Day 300: Living the Word CARE

Care_MONOI was focused on this Word for some time now and it took me a while to start understanding how to start incorporating it into my own living. I was observing people in my immediate environment to see how they live this word and surely I found some good examples of moments when the word care was lived. From what I observed such moments are mostly expressed within the parent and child relationship, but not always of course, as we know that parenting is not an easy thing and there are many challenging moments in this relationship. Still I have seen so many moments where parents go out of their way to care/tend for their children. Especially when the child is still a baby and needs all the attention all the time. I once was asked to tend to a small baby for a few hours and that was more than enough for me showing again that being a mother is a tremendous job and probably the best school to learn what it means to care for another. In that relationship your personal wants and needs come last after making sure that the baby is fully taken care of. This takes away a lot of what we call “freedom” to do the things to which one was used to throughout their life and that requires a big change and adjustment.

So these where the best examples of what it means to care about and for others, yet I needed something more practical for myself because I wanted to apply this word in my own world with the people I meet on daily basis. I found soon that one important thing to do was to learn to really listen. This is not as easy as it sounds because the mind chatter, the constant self-absorption in my own thoughts was prominent and required a process of learning to slow down within myself which I am still busy with by constantly reminding myself throughout the day to do that. I even asked a few of my friends to assist me by reminding me and use the words “slow down” whenever they see I am getting into a rushing mind state. That works pretty well and we have a frequent laugh about it.

So this brings me one step closer to being able to live the word care and I could definitely notice the difference in my interactions which became much more enjoyable. I became much less judgmental towards people because I could hear and see them better, I started getting small glimpses into who they are and where they come from and essentially why they are the way they are. And I mean people also respond better when a guy next to them is not lost somewhere in his own mind thinking but is able to participate in the conversation with some sense.

Another interesting point I have seen during this time is how CARE must be practiced and applied with awareness in various situations because there are certain moments to which we are so used of doing them in a certain way that we don’t even consider placing/incorporating CARE into them. Let me give an example: I went with a group of friends to play some basketball and as per usual we got ourselves into different teams and began this competitive game. Most of the guys that played there I have never met before and it’s also been a while since I last played which made me put some extra effort into the game. I noticed that the friend I came with was not a good player which made me feel good knowing that I am not the worst player there. Once the game started my friend struggled a lot with his play because, as we have found later, he judged himself to the extreme for being unable to participate with others equally and where in the end he has hurt his finger pretty badly with a ball which, as we realized later as well, was his own creation in order to, by any means, escape this uncomfortable experience. Now you see how many times I have used the word later because during the game I was not consciously aware of any of this and only by looking back I was able to see my absolute self-absorption into my own performance disregarding everything and everyone else. I means it was a competitive game and thus it seems there is no place for CARE in it. This was a good lesson and I am glad that my friend managed to open this point of intense anger and self-judgment towards himself in relation to the game, which I presume assisted his body to deal more effectively with the trauma that he experienced. Still prevention is of course much better way to go and could have been achieved if the word CARE was incorporated into those competitive games as a principle from the very beginning.

So it’s definitely a process to take a word and learn to live it in a variety of situations and also on all LEVELS, because if we take the word CARE it’s much easier to live it towards our loved ones whom we know more intimately, yet when it comes to those far away we are no longer able to relate or connect in any way, yet all our actions and decisions on individual and collective level ripples around the globe and creates the reality that we know. It’s rather obvious that our creation needs some adjustment so let’s do it word by word to make a better world.


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Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am


Norvz-Austria-Makes-Time-Stand-StillThis comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.


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Day 33: What are you doing with your life?

Recently I was asked “What are you doing with your life?” So I have been sitting for a while having some difficulty to respond, not knowing how to approach that question. And I mean so far the only answer I was able to find for this kind of hesitation is simply to starting to write. Easy.

