Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am

 

Norvz-Austria-Makes-Time-Stand-StillThis comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.

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Day 266: It Will Sort Itself Out

 

imagesIn many situations where I have to make a decision and by investigating the choices I consider for the most part myself as the primary beneficiary.  Whenever some compromises has to be made I do it for my own advantage hoping that other parts will adjust accordingly, where my thinking process goes something like “Well, it will sort itself out”.

I can trace back this thinking process back to my childhood and my interactions with my parents. This type of reasoning worked quite well for me most of the times because my parents would close their eyes and put up with my selfish behavior.

That is not the case, however, when living and participating in the system where the interactions between people are directed through established agreements and there is very little space for personal dealings. Whatever is agreed upon has to be followed through and if some part of the agreement does not suit you perfectly you cannot just ignore the agreement considering only yourself.

I mean it’s not long before I have learned this through experiencing consequences where in this then I had to align self and learn to consider all parties involved within the decision making process. For me, I noticed, the trouble comes in by having hope that maybe this time I will get through, maybe this time I can have my way. And it’s interesting to observe my mind, when looking backwards, during the decision making process where I will find ways to justify myself as being the righteous one, as being the victim of the agreement where in this  I decide that I have the full right to amend the agreement to my advantage. Yet being self-honest I can see that I was acting out of self-interest and where my decision was influenced sometimes by factors completely unrelated to the agreement at hand.

So having this obvious problem in the human mind where I am sure many, if not all, have experienced themselves in this scenario what is the solution?

How I am going to approach this is by stopping myself in that moment of making the decision, because from what I have seen so far the decisions were made not being in full awareness and consideration of all that is involved. Thus it’s important to develop this moment of awareness when making a decision where I stop to consider each participant, each one that will and might be affected by my decision and when something does not fit me I can communicate this point, bring it up to all relevant parties, discuss and reach another agreement when and as it is appropriate.

I wish this had been imprinted into my character when I was still a child by my parents. Instead of them being so forgiving they should have explained me the principle of considering everyone equally – as Jesus said “do unto another what you want them to do unto you” which is really cool principle for every child to have as their starting point of behavior. I am sure we would have a different world if that would be a part of our education instead of this survival of the fittest mentality that drives this human RACE.

 

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Day 5: Positive Communication

I noticed very nauseating pattern that I exist in and as – where within communicating with other beings I go into positivity trying to cover the real issues at hand instead of having guts and speaking directly what I see in the moment. Usually I notice what I have done but it’s too late – I can only forgive myself, correct myself and make sure that never again I miss these moments to actually connect with another being, get in their shoes and walk together to solve patterns that are destructive.

I see this has a lot do with my uncertainty and doubt where I believe that I am never in a position to suggest anything to another because of the state that I am in myself as well as the fear of other people’s reactions. This self-belief is not valid and is used by me basically to avoid responsibility to take action. It’s obvious that with this attitude I will never get to know myself or others in depth but will only fuck around on the surface of the conscious mind personalities. The fear of others reactions is also not valid because when I point something to someone and if that that point is not the point then the person should not be influenced by it or have a reaction towards it because they know within themselves that this point that I am pointing is clear within them, however if reaction comes up that means there is a problem. Surely here what has to be considered is the approach where I make sure that I don’t come from the starting point of blame or judgment but that I am merely stating information clearly without any energetic projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look only for my self-interest as keeping my good image about myself when facing a challenging situation where I use positivity to cover the real issues and thus I don’t take responsibility to bring problems of this reality into real practical solutions that requires courageous exposure and radical actions

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that solutions to this world cannot be overcome by avoiding them through positive attitude but that they must be faced head on where the real shit is uncovered no matter how uncomfortable that is and no matter what that will do to my image that I have about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image about myself where i am always smiling and positive and apparently being able to solve problems in a nice way while all the while I haven’t really assisted a single being with this kind of behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to tell the bad news to people in humorous way but yet so far I haven’t been able to show this way anyone the seriousness of the problems that we all face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into unknown territory, meaning that I fear being straightforward with people in telling them exactly what I see, of course doing that without any emotional energetic projection, instead I always do what I always knew  – to try and make people see the points in a nice manner – however that just doesn’t work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a double faced deceiver within communicating with other people where within myself I have one train of thoughts that I speak inside myself and then there are actual words that I say and speak that do not reflect my inner reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by wanting to assist people to see what they are participating within using my positive attitude I am actually doing more harm because when they exist in a “negative” state covering that with “positive” creates more friction that takes one even further away from facing the real problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so blind to the reality around me where  within participating in a moment with another being I can only see myself and consider only my self-interest and self-image  as proved by my positive attitude that I use to cover the real issues that must be brought up for an effective resolution

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is my responsibility to expose dishonesties that I see within another without in any way coloring the truth to make it look better than it really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself from being so inconsiderate within communication with another instead of correcting myself and making sure that from now on I speak as a real being without any fear to make my hands dirty

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself being able to point out to another what I see they are doing that is causing their problems where I do not take time and care to place myself in their shoes to understand in totality what they are experiencing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take enough time to understand another beings position where I can later say to myself  that I did everything in my power to assist them – I realize that I am responsible for every single being I meet in my reality and thus I take all the time required to walk myself into perfection where I become as effective as possible in bringing realizations and the required change to myself and others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reaction that I might get from people if I point out to them what I see that they are doing that doesn’t support them where I do not realize that their reaction is an indication that the point is painful and thus requires support

Thus from now on I commit to myself that I will be more considerate within communicating to people where I place my full attention to the interaction making sure I understand every word being said

When and as I see myself fearing to be straightforward to people in communication I stop myself, I breathe – I clear my starting point where I make sure there is no blame/judgment or any other energetic projection and I talk in a straightforward manner placing my words with care and full consideration for another, the same way that I would like to be cared and considered myself

I commit myself to become a responsible being that is willing to support self and another as self within brutal self-honesty where I realize that this is the only way to face self as what we have become in our acceptances and allowances

 

Artwork by Matti Destonian Freeman