Day 295: My Inner Authority

 

The-Simpsons-s11e22-Behind-the-LaughterIt is worthwhile to look into the Milgram’s research which was done in 1963 in regards to obedience to authority figures because this experiment gives a pretty good insight, an inner sight on how decisions are made and to what extent we are willing to go to avoid self-responsibility by just giving it away to the established authority. To give a very quick overview of this experiment: the subjects were asked to administer shocks to a person sitting in the next room whenever a wrong answer was given, each time increasing the intensity of the shock. Eventually these shocks were producing such pain (it was faked unbeknown to the person giving the shocks) to the person sitting in another room that eventually he would scream “it’s enough”, “I want out of this” etc., but the authority (the researcher giving instructions to the subject who was giving the shocks) persistently asked the subject to continue with the experiment and give ever higher doses of shock. The results of the experiment were shocking as most of the subjects submitted to the authority and kept inflicting pain despite the screams and pleads for help. This experiment was repeated in later years many times giving consistent results of the same nature.

Now there are various ways to look at the point of authority in our lives, but in this blog I would like to focus on self as in looking at our decisions we make in everyday life and how those decisions are made. It is no secret that we do speak with ourselves inside of ourselves, we take every situation that comes into our lives and we have a chat about it inside, where we weigh the cons and the pros, we contemplate various options and in the end we make a decision about something, based on the predominant thoughts. The question we fail to ask ourselves is – where did those thoughts come from?

In this it’s important to understand a bit about ourselves, about who we are and what we have become. Here I mean that since we are born we are loaded with information/instructions by our parents initially, where that information forms our character/a personality through which we live our younger years and later we design ourselves further through all the other information that we get from our environment. So based on all that input we will produce the output/make decisions. Simple

Now when we continue with our lives in this reality we might start seeing for example that the way we have programmed ourselves to be and the way we act and behave in our reality through all the input/programming we received does not necessarily mean that it is supportive to myself or others in this reality in the bigger picture. And thus here we are faced with a dilemma – do I follow my programming which is an accepted way of doing things, despite seeing that it is harmful, or do I go against the established authority as the preprogrammed design and in this become responsible for the new choices I make?

Milgram, having externalized this inner process, revealed that most of us will succumb and take the “easy” way out, where we simply follow the programming/established authority and thus save our ass from possible consequences.

Now, why do I say that it’s not, really, an easy way out? And that is because we have to live with the choices we have made. Even despite the fact that we do our best to justify, we try to forget, or ignore yet somewhere deep within ourselves there is an awareness of all the choices we ever made. I truly believe that this is one of the main factors we have so much dis-ease in this reality, that is because we have become conflicted within ourselves and with each other. And that makes perfect sense, I mean our programming since childhood told us to cater only for our own needs and the interests of our loved ones, our programming told us to compete with each other and strive to be the winners, our programming taught us to accumulate as much money as possible and fulfill our desires, our programming convinced us that humans are a superior species and that plants and animals are here to serve us – but our programming failed to explain that if I become a winner another has to lose, that if I indulge in useless wants and desires I will waste earth’s resources and create a disharmony that will affect all facets of life for everyone, it also failed to show that by believing in my superiority as a human I lose the connection with nature, with animals and thus lose the connection with myself as the being that came from the dust of the earth like everyone else here on earth.

Now the earth as the weather, as the proliferating diseases, as the increased extinction of animals together with all the events as the wars and the crimes and violence and abuse show and reveal to us that time is running out and that if we are to survive and thrive we have to truly challenge our accepted programming and become responsible for each choice that we make. We have to shift the authority from our accepted automatic programming into an awareness of considering everything that js here. Please investigate Living Income as the next best step that will give us the means to give our attention to the real problems of our existence.

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Day 236: Weapons of Influence: Obedience to Authority

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The best place to start is at birth and growing up in a family with, usually, two figures of authority: mommy and daddy. So, throughout this period we are expected to understand one thing – these two guys must be obeyed. We quickly learn the methods of reward and punishment – and so it becomes the platform upon which be build our character that we live in and as, throughout the rest of our lives, strongly believing it’s the only way to be. Shame.

