Day 302: Direction

In my previous blog I touched on the point of judgment which I was able to identify first of all through seeing that in others and later realizing how much of it I have stored within myself.

So now I started looking at how I have gotten myself in this position, where it is coming from and also what solutions can be applied. It seems like I am existing in a big mix of subtle emotional experiences that prevent any real movement. There is a lot of resistance to even start the process of understanding what is truly happening and confusion in figuring out where to begin. In this way the whole time I spend trying to maintain some form of stability which in the end is simply accumulating into inevitable repetition of the same old patterns I have been living in the past. Surely this makes sense because if I am not the directive principle of my life then I give all the responsibility to my automated mind systems to create the same stuff that’s always been created in the past. In this way of course I am heading for yet another cycle and I definitely see this progression where even in my relationship with my new partner I can already see old patterns emerging which I have promised to myself I will never repeat.

The emotional experience that comes within all this is anxiety. Even though it is very subtle it is still there and in a way it is like an indication that I do not have the necessary self-trust to get through these old patterns and really change. And that is understandable because I have in a way betrayed myself many times when I promised to myself and committed to do something and yet I failed by not pushing myself enough. So this anxiety is like a knowing that I am going to repeat myself and make the same mistakes once more. I do know, like probably most of us, where this path leads and how painful the consequences can be if I do not stand by my decisions to change the direction I am going.

I had an interesting dream when I started looking at this point of direction where in this dream I found myself in a familiar place, it was a big crossroad. I knew that I have been here many times before and I had a memory of how this road looked before whereas now it was rather different, a little bit more complex with more roads connected to it and also a different setup. When standing there, or rather during the moment of reaching this crossroad I had a few moments to decide upon the direction to take and I chose the road on the left side which I joyfully recognized as the road I have been always taking. Also interesting to note that in the back there was a presence of my mother which for me is associated with such words as safety, support, and familiar. Further in the dream I remember experiencing this anxiety I was talking about and I have also seen how this anxiety creates the experience of rushing in my reality because I create another set of believes like “the times is running out”. This again is not of any assistance in my process because I start thinking about all the things I have to do, become overwhelmed by all that and end up doing nothing – which is exactly this old road I have travelled down so many times before. I know where it ends and that’s not where I want to be.

Crossroads-600x355

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself with all the thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of slowing down and realizing that I cannot solve everything at once and that I have to start with a single point, the tip of the iceberg and slowly work my way towards deeper understanding and self-discovery

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anxiety when and as I see myself moving in a direction where I know that I am most likely going to repeat the same old patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of rushing when and as I start experiencing anxiety wherein I create the idea that I am late, I need to move faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how within this experience of rushing I am trying to move as fast as possible and in this I lose all touch with myself and become totally overwhelmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, understand and realize the simplicity of the process as the consistency of daily self-application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the enjoyment and the excitement of self-discovery where instead I have convinced myself that self-investigation is hard work

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dreams within the belief that I am not able to change them instead of realizing the supportive nature of dreams to show the consequences of my accepted patterns if I choose to continue living them

 

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself creating an emotion of overwhelmingness to stop, take a breath and realize that all I have to be concerned about is working with one point at a time and as long as I am consistent in my daily application

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in anxiety about repeating old patterns, stop myself, breathe and realize that my anxiety is a consequence of many failures and thus it will take time to rebuild trust in myself by proving to myself that I can stand by my decisions and also to make sure I do not make the mistake of trying to live up to big decisions but begin with small seemingly insignificant moments within understanding that the big things consist of many small ones

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the experience of rushing within the thoughts that I am late, I need to move faster, stop myself, breathe and realize that through this experience I am not really seeing where and how I am moving and I am much more likely to move into my old patterns of behaviour where I lose touch with myself, my body and thus I slow down and focus myself on specific points that I decide to work on

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the resistance to write and apply myself by having the idea that this is hard and difficult stop myself, breathe and remind myself that when I am moving slowly and when I am focused I am actually finding out a lot about myself and even though it’s not always pleasant it is actually refreshing and enjoyable

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself fearing my dreams, stop myself and realize that dreams are here to support me and in many cases are cool warning signs of what will happen if I do not change and that I am actually able to change what I have seen towards a different direction through self-directive self-application

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LINKS FOR SELF-SUPPORT:

Day 299: New Job and the Discovery of Stress

thI have started a new job recently and in this position I’ve had moments that were rather intense. Throughout my life I have pretty much avoided any responsibility and all the jobs I had in the past were essentially an easy ride for me. I did observe the people who would get stressed in their jobs and I could not relate or understand how you get to such a point.

