Day 296: Porn addict

240920814_5e03d0ea0f_zFirst step in healing yourself from this addiction, like any other, is of course recognizing that it is actually a problem. Still I am meeting a lot of people that are missing this simple realization even though addiction is already having a significant affect in their lives.

So I had this interesting experience with one guy who was in such a position where the awareness of pornography addiction possibly being a problem was nonexistent. This then became an interesting instance to explore where I tried to see into his mind and understand a little better why pornography is so well protected and not questioned. I had one week to spend with the person which gave me ample time to get to know him better. It is crucial, I found, to have no judgment towards any form of this addiction, whether you are still participating in pornography yourself or it is your loved one that that is lost in this wonderland or anyone else for that matter. Because the interesting thing about judgment is that it shuts all the doors into having access to deeper levels of, we can call it a pornography system that is operating in the mind. To have more detailed explanation how pornography/fantasy reality is interconnected and intertwined in the physical body and mind I strongly suggest watching these interviews to, at least, get basic understanding about how it all functions.

So with this starting point in me that I will not judge whatever I hear or see I started bringing up the topic of pornography in the conversations with the guy. In the beginning when trying, in one way or another, to suggest the negative effects of pornography I would get from him only a crossed face with a smug smile towards me. In other words the protection mechanisms in the mind were fulfilling their duty very well.

Then one day ‘the devil’ came out. While we were interacting I gave to him my phone showing some picture on some topic we were discussing. Just a moment later seeing the opportunity he immediately accessed the pictures on my phone looking for something, well by that time I knew more or less about how his pornography addiction functions, meaning where he is collecting, absorbing anything and everything from his reality that could serve as pornographic material to enhance/feed his fantasies. So, on my phone he accessed my pictures that I had and even the ones that were already deleted. And even though there was nothing sexual in nature within these picture I could see him changing very rapidly in his behavior where, especially, his eyes were lighting up with extreme intensity. At that moment I reacted a bit and took away my phone from him where in this he became even more exited and almost started begging me to give him my phone so he could see the rest of the pictures. His behavior was very intense and I was taken aback for a while where I got a bit uncomfortable in not knowing how to deal with the situation. After a moment I pointed out to him the possession that he is and how extremely it’s taking over him. Moment later he came back to his senses where I then asked him if he still cannot see the problem. He, again, gave me a smile but this time there was some concern noticeable in his posture.

After this event we could already open a bit more on this topic and we had some cool discussions on the addictive nature of pornography. He said that it’s like a drug which meant that he finally agreed that there is an addiction within him. We spoke on the effects of pornography and the tight hold it can have on you if you continue to participate without giving it a second thought.

On our last interaction when we were sitting alone in the room I asked him looking straight in his eyes “have you never considered changing yourself?” his response was no and from the rest of the conversation it was rather obvious that he is not yet seriously considering that this change is necessary. And I have observed this in many people before, that until the reality is relatively functional there is unwillingness to take self-responsibility for one’s actions and it is thus likely that there is a need to travel down the road of harsh consequences before seriously considering change.

So when I am viewing these types of addictions and when I am trying to reason with others I usually note that we have and we live in a big universe where so many things are happening and so many things are possible if only we started realizing our potential, but yet we choose a tiny wormhole as our fantasy realities and we remain stuck in it, completely discarding what’s out there to be learned and discovered in the real world. The addiction really limits us to such an extent where we become only a handful of thoughts spinning in the mind over and over suffocating the life out of us. We compromise our relationships with the people around us, we lose focus on our personal goals and objectives, we become ignorant to the issues that concern our community, our country, and we no longer see the state of this world and what is required to be done for this earth to survive and thrive so it could sustain us as well as the generations to come.


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Day 38: Pain in The Eyes


For a very long time on and off I have been experiencing rather strong pain in my eyes. It felt like my eyes are under constant tension/pressure as if wanting to pop out of the eye sockets. All I could do in these moments is try and massage them and try to push them back into place, which felt good, but for just a moment. My sight was also getting worse over time where earlier in my life I could boast with having perfect vision but now when going for a medical checkup I have to memorize quickly some lines on the chart just to pass the tests. Where I live in the shopping malls we also had these free eye tests offered by opticians. So I went in and so it was confirmed that my vision is pretty bad, especially one eye. Surely they immediately gave me the prescription and wanted to sell some glasses but I did not even consider that as it is rather obvious that once you put the glasses on, it’s for life. That was a few years ago and I am still in the same position, it didn’t get much worse still I find myself being troubled and fearing the consequences if I do not investigate the point and find a solution for myself.