As we grow older our parents disappear from this picture yet the foundation as who we have become continues and here we find new players, new figures of authority like our employers, judges, doctors, government leaders that must be obeyed. If we did exceptionally well in this game of following authority and copying the whole methodology behind it we might create our own followers, getting into positions of authority ourselves. But of course that is minority – the system ensures that. After all it is necessary to have many slaves for the few to enjoy this life experience. I mean most do not have this opportunity to become anything in this system from the beginning as most are born into bondage just to serve the select few – but that’s normal, always was and always shall be – isn’t it? Please remind me what other justifications we use for the existence of inequality

I remember the shock I experienced when this believe of trusting blindly the accepted authorities was challenged when I saw the true face of those by whom my life was being influenced and determined. I had a friend who went into politics and this is where I had my insight into this canny world. So to make it short, I was absolutely disgusted at the level of inconsideration, insensitivity of those people towards the common man. That’s where I realized that nobody gives a shit about my or the wellbeing of others. From here my journey of bitter truth began and expanded into all other areas of our social live, where I proved to myself again and again that everyone is watching only after their own ass.

Of course I was angry at the authority for fooling and exploiting the populous, yet my anger was no less towards those who were being exploited – I started seeing it everywhere, I was amazed how people suddenly change in the presence of authority. The body movement, voice tonality, overall behavior would shift and here we have an activated child ready to receive the reward or punishment from the parent. Just researching Milgram’s experiment one can see into how much trouble we got ourselves. We do it so blindly that we sacrifice our lives and of those that we hold dear. I recently watched a documentary on psychiatry and the drug industry just to scare myself, again, at the level of ignorance and the seriousness of consequence thereof. It appears that only when faced with huge loss we are able to start questioning our leaders about the validity of their authority that we willingly provided to them.

It’s about time to realize that there is no one out there taking care of us and thus it’s our own responsibility to take care of ourselves, first by understanding the processes of how we have and still are falling for the same traps over and over. And once that is realized to apply the corrections that would benefit ourselves and all life on earth. We are all here together on this earth so let’s work together instead of fighting each other. After all we are the all same – with the same basic needs and bound by the same physical laws. And one of these laws states, as revealed many years ago by the guy named Jesus, GIVE AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE. We have repeated this statement in our books and in our minds, but now it’s time to LIVE it.

Check this out:

Day 349: The Message of Jesus

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Day 169: “Fuck it” character

This character has shown itself today at work when I was performing my duties and where my colleague then told me that I wasn’t following the correct procedure. To correct myself in that moment I had to go back and take the necessary equipment which I was too lazy to do and thus I said “fuck it, nobody is going to see me”. He insisted for a  while and then I said to him why are you worried, who’s gonna see me. Inside me i was accusing him of being irritating where the backchat went like “what the fuck you care man”. So in that moment I completely justified myself perceiving the situation as completely unworthy of even being discussed. Moments later I was proven wrong however  when my boss saw me and mentioned the point, of course I had to comply immediately, where I experienced some emotion within me. My ego that manifested in this moment had to take the defeat, still justifying the rules as stupid and judging my boss as being too concerned about nonsense.

Later my boss and me talked about this situation and he explained very clearly about the point as being an agreement that we have all made and thus have the responsibility to follow through. And it’s very true because I have even signed a document committing myself to follow this agreement, of course I didn’t do it from my own choice but just as a part of a requirement that was imposed on all people working this type of job. So this whole situation reveals my resistance towards rules and authority where I try to challenge  the authority with my little tantrums that are so obviously and absolutely useless. I mean I have experienced myself in other similar situations what happens when certain rules are not followed and within that a conflict with authority is created, and where as a consequence that authority is compelled to take stronger measures to enforce the following of these rules usually by creating more rules. So it’s a useless fight that one is bound to lose unless one stand in the authority position where the decisions are being made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist authority blaming them for the situation that I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within that resistance the “fuck it” character that serves as a release point to not feel suppressed and enslaved by the authority within my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the uselessness of this character where it has absolutely no impact on physical reality and the only purpose it serves is to make me feel better inside myself while the physical reality remains exactly the same

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my colleague within this situation where he was reminding me my responsibility to which I have committed myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my colleague because of him being worried in this situation where within that I failed to consider that if there are consequences for this irresponsible behavior it can effect not only myself but the whole crew.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within such situations consider only myself and within that become a  “fuck it” character where i am completely blind and ignorant to the interconnectedness of everything that is here and the effects that each of our actions has on each other and the reality as a whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak and do things for which I cannot stand and be accountable and trusting myself that I have acted in the interest of all and not only my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that through the resistance I experience towards rules and authority I keep myself enslaved to the conditions that I am in instead of accepting the system as it is and within that looking for the most effective practical methods to change it in ways that’s best for all

I commit myself to stop the resistance/fight with what is here as the system that is not considering what is best for all life realizing that resistance is only creating conflict that results in more restriction and thus I stand equal to what is here, accepting what is here, removing all judgment to what is here and stabilizing myself within here and thus empowering myself to become stable and within that see how I can contribute to make people within the system see and realize that respect for life must always be the priority

I commit myself to walk the system in absolute awareness understanding what each my word and deed creates as a consequence and within that make sure I always act within consideration of all parts of life producing the result that is best for all

I commit myself to upon seeing myself entering and becoming the character “fuck it” stop myself, realize that in this moment I am spiting the system of which I am a part of thus I am actually spiting myself and so I take a breath and do what I have to do according to the rules of the system realizing within this that it’s only through group action which is directed towards certain outcome can have an effect upon the system and so I commit myself to participate and act within a group that is directed and moves towards establishing a system that is best for all

Investigate Desteni as the group which is dedicated to produce a change by educating the humans and establishing a system that supports all equally

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Day 87: Gossip Character

 

I have had some resistance to hearing gossip around me just again showing me that I still have a relationship with it. And yes I can notice now throughout the days where I enter gossip somehow not really seeing for what it really is. When I say that I am not seeing, it’s not completely true because I do actually see it and yet I manage to justify it in the moment and I chose to go for it as it serves certain characters that I exist as in my world.

I grew up in the environment where gossip was a normal part of conversations and through endless hours of listening to it I became intricately educated how gossip can be utilized in making connections to achieve some desired outcomes. I have seen myself today doing this and even before I spoke my first words I was well aware what I was doing, now looking back I can see that I was in one of my characters that wanted to provide some entertainment for another character and basically gain some points within that, and here I utilized my gossip character because from my past experiences I knew that this other character enjoys such little entertainment stories and would appreciate this little piece of information. So in one moment I decided to go for it and began my story of gossip where while doing that I was closely observing every reaction from another to see whether he appreciates what I am sharing, evaluating how many points I am getting to support the leading character through the gossip character within me.

It’s also worth mentioning that the story was about our superior within work environment and it is not hard to see that these types of stories get most attention from those that are within lower positions. This somehow equalizes the both characters- where the superior is brought down and the inferior becomes more in his own eyes/mind, as all the value we get about ourselves is based on the systematic accepted factors – like position, money, status. So by bringing down the superior we, for a moment, get a good feeling about ourselves. And surely those who are able to provide us with this kind of momentary upliftment are also valued more in our environment. So here I was basically trying to give more value to myself on the account of another.

And all that is because we have no recognition of the value that we truly are as equals as the physical human beings in this world where we are existing in total separation from each other trying to uplift ourselves from different outside sources to make “the best” of this “life” not realizing the consequences of such actions.

To be continued with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements

 

Day 30: Learning To Trust Myself

 

Each time before writing a blog I go through other people’s writings looking for an example. Because I do not trust myself. It’s not just in writing but pretty much everything I do. I look at others and try to copy them. Funny when I look for example at my drawing patterns throughout my life, all I was ever able to do was to copy some pictures I see with my eyes and perhaps my greatest creation of art I have ever done is a conglomeration of some copied objects that I can call my own just because I came up with the combination of them. Also I remember when I saw myself first time on camera speaking, I could see copied parts of my expression and I could even see where most of these parts come from. So I had this big question then: what is MY expression then? Who am I? If all I see is parts of other people copied and put together to make a personality called Arvydas. But then when I looked around I noticed the same about other people in my reality where each was just a makeup of different patterns of behavior.

So I never trusted myself to express myself but always used others as reference to express myself. I never realized that one can trust self; this thought has never entered my mind because I perceived myself as tiny, insignificant little being that needs to copy others and follow them. I would always find someone as my authority and try to live up to them by saying and acting as them. I was in complete separation from myself and my own common sense. I mean I participate in my reality, I see it and I experience it – shouldn’t it be my responsibility to trust myself in this and act as myself with what I see and experiences.

