the simple practical steps I could have and should have taken to make a much better assessment of the situation, however, now that it’s done all I can do is take these newly learned gifts and use them in the future by making better decisions myself as well as assisting and showing others the points that need attention.

So really, if you are rushed or you rush yourself into making a decision, and when you have a choice to give yourself more time for consideration – please take that time until clarity is achieved and the decision is truly calculated and is sound and is based on the laws of this physical/practical reality rather that being a subject to the emotions of the mind.

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Day 291: Change – We Create It and It Create Us

imagesThere are times in our lives where we can sense that something is not right, where we can see that there is nothing really happening with our lives, everything seems to have settled into a dull routine and nothing new emerges, we are no longer growing in our process and we are no longer developing ourselves to become something more.

Obviously when we become aware of this state of being, I mean we are kind of aware of this throughout but there comes a time when it’s becoming just a bit too much, it’s becoming unbearable and we can sense a form of depression creeping in and forcing us to start moving, taking some action. American statistics reveal, however, that the number of people with major depression is growing by 20 percent a year. That shows us that we have a problem and it obliges us to look at what this depression really is, what are the causes and what can we do to prevent this continuous decline, because whatever we are doing now is simply not effective.

From my own experience and from observing many people I found a way NOT to go. And that way is short-term, quick-fix solutions. Just as the quick meals we get at McDonalds – these are not nourishing and if taken over a longer period will destroy us. These quick-fix solutions to our life’s problems are advertised on every corner and can take many forms. I mean if you are an entrepreneur and have a business it’s definitely handy to have a product and convince people that this product is a solution to all your problems. These can be material things, services that create feel-good experiences, dating sites promising a fulfilling relationships, also TV with all its glamour can be a very big “solution” filling your holes with every imaginable experience that you cannot achieve in real life.

I mean I have tried the quick fix out of desperation just to find myself in a deeper hole where inevitably I have cornered myself into looking for something more substantial. If I had to name the real solution to the issue/problem described above I would say that it is – finding and giving yourself life’s purpose. It’s not an easy task to do and requires careful consideration but looking and investigating your options is already a task worth pursuing and is in a way a temporary purpose in itself.

One very important thing I found in this task of searching for my purpose is the necessity to be self-honest with myself. This can be a very difficult thing to do. I mean there were parts in my life that I was holding on so dearly and I was absolutely refusing to let go even by knowing, deeply within myself, that it is exactly what needs to be done. Fear and Hope were the few thing that kept me going. The fear of losing and the hope of fixing that which was not working. Sometimes you find the strength to take a self-directive action and sometimes the reality has to play out and reach the end by other means which makes it a little more difficult because if you are self-directive you can be more prepared for the transition. Either way when the consequences play out it’s important not to sit on your mistakes (see my previous blog on that HERE) but it’s much more constructive to simply look back, see what lessons and gifts I have learned in the process and then simply move on ensuring that in the future same mistakes are not repeated.

Day 290: Don’t Sit on Your Mistakes

disappointment-1bAll people make mistakes, but what separates us from each other is how we deal with those mistakes. Some of us will be dragged down and create even more self-doubt while others focus on immediate resolution not allowing the past to haunt them.

Throughout my life I was mostly the former type of guy where the mistakes I made would create a downward spiral where my mind would latch itself with every detail of the mistake and the fear with further projection of things going wrong would become a constant companion. It is not hard to see how this state of mind would in fact produce further complications. My behavior, the words I spoke would resonate that self-doubt, the fear and the uncertainty into my interactions with other people and I am absolutely sure that people do pick up on that and essentially reflect you back to yourself. Also this mind state of fear and self-doubt would act like a safety wall ensuring I do not get close to situations where I can possibly make mistakes thus manifesting fear into a physical level, where I was living it completely.

Now all this was basically a constant negative experience and the greatest desire was to find a way to end it. Now there are a few ways to do that and it’s either by facing the fears and finding the solution at the core, or, as I have done, which is to create short-term escape mechanisms to make myself feel better and forget about my reality for a moment. These would be things like immersing myself into prolonged sessions of watching entertaining movies and videos, occasionally doing some drugs and also watching pornography as the greatest tool to ignore reality and forget myself, at least until I was done and had to face another day. So to make things much worse on top of the initial fear, self-doubt and uncertainty in relation to making mistakes I added layers of shame and guilt and now from here the real solution seemed very far away.

