Day 298: Depression and Hopelessness

89740033-1Reading the news about world affairs, watching documentaries related to the extent of abuse happening globally it’s not difficult to become somewhat emotional and slip into a negative mind state where it seems that there is no possible solution to the mess that is here. I catch myself going into a state of indifference and hopelessness. This in turn starts manifesting within all my actions and my behavior and after a short while my reality also stops moving until I allow myself to remain in that state of mind.

I the past I would always allow that negativity within me to build and accumulate to a very high degree from where I would go into all kinds of self-sabotaging behavior patterns until I reach the rock bottom and then I have to start all over again.

It’s amazing how in the beginning there is this one small moment of resistance that requires a relatively small push to move oneself through that negativity into action and then how this resistance, if not confronted, grows and spreads like a virus taking into possession the whole body and mind until I get to a state where I just sit in front of the computer absolutely blank and all my attempts to study or read or write something amount to nothing. One thing that can definitely be observed in all of this is the speed of mind, the thoughts and the reactions as well as physical movements which are rapid and hasty. There is usually some big thoughts, as imagination, running in my mind of all the things I should do, the future I should aim to create. Yet none of that is realistic for the current moment that I am in because I what I need now is the next best step to get myself out of the possession.

Now, the solution that seems to be effective is to begin a new day from a scratch where I plan the day’s activities, also if possible getting some assistance from a friend who can be supportive within those activities. If there is no one around that’s fine also as long as I move myself to act and do the things I have planned for myself. In planning the day I simply look around at what needs my attention, for example I have been putting off the need to sort the little things about my car because I can see how these little things left undone keep lingering in the mind as a reminder of what has to be done. So I am sure most people have these small things accumulated in their minds that are placed into the compartment of postponement deemed as not so necessary, because, I mean “there are much bigger problems in the world that need attention”.

Having started with all the little things the movement comes back and here it’s important to nurture and continue with that movement and so get to other things without allowing the possession to return back again. I mean, having allowed this indifference for a while has manifested the consequence and it will require some pushing to do to get out of it, there is probably no way around it. Here I basically stand with a decision that I make within myself – to go on with living and search for solutions. First the solutions on a personal level and then expand further and see where else I can participate and thus contribute to change. I mean there are so many ways that one can direct ones energy towards change that it’s absolutely unacceptable to go into that state of hopelessness. Especially when there are all the means available to do that. In today’s world where the one that has the access to the internet, access to the clean water and has a roof over the head is the one that must take responsibility and use those means to contribute to a change, especially when there are so many of us that are completely abandoned and live on the outskirts of the system trying to survive on a daily basis. Yes the world system doesn’t make sense in many ways, the corruption and self-interest if sky high, still there is nothing else to do but to search for solutions instead of giving up or living the lie.

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Day 261: Resistance to do the Real Investigation

Today reading and doing some research I see how I am allowing myself to get into things superficially without going deeper to find the real underlying information that is the actual design of everything. That is mostly due to a busy mind that keeps jumping from point A to point B in a racy manner. I liked the Osho when he explained once that instead going from A to B we should try and go A; A1; A2… so it’s like taking the point and understanding it for real into the depth of it until we get to another point.

So when the mind gets out of control and won’t stop racing i found for myself that it’s cool to start observing it at night when lying down for a night’s sleep, when I close my eyes I do the assessment of what is happening within me. Sometimes it’s like a 100 movies playing at once, too overwhelming and one can feel hopeless in attempting to stop the show, yet the key is to realize that these thoughts are not me, I am the awareness observing these thoughts and thoughts have the power only through my allowance and acceptance of them as myself. Breathing and remaining here with the physical touch is amazingly supportive in these moments where eventually the thoughts start to quiet down and some silence descends. Yes it feels like descending, coming back to earth from endless imaginative, opinionated dimensions of consciousness

So the point is bringing Self back Here in each moment to face reality as it is, without interpretation and the system of filtering where our filters are the knowledge and information passed to us from our parents and programmed further by our mentors. I mean I see it on myself, all that stuff I have learned throughout my life is just a baggage which hinders me, makes me absolutely ineffective to deal with my life. The older I grew the more stuff I was learning and the further away I felt I am going from that which matters. Nowhere in the education system or at home or anywhere else I was taught how to deal effectively with the challenges I faced later in life. I was taught only the theory of life which is presented as somebody wants it to be but not what exists practically for real. Nobody wants to talk about the underlying factors that truly control this existence, I mean all the nasty stuff that is here in the minds, the thoughts of each human being which DO direct the decisions and events. So that, kind of, explains the “natural” resistance that appears when starting to go deeper and doing the real, practical research on how this world and how my mind in relation to the world really works.

The natural tendency is just to accept the existing data without questioning it, like I was taught in school, where any paper should only be a collection of already existing sources and preferably the ones that are accepted as truth by the public authority. Critical thinking somehow didn’t have space in it all, a child is never considered of, maybe, having his own ability to see the common sense and contribute as equal to the process of education.

So it’s like you are born whole into this world and then slowly but surely through all these processes you are diminished and molded into some limited personality completely dependent on all the information that you have been exposed to and programmed as. I mean One of the first things I was told when I started to understand people around me was that I was born in sin and now I am a lesser being and this was the foundation upon which I was building my life. So from the very beginning I was denied the opportunity to stand as equal to everything else here.

The saddest part is that all of this is allowed to continue and nobody seems to noticed the consequences that are already in our face. I mean just today I have been invited to attend another baptizing event within my family to which I had to politely say NO by stating that I do not allow the repetition of the same mistakes that was done unto me. I do not support the old ways that are proved to be ineffective and absolutely destructive to all life. How about investigating, slowing down the mind and doing the damn research A; A1; A2… and so understanding what are we actually accepting and allowing within each point of our living and what the consequences of this are.

A Prayer for Humanity

 

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