Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am

 

Norvz-Austria-Makes-Time-Stand-StillThis comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.

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Day 290: Don’t Sit on Your Mistakes

disappointment-1bAll people make mistakes, but what separates us from each other is how we deal with those mistakes. Some of us will be dragged down and create even more self-doubt while others focus on immediate resolution not allowing the past to haunt them.

Throughout my life I was mostly the former type of guy where the mistakes I made would create a downward spiral where my mind would latch itself with every detail of the mistake and the fear with further projection of things going wrong would become a constant companion. It is not hard to see how this state of mind would in fact produce further complications. My behavior, the words I spoke would resonate that self-doubt, the fear and the uncertainty into my interactions with other people and I am absolutely sure that people do pick up on that and essentially reflect you back to yourself. Also this mind state of fear and self-doubt would act like a safety wall ensuring I do not get close to situations where I can possibly make mistakes thus manifesting fear into a physical level, where I was living it completely.

Now all this was basically a constant negative experience and the greatest desire was to find a way to end it. Now there are a few ways to do that and it’s either by facing the fears and finding the solution at the core, or, as I have done, which is to create short-term escape mechanisms to make myself feel better and forget about my reality for a moment. These would be things like immersing myself into prolonged sessions of watching entertaining movies and videos, occasionally doing some drugs and also watching pornography as the greatest tool to ignore reality and forget myself, at least until I was done and had to face another day. So to make things much worse on top of the initial fear, self-doubt and uncertainty in relation to making mistakes I added layers of shame and guilt and now from here the real solution seemed very far away.

Existing in this vicious cycle for many years and proving to myself beyond doubt that if I continue like this my life will be an absolute disaster filled with regret and anger at myself for not taking charge for who I am in time. It seems there is a line, crossing which I don’t really want to know what happens. Perhaps in can be viewed as another mistake only on a bigger scale and where again you’ll have to make a choice of you will you be. There is, of course, the end line at some point.

So from here my focus shifted in how to become that other guy, the one that can remain standing tall when mistakes are made, the one who immediately starts looking, finding and applying solutions. To get closer to this I started observing the people around me that possessed these qualities. This was very supportive in this process. Not surprisingly those people were in higher position within the system. They were not afraid of responsibility and they were not taken aback by the occasional mistakes they made.

Having equipped myself now with this new knowledge of how to deal with my mistakes I still had to test it in real live situation. The moment came and so I was faced with myself and the potential for change. The awareness wasn’t immediate and initially upon making a mistake at work I went the usual route of beating myself up and projecting gloom and doom. Only later that night I slowed myself down and upon seeing that I am, again, going down the same old path and then viewing my whole life in relation to that and that it just cannot continue like that I did stop myself and shifted my mind to the new thinking. I told myself that I will not allow myself to ruin myself for this mistake and that no matter what happens I will go out there the next day and I will not bend my head to anyone but I will stand tall and not fear but welcome more responsibility. The same night I have also looked more closely at the mistake I have done and what factors played in my making of this mistake and having identified the main causes I am now more aware and I know what I should watch out for when performing tasks thus I can prevent such mistakes from ever happening again.

Next day came and I was amazed at myself how quickly and easy, also rewarding and enjoyable it was to participate with others with not from this position of fear and self-doubt but being confident, being present and essentially a part of the team. I realize that it’s good for no one to have the so called drop-outs who bring the spirit of the team down, isolate themselves and wallow in self-pity. So it was cool to be able to forgive self for the past and move on.

Day 287: Understanding and Living by the Principle of What is Best for All – Part 2

Here I am continuing from my previous blog where I was writing about my understanding and living application of the principle – What’s Best for All.

sam_0624So what does it really mean to live this principle in a practical way? For myself I have observed that the best and most practical way to start living this principle is right here in my immediate environment with the small, everyday things, yet at the same time being able to look further and direct and create my life to have a satisfactory future in which again the principle of what’s best for all would be reflected.

