Day 299: New Job and the Discovery of Stress

thI have started a new job recently and in this position I’ve had moments that were rather intense. Throughout my life I have pretty much avoided any responsibility and all the jobs I had in the past were essentially an easy ride for me. I did observe the people who would get stressed in their jobs and I could not relate or understand how you get to such a point.

In this new job, however, my understanding expanded and I have had the moments where it seemed like I was on the edge of breaking down because of the workload and the pressure to get things done. Despite these moments being tough I found that they are also an opportunity to expand and break the limitations I had about what is possible. Essentially what I have learned is that when those intense moments come there is no time for thinking, no time for distraction and all the focus and attentions must be absolutely here on the task. I was satisfied with myself after being able to manage these moments and each time when the same moments with same intensity came I was able to find my stability more quickly and be more effective.

So I am glad that I am finally learning what it means to focus myself on something so completely and where you get things done for real. It took me a long time to get to this point because I resisted change a lot, I was always fearing and anticipating the worst, holding also the belief that I require more and more preparation to start something without realizing that there is only so much you can prepare and that without real application of the knowledge there is no improvement possible.

In this little journey I found that there are many factors which determine how we will handle stress and most are within our ability to direct and perfect ourselves within yet what I also found is that the system is sometimes too demanding thus pushing individuals too hard without considering their needs and abilities.

I have seen people being constantly under stress and where that stress is accumulating from day to day leading to undesirable consequences. In this blog I would like to note one important factor I have noticed which revels quite accurately that there are problems. And that is SLEEP patterns. This seems to be a prevalent problem in our current work environment. I have spoken to many people and it is obvious that it’s a big issue which is not addressed and given the significance it deserves. When I started working in my new position I have worked very long hours but at the same time I noticed that I also required longer sleeping hours to “digest” all the new information so to speak and it worked very well where the next day I would wake up with a clear mind ready to take the new challenges of the day. When this cycle is disturbed the challenges become burdens which accumulate and may lead to mental and physical exhaustion. Here are some very supportive blogs on this subject for anyone having sleep issues:

Oh! Good night’s rest, Good night’s rest…wherefore art thou Good night’s rest

Sleeping: Trying to fight a losing battle

To Sleep or Not to Sleep – the Dilemma with Tiredness

When I want to Sleep my problems away – yet my problems keep me Awake…

It’s unfortunate that the system we live in sometimes places unreasonable demands by forcing us, through the fear of survival, to keep working and producing results without considering simple, common sense needs of the individuals. So by doing the best we can in our individual lives we also have to pay attention and seek bigger solutions that would challenge the current system to change it into one that considers real physical needs of all humans as well as animals and plants. I support the movement of “Living Income Guaranteed” which addresses these issues by providing practical solutions to our sleepless nights.

More on Stress:

Is it Possible For Stress to be Constructive?

 

Day 249: Consolidating Myself into Self-Destructive Characters

imagesDay in and day out, within each breath that I take I exist as some thoughts or reactions or some emotions and feelings. During this time in whatever I participate most in my mind – I become that.

What happens is the consolidation of the behavior patterns. Meaning: what gets most attention in my mind throughout prolonged period, the things in which I spend most of the time, they become “the norm”, as if “that is the way it is, as it has always been”. Now what I am noticing about myself is that I am beginning to consolidate myself into a certain characters that are not what’s best for me and for all, and so in time they grow stronger thus becoming the main characters gaining all the ground and fighting for survival in most effective ways. In this then the change becomes more difficult.

The characters I exist in and as are familiar to me, they are ME, all that I have ever known – so I believe. The memory is very short and I am not even able to remember who I was before developing my main characters I currently exist as. Who I was when I was still a child knowing nothing nor understanding the concepts of self-definition – like being inadequate, inferior, unworthy, anxious etc. All that was programmed later in my life – I mean, I have undergone “education” process at home by parents and at school where all of that was taught in and outside the classrooms. Later the television told me another vision of what it is that I should aspire and become equal to – yet again creating more separation and judgment towards the real characters that I have become. So all is designed to produce hope in us just to make sure we do not see directly at reality as that surely will make us angry and we will surely challenge the status quo

Yet who is allowing all that? It’s me, I am allowing myself to be inferior to these characters, mostly by judging them, judging myself for existing in and as these characters and in this way consolidating them into and as myself. In this I have a hate and love relationship with them, loving them perhaps 1% and hating 99%. So it’s kind of strange how in this change can be difficult, yet when we look at the whole our world all exists in the same principle – where 1% of world populations controls the 99%. That is mostly because the 99% is so divided between each other that no agreement can be reached. I wonder now if that same applies to me in this character game? I suppose so where this 99% of my time is spent in self-blame, self-judgment, all the negative predominant aspects of my life while the 1% of the positivity that remains keeps me from going mad, turning tables and taking definitive actions to change.

So the process is to shun away that 1% realizing that it’s only a cover tactic, an energetic blanket of positive feelings covering the reality that is here all the time. Then I remain standing “in the rain” and have to move myself to solve the shit. In this I force myself to understand the causes of my negativity and all the troubles troubling me. After this follows the solution where I redesign myself to stand and apply myself with necessary corrective actions and do it constantly and consistently until I consolidate myself as a new character that is beneficial for myself and all life.