Existing in this vicious cycle for many years and proving to myself beyond doubt that if I continue like this my life will be an absolute disaster filled with regret and anger at myself for not taking charge for who I am in time. It seems there is a line, crossing which I don’t really want to know what happens. Perhaps in can be viewed as another mistake only on a bigger scale and where again you’ll have to make a choice of you will you be. There is, of course, the end line at some point.

So from here my focus shifted in how to become that other guy, the one that can remain standing tall when mistakes are made, the one who immediately starts looking, finding and applying solutions. To get closer to this I started observing the people around me that possessed these qualities. This was very supportive in this process. Not surprisingly those people were in higher position within the system. They were not afraid of responsibility and they were not taken aback by the occasional mistakes they made.

Having equipped myself now with this new knowledge of how to deal with my mistakes I still had to test it in real live situation. The moment came and so I was faced with myself and the potential for change. The awareness wasn’t immediate and initially upon making a mistake at work I went the usual route of beating myself up and projecting gloom and doom. Only later that night I slowed myself down and upon seeing that I am, again, going down the same old path and then viewing my whole life in relation to that and that it just cannot continue like that I did stop myself and shifted my mind to the new thinking. I told myself that I will not allow myself to ruin myself for this mistake and that no matter what happens I will go out there the next day and I will not bend my head to anyone but I will stand tall and not fear but welcome more responsibility. The same night I have also looked more closely at the mistake I have done and what factors played in my making of this mistake and having identified the main causes I am now more aware and I know what I should watch out for when performing tasks thus I can prevent such mistakes from ever happening again.

Next day came and I was amazed at myself how quickly and easy, also rewarding and enjoyable it was to participate with others with not from this position of fear and self-doubt but being confident, being present and essentially a part of the team. I realize that it’s good for no one to have the so called drop-outs who bring the spirit of the team down, isolate themselves and wallow in self-pity. So it was cool to be able to forgive self for the past and move on.

Day 289: Beautiful Nightmare of Being Dead

3.-dream-interpretation-death-and-dyingYou probably know those dreams that are so terrible and yet so good at the same time, this is one of them. It’s like a glimpse into a possible future, a future that is to come if I do not change the direction in which I am going. I’ve had quite a few of those in my life and some of them assisted me a lot to do some critical introspection and really ask myself what the hell I am doing with my life and what am I creating as my future.

 
So in this dream I was basically dead but not completely, meaning I was still in my body knowing in absolute certainty that it’s all over, it’s as if I was waiting to crossover and preparing myself for that moment.

 
I mean some awareness always exists in me that I might possibly die, especially considering the unpredictable nature of this reality were people die every day from most various causes, but even with all that still there exists some distance between Me and Death. Now in the dream the experience was like – shit it really happened to me.

 
It was a bit overwhelming to say the least. The first thing that came up when looking back at my life was the missed opportunities to create something worthwhile, worst part being that I had the knowledge, understanding also the circumstances and the tools to create the change I desired. Instead I was waiting, I was postponing, giving myself more time to waste – and now suddenly, in this dream, THE TIME WAS UP, ‘I missed the train’ – regret was enormous.

 
Upon waking up from the dream it took me a few second to come back to reality and realize that I am still here, alive. The dream was following me the whole morning and everything I was doing I was enjoying it no matter how I viewed those tasks previously.

 
So that’s why I say that this ‘nightmare’ was actually a gift in disguise – gift in terms of having a little taste of death before the real thing gets to me. Surely it’s up to me now to use this gift and in this make some of the corrections/changes that I have seen I failed to create. In this I ask myself – what do I need to do with my life so that when I die I could be at peace with myself and have no regrets for what I left behind. That is the question I am walking with now – it’s certainly a big one and in order to make it more practical for myself I have reduced a lifetime into a day – meaning, at the end of each day when going to bed I ask myself – am I satisfied with this day? Have I made even a small change? Have I made any action towards bettering myself? Am I satisfied with who I was during this day in terms of my interactions with people, the animals, and all my surroundings?

 
Now I can see that it will definitely be a process to arrive at this place of being completely satisfied with myself, yet I am pleased and grateful to myself for at least moving in the right direction, from where I can develop the self-trust and move a bit faster each time.

 

 

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