Day 296: Porn addict

240920814_5e03d0ea0f_zFirst step in healing yourself from this addiction, like any other, is of course recognizing that it is actually a problem. Still I am meeting a lot of people that are missing this simple realization even though addiction is already having a significant affect in their lives.

So I had this interesting experience with one guy who was in such a position where the awareness of pornography addiction possibly being a problem was nonexistent. This then became an interesting instance to explore where I tried to see into his mind and understand a little better why pornography is so well protected and not questioned. I had one week to spend with the person which gave me ample time to get to know him better. It is crucial, I found, to have no judgment towards any form of this addiction, whether you are still participating in pornography yourself or it is your loved one that that is lost in this wonderland or anyone else for that matter. Because the interesting thing about judgment is that it shuts all the doors into having access to deeper levels of, we can call it a pornography system that is operating in the mind. To have more detailed explanation how pornography/fantasy reality is interconnected and intertwined in the physical body and mind I strongly suggest watching these interviews to, at least, get basic understanding about how it all functions.

So with this starting point in me that I will not judge whatever I hear or see I started bringing up the topic of pornography in the conversations with the guy. In the beginning when trying, in one way or another, to suggest the negative effects of pornography I would get from him only a crossed face with a smug smile towards me. In other words the protection mechanisms in the mind were fulfilling their duty very well.

Then one day ‘the devil’ came out. While we were interacting I gave to him my phone showing some picture on some topic we were discussing. Just a moment later seeing the opportunity he immediately accessed the pictures on my phone looking for something, well by that time I knew more or less about how his pornography addiction functions, meaning where he is collecting, absorbing anything and everything from his reality that could serve as pornographic material to enhance/feed his fantasies. So, on my phone he accessed my pictures that I had and even the ones that were already deleted. And even though there was nothing sexual in nature within these picture I could see him changing very rapidly in his behavior where, especially, his eyes were lighting up with extreme intensity. At that moment I reacted a bit and took away my phone from him where in this he became even more exited and almost started begging me to give him my phone so he could see the rest of the pictures. His behavior was very intense and I was taken aback for a while where I got a bit uncomfortable in not knowing how to deal with the situation. After a moment I pointed out to him the possession that he is and how extremely it’s taking over him. Moment later he came back to his senses where I then asked him if he still cannot see the problem. He, again, gave me a smile but this time there was some concern noticeable in his posture.

After this event we could already open a bit more on this topic and we had some cool discussions on the addictive nature of pornography. He said that it’s like a drug which meant that he finally agreed that there is an addiction within him. We spoke on the effects of pornography and the tight hold it can have on you if you continue to participate without giving it a second thought.

On our last interaction when we were sitting alone in the room I asked him looking straight in his eyes “have you never considered changing yourself?” his response was no and from the rest of the conversation it was rather obvious that he is not yet seriously considering that this change is necessary. And I have observed this in many people before, that until the reality is relatively functional there is unwillingness to take self-responsibility for one’s actions and it is thus likely that there is a need to travel down the road of harsh consequences before seriously considering change.

So when I am viewing these types of addictions and when I am trying to reason with others I usually note that we have and we live in a big universe where so many things are happening and so many things are possible if only we started realizing our potential, but yet we choose a tiny wormhole as our fantasy realities and we remain stuck in it, completely discarding what’s out there to be learned and discovered in the real world. The addiction really limits us to such an extent where we become only a handful of thoughts spinning in the mind over and over suffocating the life out of us. We compromise our relationships with the people around us, we lose focus on our personal goals and objectives, we become ignorant to the issues that concern our community, our country, and we no longer see the state of this world and what is required to be done for this earth to survive and thrive so it could sustain us as well as the generations to come.

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Day 195: What does it mean to take responsibility for my mind?

https://i2.wp.com/media1.annabrixthomsen.com/2012/11/greatest_battle_is_in_the_mind_by_warrioronlydude.jpgWhen living and interacting with other people one inevitably faces situations of disagreement. It’s cool when the disagreement is communicated and sorted out immediately, but that doesn’t always happen and thus the story continues and grows into an alternate reality in one’s mind and so consequently influences the outer physical reality. This is caused through allowing oneself to participate in the mind which starts to form and grow into the inner battle which eventually manifests unpleasant consequences. I have been facing that a lot recently with my partner as she is here to be my immediate mirror of what I am allowing in my mind. Now I can see why throughout my life I preferred to be alone and not form any dependent/committed relationships as it gave me the “freedom” to move away from facing myself. Now that I have placed myself in this position to stay and remain and face my shit I am having a rough ride, because through this constant lifelong avoidance I have never learned to deal with other people and sort the problems in a constructive, effective manner. Some time ago I truly believed that I had the perfect approach to deal with difficulties. The specific way I have done that is by making within me the statement “it’s time for me to leave this place, I can feel that something is about to go wrong”.