One of the first things that I needed to correct in my behavior was the pace, the speed at which I was living my life, meaning that I had to really slow myself down and thus become more aware of what I was doing and how I was moving in my reality, how I was making decisions, interacting with people etc. Whenever I would lose that awareness I could see how my decisions and all my actions would arise automatically from my preprogrammed mind. This automated behavior simply means that I would act and do everything in a way how I was taught by my parents, how I was taught in my school, and as I have explained in my previous blog the knowledge we are currently taught within all such institutions and from each other has created the present condition of this world where most are poor and suffering and only minority can enjoy this reality in abundance and we are taught to just accept that as being a natural part of life, when it is not actually cast in stone.

So in order to start living according to the principle what’s best for all I had to become aware of the knowledge that was imprinted into me throughout the years and change this preprogramming into self-aware actions where I now have to consciously look and consider the best physical practical ways to go about my days. So this is a process that I am walking and through being patient with myself, allowing myself to make mistakes I slowly change.

If I look back at my life I can see how erratic my behavior used to be where I was acting mostly based on my feelings and emotions that would come up randomly without me understanding how that is generated in my mind . I would never give myself the time of day to stop for a moment and reflect on why, for example, I feel what I feel, or why do I experience the rush of emotions that make me act in ways that I would have regrets about later on. In this I found the importance to have my own time, mostly the evenings, where I sit down and look at my day and reflect on all the significant events that happened and who I was within them. It was interesting to see, initially, that I, as awareness, wasn’t really there and that all the events were simply unfolding based on the years of accumulated knowledge, or simply speaking the systematic preprogramming of how to act in each and every situation and this is what played out day in and day out.

Now with awareness and principled living the life story changes and it’s no longer just a program playing out but I step into the picture to interfere and make some changes in the programming. As I have explained above the tool of consciously slowing myself down was and is very effective, where even though sometimes I do miss some moments and blindly follow my emotions, I am now mostly able to make a choice and say to myself that I refuse to go into the chaos of the mind and in this make a choice/a decision that is not reactive but self-directed, where my guideline of action is the principle of what is best for all.

In my next blog I will continue with the same principle where I want to discuss the morality aspect of it and how and why living according to this principle many in our society would term as negative or unacceptable behavior

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Day 266: It Will Sort Itself Out

 

imagesIn many situations where I have to make a decision and by investigating the choices I consider for the most part myself as the primary beneficiary.  Whenever some compromises has to be made I do it for my own advantage hoping that other parts will adjust accordingly, where my thinking process goes something like “Well, it will sort itself out”.

I can trace back this thinking process back to my childhood and my interactions with my parents. This type of reasoning worked quite well for me most of the times because my parents would close their eyes and put up with my selfish behavior.

That is not the case, however, when living and participating in the system where the interactions between people are directed through established agreements and there is very little space for personal dealings. Whatever is agreed upon has to be followed through and if some part of the agreement does not suit you perfectly you cannot just ignore the agreement considering only yourself.

I mean it’s not long before I have learned this through experiencing consequences where in this then I had to align self and learn to consider all parties involved within the decision making process. For me, I noticed, the trouble comes in by having hope that maybe this time I will get through, maybe this time I can have my way. And it’s interesting to observe my mind, when looking backwards, during the decision making process where I will find ways to justify myself as being the righteous one, as being the victim of the agreement where in this  I decide that I have the full right to amend the agreement to my advantage. Yet being self-honest I can see that I was acting out of self-interest and where my decision was influenced sometimes by factors completely unrelated to the agreement at hand.

So having this obvious problem in the human mind where I am sure many, if not all, have experienced themselves in this scenario what is the solution?

How I am going to approach this is by stopping myself in that moment of making the decision, because from what I have seen so far the decisions were made not being in full awareness and consideration of all that is involved. Thus it’s important to develop this moment of awareness when making a decision where I stop to consider each participant, each one that will and might be affected by my decision and when something does not fit me I can communicate this point, bring it up to all relevant parties, discuss and reach another agreement when and as it is appropriate.