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Day 129: The Desteni Character

 

So one thing is clear – there is something wrong with my starting point in doing the process. In all the years of participation it feels that I am in no way coming closer to being more clear in understanding myself and within that changing me to be more effective, transparent, benevolent human being.

I keep looking back at the time when I first encountered Desteni and who I was then. I long for this old me perceiving that I was much more insightful, disciplined, brave and dedicated being. Within that I conclude that somewhere along the line I have misdirected myself and approached process with some self-interested agenda that brought me here to the point where I have mountains of knowledge and information, plenty of written material behind me but no actual real self-change.

When I encountered Desteni I remember having this fear of not being able to get through with what was being shared, not being able to stop my limited existence as the mind and become expressive human being who can stand bravely for life. I could see my limitations and feared that I will remain with/as them until the day I die. Fear of a mediocre life and thus desire for greatness was my starting point.

So I can see how throughout years I have actually lived mostly in my mind creating ideas and projections about future and who I want to be and become. Within that, obviously, I wasn’t HERE living in actual reality seeing myself as who I really am and taking actions with full consideration of who I really am here now. I wasn’t walking the actual, required practical steps to change myself and so in reality I wasn’t changing – but only evolving in my alternate mind reality. I could feel the whole time, how my ability to remain here in breath was moving away from me, because I couldn’t afford to abandon my mind reality where I was investing all the time and attention as the future “life”.

Desteni character that I developed through years served as the mechanism of self-deception that I used to prove to myself that I was moving somewhere. When talking to people I would present myself as a group member standing for change, yet within that I knew that I am not able to stand as an example of change myself – thus I was using other group members as an example that change is happening and so continued existing in hope that I will also change by mere fact that I am in the group. It’s time to realize that there is no magic and that change is only possible with actual work that one has to physically, practically walk through real actions, through actually following with the commitments that I write for myself.

To be continued…

 

Desteni Website

 

Day 30: Learning To Trust Myself

 

Each time before writing a blog I go through other people’s writings looking for an example. Because I do not trust myself. It’s not just in writing but pretty much everything I do. I look at others and try to copy them. Funny when I look for example at my drawing patterns throughout my life, all I was ever able to do was to copy some pictures I see with my eyes and perhaps my greatest creation of art I have ever done is a conglomeration of some copied objects that I can call my own just because I came up with the combination of them. Also I remember when I saw myself first time on camera speaking, I could see copied parts of my expression and I could even see where most of these parts come from. So I had this big question then: what is MY expression then? Who am I? If all I see is parts of other people copied and put together to make a personality called Arvydas. But then when I looked around I noticed the same about other people in my reality where each was just a makeup of different patterns of behavior.

So I never trusted myself to express myself but always used others as reference to express myself. I never realized that one can trust self; this thought has never entered my mind because I perceived myself as tiny, insignificant little being that needs to copy others and follow them. I would always find someone as my authority and try to live up to them by saying and acting as them. I was in complete separation from myself and my own common sense. I mean I participate in my reality, I see it and I experience it – shouldn’t it be my responsibility to trust myself in this and act as myself with what I see and experiences.

So as I see it now it was always my fear to take self-responsibility for my world. I mean if I really trust myself then I will express myself as who I am and I will see myself and I will see my world and obviously it’s not a beautiful sight that will open up. Thus this fear is like a protection mechanism to not look at myself in self-honesty. So I always chose to hide and give away my trust to others that apparently are bigger than me not really caring where that leads me or everyone else because I can justify later that it wasn’t me. So it’s a complete abdication of self-responsibility and a choice to remain limited in my existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself but give away my trust to others out of fear to take self-responsibility for myself and my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to trust my self-honesty where within that I would express myself without fear that I will do something bad for which I will not be able to stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not intelligent enough to trust myself and thus within that I searched for someone outside of me who is more intelligent and knows better

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-trust needs to be developed where I prove to myself that I can be trusted – that can be done by being consistent in writing self, constantly investigating my world and my reality and how I exist in relation to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that self-trust is in my breath where I am not thinking – as the thoughts fuck me around in polarities and in this way I am never stable and thus I cannot trust myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have to constantly check my self-trust in action where I make commitments to do something and where it will become clear who I am within that and whether I can trust myself with more and more responsibility

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by not trusting myself I am hiding and avoiding self-responsibility and thus within that I am not my own authority but simply a follower of other forces that do live self-trust and take the responsibility

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-trust must be trusting self that I will always act in ways that is best for all and if I do not take that step I allow the continuation of what exists currently where all the responsibility lies in the hands of those that do not care about what is best for all but only act in ways to satisfy their own greed thus it’s my responsibility to trust myself and act in self-trust to stop this atrocity because in self-honesty I can see what is really happening and that I am responsible for that directly or indirectly