So what I am doing with my life? First of all I don’t know what life is because I have seen in the last years, upon close self-observation, that I have never lived. I have seen that the way I exist is simply patterns of behavior that I repeat over and over again. I have seen my limitations and my fear to break from them and how much I hold on to that which I know to be me. I have seen that most of my actions are automatically learned responses imprinted since childhood which act on my behalf while in the meantime I am nowhere to be found. Still I manage to catch myself in moments and stop myself and become more aware of what I am actually doing and where I am participating within my reality – bringing myself back to reality so to speak. That means that I am bringing myself back to the physical reality out of the mind reality. In my mind there is alternate reality that I exist in and as which is mostly secret reality that I hide from others and where I hold my believes, thoughts, ideas, judgments about other people, anger towards other people, spitefulness towards them etc. And then within that I can see that other people exist in the same way – where what we present to each other doesn’t match at all what is inside of us. So “life” is lived as a bipolar disorder – life is really sick. Thus what I am doing with my life? Is that I am trying to heal it.

Then another question relevant to ask here is “what is the cure for this disease?” I mean we as human have tried many methods to solve our problems, yet so far we failed miserably. Love didn’t work, positivity made things much worse, free choice allowed to freely abuse the world etc. And so I have also tried my ways to escape myself but each time I was brought down to my knees to seek another way. And so I went like that deducting all my possibilities until finally only one option remains and, which, I realize now is the only way to heal myself and this reality – first of all is of course admitting to myself that I am actually very sick, I mean we heard that a lot from different specialists, especially in cases of addictions where the first step in curing the addiction is admitting that we are addicted. So we have to admit that this world is in a very bad condition and that we are far from doing well in ourselves as well. I mean this world simply speaking is a reflection of how we exist inside of us. And if there exist a believe that “my life has nothing to do with the world around me” I mean it’s just a temporary hallucination that will be healed in time when time will prove otherwise. So after we have these realizations settled, the next step towards the cure is the realization that the disease has to be brought to attention, has to be exposed in all its “beauty”. Within this I find myself still very reluctant to really look at it as it is so fucking very nasty that it takes real courage to finally do it. And I am in the process of training myself to look at all of me without judgment as it is the condition that gives access to more and more nastiness to be revealed. Gladly I have tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application that I utilize and thus work on myself slowly but surely getting to know more and more of myself. It’s not easy and I can see that I have barely started my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it’s the end of the “road” where all solutions and escape mechanism have been tried and what’s remaining is actual facing of self within all aspects of self where within that I really tried to deny the “bad” parts of me trying to ignore them and thus remove from my existence not realizing that they were always here and they were just growing and flourishing because of my denial

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I grow and project myself only as positivity my negative will be conquered – which is as stupid as participating in charities within the believe that it will remove poverty without realizing that the problem is at the fundamental level where we live within the believe that we are separate from each other – thus equalization of self to all parts of existence within realization that we ARE actually one and equal to everything and everyone is the only valid answer to our problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from everything and everyone else and that my actions somehow have no effect on the whole where within that I believe in my free choice and my right to personal happiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my life on useless attempts to make my life all right by remaining positive and trying to balance my thoughts, feelings and emotions without realizing that the polar mind itself is a problem and can never remain stable in one place but has to constantly move from positive to negative thus keeping this whole abusive system in place

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond the mind reality as it is the only thing I have ever known and so I have put all my trust into it never questioning who I am without it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I fear losing my mind as all the relationships that I have created, categorized, defined to/towards other parts of existence where I believe that by losing these relationships I will lose myself without realizing that these relationships are in fact limiting me from the realization that I am one and equal to all that is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose my individuality if I will realize my equality and oneness with everything and everyone not realizing that this is only expansion of my individuality that will include everything and everyone

Thus I commit myself to live my life in a way where I let go of my personal self-interest and start considering everything and everyone within realization that who I am now is just my accepted and allowed separation which I have the ability to stop and within that I expand myself through my actions that prove my consideration and caring for all as myself

I commit myself to stop all believes that somehow my personal life is special and more important than any other life on this earth within realization that this is simply delusional

I commit myself to  expose the destructiveness of the believe in free choice and the idea of “my life” by showing that it is exactly what caused all the problems in this world thus we must bring all “my live’s” back together into LIFE

Other suggest readings:

Day 30: The Decision

Day 27: It’s always only been me

Day 12 – What is Real Love

Very Supportive Interviews:

Day 13: Living The Knowledge


So I noticed that throughout my life all I did was gathering knowledge and very rarely applying it in my reality. Most of the time throughout my world I kept things for myself just being an observer of reality rather than active participant. I would only share myself with few closest friends and otherwise just be the normal silent me. What that did was that I have internalized the conversation in my head thus developing quite complicated mind network where I can and do get lost sometimes.