I wish this had been imprinted into my character when I was still a child by my parents. Instead of them being so forgiving they should have explained me the principle of considering everyone equally – as Jesus said “do unto another what you want them to do unto you” which is really cool principle for every child to have as their starting point of behavior. I am sure we would have a different world if that would be a part of our education instead of this survival of the fittest mentality that drives this human RACE.

 

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Day 247: Missing Life of Awareness through the Process of Automation

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This point of absolute unawareness has been coming more frequently these days where in the newspapers we read stories of crimes committed, even by children, where after the incident people have absolutely no clue what and how it happened. In this a great concern arises as the factor of unpredictability is rapidly increasing and one can only guess when something bad can happen. To understand this phenomenon it’s enough to look at our own lives and see similar instances where we do something without any awareness but purely within automatic mode of movement.

I really became concerned on this topic after one event that happened to me at my house. I was lying comfortably in my bed when I decided to go and get the scissors so that I could cut my nails. I was keeping the scissors always in a specific place on my table. So I stood up from the bed and walked towards the table to get the scissors but to my huge surprise nothing was there. I still kept looking around for a while but eventually I gave up and simply walked back to my bed where to my, another, bigger, surprise I saw the scissors already lying by the pillow. That means only that I have already walked, just now, to the table and got them and have put them on my bed, yet this whole event was done in such an automatic mind state that I couldn’t remember anything. So that gave me quite a huge fright making me think how much more I might be missing but not finding it out as I did now. I even asked myself the question whether one day when the time to die will be close I will “wake up” and see that I have missed my entire life. I mean I hear that a lot from old folks, so is this my faith as well?

So what it is that drives the boat in these instances when we are not here? The automatic Mind as we programmed it in time. Now what determines the programing, the input that is placed into our minds? Everything – the parents from the day we are born, television since we are allowed to spend endless hours in front of it, the knowledge and information of those that’s gone before us in the schools, all the friends and acquaintances that we interact with on a daily basis. So now it’s a matter of coincidence what we are exposed to within our environment – when we are born our parents can be alcoholics having endless fights with each other – already here we can determine/predict what the outcome/life of child born into these circumstances will be, what behavior programs will determine and direct all the choices and decisions of this little being in the future and we can also predict what will the whole life on earth be like, as that child is a part of the whole.

I remember when I had a temporary job as a taxi driver in my town, this was an amazing opportunity to meet people that I normally would never meet as we humans have the tendency to remain within the circle/bubble of people that are alike us. Yet working this job I faced many social groups and in this was my first shock of how some people, and here, especially my emphasis was on children, that had absolutely dysfunctional parents. I was raised in a normal family, having all the necessary support and understanding and also some common sense approaching “life” in general. Yet here I started meeting people with absolutely distorted view on reality and the saddest things is that they had children, who had no choice but to be with those people/parents, learn from them and eventually become like them. Here I am talking mostly about families that were heavily into alcoholism or drugs, or some type of mischievous behavior. I had a few opportunities to interact with those children where they shared with me their experiences and this made me depressed for a while as I didn’t see any solution in sight for how to make sure that these children do not follow in the footsteps of their parents. When I looked into it there was nothing that could be done – there are no appropriate institutions that could determine the quality of specific families and in case of seeing the existent disharmony take the children away and provide with what’s best for them. That doesn’t exist in this system. If the family has some money and if they are not beating the brains out of their children – they are allowed to keep them. I mean they are allowed to give birth in the first place without having any assessment by some professionals of some “quality life assessment for future children agency”. No, don’t have that.

So there are no guarantees that when you come into this earth you will have a sound life, where you will be embraced fully as a new life entering this world to enjoy, express and contribute in your own individual way to this reality.

I mean that’s WHY having faced all that and not seeing any solution in sight, not even seeing that anyone would even talk or be concerned about it, I embraced fully the proposal of Equal Money System where such simple things as QUALITY LIFE would become a Human Right for all.

