Day 301: Back to Self-Acceptance

It’s been a while since my last blog because I cleverly managed to convince myself that it’s ok to take some time off from writing and focus on other stuff. That other stuff was “preparing for tomorrow” but it never came so I finally realize that today is the day that I have to get back to this awesome habit of writing, expressing and sharing myself. I can see now the consequence of not doing this – i spend way more time in the mind trying to think what to write instead of simply sharing me as i am.

When i look why this big hesitation to share myself i see that – well the thing is i don‘t really like myself and only recently i saw a glimpse of how much judgment i have suppressed within me, towards me and towards others. This i came to realize by waking up to the fact that judgment became the primary point i was seeing in others and also became quite reactive to it (red flag). I remember the words of Bernard Poolman: “you become that which you see in others“. So yes i found that I was hiding from myself in plain sight while actually knowing this whole time the reality of me but just not really wanting to admit it and still holding onto the belief that tomorrow I will find a solution.

So, again, there is no tomorrow, and I made an agreement with myself to start one step at a time, however small it is.

self-expression-paulo-zerbato

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Day 58: The Smiling Personality

Throughout my life I have learned amazing technique to deal with any type of problem or situation where I felt I wasn’t in control – that is to put on a smile on my face. It is an easy act and it is really effective with most beings, where most people respond in the same manner and so we pass each other as if everything is alright, thus never getting to actually get to know each other, because who we really are behind these fake smiles is suppressed and hidden. I can look at myself and definitely see that I am not smiling inside in most cases. Many times there is a backchat running where I have nasty and judgmental thoughts towards another and yet I smile. I hide my true self, because I fear exposing my inner reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk with a smile on my face as if everything is fine all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear the smiling mask for so long that I started to believe that this is who I am – a benign being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a smile on my face while inside of me there are many judgments/blame/anger towards myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the possibility of conflict if I do not pretend to be a happy person in front of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost not knowing what to say or do when people ask me what is wrong with me when I they see my grim and frowned face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when people ask me what is wrong with me or why I am not happy where I immediately judge them as being ignorant and blind to the problems in this world where my backchat goes “how can you be happy when you live as a slave to this system and where people starve and die because of our allowance of this pretended happiness”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that people would understand me and share my concerns while I remain silent and do not share myself as who I am and what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smiling and pretending to be alright as a mechanism to get rid of people and avoid the possibility to start a conversation if they were to ask me what’s wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my smiling personality where within that I went into the opposite polarity where I deliberately looked sad and troubled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are only two choices – whether I am happy or not where within that I try to find a balance and constantly control myself by observing people’s reactions and seeing what works best, meaning what gets me through without attracting attention

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to avoid people not realizing that I have to face them all and express common sense about the actual existence of our current living

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be a real being who reflects in my whole body’s expression the reality of this existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget what it means to walk the process in and as courage where I bravely face all beings in my existence by speaking and expressing what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that existing in thoughts I am unable to see what is here thus I am in my mind as energy movement where I exist within polarities of good and bad – and thus I am in constant fight between the good and bad trying to balance the equation where I believe that this balance is my point of stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is no solution in thinking thus until I allow thoughts to decide my actions I will never be able to express myself in a way that does not create some form of friction and thus I will never be stable but only a subject to energetic triggers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having thoughts is the only way to survive not realizing that I am surviving only as a limited personality as the mind that exist in constant fight between polarities infinitely spinning in the same behavior patterns as I can prove to myself that through writing

I commit myself to stop pretending that everything is fine and stop putting a fake smile on my face to thus equalize my outer expression and my inner reality as how I experience myself within – to thus be able to see the dis-ease that I have become and correct it by taking complete self-responsibility for all my behavior

I commit myself to learn communication skills through pushing myself to interact with people where in that process I will learn to comfortably handle conflict situations by remembering that all I have to do is slow myself down and direct the moment as myself through breathing here in awareness where I have all the power to decide my actions and stop reactions

Day 48: Self-trust in communication with females

 

I have this fear of communicating with females in my reality where within that communication I do not trust myself and perceive that I am doing something wrong.  Especially when the communication is enjoyable, when we laugh and have fun basically. In these moments my mind immediately interprets that as flirting and thus I get into an experience of guilt.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret each interaction that I have with female that I find attractive as flirting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the thoughts that arise within me personally and react to them in guilt

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remain as breath within communication with a female where I can see my thoughts for what they are – attempts of the minds to interpret the situation based on my past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself bound to my past where within that I better avoid all interactions with females rather than push myself within absolute self-direction as a physical action and thus change myself into guiltlessness in proving to myself that I can stand and consider another being as equal to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself under constant control while communicating with females where everything I say is based on preplanned thinking where I basically try to fight my thoughts in a way to remain “innocent” in my communication instead of standing within practical simplicity and being aware of my breath where within every in breath/out breath moment I make a decision of who I am where then I let go my self-control and trust myself that my outbreath will be what’s best for all

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that each being in existence currently is walking the process out of the mind into the physical thus every interaction with any being is reflecting me back to myself and thus it is my responsibility to consider each moment as opportunity to get to know myself and to look for ways how can I assist/support myself and another as myself to move within the process more effectively

 

I commit myself to remove all my fear of having an interaction with another being whether male or female where I remain in my breath in each moment and where I make sure that the starting point of each word and sentence is what’s best for all

I commit myself to stop taking my mind personally and see it for what it really is – attempts to define and categorize my reality out of fear to exist in the unknown – yet all I need is my breath and the principle of living which is best for all

I commit myself to be stable and consistent in my living from where I develop self-trust to stand in face of any situation

 

Artwork byGreg Wiater

 

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Day 6: Chasing Myself

I have written about time in my previous blog of Day 2 where within that I corrected my perception about the lack of time where I no more allow myself to justify my non-participation because of lack of time where within that I looked into my days and found that there plenty of time gaps that I can utilize for self-support. That’s mostly related to the time when I am at work for two weeks a month, as during the other two I have all day for myself.

