Day 296: Porn addict

240920814_5e03d0ea0f_zFirst step in healing yourself from this addiction, like any other, is of course recognizing that it is actually a problem. Still I am meeting a lot of people that are missing this simple realization even though addiction is already having a significant affect in their lives.

So I had this interesting experience with one guy who was in such a position where the awareness of pornography addiction possibly being a problem was nonexistent. This then became an interesting instance to explore where I tried to see into his mind and understand a little better why pornography is so well protected and not questioned. I had one week to spend with the person which gave me ample time to get to know him better. It is crucial, I found, to have no judgment towards any form of this addiction, whether you are still participating in pornography yourself or it is your loved one that that is lost in this wonderland or anyone else for that matter. Because the interesting thing about judgment is that it shuts all the doors into having access to deeper levels of, we can call it a pornography system that is operating in the mind. To have more detailed explanation how pornography/fantasy reality is interconnected and intertwined in the physical body and mind I strongly suggest watching these interviews to, at least, get basic understanding about how it all functions.

So with this starting point in me that I will not judge whatever I hear or see I started bringing up the topic of pornography in the conversations with the guy. In the beginning when trying, in one way or another, to suggest the negative effects of pornography I would get from him only a crossed face with a smug smile towards me. In other words the protection mechanisms in the mind were fulfilling their duty very well.

Then one day ‘the devil’ came out. While we were interacting I gave to him my phone showing some picture on some topic we were discussing. Just a moment later seeing the opportunity he immediately accessed the pictures on my phone looking for something, well by that time I knew more or less about how his pornography addiction functions, meaning where he is collecting, absorbing anything and everything from his reality that could serve as pornographic material to enhance/feed his fantasies. So, on my phone he accessed my pictures that I had and even the ones that were already deleted. And even though there was nothing sexual in nature within these picture I could see him changing very rapidly in his behavior where, especially, his eyes were lighting up with extreme intensity. At that moment I reacted a bit and took away my phone from him where in this he became even more exited and almost started begging me to give him my phone so he could see the rest of the pictures. His behavior was very intense and I was taken aback for a while where I got a bit uncomfortable in not knowing how to deal with the situation. After a moment I pointed out to him the possession that he is and how extremely it’s taking over him. Moment later he came back to his senses where I then asked him if he still cannot see the problem. He, again, gave me a smile but this time there was some concern noticeable in his posture.

After this event we could already open a bit more on this topic and we had some cool discussions on the addictive nature of pornography. He said that it’s like a drug which meant that he finally agreed that there is an addiction within him. We spoke on the effects of pornography and the tight hold it can have on you if you continue to participate without giving it a second thought.

On our last interaction when we were sitting alone in the room I asked him looking straight in his eyes “have you never considered changing yourself?” his response was no and from the rest of the conversation it was rather obvious that he is not yet seriously considering that this change is necessary. And I have observed this in many people before, that until the reality is relatively functional there is unwillingness to take self-responsibility for one’s actions and it is thus likely that there is a need to travel down the road of harsh consequences before seriously considering change.

So when I am viewing these types of addictions and when I am trying to reason with others I usually note that we have and we live in a big universe where so many things are happening and so many things are possible if only we started realizing our potential, but yet we choose a tiny wormhole as our fantasy realities and we remain stuck in it, completely discarding what’s out there to be learned and discovered in the real world. The addiction really limits us to such an extent where we become only a handful of thoughts spinning in the mind over and over suffocating the life out of us. We compromise our relationships with the people around us, we lose focus on our personal goals and objectives, we become ignorant to the issues that concern our community, our country, and we no longer see the state of this world and what is required to be done for this earth to survive and thrive so it could sustain us as well as the generations to come.

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Day 31: The Life of Masturbation

Today I was reading about sex and masturbation and how that has infiltrated every aspect of our existence, where no matter what we do it is all stemming from the desire to have this energetic satisfaction whether through sex or masturbation. Then I looked at my own life and saw how I was/am caught in this ultimate search.

In my life I started my sexual exploration with masturbation and then went on to form a relationship. The sex was great, until it lasted, until there was this energetic build up between me and my girlfriend. Later though the energy started to dissipate and the whole relationship became boring, repetitive and sex wasn’t so great anymore. I don’t remember if I used to masturbate during my relationship but what I know for sure is that I really fucked myself with that after the relationship broke. I noticed that masturbation was giving me better satisfaction and there was no hard work involved as it is within a relationship, within a relationship you have to consider another being and within masturbation I was alone and free from all the responsibilities. So within that realization I gradually stopped my relationship formations and completely isolated myself into the fantastic world of masturbation. I was glad that internet was getting faster and faster and allowed me to download pictures at much greater speed. I mean I was evolving together with the evolution of internet. It never allowed me to get bored as it always had new things emerging and that kept my interest alive. And I never had to stick with one girl as there was such a variety of them that I could choose from.

Years went by like that, but still within me I could see that masturbation didn’t really satisfy me completely – there was always the feeling of “not enough”. I was getting further and further away in the world of masturbation, where eventually pictures on the internet were not satisfying me anymore and I started to fantasize about girls I knew in my world and I masturbated on them. I also used my memories of past relationships where I went through the sexual experiences remembering all the details and in that way building up my energy to masturbate. Still all that wasn’t so cool as it lasted only for that moment and after that I would feel like shit, because I mean I was alone in my world, I couldn’t have proper interactions with girls as my mind was so full of pictures, desires, fantasies, all I could see was sex. I didn’t know how to approach a girl, how to communicate, how to act. It was really bad and I would sabotage all my attempts almost immediately which of course led me to more suppression and further masturbation as the only way to satisfy this growing urge. And this also influenced all my other relationships that I had in my world as I was so isolated in my inner reality of sexual images, fantasies and desires. I mean that was almost my whole reality, I wasn’t doing anything else much. I was interested in spirituality which was actually supporting this type of life. But that is another topic. So it lasted like that for years until I could see in common sense that this was going nowhere and by any means I have to stop this. I didn’t want to end my life like that.

So from here my battle began. One very cool point was that I had a friend to whom I could openly communicate on these matters as he also was battling with the same thing, and so we searched for solution together. My biggest disgrace was when my friend found me masturbating in his house watching the pictures of his sister. My friend was really cool in this and showed no reaction as he could understand the desperation, but I think in that moment we both realized that this is not a way to go and has to stop right here. The consequences of participating in masturbation were obvious, where the whole reality shrinks to only this point of seeking satisfaction that can never be attained but grows bigger and bigger destroying all the potential of becoming somebody in this world.

When I look back now at all these years that I wasted I can’t help but experience regret that I haven’t seen earlier the destructiveness that this behavior brings. I mean there was no information that I could find about the destructive nature of masturbation and what is more important to find the means how to end this addiction. And it’s not until I found Desteni where they went into detail of how one actually is harming self and others through masturbation. They provided the tools of how to begin the process of self-healing and how to direct this process in the most effective way. Even then it was hard and a long journey to stop that initial behavior – where now I still have to deal with the consequences that this long lasting behavior has done to me as a being. I mean I have formed and shaped through many years who I am and now I am still living in some way these consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost in my alternative reality of masturbation where I have wasted many years that I could have used for self-perfection in developing skills or attributes of myself that would have brought real satisfaction in my life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that though masturbation I have isolated myself from all beings in my existence where I lived in secret and fear that others might find out who I am behind the picture that I present to everyone in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that masturbation has no influence to my reality, that this is my own business and I have full right to do it where I didn’t realize and see the invisible effects that participation in masturbation was actually creating

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it was masturbation that influenced my inability to form normal relationships with girls in my world and that it was effecting all my other relationship as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend masturbation by all means never allowing any consideration about how it affects my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in regret once I found what I have done to myself and my world through masturbation instead of standing up within myself and correcting myself as who I have become as the product of many years of masturbation where within that I stop all the consequences that it has manifested within me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to study everything about how masturbation exists in this reality and make sure that I place that knowledge and share it through my own experience as wide as possible so that those who have this problem could find the information and see what they are doing and where they are going – and do it with the realization that I would also wanted to have found this information when I was completely lost in masturbation but could not find any real information on all the ins and outs of how it functions and the extent of harm it does/will do to one’s life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are no consequences of masturbation after one has stopped participating in it where within that I have allowed myself to stop all investigation without realizing that it is still ingrained within my subconscious and unconscious mind from where who I am here as my conscious personality emerges, but because I have suppressed it I am not able to see it, yet my actions and decision are still very much based on what I have done throughout my life and who I have become within what I have done

Thus I commit myself to devote my time for thorough investigation into the whole masturbation design where I educate myself on every detail of its working  to thus be able to forevermore clear myself and support others in clearing themselves from this addictive and destructive behavior

I commit myself to see and understand all aspect of how masturbation effects the lives of people and how to transform masturbation into something that is not harmful to self and others

I commit myself to write and share the process of walking out from the infected dirty mind into the purity of life where I prove that it is possible to let go of this addiction for energetic experiences and that by letting go one can find real enjoyment and satisfaction just by being here with other beings where one is able to form intimate and fulfilling relationships

Here are few very supportive interviews:

Day 8: Pornography

At my workplace there is a room where me and my colleagues spend quite a lot of time during the day. In this room we have a few calendars – one with nude girls and the other with non-nude but sexually dressed girls. My colleagues really insist on having these few attributes in the room where they have replaced the old simple calendar that we had before, which by the way was much more practical because at least you could see numbers on it while the new ones put all the emphasis on the picture. So, either way, I am facing myself there. For many years in my life I was quite a big pornography user where during this time I have accumulated within myself huge library of sexual pictures and images that were providing me with the energetic rush that made me feel “alive” and also served as a substitute for my failed relationships. Masturbation and pornography became my new partners in life and so we walked together for quite some time. I am sure if I were to enter my mind like a computer I would find many categories/libraries of pictures that I collected throughout these years.

Even though I believed this point is more or less resolved within me, I am sure now that I was just lying to myself as within all beLIEves. I have never really worked on this point within myself – and even now sitting here I am not sure how to approach this point and where to begin and where do I stand within it. My way of dealing with my desires was basically to suppress and pretend it’s not there. However now that I have this new calendar right above my head hanging all day I can literally face myself looking straight into the wall in front of me, a window of opportunity to finally get to know myself.

Today I have seen very interesting behavior that I acted out in very subtle moments – where when walking into the room my eyes for a split second looked into the picture and quickly turned away – as if there is fire that’s burning my eyes. Soooo – Quite an indication that I fear to look at myself perhaps sensing what is there to find.

Thus here I am willing myself to begin self-investigation – to open myself just like a computer and perform some cleaning on my hard disk, so that I would stop existing as a programmed robot and become a living being

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun away the point of desire towards sexual pictures and images within the believe that I have transcended the point where common sense dictates that many years of participation and accumulation of sexual pictures and images cannot just go away magically and that this point needs my close and specific investigation to see where I stand within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire where now I am unable to see where I stand within this point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and think about the point as within the desire to make it more presentable instead of seeing directly in self-honesty and writing what is actually here as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to color the truth of myself and hide from self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down my mind and resist writing the point in self-honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist looking at what I have become by allowing myself to participate as a consumer of pornography

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pornography as bad and thus experience shame and guilt instead of looking at the point as it is and investigate all ins and outs how it exists and work towards a correction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep participating in pornography after even after I knew about the harm and abuse that this industry is causing for so many beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as soft pornography consumer where within that I justified myself as not doing any harm, not realizing that I was still participating and supporting the same industry that exploits human beings creating extreme suffering for many females and children that are forced into this industry to satisfy the desires of sexual addicts who go further and further in  search for the promised satisfaction that is never able to be achieved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the rush I get watching pornography where within that I justified my addiction by any means not realizing that I have become a slave who is driven by the promise of satisfaction that was never fulfilled but drove me deeper and deeper into separation from other people, especially females as I began to see them only as sexual objects without any ability to connect intimately

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that my participation within pornography and accumulation of pictures and images is influencing my participation and interaction with females where within my mind I still look at them with the same eyes which categorize/classify/organize their physical appearance according to my likes and dislikes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to upon meeting a female as a first thing look at their picture presentation where I immediately label them according to my categorization system instead of just seeing the female as who she really is as a being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider this behavior normal as a part of human nature not realizing that this human nature in itself is flawed and creates as a consequence all the atrocities that are existent in our world

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that human nature means being in complete separation from each other and where only humans are considered while other forms of life are not treated equally but are abused to sustain this human nature. Thus I refuse to further support human nature and all that’s involved in it where I stand for equality of all life

 

I commit myself to stop all participation in pornographic industry within the realization that it creates only extreme abuse by designing the material only for profit where they don’t give a shit about the real education of human beings within their sexual expression

I realize that humans have become so addicted to the energy fix that they will go to extremes to satisfy themselves where within that they create ever more abusive scenarios in their minds to create friction to produce energy – and here pornographic industry comes in and manifests these scenarios to make money from this human disaster

It is obvious that most of what pornography portrays is not even real where they Photoshop models and create movies with unreal scenarios where through that they program human mind with alternate reality that cannot be matched by the physical and thus within this separation from physical world people start to go crazy as they are unable to manifest their fantasies that they created through watching pornography

Here within these realizations I commit myself to expose the pornographic industry as an abuser and destroyer of humanity by showing to people with whom I come into contact where they are actually participating and what consequences they are creating for themselves and their fellow human being and all life

When and as I see myself desiring to experience energetic rush while looking at pornographic picture I stop and I breathe – I realize that if I allow myself to be overcome by this feeling of sexual energy I am further enslaving myself to be dependent on something outside of me to give me pleasure and that my dependency on this source means that I am just another slave and supporter of this abusive system that produces these pictures and images in the name of profit where they do enormous harm to humanity and all life as they take away the possibility for people to become intimate with real physical partners without projecting on them this picture that they saw on calendar

Artwork byAnna Brix Thomsen