Who can disagree that an innocent child entering this reality does not deserve to be in the best possible conditions to experience life on earth? There is a following statement in the proposed BILL OF RIGHTS within Equal Money Foundation:

3. An Equal Right of Safety and Security for every Child, so that a life free of fear, insecurity and trauma is assured, a life in which parental guidance is balanced with freedom of expression and lived within an environment of creativity and joy so that every Child grows into his or her utmost potential as a unique expression of Life Itself.

We all know that this must become a reality, that there is no excuse for the suffering of children and we have to finally meet and agree on basic points where we all could stand UNITED.

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Day 36: Losing Breath

 

I say to myself I’ll start breathing tomorrow – tomorrow which never comes. If I am not living in awareness of breath – where am I? I am lost in my thoughts constantly and continually following them, being directed by them.

In the last weeks at work I experience an avalanche of thoughts burdening my every action within my daily participation. I stop myself in moments and I tell myself that from now on I’ll be only in my breath and will not follow the thoughts that come. The next moment what do I know – I find myself in an alternate reality doing all kinds of things – fantasizing, fighting with others, dreaming, future projecting etc. And again I tell myself what the fuck you are doing get back to the physical man. Enough is enough. And so it goes day by day. Only in certain moment I have flagged myself to remain here and pay close attention to what I am doing. But these moments are rare. So I am trying to figure out how to push myself to remain here in each moment. I see how much I am addicted to my thinking processes placing total trust in my thought, not grasping at all how can I participate in my environment, interactions with others without constantly thinking what to say, what to do, where to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost in my mind believing that I cannot possibly get out of my endless thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place total trust in my thoughts which are guarding me and protecting me from everyone else

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that through the process of thinking I am guarding and protecting only my limitation as my definition of myself as who I created myself to be

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I created myself to be is a limited personality that lives in constant fear of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry with myself for not allowing myself to slow myself down and become aware of my breath where within this anger I go into inferiority and comparison towards others within the process who I believe are able to stop their thoughts and live in  breath awareness thus sabotaging myself completely to remain stuck in my toughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase for my breath in the future where I think that I require to accomplish certain tasks to be able to remain here as breath not realizing that breath is always here and I can access it any time and remain in it by slowing myself down – seeing what thoughts are coming up in the moment and releasing them through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only during my writings I can become aware of my thoughts and thus  the rest of the time I simply exist in thinking and getting by through the day just to get to writing in the evening

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the writings I do as not being good/specific enough and thus creating energetic experiences trough which I cannot see anything clearly and where I define within that writing as difficult and arduous activity

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am creating my reality in my thoughts – thus if I define something as difficult it sure is as I as the creator of my word said so

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself as creator of my own experiences to create a better reality for myself where what I do would become joyful expression of me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that there are certain things that I have committed myself to do and I will do them anyway whether I perceive it as difficult or easy – so as a creator of my experience within my commitments I am able to decide how I want to experience myself within them and so far I only make everything more difficult for myself instead of simply deciding otherwise and opening myself to different expressions that I have never tried before

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to write from the starting point of getting it done and not actually seeing myself in specificity/self-honesty and writing myself to actually change myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to hide from the real issues that are here because of my believe that I cannot go back to points that I have written many times before out of the fear what others might think of me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fear my reader and exist within desire to want to satisfy my reader to thus get attention as  reward of good feeling for the hard work I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself within most of my writings and writing only from the knowledge point putting the words that sound good but I do not stand equal to them instead of stopping myself in the moment and breathing here to see what are the points that are relevant for my current experience to write about

 

Thus I commit myself to start my writing myself unconditionally and only place words that truly reflect and represent my beingness in the moment where I correctly assess my position and thus enable myself to build practical pathways towards change

I commit myself to stop writing all knowledge that is not lived as myself where within that i realize that i am only confusing myself as well as other who happen to come here

I commit myself to write in breath where I become aware of my fingers typing letters where I take responsibility for each button pressed within realization that here I am determining my future

I commit myself to push myself and do lots of writing until I am truly comfortable with self-expression and where in this way I build trust in myself seeing that what I write is real practical stuff that will support me to develop and change into a being that stands for life in all ways

Day 7: Normal Day

 

Fuck “normal days”.