So as I see it now it was always my fear to take self-responsibility for my world. I mean if I really trust myself then I will express myself as who I am and I will see myself and I will see my world and obviously it’s not a beautiful sight that will open up. Thus this fear is like a protection mechanism to not look at myself in self-honesty. So I always chose to hide and give away my trust to others that apparently are bigger than me not really caring where that leads me or everyone else because I can justify later that it wasn’t me. So it’s a complete abdication of self-responsibility and a choice to remain limited in my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself but give away my trust to others out of fear to take self-responsibility for myself and my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to trust my self-honesty where within that I would express myself without fear that I will do something bad for which I will not be able to stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not intelligent enough to trust myself and thus within that I searched for someone outside of me who is more intelligent and knows better

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-trust needs to be developed where I prove to myself that I can be trusted – that can be done by being consistent in writing self, constantly investigating my world and my reality and how I exist in relation to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that self-trust is in my breath where I am not thinking – as the thoughts fuck me around in polarities and in this way I am never stable and thus I cannot trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have to constantly check my self-trust in action where I make commitments to do something and where it will become clear who I am within that and whether I can trust myself with more and more responsibility

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by not trusting myself I am hiding and avoiding self-responsibility and thus within that I am not my own authority but simply a follower of other forces that do live self-trust and take the responsibility

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-trust must be trusting self that I will always act in ways that is best for all and if I do not take that step I allow the continuation of what exists currently where all the responsibility lies in the hands of those that do not care about what is best for all but only act in ways to satisfy their own greed thus it’s my responsibility to trust myself and act in self-trust to stop this atrocity because in self-honesty I can see what is really happening and that I am responsible for that directly or indirectly

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this world is interconnected and actions of each being influence the lives of others thus within seeing what is happening in this world and not doing anything about it because of the believe that I cannot trust myself I am actually stating that I am the evil one who doesn’t give a fuck about what is happening, the same statement as those who abuse directly are doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that statement “I do not trust myself” is a very comfortable statement which allows me to not take any action but continue existing in my little mind bubble without doing the work and changing myself to stand up and do something about what I see around me

Thus I commit myself to develop my self-trust constantly in my reality where I take on different tasks that will contribute to making a world that is best for all and thus within that I will see who I am and whether I can live self-trust or I am just another self-interest driven being that will rather trust others and follow them to the grave

I commit myself to stop any and all believes that I am in any way not good enough to become a being that can trust myself with doing and acting what’s best for all in all ways

I commit myself to investigate myself and my reality where within that I develop self-trust as I get to know myself closing the gap of separation between me and my world where I realize that I am one and equal to all that is here and that it is my responsibility to take care for myself

I commit myself to stop all thoughts feelings and emotions as they cannot be trusted as they are unstable and thus they influence the ability to trust myself

 

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Day18: Can Humans Change?

 

I just finished watching the documentary “The Trap” which reveals many aspects of human existence showing the total human tragedy as who we have become as well as how we got here. We as humanity went through many attempts to find and understand the right/livable structure upon which we could exist in peace with each other and our surroundings, yet no matter what happened throughout history none of the theories and the application thereof has ever made significant difference to the improvement of our lives and our existence, quite the opposite – it only brought us where we are at the moment- total disaster. Doesn’t that indicate that there is something FUNDAMENTALLY wrong in our understanding?

We tried government control, we tried free market, we tried revolutions and we tried all possible –isms yet none of these applications brought us the desired results. Watching the documentaries it was interesting to see how throughout history we had this constantly persisting believe that we are, as humans, fundamentally flawed and the best we can do is to try and control our inner evil so that we don’t destroy ourselves and each other. I admit that looking at all the bullshit that is here in the world it’s difficult to avoid the feeling of uselessness regarding humanity, yet we have evidence that the real change is actually possible if only we start addressing the actual problems that are causing the human dysfunction.