Now that this “backdoor” is closed I am faced with myself where I can see how ineffective I am in dealing with any form of disagreement. In humbleness I admit now to myself that am I just like a baby learning to deal in self-honesty with other beings and all my thoughts that I have a tendency to hide or shape in a way to paint a different picture instead of absolute exposure and thus opportunity for true resolve.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the silence mode when and as I am facing disagreement with my partner where I am waiting for the point to be directed by my partner and where I claim within this that I don’t know how to direct the point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for distraction whenever the point is here to deal with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately search for backdoor to escape from disagreement not realizing how I am actually heading for another time loop where eventually I will arrive at the same point until I face it and direct it towards a solution which can stand in support of myself and others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to whenever any point of disagreement comes up where within that I have thoughts and reactions towards another being to not deal with the point/disagreement immediately but just brush it aside as insignificant not realizing within that how every other interaction with the same being will be now tainted and filtered through the thoughts that I had and haven’t sorted towards that being thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate the power of my thoughts even after seeing how a single thought can still determine my whole experience/mood during the day and so in this I am not standing focused, aware and determined to take on my living experience and correct it to the point where I am no longer influenced by energy but I make my decisions based only on the principle of what’s Best For All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a superior stance to my thoughts even when I see how they direct and influence my everyday living thus proving that they are actually superior to me thus I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand in equality to my thoughts and direct my thoughts as myself towards a solution

I commit myself to establish myself as the directive principle within everyday decisions where instead of being influenced by energy in how I deal with my practical living to walk in and as the breath where I am absolutely stable in each moment and so am able to live according to practical assessment of what is best for all in any given moment

I commit myself to give to any disagreement that happens in my reality my fullest attention and physically practically deal with it in the moment whether through speaking to another being or forgiving myself for any reactions that come up when and as I see my mistakes as actions made in self-interest

I commit myself to stop the delusion of hope within myself when and as I face disagreement within the perception that things will sort themselves out and become the director of my life with taking full self-responsibility for every fraction of the day

I commit myself to stop abdicating responsibility to other people to direct disagreements and realize that any point that I see is not in alignment with the principle of what is best for all in which i am a participant is absolutely my responsibility to direct and resolve until clarity is achieved

 

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Day 74: I want to change for real

 

Many of the writings I make come with great effort – the effort of thinking. So rather than seeing directly within myself as who I am, how I actually live and exist as I go into my mind to get the story. As a consequence all the self-forgiveness I do and self-corrective actions that I script for myself are not effective as they are not actually self-realized but thought up in the mind in hope that they will produce some results. My experience already shows that this is stupid and complete waste of time. Writing for the sake of writing, getting it done just to presents to myself and others apparently a self-responsible being is total deception simply prolonging the process of actual change.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to get angry and really pissed off with myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that each moment spent in self-deception bear the bitter fruit of consequence that I will have to eat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste most of my day on trivial things and dedicate only some time to actual self-investigation instead of realizing this process should be 24/7

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to devise escape mechanism throughout the day where they serve as tools to fuck myself to the point where after I can no longer bear the pain I only then begin self-movement indicating that I am still moving as energy from negative to positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for the shit to hit the fan until I can really move myself instead of finding the strength and will within to move constantly and consistently by creating for myself specific points of priority that need to be done throughout the day so that there would be no space for the mind to kick in and convince me that there is nothing to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring myself on halt whenever faced with some difficulty where I wait in hope for the miracle that will solve and remove my hindrances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on the outside influences to give me direction rather than becoming my own authority making the decision in each and every moment to act in the service of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself throughout my life always wait for orders/directions to move myself where I can see that I feel better within a controlled environment like my work place where the whole daytime is specifically managed with tasks that I have to perform and where within that I can be stable whereas when I am on my own I cannot find that self-will to do as much and remain stable within keeping the consistency of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the lack of self-discipline start from just a fraction of allowance to fall back where from here it grows into an acceptance as a new norm for being

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to remind myself in each moment about all the atrocities that exist in this reality and also remind myself that there just a bunch of beings within this existence that actually are taking the responsibility to do something about it and it’s certainly not the time to choose the ignorant side of humanity

I commit myself to start a new life where each day my priorities are specifically established and followed through where I commit myself to work as hard as I am working within the forced job in the matrix and much harder within realization that I am establishing something that is worthwhile and will contribute to the betterment of existence as a whole

I commit myself to identify all my trivial things that I spend my time on during the day and place them in the rightful place which is nothingness

I commit myself to establish a trustworthy relationship with myself where I could trust my spoken and written words as my commitments of action