So today I experienced perhaps the worst ever pain in my eyes where my eyes were screaming and wanting to get out of me. I was rather desperate to end this experience. Many times I tried to understand the reason/cause of this experience – where first I thought that this is because of long hours spent by the computer as well as reading my e-book. Yet I couldn’t see that as a valid reason because many people spend much longer hours doing that and are completely ok. I also don’t have any family history with that kind of issue so again that indicated that somewhere on the way I started myself this destructive pattern leading me to this point.

So the pain was growing stronger and I had no clue what I have to do. When I had a lunch break here at work I went to bed to get some rest believing that my eyes just needed some darkness and relaxation, but when I got up after almost an hour it was almost the same with only slight alleviation which lasted only short time before the previously experienced pain returned in full scope. Nothing was working, the pain just continued and never left me as if saying – you are not getting out of this one until you figure out what the fuck are you doing.

Only a bit later after walking with the pain for some time I suddenly looked within myself – yes, I looked into myself – that was the solution. It immediately made sense, the whole time I was concentrating all my attention outside of me trying to find/understand me somewhere there in the outside pictures of this reality. So as an immediate solution in the moment I shifted my attention/focus from the pictures I see around me into myself, into my body, my inner experience in the moment. And when I remained like that looking into myself the tension in the eyes was dropping and it was really amazing to finally get that release. So now I see that I was really trying to find me out there, thus my eyes were also going out to search for me outside of myself. It was like this strenuous attempt to understand/to see everything that’s happening outside of me. Yet all I needed is my breath, staying inside of myself, looking in – because my whole outside reality is projected from within so there is no way I can understand my outside reality by not seeing how I am projecting/creating it in the first place. So by simply staying inside and breathing with awareness has alleviated greatly the pain.

So my body has shown me through pain what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself not realizing that I am here in my body and thus I have to redirect my attention/focus within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have to go through this physical pain in my eyes to realize the simplicity of being here within myself as the breath

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s not possible to find myself in the outside pictures that I see with my eyes through the mind where there I as the directive principle do not exist

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that when I am not focusing on my inner being I am completely lost in the outside pictures of this world where I desperately try to find myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that when I am not in my breath but only outside of myself I am not the directive principle of my participation thus I walk only as energy lost in all my thoughts, feelings and emotions trying to figure/see a way out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life is about pictures that I see outside of myself instead of remaining here within my breath where I can see how I experience my reality for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the absence of me as breath be completely lost in the mind where I see the whole reality only as pictures constantly and continually defining my environment within and as the relationships that I formed in separation from myself as also being only a picture thus never seeing the true essence as who I really am that is beyond the pictures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give life to pictures that I see with my eyes through my constant attention and fixation on them where I form relationships and connections with these pictures completely ignoring my true beingness that fuels the whole process and which is suppressed in the background

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself and others to being only pictures where within that I am not seeing or understanding the true nature of myself and others as I am lost in these pictures and moving only as the picture in relation to other pictures


I commit myself to stop my picture reality by remaining in breath

I commit myself to stop defining myself as a picture where within that I am separating myself from the rest whom I also define as being only pictures

I commit myself to investigate what drives me to keep myself being attached to myself as being a picture and to release myself from all definitions to get to know who I am beyond the picture that I perceive myself to be


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Day 16: Am I only a Picture?

Next point of investigation is PICTURES. Pictures are so all encompassing in my life – it’s my whole world and I am also just a picture in it – existing in constant comparison with other pictures, liking and disliking certain pictures while some are irrelevant, some pictures give me a smile and some make me sad, some make me horny and some make to become disgusted, some pictures I want to see again and some are hidden to be avoided, some pictures bring past memories and some make me think about future, some pictures are sticky where they exactly reveal my true desires while others just pass without notice, some I consider more than me while others less  – it’s all about pictures pictures pictures.