Within Desteni there is a saying – Knowledge without application is useless – and that is very true when I look at myself where I gathered extensive knowledge about the functionality of the system and humanity but I did not apply this knowledge in real life – I wasn’t even writing it out where I could actually internalize that knowledge and make it clear for myself where I put all this knowledge in my own words as a statement of actual understanding and where from there I would change and live that knowledge as myself testing it in the real physical world seeing whether it works or not. Instead I accumulated knowledge from different books and articles and eventually I got lost in it not being able to actually be clear on any point or issue because this knowledge wasn’t mine but borrowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gather knowledge from external sources placing all trust in it and not critically investigating it where I would practically test it and see if it’s real or not

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself and my common sense but I placed all value in knowledge of others assuming that it is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the knowledge that I liked from the perspective that it sounded good but was actually detrimental to humanity so much that I would convince my friends of its validity so completely that they stood one and equal with me defending it even though it was never real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for influencing other people and their worldview through “selling” them the false information without realizing that they have made the choice themselves as I wouldn’t be able to really influence them if they haven’t have had the inclination towards this type knowledge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to save and change those whom I have mislead even though they refuse to hear me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that there is only so much i can do if people are stubborn and refuse to listen to the common sense that is presented to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must be a savior where within that I actually go and try to convince them of my truth yet doing it all from the starting point of knowledge that I do not yet life as myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that when I am trying to convince someone to apply something that myself yet haven’t applying is me trying to push myself into action by first making others do it within the believe that i will follow

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be the follower existing in fear to make my own decisions and change alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone where I try and take others with me in making them actually to apply the knowledge I am presenting first as if to see if it is safe for me to go as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a coward hiding behind the backs of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking complete responsibility for my actions where I push others to make the decision first and see if that worked and if it is safe for me to go as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep waiting for all to change before I change instead of standing first in the line and making the decision to change especially after I have seen in common sense that the change is urgent, necessary and inevitable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for manifested consequences as some shit that will force me to change

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself that I can change myself without any confirmations and appraisal from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when I am close to change where within that I go back to the safety of my old self and where I live in regret for not taking the opportunity to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to make the jump within realization that the jump is not really necessary but what is necessary is the construction and design of the bridge across which I could walk in absolute certainty – the bridge is the process of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and self-corrective application

Here i commit myself to become a designer of bridges and junctions that lead me from the mind consciousness system where i exist as thoughts/ feelings/emotions into the mindless state where I am one and equal to the physical realty from which I come from

I commit myself to walk slowly with total self-trust that this is what has to be done even tough I have no idea what is ahead of me – all I know is that I cannot remain where i am right now as this place is falling apart. I also realize that through walking myself out of the mind I will become much more functional human being that is not led astray by feelings and emotion and thus I will have a chance to play a part in reducing at least some suffering that I see this world is about to enter and is actually already in

I commit myself to move myself slowly but with consistency never allowing the mind to hold me back within realization that time is short and no moment can be wasted – so I wake up every morning with the breath that brings me the realization that is another day where I have to make a difference and change myself, to make each day so that in the evening I would go to bed being calm knowing that this day was not wasted in trivial matters

I commit myself to keep myself awake until I am clear within myself where I do not leave any luggage for tomorrow as I know within myself that getting up in the morning with luggage is very hard and thus I make this journey for myself as painless as possible

I realize that some discomfort and pain within this process is inevitable because of the extreme bullshit that we have allowed and accepted through many years in participating in this abusive system – where we disregarded completely the physical reality by fucking it as hard as possible to get energy to fuel our mind bubbles – thus I realize that earth, as clearly seen by my physical eyes, is in pain and when I go out of my mind equalizing to the physical I will feel the pain that the earth feels – and I will use this pain as fire to drive me even more harder towards working on the practical solutions – like Equal Money where we can stop the abuse and start healing this physical reality/our bodies that we neglected for so long in the name of energy

Artwork By Ann Van Den Broeck