I am a university graduate myself and I sat at many psychology and other lectures listening to useless stuff that has no practical meaning to our lives as a whole. All I was taught is to repeat the knowledge and information that is already here where all the trust is completely abdicated to our so called great thinkers. And now I see that they are no more than that – thinkers. It was all based on what is already here as who we are as humans with underlying assumption that we cannot really change ourselves but only try and manage and shape ourselves to different models that we theorized and tried to apply.  No one ever questioned the very model upon which we stand – the acceptance of separation into different manifestations as individuality, family structures, nations where the end result of living this separation is self-interest and fear of survival. The end result is separation from all life where inside ourselves we experience this undefined sadness and grief because we have been torn apart into billions pieces trying to fulfill ourselves in this world. And when we have tried what this system has to offer – relationships, consumerism, fantasies, believes, drugs etc. and where we still are not satisfied then we are defined as having a mental sickness. “You have everything – why are you not happy?” Everything?

Throughout my years in university I never heard a single teacher to say – that we must consider everything and everyone. How come no one ever considered the big family as the whole world to be the point of attention where the solutions would consider all beings equally?

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the scientists and authority of this world because I believed that they are the ones who have answers and only they can know how to make decision on this world should function

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the unchanging nature of humanity where I made peace with my limited life and anger and sadness that I experienced within separation from all of the existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea of self-interest where my whole life I lived only being concerned about myself and my experiences in this world never realizing the interconnectedness of all life and thus the consequences that my self-interested living has on everyone else

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that no matter what I received and achieved in my life I was never fulfilled and within that I still tried to look for more and more experiences to fulfill myself completely missing the actual problem of self-interested isolation into individual bubble from all the existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the problems in this world where people suffered in poverty, through mental breakdowns, abuse and violence and even then I did not question my existence within the believe that those in power and control should take care of it and I as this little, insignificant part of this system should just sit and hope that everything will be fine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of standing and voicing myself or even considering an alternative for what is here as this fucked up world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is too difficult and complex to understand and comprehend and therefore I never even tried to see where the problems lie and how it can be corrected to life that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my all my trust to scientists and politicians within the believe that if what they speak is so complex and impossible for me to comprehend they must know what they are doing where I never ask myself the question how can they know what they are doing if life for all people is becoming worse with each day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from negativity that is existent in this world so that I don’t feel bad about what’s going on but I only considered my immediate environment and believed I have no influence on what is happening outside of my bubble

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see the simplicity that everything in this  world is done for the sake of money and profit where money and profit is valued more than life and that this model in no way can benefit humanity

 

Thus I commit myself to stop all self-interest and believe that I am separate from other and that my actions do not have an effect on other being on this planet

I commit myself to work breath by breath on exposing the current system as it is so that all benevolent beings could wake up and see what they have done

I commit myself to persist on educating myself in understanding the mechanics of this system in its totality and challenge the accepted way of living by showing the common sense solutions like Equal Money System which is able to correct most of the problems

I commit myself to prove mathematically that it is possible to have a world that is best for all if only we decide to let go of the fear and limitation that we believe is who we are

I commit myself to prove to myself and others that human nature can be changed by changing myself into a being that is standing stable in every moment of breath and in all ways considers only what’s best for all life

I commit myself to eradicate all doubt within my mind that we can make a difference by constantly and consistently flooding this reality with common sense which so many beings lack these days because they are flooded and preoccupied with different things like consumerism/happiness/love and other destructive/distracting manifestations

 

Artwork byRozelle Destonian De Lange

 

 

Day 4: Fear Of Responsibility

So, today another long day at work where I am becoming more aware of my participation within all the relationships. One pattern that I noticed today and immediately decided to tackle it and work on it was the moments when I would hear my name, especially from my superior. In these moments I experience strong energetic reaction of anxiety/fear. Now trying to see what is causing this reaction I still have no clue where to begin my investigation. It has definitely to do with my perception about myself, where i define myself as being a scatterbrain or in other words someone who always does something wrong, keeps making little mistakes, absent-mindedness perhaps is another good word to describe this self-definition that I have about myself. Yes I can see now that throughout my life I have created this “scatterbrain” personality as myself for one simple reason– to not have/get responsibility. I was always much more comfortable staying in the background without any significant role to play. I have seen this resistance in me to take responsibility and there were actually moments when I pushed myself to stick out and finally tell to people “look here, there is a guy who is ready to take on the job”, however this “scatterbrain” personality at some point would shows its ugly head and people would become scared to give me the responsibility out of fear that I will fail. And in the end I was always glad within myself to get rid of the pressure that I endured in trying to get something done. So I remained in the background and assisted the ones who took upon themselves the responsibility. But I was never actually quite within myself, I wasn’t really happy to stay outside, especially when during the process I would notice how simplistic the task that I avoided was. I would silently judge people around me observing every move they make and within that compare myself and trying to see how I would have done it if I was in their position. I would look for every little mistake they did, or I even imagined and projected how they fail at some point so that I could feel better about myself. So that I could tell to myself “I would have done better, I am better”.

