Day 248: Waiting for the Answer

 

 

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for an answer from outside source instead of giving myself the answer and living that answer in physical reality where I can test that answer and see if the answer was the answer or I need to give myself another answer and so I continue the process if self-investigation through real practical application until the answer I give myself is practical, livable and effective where in this process I develop self-trust as knowing that I am able to find solutions to every obstacle that I encounter in my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a slave waiting for instructions from outside resisting to take full responsibility for my life where whenever something “bad” happens I can play dumb claiming that I am not the one making the decisions, I am just a slave here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become accustomed to the live of being a little slave unwilling to give up the little things that bring me pleasure – like happily trotting along, participating within thoughts and fantasies of the mind where I remain blind to the harsh reality in and around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about braking free from the clutches of self-inflicted slavery but do nothing substantial to make this happen for real, especially when I know in exact detail what needs to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within seeing the reality of myself as what I have become as the slave and then within seeing the possible potential that exists within me to make the decision to remain unchanged for a little longer, basically fooling myself that there is time and I can still allow myself to play around for a while and only then get serious about the reality not realizing within that how the mind has played a trick on me where in this the potential is lost and I am fully lost as a slave in the fields bending my back to support my survival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage every opportunity that I have to break free from the mind control where I keep falling and spinning within stupidity cycles instead of stopping the carousel and applying that which know is effective tools of real living

I commit myself to when and as I start complaining and/or becoming depressed about my current state that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in to stop and breathe within realizing that I have blamed myself long enough and also realize that this blame served only as further self-enslavement mechanism to remain stuck – thus I commit myself to stop all blaming and simply live the answer which I know holds the key to freedom

I commit myself to identify and understand the techniques of the mind through which I have enslaved myself and in this ensure that I no longer succumb to them and so move myself in the direction of existing potential where I discover and expand myself beyond the comfy limitations that I grew accustomed to

 

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Day 133: DESTENI Character – Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part3)

 

Physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from thought to reactions to backchat manifest physical pains within my body, mostly neck and shoulders together with general feeling of tiredness instead of stopping this self-sabotaging creation in the moment of its birthing process and bring myself back to breathing HERE and within that making the decision to stop all mind creation processes realizing that all my desires/comparisons/ideas about who I am in the process is the weight that is falling on my shoulders thus creating this physical uncomfortability that I experience in my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create additional layers of thoughts/reactions/backchat within me in the attempt to uplift myself into positive from the negative experience where within that process my body gets the surge of mind generated energy that I use to straighten myself up within my body and where within that I start to believe that it’s me as who I really am is standing up while in reality it’s just a temporary energetic surge that hides the reality of me as the negative experience that I have accepted and allowed as me

I commit myself to look at myself without fear of seeing the truth of me realizing the uselessness of denying/resisting my negative experiences as they are not who I really am but are my acceptances and allowances that I can within breath identify and correct into practical living solution

 

Consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequence of creating and participating within Desteni character where my starting point within all my activities was not me but the idea of me and so thus I missed myself within looking out there, outside not realizing I am here and all that I need is here as me within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when reading articles and listening to interviews from the Desteni group I was doing it selectively because I was only feeding the limited Desteni character that is based on thoughts- thus energy – thus polarity – thus likes and dislikes instead of actually seeing and hearing the material as it is in its entirety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my desires/wants/needs that I expected to fulfill within my participation within the group thus making my participation to be selective and directed to only those areas that are relevant for the fulfillment of my wants/needs/desires thus I wasn’t actually walking the process for SELF but only for the limited character that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I commit myself to see, recognize and learn from my consequences that I have manifested through my acceptance and allowance of Desteni character that stood as and acted on my account where now I stand accountable for my actions realizing my responsibility to no longer repeat the same loops as that would indicate my stupidity and deliberate spitefulness towards life

 

Artwork by Cathy Krafft (Destonian)

 

Day 131: DESTENI Character – Self-Forgiveness / Commitments (Part1)

Continuation from

Day 130: stopping self-sabotage

Day 129: The Desteni Character

 

Fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being part of Desteni message and create of it something more than it really is – as walking the process of stopping illusionary mind reality and becoming practical, physical human being that recognizes equality and oneness with everything that exists here – instead I made Desteni group into special place of higher beings that are above common people and thus I had to find ways how to belong to this group to so escape from the normal existence of common man and also become special like them where within that I was already perceiving myself as special and thus separate from others in my world and reality that I perceived as common/mediocre and so within that I was completely missing the actual message of Oneness and Equality that Desteni begins as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might not be able to understand the Desteni message and thus end up on the outskirts of the Desteni group where within that my starting point of movement was mechanically complying and doing what the group was doing in order to belong to the group where I did not live the realizations as myself, was not seeing for myself, wasn’t trusting myself and within that wasn’t taking self-responsible actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the message of self-responsibility where I have seen how far I have gone to become absolute follower of the system being in absolute petrification to stand outside the system and direct myself as myself as life in each moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that fear walk in the background in HOPE that I will magically change and stand up without making directive decisions to actually do it and so become visible where I state to the world in absolute self-trust who I am and what I stand for

So my fear was basically the fear of not living up to my ideas that I created about who I must be within the group of Desteni, the process. Later however all my ideas about people of Desteni and process itself were shattered once I visited the farm and found what simplicity of practical living really is. I was really glad when all this weight of trying to sustain my imaginary characters was off and I could just be. So that basically revealed how I was taking the Desteni material and hearing it through the eyes of fear and desire, not seeing, realizing and understanding the totality and the simplicity of the message.

So within that I commit myself to remove any and all ideas about what process is, who the people within process are and thus concentrate on myself where I ensure that I take self-responsibility to stop participation in my mind and so I get back to physical reality where I realize the simplicity of living here as the flesh of the earth and where I work together with other physical beings as an equal participant to establish living conditions that support all beings equally

When and as I see fears arising within me as thoughts and considerations about who I am in relation to Desteni – I stop and I breathe. I realize that any fear indicates separation from myself here into the mind reality and thus I require to identify the fear, release the fear and walk the simple process of physical participation ensuring that the physical reality becomes the primary consideration, as the source of all live of all beings on earth

Thought

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that since I was so lucky to find Desteni I will be magically elevated into a special place beyond the boredom of common existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that now I will learn how to enter dimensions and so become a special being with special powers where I will be able to influence all the beings in my world to join in me on this journey to life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss myself within my ideas and projections about who I want to be and become

I commit myself to walk the process within realization that everything exists within me and that it’s here from where I create the outer reality of this world and thus I place all my attention into my inner experiences ensuring that I walk the process of self-purification understanding how the process of creation operates and how to direct myself from the new starting point ensuring that all my creation considers all live equally

 

Imagination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself becoming an extraordinary human being that is able to take on anything and anyone in this world and this reality without any understanding of what it actually means and what are the practical steps that need to be walked to become a voice in this system that we all have created without any understanding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my imagination was coming from the unwillingness to actually look at myself as the extreme limitation that I have allowed myself to exist in and as and thus I was for a moment escaping into the imaginary world to feel better/superior to myself as who I have become

I commit myself to stop imagination and see myself for who I am and thus become friends with myself and walk with myself hand in hand towards self-perfection which means becoming a real living being existing in real reality instead of the alternate mind reality regardless of how beautiful alternate reality looks like – it’s still imagination and fantasy thus not real and will not stand in the face of actual reality which at the moment is not beautiful – yet I am willing to see it and take responsibility for it within understanding that I played my part in creation and have to stop this play and so become real

 

Day 92: “I give up” character – continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create “I give up character” as a safety valve that “protects” me from facing any type of conflict within my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my goodness and innocence and thus utilizing “I give up character” I keep running away from all the perceived badness that I face within and without never realizing that I am running away, denying, and resisting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the evil part of myself and within this separation create “I give up character” to further hide within the perception that I am a benevolent being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate my thoughts and backchat that comes up whenever I am faced with a conflict situation in my world but instead fall back into my “I give up” character where I justify my righteousness and move away from the situation/environment just to not face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I justify my innocence within all conflict situations I am not taking into account all the dimensions of the event but only filter the situation through my limited perception as a character so that I could come out as a winner

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself in admitting my faults and finding within that a way to correct myself until I can stand stable and see all the dimensions within all situations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I exist in judgment towards the evil within and without and thus I am not able to communicate openly about it and direct it as myself towards a solution that would benefit all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally where I create energetic reactions as feelings and emotions and within that I do not see situations as they really are where within that I chose the easy way out as “I give up” character where I can simply flee the whole scene and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have to face myself or I will keep making time loops as I have always done where I keep arriving at the exact same point over and over again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy playing a victim within conflict situations where during this experience I shut down my mind and go into the back of my body taking myself to the point into the solar plexus where I can experience a form of stability just waiting for the events to pass so that I could later step into “I give up” character and say goodbye to those whom I blame for the situation again missing the point of self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within all of that I am simply manipulating myself creating excuses, reasons and justifications to not face myself directly