Ok, so now I noticed another pattern where I participate – I found myself constantly on the run, meaning that I am literally running most of the time while moving myself from point A to point B. It’s exactly like in the movie “In –time” where the poor people had a habit to move very fast in order to save the little time they had because if they run out of time they die. So that’s kind of my experience that I find myself in where I am constantly rushing and chasing time.

Cool, I save a few minutes like that but what I miss is more important. I miss life that is here in the moment– while being in this rushy mode I do not notice what’s happening around me because my main goal is point B. Then when I get to point B there is nothing because I don’t even how I got here and that’s what is important, to understand how I got here. Now I sit here, experiencing some emotion within myself, however because I missed so many moments getting here I cannot even look back and see how I got to this place, where did I create these energetic movement that I experience within myself? I missed the whole story.

Long time ago I heard this little story that depicts quite well the difference between being in the rush vs moving slowly.

There were two ox, one young and the other old, they were standing on the hill watching a herd of cows grazing in the field. The young one said to the old “let’s run quickly and maybe we’ll get one of the cows” but the old one was standing calmly and replied: “no, be patient, we will go down slowly and get them all”

Surely the old ones, that represent the wisdom and knowledge , fucked us up with their stories into a position where we are now as the totality of the world, where they have only considered getting the “cows” for themselves alone, through that imprinting the self-interest that most humans exist in and as currently. I am not gonna go further into the story where we can look at what do “cows” represent and how they feel about being manipulated into submission as the story implies. What I would like to look into, however, is the method that has been utilized to achieve the goals – it’s through slowing down and moving with patience. That is they key answer in seeing and understanding SELF which I have been missing in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in constant rush believing that if I move fast I can do more without realizing that by moving fast I miss everything what is happening around me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that by rushing I am making mistakes creating a distrust within myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that by existing in and as this pattern of rushing I am existing as an automatic robot that acts only according to self-programming because during the rushing experience I am not directing myself effectively

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that only by slowing myself where I am in alignment with my breath I am only able to act in awareness and consideration of my environment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that this rushing experience is created within the believe that I have to catch up to something or someone, basically trying to catch myself – instead I realize that through slowing down I stop and I see that I am already here

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason I chase for myself is also caused by the believe that who I am here is not good enough and thus I must achieve something to become able to see myself

 

When and as I see myself being in the experience of rush I slow down, I realign myself with the pace of my breath realizing that there is nowhere to run, nothing to chase after, I am already here

I realize that the only thing I can find by chasing is trouble because through my hastiness and unawareness I encounter different situations within which I act in automation as programmed robot where I am unable to see what I participate within and as a consequence I accumulate layers of energetic experiences as thoughts/feeling/emotions which take me further and further away from my breath

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that this rushing pattern manifest in everything I do where I am obsessed with the quantity but not quality of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future and run towards that projection completely missing myself here as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea about myself and how I should be where I am missing the starting point of SELF

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that this point was exactly the cause why I never could commit myself for longer periods of effective self-application where I would simply run away from myself into future projection abdicating the real physical process that has to be walked to get where I want to get

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with other people participating in the process where within reading their blogs I participate in the polarity of better/worse, more/less effective and within that I elevate myself into mind future projections that do not reflect the actuality of who I am here as one who needs to sit down and walk slowly the process of self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that before now I have never given myself the opportunity to get to know the real/effective application of self-forgiveness and within that judge myself for wasting so much time in my ignorance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don’t need self-forgiveness because I am too good for it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to walk in humbleness and apply myself point by point, breath by breath as everyone else in this process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, even within actually realizing that I haven’t gotten anywhere by not applying myself like everyone else, exist in hope that I will realize myself by some other means because I am different, better than the rest

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ignore self-forgiveness and define it as not really necessary even though I have proven to myself its effectiveness in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my ego to stand in the way not allowing me to walk in humbleness the process of self-forgiveness that’s been laid out for us unconditionally by those who walked the path and proved its effectiveness in releasing self from the limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for my limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I will be if let go my limitations

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that writing self-forgiveness is a living process where I uncover my resistances, my limitations as beliefs, ideas, perceptions, judgments to be able to see who I am beyond that

 

I commit myself to walk in humbleness the process of self-forgiveness and eventually stop all my fears to become a being that is able to stand as trustworthy to always act in ways that is best for all life

When and as I see myself participating within justifications why self-forgiveness is not necessary I stop and realize that this is my ego speaking that exists in the fear of survival  and thus in this moment I apply self-forgiveness to release the fear within realization that my ego as separate entity is the reason why this existence is in the current state where everything is divided into separate pieces as many egos that all fight between each other for survival and so I refuse to continue my participation in this war and I give way for life to emerge of which I am also a part

Artwork byTalamon Joseph Berta