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this world is interconnected and actions of each being influence the lives of others thus within seeing what is happening in this world and not doing anything about it because of the believe that I cannot trust myself I am actually stating that I am the evil one who doesn’t give a fuck about what is happening, the same statement as those who abuse directly are doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that statement “I do not trust myself” is a very comfortable statement which allows me to not take any action but continue existing in my little mind bubble without doing the work and changing myself to stand up and do something about what I see around me

Thus I commit myself to develop my self-trust constantly in my reality where I take on different tasks that will contribute to making a world that is best for all and thus within that I will see who I am and whether I can live self-trust or I am just another self-interest driven being that will rather trust others and follow them to the grave

I commit myself to stop any and all believes that I am in any way not good enough to become a being that can trust myself with doing and acting what’s best for all in all ways

I commit myself to investigate myself and my reality where within that I develop self-trust as I get to know myself closing the gap of separation between me and my world where I realize that I am one and equal to all that is here and that it is my responsibility to take care for myself

I commit myself to stop all thoughts feelings and emotions as they cannot be trusted as they are unstable and thus they influence the ability to trust myself

 

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Day 28: Comprehesion

I found myself often getting angry/irritated when reading chats or articles which I am unable to comprehend. That is especially prevalent when following group chats where I just never seem to be able to catch up with the conversations that people share. For me it takes a long time to digest the information and I really have to slow myself down and read slowly until I comprehend. So when I am not able to participate as equal I get angry, basically with myself and I go into the emotion of inferiority where within that I try to uplift myself by judging people. This is a really nasty pattern and definitely requires immediate correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and irritated when I am not able to follow the conversations people are having in chats where within that I place myself as inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that going into emotion I am sabotaging even more my ability to follow and comprehend the conversations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people when I cannot stand equal to their understanding where within that I start back chatting about them, that nasty voice in the back of my head which says that people are faking their understanding or that they just don’t know what they are talking about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot understand or comprehend anything until I am busy in my mind with thoughts feeling and emotions where I am not being here with and as the conversation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I just should be able to understand and comprehend everything without actually investigating that specific topic within which I am participating without realizing that I have to actually participate in everything that is happening and apply myself constantly and consistently in order to stand as equal to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that comparison plays a major role within my comprehension ability where I look at people’s words not as they are but as who is writing them and who I believe this other person is and what I believe his capabilities are and when the person whom I have categorized into certain label fails to confirm his position in my categorization table I go into a reaction, especially when a person that I have defined as less than me shows more comprehension as I initially believed I go into anger/irritation and judgment of myself where within that I am completely lost in my mind instead of being here with the conversation and the information that is shared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know people where I have categorized them in my mind placing a label of who they are and who I am in relation to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize people within better/same as me/worse than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am unable to get out of my mind and stop this categorization/judgment within myself instead of slowing down and placing all focus on myself and my ability to comprehend the information where within that I realize that by categorizing/judging people I am creating friction within myself where I produce energy that fuels my mind and thus my limitation as who I am as the mind where within that limitation I am separate from everyone else and thus exist in relations to others either more/same/ or less than another –so basically I am creating my own doom by participating in this doom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world turns around me where I have all these different parts as people and things spinning around to which I created all the relationships of more/same/or less than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be someone, that I have to be separate from the rest where within that I have to constantly and continually hold the idea of myself, to constantly place myself in relation to others where I endlessly generate the energy by being in constant friction trying to uphold the idea of me – where within that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that this energy has to be extracted from my physical body where I am slowly eating myself just to uphold the idea of myself as separate entity instead of realizing that I can decide to stop all judgment and stand equal to all parts of myself and stop energy generation and abuse of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly desire to know and see things from the starting point of the mind where I use that knowledge to improve myself/become more without realizing that all I can ever be is already here and the only way to see myself here is to stop the searching because within searching I am constantly moving away from here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that all my troubles are created by my desire be someone where I don’t realize my equality to all that is here through our physicality but instead I went into my consciousness where I separated myself from everything and everyone

 

When and as I see myself participating in judgment towards others while participating in chats I stop myself I breathe and I realize that I am creating friction within myself where I am separating myself further and further away into my mind reality where I lose my ability to be here and participate as equal within interaction with other beings

When and as I see myself reacting to the information that people share I stop and breathe – I go back as many times as I have to and reread the information slowly word by word where I integrate what’s been shared until i stand equal to that information and thus i realize that sin time I will become more efficient in my comprehension ability

When and as I see myself rushing from point to point without comprehending what i went through just moment ago I stop and I go back to do my “homework”

I commit myself to be patient with myself and push myself toward becoming effective and efficient within my comprehension ability where I am able to stand as equal to other participants

I commit myself to improve my understanding through writing, speaking, voicing myself within communication with other people

I commit myself to stop all fear of making mistakes of fear of being seen as inadequate where within that I can start seeing myself in self-honesty and see where I am actually standing with my comprehension

I commit myself to want to be more because within that I fear doing anything that I perceive will put me into a position of being less – where I basically, again, fear making mistakes to not put myself as less.

I commit myself to be self-honest in who I am where within that I can start seeing the reality of me, instead of the desired ideal of me, and within that find real/actual solution to perfect myself in the state where i will be most effective

 

Artwork byAnna Brix Thomsen