I will start my investigation from myself where I will look how through time I have defined myself as a picture and what experiences, believes, ideas I hold around My picture. I am the one who created myself as picture, who filled, painted and outlined it – so I must be the one to undo it and thus remove the limited definition that separates myself from all that is here as the equal substance.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only a picture that I perceive myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit all others as I limit myself to only pictures where I completely miss the beingness behind the picture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied with the picture as who I believe I am and who I believe others are not realizing that I am distracting myself from what is happening behind the scene where all decision are made, from where the act of picture puppets is directed and where I am as well directing the “play” yet I refuse to see that as I am too preoccupied with watching the puppet show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that the pictures within this world are manipulated and thus do not represent what is actually here behind the presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the pictures are real not realizing it’s just a distraction and a tool to keep me preoccupied by triggering within me reactions as feeling and emotions where within that I cover myself with more energetically created layers of distraction as comparisons/desires/jealousy/wants/needs towards the pictures that I see and from here seeing the reality is even more difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have/live the best picture where I create desires towards it completely and absolutely missing the point where I have no clue how some of the pictures that I see and desire came into being– for example walking in the supermarket I see some gadget that I like and thus desire it to have for myself but I am completely unaware that this gadget might have come from child labor in china – which is very probable and thus I support each time this system that allows such atrocities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally and completely abdicate my responsibility and give full trust to others like politicians, various agencies and organizations which I believe are doing their work in making sure that our system functions properly according to the agreed rules where they protect the rights of people

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within myself i always have seen the abuse and corrupt system but simply justified the system within the believe that all is ok because I was ok and had some money to spend to buy clothes, food, had a roof over my head and was able to even satisfy my desires – so yes from my perspective the system was ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of losing what I had thus never stood up to “shake the boat” within the believe that I am nothing in this existence not realizing that it’s exactly what those in control want me and all others to believe

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that indeed I am nothing until I allow myself to participate and “play” around with pictures in my head completely making myself blind and distracted from being able to see what is happening and thus become a participant in this reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to the pictures where I believe that certain pictures are just too powerful for me to let go, like pictures of sexual nature, not realizing that it is my perfect justification to postpone my realization that I have means and responsibility to stand up for myself and those that do not have means to do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my non-participation within reality as responsible being by claiming that I have tried to stop picture reality within myself and go beyond but I failed and so I use failure as a justification to remain where I am instead of becoming practical being where I organize and structure the real path, where I construct a practical bridge for myself through which I can walk out of the mind reality into the actual reality which involves writing my patterns of how i exist as the picture presentation of myself, write out my automated relationship with other pictures ad within that understand how it all functions and how I have to correct and redesign these relationships into that which would support all being in existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to the picture of me as who I believe I am and other pictures as who I believe this world is instead of valuing life as the equal essence as the source from which everything is created which means that we are all one and equal in essence and the separation that we experience is just an illusion perpetuated by the mind energy as thoughts/believes/ideas/fantasies/assumptions/perceptions/ideals etc. that we acquired and learned in this world from those who have gone before us and that we accepted as undeniable truth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my past as more than me and thus feel powerless in the face of it without realizing that it’s just my memories as pictures and experiences that are keeping me stuck in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is no way I would be able to function without having my memories to guide me and pictures to define my reality even though I have already seen that whenever I stopped something I really believed in and defined myself by – I always remained here and I became more than I was before because the very believe and definition was limiting me – as if saying you are this and that, which automatically implies gazillion things which I am not

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that everything that exists here is me and the only thing that does not allow me to see and realize that is my preoccupation with pictures where I don’t see the interconnectedness of everything and everyone beyond the pictures


Thus I commit myself to investigate how I exist in my world as a picture presentation of myself and what desires wants and needs I still have that preoccupy my conscious mind to not see the reality beyond pictures

I commit myself to practice breathing where within that I slowly become aware of how I participate in my mind and how I keep limiting myself through thoughts that run in my mind constantly defining my reality so that I would feel “safe” and “in control”

I commit myself in finding ways how I can release myself from the believe that I need my mind to exist and function in my reality where I prove to myself slowly but surely that breath is the only thing I need to be here

I commit to myself to only start considering the practical aspects of participation in this world where I let go of my preoccupation in my mind with unnecessary thoughts based on fears and desires

Artwork by Rozelle Destonian De Lange




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