 

I commit myself to realize that giving up on myself is not an option because I will face myself either way in this life or the afterlife and thus I commit myself to gently push myself to develop the strength within myself to face what I have become

I commit myself stop separating myself into characters of my choice where I make sure that I do not face the evil parts of myself and thus I commit myself to realize that whatever I face in this world is me and thus i have to stand equal to all parts of myself and direct it towards a solution that is best for all

I commit myself to self-honestly investigate my thoughts and backchat whenever I am faced with a conflict situation where I will see that I am actually the creator and equal participant within all events

I commit myself to stop playing the game of winners and loser where within all conflict situation I try to come out as a winner, looking for clues and reasons to support my righteousness so I commit myself to see and realize that I am always a loser when I separate myself from what is here as the totality of myself

I commit myself to take time and self-honestly investigate the conflict situations that i participate  so that I would understand all the dimensions of the event and thus be able to come with a solution that is best for all

I commit myself stop all judgment towards the evil within me where I no longer take things personally but realize that the only way to change and correct myself is if I see myself in absolute clarity where no thought, emotions or feeling exists

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Day 27: Testing Day 26

Continuing on the pattern of facing conflict. So as I opened the point yesterday and applied self-forgiveness and self-corrective application I was already more or less aware how I participate within this construct and what are the main components that constitute this pattern. Today I had an opportunity to test myself and see how I will handle my usual conflict situation. So having done this little self-investigation I basically knew where to place red flags when walking through it. I could see today that I was cycling over and over through the same pattern of behavior when having a conflict. It would always start with something little where I would do something to cause a reaction within another – then, taking the reaction personally, no matter how hard I would convince myself that it is not personal and that I should just move on, I would shut down within myself and slowly sink into my thoughts rethinking over and over that one point where the conflict bursted. In the end I would become resistant to communicate to people and through that I would cause more suppression and basically perpetuate the problem into something big within myself where I would even manifest that by acting with confusion and unawareness thus making more mistakes and thus causing more reactions as layers on the first one that I haven’t dealt with. That would last for some time until the energy runs out and I am again able to communicate normally.

So today after I caused the reaction and the cycle was about to spin out of control I walked away alone for a minute from all the people involved and I applied self-forgiveness aloud. Even though I haven’t scripted this behavior within my corrective statements I found that it’s the thing to do and actually very supportive. When I started speaking to myself I began to see the points of how I was acting, what I was doing, my expectations, blame, anger, self-judgments. Within that I could feel how I was unburdening myself from this weight of thoughts and emotions that I was so immersed within. So in this way I managed to return from the dead so to speak. And immediately after I was done I returned to my usual work environment and faced the people in it. I remember when I just opened the door and walked in – one of the guys said: “oh you’re alive”. I laughed and after a moment realized that yes he is right I made a decision to not go through with my self-programmed behavior pattern and better direct myself out of it – so yes being self-directive means to be alive as opposed to existing in an automated state of mind.

The whole chain of events that went from there was not easy because I felt really disorientated as I could see how the consequence of that initial moment was still paying out and it seemed that all the events happening were placed to break me into the old pattern – so I really had to be aware and focused in each moment and stand within myself in each moment making the decision to not give up. So it was really amazing at the end of the day to see that I didn’t break and didn’t give in into my usual way of “living”. Of course I realize that this one instant doesn’t mean yet that it’s done and I am over with dealing with this pattern that I relived so many times in my life. Perhaps it will take as many times to go through it within self-directive manner as it took to program myself in the destructive way. At least I was able to prove to myself that I am able to push myself and get it done.

One thing I still I noticed  that I didn’t enjoy was that within pushing myself to communicate with people I would often compromise myself by saying stupid things that I knew they expected from me. Here I mean the usual responses of how people communicate. So it’s like I directed myself out of the usual pattern of behavior but I didn’t direct it in a way that is best for all. Although when I look at it from another angle – I equalized myself with the environment which is the first step where the second is to then find ways how to direct it. So I am basically just within the first step where I stabilize myself in stopping my emotional cycles. From there, without being energy possessed I will be much more able to see my environment as it really is where then I can start looking into new directions of how to become the best I can be in relation to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment and that I will not be able to stand stable indefinitely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea that constant awareness of self is very difficult and tiring where within that I want to give into my mind and relax within it giving it all the power to act for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a fuckup that will cause me to go back into my old pattern of behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past is stronger than my ability to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change as it bring with it a lot self-responsibility that I believe I am not ready to handle