In this new job, however, my understanding expanded and I have had the moments where it seemed like I was on the edge of breaking down because of the workload and the pressure to get things done. Despite these moments being tough I found that they are also an opportunity to expand and break the limitations I had about what is possible. Essentially what I have learned is that when those intense moments come there is no time for thinking, no time for distraction and all the focus and attentions must be absolutely here on the task. I was satisfied with myself after being able to manage these moments and each time when the same moments with same intensity came I was able to find my stability more quickly and be more effective.

So I am glad that I am finally learning what it means to focus myself on something so completely and where you get things done for real. It took me a long time to get to this point because I resisted change a lot, I was always fearing and anticipating the worst, holding also the belief that I require more and more preparation to start something without realizing that there is only so much you can prepare and that without real application of the knowledge there is no improvement possible.

In this little journey I found that there are many factors which determine how we will handle stress and most are within our ability to direct and perfect ourselves within yet what I also found is that the system is sometimes too demanding thus pushing individuals too hard without considering their needs and abilities.

I have seen people being constantly under stress and where that stress is accumulating from day to day leading to undesirable consequences. In this blog I would like to note one important factor I have noticed which revels quite accurately that there are problems. And that is SLEEP patterns. This seems to be a prevalent problem in our current work environment. I have spoken to many people and it is obvious that it’s a big issue which is not addressed and given the significance it deserves. When I started working in my new position I have worked very long hours but at the same time I noticed that I also required longer sleeping hours to “digest” all the new information so to speak and it worked very well where the next day I would wake up with a clear mind ready to take the new challenges of the day. When this cycle is disturbed the challenges become burdens which accumulate and may lead to mental and physical exhaustion. Here are some very supportive blogs on this subject for anyone having sleep issues:

Oh! Good night’s rest, Good night’s rest…wherefore art thou Good night’s rest

Sleeping: Trying to fight a losing battle

To Sleep or Not to Sleep – the Dilemma with Tiredness

When I want to Sleep my problems away – yet my problems keep me Awake…

It’s unfortunate that the system we live in sometimes places unreasonable demands by forcing us, through the fear of survival, to keep working and producing results without considering simple, common sense needs of the individuals. So by doing the best we can in our individual lives we also have to pay attention and seek bigger solutions that would challenge the current system to change it into one that considers real physical needs of all humans as well as animals and plants. I support the movement of “Living Income Guaranteed” which addresses these issues by providing practical solutions to our sleepless nights.

More on Stress:

Is it Possible For Stress to be Constructive?

 

Day 293: Being in Agreement with Myself that Change is Required

3370319232_7fec3969d0I have a blocked nose, some head and eye pain for a few days now which most likely at this point is due to environmental factors such as wind, heat and cold of which I have plenty here. I speculate that my movement in terms of accepting a new position/responsibility at work which required of me to break quite a few deep character patterns has in a way weakened my established constitution thus making me more susceptible to outside influences.

I can still experience a sort of battle within me where the old and the new meet. I have decided within myself that I will no longer procrastinate and wait for changes to happen but that I will take initiative and go with the decisions that empower me. The past, as my thoughts of fear, anxiety, insecurity, laziness and also desires to indulge in positive energy experiences are still coming up where in this I am standing with my decision in front of me and I refuse to follow my old patterns and I refuse to succumb to the influences which were producing only the negative consequences very well proven in time.

I accept those fears, the anxieties, and the desires realizing that they have been a part of me for a very long time and thus it will take some time to transform that. I do not resist or judge those parts of me but I support myself by giving myself the credit for making the small steps to stand. The saying that later is better than never is cool. So all parts of me are here and we all walk hand in hand realizing that the change is necessary and that what we are doing is for the better.

Now in terms of this transition from the old into the new I found the aphorism made by the founder of homeopathy Samuel Hahnemann very supportive. Even though he speaks about the role of a physician when dealing with a disease still we can view it from the perspective of us being our own physicians who are dealing with our dis-ease that was preventing us to live truly fulfilling lives:

“The highest ideal of cure is rapid, gentle and permanent restoration of the health, or removal and annihilation of the disease in its whole extent, in the shortest, most reliable, and most harmless way, on easily comprehensible principles.

Even though the reality is often different and we experience quite a turmoil when dealing with change the above point can serve as a guideline towards which we can strive by perfecting ourselves each time we face the challenges of change from a dis-eased state into a healthier one.