Going a little back to the energetic experience upon hearing my name I can see now that it’s the same personality showing up which has a constant perception that something went wrong and I am responsible for that. It became so ingrained within me that I am unable to respond normally to people where I jump within myself every time I hear my name, with my eyes popping out as if asking “what, me again, what did I do wrong this time?” always expecting a failure.  And I can see that people catch my reaction and immediately try to calm me down saying that nothing happened, where they wanted just to make a comment or give me feedback on something that I did. And this reactivity of mine makes it difficult for people to communicate with me, where eventually some suppression develops and all the shit that comes with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility because I define myself as a scatterbrain that always makes mistakes and fucks up everything and therefore I am unable to be trusted with any important task

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those that have taken the responsibility for every little mistake that they make where within that I feel better about myself not realizing that the fact that they have taken responsibility is already indicating that they are more assertive and substantial human beings of this physical reality whereas I exist only in my mental reality projecting things that I want to do

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that it’s the same pattern that the majority of people of the world exist towards the elite where we judge the elite for how they are ruling the world yet in the meantime we are so afraid to take the responsibility in our own hands that we better chose to remain as slaves where we keep our little minds running as judgments/comparisons/jealousy instead of standing within, getting to know our reality and standing up to challenge the injustice that we see is done unto us by the elite and within that find solutions that would bring the justice we so much moan about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself unworthy to take responsibility for bigger problems of this world and abdicate my responsibility to those that are willing to take it and I do it regardless of the abuse that I see is being done out of self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within gossip about those who are in control while sitting comfortably on my ass unwilling to educate myself enough to stand as equal to those in control and within that participate in bringing knowledge that which I know is best for all into practical application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be heard by those who are in control and to make them realize what they are doing through their self-interested living not realizing that to be heard I must become visible in this reality through constant self-application using all possible means to do it which means that I must stand up from my ass, stop judgments/comparisons/jealousy and actually do something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of taking responsibility for everything that I do indicating that there exist still self-interest because if all my actions would reflect that which is best for all I would live fearlessly standing and being ready to face anything or anyone in my existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a double live as the outer and inner expression of myself where within myself I judge and condemn authority and outside I smile in their face and keep telling myself that I want to be heard by them about the injustices that they are doing. Here I realize the common sense that they are not some magicians that can read your mind but they are simple people like everyone else instead that they have taken the responsibility when I abdicated it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit back in the background of all that is happening in this reality believing that someone else will take care of it and where that is exactly what’s happening – somebody else is “taking care” of it and I still have the audacity to judge them while sitting back and participating in my limited mind reality generating emotions through jealousy/anger/judgments where I keep myself trapped playing roles like “scatterbrain” to avoid taking responsibility

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I do not make a decision within myself to move myself out of this limited mind reality I will remain a slave to those that made the decision to actually physically participate in this reality and play out their desires, dreams completely missing the abuse, as the consequence of their actions, that they are creating

As a solution to my realizations I commit to myself to continue writing myself each day where I develop myself in understanding how this reality functions and within that strengthening my self-trust to stand up against the abuse that I see around me

When I am faced with specific tasks in my world and I go into the fear of not being able to do it – I stop myself in that moment and I remind myself that it’s time to stand up within myself, stop the recreation of the past and find ways and means to get things done

I commit to myself to start showing interest in this reality where I become a participant willing to stand out and take responsibility for things/projects/ tasks that must be done to bring this world into resolution where the excruciating abuse that we all allowed through abdicating self-responsibility ends

I commit myself to educate myself on all aspects of this reality to be able to respond to all situations that come up in my reality and thus becoming more effective in spreading the message of equality as the solution to our world that is slowly dying because of my ignorance that I existed in and as for too long

Also

When and as I see myself reacting to my name being spoken I stop, I breathe and I respond in the moment knowing within myself that I am ready to take responsibility for all my actions no matter what comes up and I also make sure that my response is coming from the starting point of doing that which is best for all

Artwork By Ann Van Den Broeck