So I had a “normal day” where the day just passed and everything seemed all right. However within that I realize that this implies complete separation from what is here. Here meaning –how reality exists currently with all consisting relationships, hidden secrets as actual creators of everyday life, all the patterns of behavior that I and everyone exist in and as which are based on separation and self-interest. Basically I was not aware of anything today and thus I had a “normal day”.

So here I would like to redefine what is “normal day” for me and from now on live normal days as within my new definition.

Looking at dictionary one of the definitions or normal is – usual. So a normal day is a usual day. So let’s look at our usual/normal days within our current existence and how an average human being with money experiences it. What are the NORMS of our “normal day” we all accept and allow to exist?

Poverty, starvation, abuse, violence, war, deception, greed, profit – so these are basic general terms that can be broken down into many subcategories where we can begin to see what a shithole we have made of this existence. All these disastrous expressions mentioned above happen in extreme amounts every single day, every single NORMAL day. To the definition of “normal day” of average human being who has money in the pocket we can add – blind ignorance of what is happening outside of self-created mind bubble within the persistent belief “I have nothing to do with this”.

So “my normal” day is where I am unaware of my actions as words and deeds and the consequences that I create through my actions as words and deeds where I just trot along with the events of the day without being aware of my breath and where I spend most of the time in the mind where my thinking is covering the reality of who I am as the participant of this system.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a “normal day” which means that I went along with the day’s events without self-awareness where I missed what is here as the underlying design of reality as myself where within seeing it I have the ability to understand it and find ways to correct it towards a solution that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question every single word and action within my reality but go through the day “normally” accepting and allowing all the norms that I exist in and as

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that going through the day without questioning every single word and action I sink deeper into the accepted Norms of “Life” that are consequently creating all the atrocities currently existing in this world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that “Normal day” is by far not normal looking through the eyes of LIFE because an average human being in the “Normal day” only does what he usually does – supports the system which ensures their survival not seeing and realizing that the same system destroys most of the other forms of life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that trotting through the day as “normal” being without any awareness of where and how I participate within my reality I am ensuring the continuation of myself as the supporter of the abusive system where I believe that what is happening in far corners of the world, where poverty and starvation thrives, has nothing to do with me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I do not take responsibility for my daily life where I investigate every word and deed that I participate within, this system of abuse will not change and will remain as it is –and it is growing in its capacity to destroy all forms of life and thus it will destroy me as life, as my physical body

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only reason I am able to have a “normal day” is because I have money in my pocket otherwise my “normal day” would be a struggle for survival as it is for most beings on this planet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the system where money defines what is a “normal day” for you and where only minority has access to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in self-interest where I don’t mind to have a “normal day” because I am lucky to have access to money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the majority of beings in this world that are not able to have a satisfactory “normal day” where within this separation I do not feel the pain and thus continue to enjoy my position as one who has access to money

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to work towards a solution, that would  support all beings on this earth, as if I was equal and one to those who currently suffer

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am in the best position to work towards a solution that support all life equally because I have money and access to resources – and within that I realize that if I do not act one day I will inevitable be in the position of those who currently suffer and have no means to do anything about it as the realization that there are consequences for all your actions and inactions

 

Within these realizations I redefine my normal day where from now on my normal day is where I act in the interest of all life where I investigate every little detail of my reality and correct it within the principle what’s best for all

So from now on when I say that I had a normal day that means that I have done my part where I remained in my breath not allowing my mind reality to distract me from what is here as this reality and within that work hard to find ways to correct the mess that we created all together establishing the norms by which we “live” not realizing how evil we have actually become

I commit to walk through my day in awareness of what is here where I question every word and deed that I come into contact with and within I see what I can do to correct that which is here into that what is best for all

I commit myself to never forget that all beings in existence have a right to have normal days where they express themselves as life without fear of survival

I commit myself to bring forth the same realization to other beings that still exist in ignorance of what is happening outside of their protective bubbles of alternate mind reality where they are completely unaware of the extensive suffering that is happening to their brothers and sisters

 

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo