Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am

 

Norvz-Austria-Makes-Time-Stand-StillThis comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.

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Day 280: Can’t we just get rid of people we don’t want in our Lives?

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CoolArt4I have listened to an eye opening interview about the dynamics of relationship that we have in our reality and how it works when we decide that certain relations don’t fit us anymore and we want to end them.

In my life I have made some pretty drastic decisions where I basically said to some long-time friends to be gone from my life. At the moment it seemed the right choices to be made, but now, after having walked some years of life experience as well as listening to the interview I can admit to myself that within those decisions I did not take everything into consideration and if given another chance I would approach things differently. However, now that this is done it’s my responsibility to understand what happened and share this understanding within “hope” that others might read and be more informed to make their own decisions.

So the first thing to consider and understand is that through the process of change we are interrupting and distressing the whole system network of relationships where, the longer/older the relationships are, with all the memories attached, the bigger the disruption is and the longer it might take for the change to be accepted and integrated. So if we have, let’s say a friend who’s been there since the “beginning”, then we can likely brace ourselves for a more challenging process of change because there are a lot of memories holding the old “who I am” in place. There is also a chance that the being simply chooses to remain within the old programming and there is nothing one can do about but to continue walking the process of self-change as an example of what is possible.

So there are many different scenarios possible yet within it all the most important part is ourselves, our own standing where no matter what is happening we remain absolutely stable, non-reactive, and always able to assess the situation/event clearly and practically where within that we can make the best decisions.

The tendency is, and I have experienced this in my own process, to start playing the wise guy, where apparently I had the power to decide who is possibly gonna make it and who is useless, whom I must shun from my life and who can stay. I mean my perception when and as seeing everything through the mind’s eye is extremely limited and I am aware only of the tiniest piece of a person’s life compared to the whole existential multidimensional process and many times I have been proved wrong in my assumptions about specific people in my reality. So again, humbleness here is a virtue that we can practice, especially realizing that our inconsiderate decisions can have big consequences for ourselves and other people’s lives.

Thus when and as we make decisions it’s to ensure real stability where we see clearly all the physical/practical details without the mind influencing our perception and most importantly be self-honest in seeing whether the relationship is actually sorted within ourselves or are we just turning to drastic measures of cutting pieces from ourselves like mad doctors believing we are contributing to the process of healing.

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Day 177: “I am not good enough” character – Thought dimension (Part 1)

This blog is a continuation within the series of blogs I am writing about “I am not good enough” character which manifests itself within situations where I have to take action by making a decision to actively participate in my everyday reality. In this blog I am looking at the dimension of Thought of this character seeing what thoughts are activating this character.

Introductory Blog

Fear Dimension

Fear of being judged

Fear of making mistakes

Fear of confrontation/people

Fear of losing myself and that which I know

Fear of not being able to handle the truth of me

Fear of losing free choice
Fear of  the responsibility

Thought dimension

 

Seeing myself in a situation that goes out of hand and I cannot control it

Seeing a picture that is “empty/blank”

Seeing a picture of myself where i am being screamed at/called out

Seeing myself in a situation that goes out of hand and I cannot control it

Self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the Thought as image/picture to automatically come up within my Conscious-Mind of me being in a situation with other human beings where something happens and the situations just goes out of hand and I am not able to control it and so   I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away when and as this thought comes up where I allow this thought to activate the “i am not good enough” character and so determine who I am within my expression towards other human beings in my reality

I commit myself to when and as I see the image/picture of me being with other beings losing control of the situation stop myself from participating in this thought and bring myself back to breath and remain breathing in awareness as a realization that only in and as breath I have the control of myself where I have the directive principle of deciding who I will be in relation to the situation where I participate with other beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how this thought comes from the fear I have towards people and the possibility of there being a conflict and so instead of investigating my fears I allow the thought to come up within me and convince me about its validity thus sabotaging my active participation in my reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop the thought when it appears and push myself into action despite any preexisting fears so that I would put my fears to the test where my experience shows that most fears I have ever had turned out to be only illusions created and exaggerated in my own mind which have nothing to do with physical reality

Thus I commit myself to step in and participate with other human being in my reality realizing that if I allow my fears to direct my living without any real evidence of them being real I am submitting myself to the world of illusions and thus i commit myself to whenever and  whatever thought/believes/ideas I design and create in my mind about the reality I immediately test them in the real world to see their validity

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Day 58: The Smiling Personality

Throughout my life I have learned amazing technique to deal with any type of problem or situation where I felt I wasn’t in control – that is to put on a smile on my face. It is an easy act and it is really effective with most beings, where most people respond in the same manner and so we pass each other as if everything is alright, thus never getting to actually get to know each other, because who we really are behind these fake smiles is suppressed and hidden. I can look at myself and definitely see that I am not smiling inside in most cases. Many times there is a backchat running where I have nasty and judgmental thoughts towards another and yet I smile. I hide my true self, because I fear exposing my inner reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk with a smile on my face as if everything is fine all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear the smiling mask for so long that I started to believe that this is who I am – a benign being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a smile on my face while inside of me there are many judgments/blame/anger towards myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the possibility of conflict if I do not pretend to be a happy person in front of others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost not knowing what to say or do when people ask me what is wrong with me when I they see my grim and frowned face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when people ask me what is wrong with me or why I am not happy where I immediately judge them as being ignorant and blind to the problems in this world where my backchat goes “how can you be happy when you live as a slave to this system and where people starve and die because of our allowance of this pretended happiness”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that people would understand me and share my concerns while I remain silent and do not share myself as who I am and what I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smiling and pretending to be alright as a mechanism to get rid of people and avoid the possibility to start a conversation if they were to ask me what’s wrong with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my smiling personality where within that I went into the opposite polarity where I deliberately looked sad and troubled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there are only two choices – whether I am happy or not where within that I try to find a balance and constantly control myself by observing people’s reactions and seeing what works best, meaning what gets me through without attracting attention

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to avoid people not realizing that I have to face them all and express common sense about the actual existence of our current living

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be a real being who reflects in my whole body’s expression the reality of this existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget what it means to walk the process in and as courage where I bravely face all beings in my existence by speaking and expressing what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that existing in thoughts I am unable to see what is here thus I am in my mind as energy movement where I exist within polarities of good and bad – and thus I am in constant fight between the good and bad trying to balance the equation where I believe that this balance is my point of stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is no solution in thinking thus until I allow thoughts to decide my actions I will never be able to express myself in a way that does not create some form of friction and thus I will never be stable but only a subject to energetic triggers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that having thoughts is the only way to survive not realizing that I am surviving only as a limited personality as the mind that exist in constant fight between polarities infinitely spinning in the same behavior patterns as I can prove to myself that through writing

I commit myself to stop pretending that everything is fine and stop putting a fake smile on my face to thus equalize my outer expression and my inner reality as how I experience myself within – to thus be able to see the dis-ease that I have become and correct it by taking complete self-responsibility for all my behavior

I commit myself to learn communication skills through pushing myself to interact with people where in that process I will learn to comfortably handle conflict situations by remembering that all I have to do is slow myself down and direct the moment as myself through breathing here in awareness where I have all the power to decide my actions and stop reactions