I commit myself to become the authority of myself where all the parts as different personalities that I have separated myself into would yield to that authority and walk in equality and oneness the path of life

 

Artwork by Andrew Gable

Day 72: Living Communication

I have been recently communicating with my brother where within our conversations I usually find it rather challenging to stay in the breath and not to start judging or blaming my brother about his way of living. We do not communicate often but when we do we share quickly about the main points we are busy with in our lives. So all these points we are discussing fly quickly through my mind and what happens is that I lose myself within this vastness not being able to see clearly who I am within each point and how specific issues apply to the principle of LIFE that is best for all. There is certainly, as within the lives of most human beings on earth, most attention given to self-interest not considering the bigger picture of existence and our role within it, thus when I simply allow this type of communication to slip through without directing it in any measurable way it’s not great.

So what I noticed this time with my interaction is that I wasn’t really clear within my standing on the points being discussed. That’s where the fuck up start because usually in these moments I go one of the two ways I see possible: one is to mostly go with the conversation just like “nodding your head”  with what is being said to just make the conversation pass quicker or I try and spew some knowledge and information that I have read or heard somewhere but haven’t lived or tested this information for myself and I can’t rally stand for and as it. So yeah. It’s rather obvious that communication with self is of the utmost importance where I must specifically educate myself on all aspects of my reality so that I could stand in all situations that come my way and be able to direct them with clear common sense statements knowing exactly how the constructs work and how the change can be achieved most effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist communication with my brother because I do not trust myself that I will be able to stand absolutely within my principle of speaking and living only the words that are best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and fear challenging people’s believes and views on life based on my past interactions where I created mostly conflict and friction not realizing that I have been always coming from the starting point of knowledge and information which I haven’t lived and integrated within my own living but was more like projecting this knowledge unto others within the believe and desire that others must change before I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always get into the rush experience when interacting with another when the topic of discussion is not clear for me instead of slowing myself down and with mutual communication seek the directions that will be best for another as well as in alignment with what’s best for all

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself that I have the ability to slow myself down when having an interaction with another and within that specifically consider and see the points being discussed and find most effective solutions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within most of my past conversations with my brother as well as other beings I was imposing myself as an authority/dictator telling and teaching how one should live not realizing that no one will ever change and act in the interest of life unless one realizes himself the actuality of current accepted and allowed living

I commit myself to establish self-trust within communication where I no longer allow myself to just rush through my interactions with other beings to just be over with but instead slow myself down and actually listen to another’s words and living experiences to see and understand another’s position with specificity and within that having trust that there will be some kind of solution that can be applied

I commit myself to stop spewing knowledge and information onto other beings as a dictator and make sure that everything I say is coming directly from me and my own living realizations

Supportive related articles:

Day 21: Authority Game

Day 51: Speaking without Living – annoyed at others

Interview from EQAFE:

Day 19: Getting off the Clouds

 

I had an experience today where I judged another person for their actions with disapproval. After the interaction I was left with the feeling of heaviness where I wasn’t sure if what I did is right or wrong. I mean there was a reaction – that in itself is an indication that the interaction was energy based indicating mind participation. I couldn’t place a finger at the point exactly to name the game, so I used muscle communication to find a word that I could start my investigation with. So the word that came up is:

Charlatan: – someone who pretends to have special skills or knowledge to show disapproval

So that was quite specific, just again proving the beauty of utilizing muscle testing for self-support.

Seeing this word I realize that it’s definitely time for some self-honesty which will serve me well in bringing myself back to the ground from the illusionary cloud of grandeur that I created for myself through judging others and uplifting myself. Since starting the writing process I slowly but surely started increasing the value of myself, I used it as one point to define myself and did not consider the rest.

So I mean that’s cool, I managed to stay consistent in writing daily, but it is much more important to realize and understand that “what I do does not determine who I am”. That means that I can write nice sentences and be very cool with placing words and pretending as if I am really changing, but it’s much more important to see who I am in relation to these words, do I stand equal to what I write? Do I live my writing or am I just fooling and fucking myself empowering myself only as ego? The latter could very much be defined as a Charlatan.

Through these days of writing myself I noticed a peculiar thing – in the beginning when I just started writing I did it more for myself and after each writing I could feel a slight opening within myself where I saw quite clearly my current fuckupness. However I found that my realizations and ability to become open with myself started to diminish with each blog, yet the writing itself as the outer presentation was slightly improving. I was even praised for one of the blogs which I considered to be of the least value as there was no me in it, no living words, it was purely knowledge that I placed in a nice way. There was even a moment where I stopped myself when receiving the praise and thought whether I should mention that this blog has no living words in it but pure knowledge. I decided to remain silent as the conversation moved on to a different topic – so that is real shit as I see it now, because what happens is that by pretending to be someone I am not I create a gap between what is here as me and that illusionary self-presentation. That gives a wrong impression on other people and thus it is possible that a lot of unnecessary consequences may play out as the communication that flows from this point is not in alignment with what is here.

