Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am

 

Norvz-Austria-Makes-Time-Stand-StillThis comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.

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Day 157: Physical dimension – playing with fingers

This blog is continuation in the series where I take the point of studying as well as approaching any other tasks/assignments in my reality. My initial blog as overview is here: “Day 148: I have never been a good student. Is it too late?”

Here I am continuing with the physical dimension where my thoughts, inner conversations, reactions bring me to the point of physical experiences/actions that I fall into without much awareness. Today I am looking at a distraction that I allow myself to be occupied with – that is playing with my fingers

 

Physical Behavior

Playing with my fingers

This behavior has been around for years already where in moments I just start playing with my fingers without any actual understanding how and why I do it. It happens in various situations: when I am bored, watching a movie, doing tasks/assignments etc. I really enjoy doing this where I put the tips of the fingers of both hands together and just experience the sensation of touching. Seems harmless but within the I can see that mostly it is some type of escape mechanism that I utilize and that is especially obvious in moments when I am doing some tasks where very suddenly I just “back up” within me and start this play forgetting for a moment about the task. Still somehow within me I manage to justify that this moment of “backing up” is an action of looking at the point that is within my task, yet that is not true because I get completely lost in this sensation and usually I find it quite challenging to stop it and get back to the task.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the act of playing with my fingers with positive energetic charge where within that whenever I go into a negative experience while doing my tasks/assignments I immediately start playing with my fingers thus not dealing with my negative experiences that I connected to doing my tasks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the act of playing with my fingers as nothing wrong because all I do is enjoying the touch of my fingers while in self honesty I can see how this action distracts me completely from the task/assignment I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this pattern for years where it became an addiction and a normal thing that I do without questioning it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this act by saying to myself that I am in this moment looking at the point within task/assignment when in self-honesty it is obvious that I become blank in that moment without any supportive outcome but only a lost moment and distraction from which it becomes rather difficult to return to the task/assignment I was doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am using the act of playing with my fingers to escape from what I am experiencing within me while doing my task/assignment

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop myself in the moment when the urge comes to play with my fingers and investigate what it is exactly I am resisting to face within my task/assignment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of using my fingers for typing/doing tasks use them for self-indulgence into the positive experience I get while playing with them

 

I commit myself to within moments of urge to distract myself from the task/assignment stop myself, breathe, slow down and within that see what happened in the moment where the urge appeared, what resistances, fears, desires I have that keep me away from doing my practical responsibilities/commitments

I commit myself to establish within me self-trust of knowing that when I start with some task/assignment I will move through with it until it is done and whatever distraction arise in the moment I just stop and realize that I have the power to direct myself away from these distractions and finish the task/assignment no matter what

I commit myself to realize that taking my power back from the automated mind possession will be a process that will require consistency and patience because throughout my life I have allowed the mind to develop into huge power controlling most of my actions

I commit myself to within the process of change utilize breathing application whenever the mind throws its tantrums trying to reestablish old patterns of behavior realizing that I can walk through any chaos with this simplistic tool of breathing and remaining here no matter what

I commit myself to become physical practical being utilizing the time here on earth to work with real physical tools and structures instead of creating the castles in the sky in my mind alternate reality

 

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Day 63: I can’t Hear when I am not Here

I have just read a very cool blog “Day 34 – Breath is the Secret to Listening”. I could very much relate to this point because I am still facing that extensively in my reality where I have this issue, quite literally, of not being able to hear what others are saying. This limitation significantly impedes my participation in every day interactions where I have to keep asking people to repeat what they said two or three times before I can understand their words. I noticed this first by watching movies where many times I have to rewind the scenes to understand the words. And I don’t have any hearing problems, meaning a disability to hear words loud, no, it’s just that I don’t get the clarity and can’t distinguish the words clearly. So it’s been quite a problem for many years now, yet as a “solution” what I learned to do when communicating with different people is that I just nod my head and say yes when I do not understand what another is saying so that I can move on to the next moment where hopefully I will get it this time. So within this I have said YES many many times to the things I have no clue about. I also get into many uncomfortable situations where sometimes after nodding on the occasional statement which I haven’t understood a person continues within the same lines where now I have to pretend and look for a way out of the situation. So basically it’s a very shitty experience and I mean I have seen the stupidity of this kind of communication and tried to listen more carefully and just ask for people to repeat whenever I do not understand something, yet still it’s here and still this point creates a lot of self-judgment within.

I was even born with bigger ears than what is considered a usual size standard of human ears and yet my locators fail to catch properly the signals coming out from others. Now when I look at the point and specifically at the word HEAR it is very similar to the word HERE. So from what I see looking back at my interactions with people where I was unable to hear them I can see that within all these moments I wasn’t really HERE, I was usually somewhere out THERE in my mind, floating in my thoughts whether contemplating some issue, or fantasizing, daydreaming, or doing something else, but I wasn’t here fully with my presence. So it makes sense that the first time when somebody tells me something that initially serves only as a wakeup call where I stop my mind activity and only now I am ready to receive the message, thus I have to ask to repeat what was said. Here then I try to listen really hard what another is saying were I put all my tension trying to focus on the clarity of words spoken where again many times I miss the whole context of the message.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate extensively in my thoughts where I separate myself from my physical immediate environment thus becoming like a living zombie existing in the alternate reality of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mind reality is in any way more important that being here with my body in my immediate environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and become more aware of my environment by trying to understand it through my mind not realizing that my mind gives me only one dimensional view where I miss the whole picture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that existing in my mind I keep interpreting and viewing things I my own way which is very limited thus when somebody speaks something that does not closely resemble my own thoughts I am unable to quickly grasp the message and need time to adjust to the information

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to utilize breathing as a tool to remain here in my physical environment not allowing myself to drift away into my thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any thinking process can exist only in polarity as energetic experience where I am sorting and categorizing all the information to create certain outcomes – Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only outcome I am in search for is positive experiences where I am  always trying to win, be better, be more – thus all that I am doing in the mind and thinking is I am boosting my ego and separating myself further and further from HERE as my immediate physical space

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not existing in and as my thoughts because of the perception that this is my “safe haven” while in reality it’s only the cage where I keep myself as a slave

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so used to my thinking process that I don’t even question my thoughts and the decisions I make based on these thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fully trust my thoughts because it is the only way I ever knew how to exist thus stopping my thoughts seems like dying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that who I am as the limited existence of the mind based on separation, greed and self-interest has to stop so that silence could be born where I as life can emerge and become the living body in service of life

I commit myself to remind myself as many times as I possibly can throughout the day to remain here in and as my breathing so that my thoughts would loosen the grip that it currently has on me

I commit myself to practice listening to people, audio interviews etc. with a clear mind where I do not allow the mind to use the information for the purposes of boosting its existence

For more specific information regarding this point please listen to this amazing interview

What is the consequence of interpreting existence within only One Dimension of the Mind? How has existence been interpreted within only One Dimension of the Mind? What or Who has been missed within this existence with existing within only One Dimension of the Mind? Why can’t Human-Beings Hear/See Equality and Oneness? What is the relationship between Hearing and being Here? What does it mean to be Here Hearing? Why is Breath the answer to Life? What is Breath really within the context of our multi-dimensional processes within the Mind and the Physical of Existence? All these questions and more are answered within this Interview.