Now in terms of “comprehensible principles” mentioned in the text here I would like to mention one of them which was and is extremely supportive for me at this point in time on this journey of change. That is the point of judgment – of Self and others. And that is because I am noticing that, at least in the beginning, I am making a lot of mistakes. In the past this would have stopped me and I would have fallen back into my usual self-limiting patterns where I feel comfortable and where I would not push myself nor expand nor try new things. Now by dealing with this fear of failure, and again by using another useful principle of writing and investigating myself, I can accept the fuck-ups I make and just move on. It’s truly liberating. Try it!!! And another interesting thing is that once I started supporting myself in this and removing the self-judgments, the others around me also started supporting me and giving a thumbs up, even when I did some really ridiculous mistakes lol. So I am really grateful to many people in my reality for standing as that support in those moments when I really needed it. That gives great motivation to go on and be the same for others

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Day 289: Beautiful Nightmare of Being Dead

3.-dream-interpretation-death-and-dyingYou probably know those dreams that are so terrible and yet so good at the same time, this is one of them. It’s like a glimpse into a possible future, a future that is to come if I do not change the direction in which I am going. I’ve had quite a few of those in my life and some of them assisted me a lot to do some critical introspection and really ask myself what the hell I am doing with my life and what am I creating as my future.

 
So in this dream I was basically dead but not completely, meaning I was still in my body knowing in absolute certainty that it’s all over, it’s as if I was waiting to crossover and preparing myself for that moment.

 
I mean some awareness always exists in me that I might possibly die, especially considering the unpredictable nature of this reality were people die every day from most various causes, but even with all that still there exists some distance between Me and Death. Now in the dream the experience was like – shit it really happened to me.

 
It was a bit overwhelming to say the least. The first thing that came up when looking back at my life was the missed opportunities to create something worthwhile, worst part being that I had the knowledge, understanding also the circumstances and the tools to create the change I desired. Instead I was waiting, I was postponing, giving myself more time to waste – and now suddenly, in this dream, THE TIME WAS UP, ‘I missed the train’ – regret was enormous.

 
Upon waking up from the dream it took me a few second to come back to reality and realize that I am still here, alive. The dream was following me the whole morning and everything I was doing I was enjoying it no matter how I viewed those tasks previously.

 
So that’s why I say that this ‘nightmare’ was actually a gift in disguise – gift in terms of having a little taste of death before the real thing gets to me. Surely it’s up to me now to use this gift and in this make some of the corrections/changes that I have seen I failed to create. In this I ask myself – what do I need to do with my life so that when I die I could be at peace with myself and have no regrets for what I left behind. That is the question I am walking with now – it’s certainly a big one and in order to make it more practical for myself I have reduced a lifetime into a day – meaning, at the end of each day when going to bed I ask myself – am I satisfied with this day? Have I made even a small change? Have I made any action towards bettering myself? Am I satisfied with who I was during this day in terms of my interactions with people, the animals, and all my surroundings?

 
Now I can see that it will definitely be a process to arrive at this place of being completely satisfied with myself, yet I am pleased and grateful to myself for at least moving in the right direction, from where I can develop the self-trust and move a bit faster each time.

 

 

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Day 280: Can’t we just get rid of people we don’t want in our Lives?

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CoolArt4I have listened to an eye opening interview about the dynamics of relationship that we have in our reality and how it works when we decide that certain relations don’t fit us anymore and we want to end them.

In my life I have made some pretty drastic decisions where I basically said to some long-time friends to be gone from my life. At the moment it seemed the right choices to be made, but now, after having walked some years of life experience as well as listening to the interview I can admit to myself that within those decisions I did not take everything into consideration and if given another chance I would approach things differently. However, now that this is done it’s my responsibility to understand what happened and share this understanding within “hope” that others might read and be more informed to make their own decisions.

So the first thing to consider and understand is that through the process of change we are interrupting and distressing the whole system network of relationships where, the longer/older the relationships are, with all the memories attached, the bigger the disruption is and the longer it might take for the change to be accepted and integrated. So if we have, let’s say a friend who’s been there since the “beginning”, then we can likely brace ourselves for a more challenging process of change because there are a lot of memories holding the old “who I am” in place. There is also a chance that the being simply chooses to remain within the old programming and there is nothing one can do about but to continue walking the process of self-change as an example of what is possible.

So there are many different scenarios possible yet within it all the most important part is ourselves, our own standing where no matter what is happening we remain absolutely stable, non-reactive, and always able to assess the situation/event clearly and practically where within that we can make the best decisions.