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my old life sucks and thus I to really push myself to change and expand myself no matter how difficult it gets

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that if I resist change I will simply spin endlessly in the same cycles of behavior getting nowhere and that who I am now is just a mind consciousness system robot fully supporting the system through existing in thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus supporting all that this system stands for as greed, abuse, violence, etc. thus I realize that I am responsible not only for myself but for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have a choice whether to change or not which is like choosing between life and death – surely I want to life, because I can see that me as well as all humans have the potential for so much more than we currently exist as this limited and greedy existence

I commit myself to keep standing within myself where I do not allow my mind to direct me and scare me from change that I know I am capable of

I commit myself to stop all my emotional and feeling cycles where I become a stable being that can see and act in ways that is best for all

I commit myself to stop all fear when facing my new self that I write daily into existence

I commit to change and through that change show others that change is possible and through that change we can actually become much more than we currently believe we are

I commit to never stop writing, investigating and correcting myself until I am satisfied with who I am and what this world is – where all live equally happy lives

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Day 1: Making Decision In Spite Of Resistances

I have come to the point where I see that until now I haven’t been really supporting myself effectively in freeing myself from all that is limiting and holding me in my mind where each day I participate in the same bullshit over and over again. I can see myself repeating endlessly the same patterns never committing myself to sit down with myself and write in specificity what I am experiencing and how can I release myself from these bondages. I have tried many times to force myself to start writing whatever I experience during the day and thus make sense of it where I would see black on white what is actually happening. But so far shortly after I would make this commitment I would fall finding numerous justifications to quit and wait some more. I knew however that the day must come when this bullshit has to stop.

Here within this blog I am making a new commitment by which I will stand and walk through all the resistances as what I have become that will come my way trying to steal the opportunity to finally understand who I am as the mind system robot. Yes I can see that I am actually a robot walking through the day with minimum awareness performing most of the task automatically where sometimes I am not even able to recall what I have done just a moment ago. And that I notice is happening more and more often – so it’s actually a perfect time to start writing and becoming aware of my days that are here and which I have been missing.

There are so many points in my reality that I must deal with and with me not taking responsibility for them they are accumulating and layering within me day by day. So literally there is no better time to do it as to do it right now before I reach a line where I will not be able to see a way out.

So today I am starting a process of writing myself daily for at least 7 years where I will take time to sit down with myself and begin to investigate who I am and how I create reality around me throughout my daily participation, what are major patterns within which I participate and how all that is influencing everyone else in my world and many other points that are relevant for my process.

Day 1

This day I want to look at my decision that I have just made and clear up the resistances I have about writing. I have created within me quite a few ideas about writing and how difficult it is. There is also a lot of comparisons, self-judgments, doubts when it comes to writing. I see other people’s blogs and I see how good they have become through constant application of writing themselves – I find myself unable to stand equal to those writings where I put myself as inferior to them and thus suppressing and doubting myself even more within these self-judgments and fears going deeper and deeper into where I don’t really want to go, so…..

I forgive myself that I haven’t given myself the opportunity to write without comparing my writings to other people’s writings where I would simply start with myself as who I am as my abilities and skills of writing and thus give myself a chance to grow in this process

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the process of self-perfection begins here as who I am right now with all my shit that I exist in and as and not from the point where I am already perfect and faultless – Self-perfection in itself implies that I am not perfect thus I allow myself to not be perfect and walk into perfection without self-judgment

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to exist in hope that things will change by themselves and I will suddenly change and become a new being I have imagined myself to be without walking the actual physical road of self-development through constant and consistent self-application

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I don’t have what it takes to walk my process in absolute constancy and consistency where I believe that I am a subject to external influences that must happen in order for me to start writing and applying myself

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to wait for something bad to happen before I would start writing myself where I correct my reality back to stability instead of writing myself consistently as self-directive movement, meaning that I must be the one to make the decision to write and not outside forces

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed myself to judge my writing and self-forgiveness where I always fear that I am missing something instead of realizing that whatever is missing I will find within writing myself out consistently  where I will perfect myself within learning to see what is here

When and as I see myself participating within thoughts of self-judgment and fear of writing points from my daily reality as I how I see them I Stop – I allow myself to make mistakes and learn from them where I correct myself within realization that this is the only way to learn and grow

Instead of constantly comparing my writing to other people’s writing I look at what I can learn from them, where am I still separate within the abilities and how can I become equal to them

Artwork byAnna Brix Thomsen