The tendency is, and I have experienced this in my own process, to start playing the wise guy, where apparently I had the power to decide who is possibly gonna make it and who is useless, whom I must shun from my life and who can stay. I mean my perception when and as seeing everything through the mind’s eye is extremely limited and I am aware only of the tiniest piece of a person’s life compared to the whole existential multidimensional process and many times I have been proved wrong in my assumptions about specific people in my reality. So again, humbleness here is a virtue that we can practice, especially realizing that our inconsiderate decisions can have big consequences for ourselves and other people’s lives.

Thus when and as we make decisions it’s to ensure real stability where we see clearly all the physical/practical details without the mind influencing our perception and most importantly be self-honest in seeing whether the relationship is actually sorted within ourselves or are we just turning to drastic measures of cutting pieces from ourselves like mad doctors believing we are contributing to the process of healing.

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Day 277: The Change is Knocking

????????????????????????????????????????????????????The point I would like to discuss is the point of change, the real change and how that is met by me with some resistance and excitement at the same time. Surely I am, as we all must be, tired of the old self where only hope of change was keeping me alive and yet when the real change knocks at the door, saying I cannot wait any longer, there is slight resistance and a little bit of fear, especially when seeing the uncompromising nature/force that the real change represents. There is a line.

There is still a choice existing and one can cross the line and remain with the old self and in this probably experience eternal regret thinking “what if” until the end of days. The other choice, however, requires for the “castle of self” to go down, the ego must step aside and in humbleness acknowledge the defeat and the pointlessness of further fighting – there is no point in fighting, there is no dignity to be restored or kept– there was none yet.  There were only words that were said but not lived, as the living process proves to be the most difficult part.

What I have been allowing for so long cannot any longer be allowed, and I am sure we all know our greatest weaknesses and parts of self that we must most immediately improve and so in this we have the first step ready for us to walk.

Lack of motivation was the first thing that came to mind now and as a response I can say to myself to keep looking, to keep seeing the reality around me, keep educating on what is really going on in the world and that will assist greatly to stop the illusion of perceived normalcy that is believed and portrayed all around within the society that I belong to. Within constant self-education and understanding of the system as an absolute abusive nature it represents we see our insanity and this seeing is the necessary motivation to stand up from self-infused ignorance.

 

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Day 254: Giving Control to the Mind and taking it Back

 

We all function according to various patterns of behavior and whatever we live longest as our accepted and allowed actions – these get ingrained and become our living daily “who we are”. I am currently in the process of changing my patterns into something more productive because how I have allowed myself to exist in the recent months is simply unacceptable. So it’s fortunate that Human Nature is programmable and thus correction is possible.

I have not been living in the actual reality but more in the imagination of my mind, where I was giving myself justifications as the scriptures of actions that I will be doing “tomorrow”. But that tomorrow never comes and it simply allows me an easy “floating through the days” experience to take hold of me. Distractions are many and when allowed they grow into big obstacles that take over and direct the whole living experience when there are more than enough required physical actions to be taken in the most serious manner.

So here I am committing myself to end the patterns I have accepted and allowed and in this return to real physical reality, learn to stand equal to what is here and what needs to be done in order to secure a self-movement that is productive and meaningful.

This will firstly include writing as an essential part of seeing the reality of me in detail. The importance of writing has been emphasized in many instances and by many intelligent people throughout time. Now I can add to this as well as I have lived a period of constant writing and a period without. The difference is significant where the period where I haven’t placed myself on paper becomes just an empty, meaningless ride without direction or much understanding of what is happening within and without. Writing is important in giving one perspective and insight into how one is viewing reality and self within it and where in this it can be analyzed and self-corrective actions, with actual understanding, become possible.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in into the resistance which I experienced when and as I applied self-directive discipline in my daily living not realizing that it takes as long as it takes and my duty is to never give up but move forward with full dedication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how important it is to see and catch in time the justifications used by the mind to not apply self and how these small justification can quickly grow into big obstacles as the new patterns of behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in hope of tomorrow even having fully realized the hopelessness of this hope

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose the easy way not realizing that it’s actually in reverse where the easy way becomes very hard as it is full of consequences and tough choices which could have been prevented

I commit myself to design and live the correction of returning myself to a way of living that is meaningful and with integrity

I commit myself to become aware and actually take action when distractions and justifications are in my way

I commit myself to not be too hard on myself and not too easy but find the point of balance that is practically effective in living an effective life where I make decisions and bring them into fruition

 

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