So here comes in my self-honesty to stop bullshitting myself and get real. Sure I cannot and will not allow any self-judgment as this is exactly what stopped me from writing in the past where within seeing how my ego is jumping in and taking whatever it can for own benefit I simply stopped myself from doing anything justifying that I do not want to do any harm. However this has led me nowhere as I wasn’t giving myself a chance to correct myself within realization that it’s alright to make mistakes as long as I am willing to learn the lessons and move on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change another through my idea of what process is and how it must be walked

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make assumptions when communicating with another and create energetic reactions based on these assumptions where I do not consider what implications my words may have on another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within conversation based on ideas and assumptions where I am not aware what I am actually creating instead of committing myself to actually investigate the total situation and only then present my viewpoint based on what’s best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak from energetic reaction not realizing that this indicates that I am not clear within myself about the point and thus I have to stop myself from further communication and do the necessary investigation within myself and also collect other relevant information to be able to participate in clarity where I make sure that my participation reflects in all ways the principle of acting only in ways that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only my own idea of reality when communicating with another instead of asking questions to improve my understanding about another’s position thus equalizing myself to the whole event or situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a charlatan pretending to know what’s best for another person without any real understanding as clearly shown within my energetic reaction instead of breathing in the moment of communication and asking questions to improve my understanding about the actions where the main emphasis is within seeing the starting point of all my actions as well as another’s – to make sure that all actions and their consequences are within consideration of all reality

Self-forgiveness on writing and my definition in regards to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of who I am based on what I do

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can write and post and share thousands of articles and books yet if there is no actual change and no living application of what I speak and write it’s all useless and thus I have to start all over again within realization that my writing must reflect specifically who I am and define in utmost detail how I should practically correct myself to become a better being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the point of writing where the primary consideration should be self-honesty and not just to get it done and move on

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by writing dead knowledge with only hope that someday I will live it I am not fooling anyone but myself where eventually I will have to rewrite everything within realization that that I have committed to writing for my own support

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that through self-dishonest writing I am separating myself further and further from who I am currently into an idea of myself thus losing the touch with the physical reality of myself also losing all self-directive control because I don’t really know who I am and what are my capabilities in this space and time

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop myself in the moment when I saw what I was doing by going further away from my self-honesty and correct myself by bringing myself back here and realign my starting point back to myself – I am doing this for myself and I am responsible for who I am in each moment and what I do does not prove anything about who I am

 

Thus I commit myself to stop myself whenever I see that I am going into separation from my physical reality into mind projections and ideas about myself – where I self-honestly admit to myself that I fucked myself and now have to go back and redo all the fuckups and do this every time until I realize that there are no shortcuts

I commit myself to write only livable/practical solutions for myself so that I do not create the gaps of delusion which are impossible to be fulfilled

I commit myself to not write in self-honesty as what is actually here as myself and stop myself immediately when I see that I am feeding my ego through writing words that uplift me by making me feel better about myself as if I have achieved something where in fact I am diminishing myself by creating time loops where I will inevitably will experience the down fall

 

I commit myself to stop my ideas and assumptions about other beings and their processes within realization that my focus should be on myself first and only when I have walked in complete clarity certain point can I suggest and support another based on what I have walked myself

I commit myself to do research before involving myself into debating certain point or if that is not possible in the moment then i only proceed with realization that I don’t know about the point that is presented and therefore I am here collecting all necessary information that allows me to act in absolute clarity

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Artwork by Ann Van Den Broeck

Day 15: Inflicting Pain in Relationships

Here I am continuing on my relationship patterns to reveal and expose who I was in the past and what I still carry with me into the present so that I could see clearly my mistakes and make sure it’s never ever repeated again.

Another view I want to look at is who I was through my history of relationships since my first long term relationship was over and I got my “freedom” I so desired. As it is usual I went, as everyone else does, through the break up depression which was gradual as me and my partner agreed to have casual sex sessions to make the break up less painful. So that was cool and it really worked where slowly but surely we both went our separate ways. It is amazing when I look now how much pain is experienced during relationship break ups – where there is usually one side that makes the decision as they are more or less over with the relationship, so for them it’s rather easy to make that decision, however the problem is that they do not consider another being at all and what is his/her position and state of mind in that moment. I mean the question that one who is “in control” in that moment can ask is: I am I really that desperate to run for my new energy fix or should I stay and make sure I take responsibility for the consequences that we both created by allowing ourselves to fall in LOVE?

So looking at myself and what I did from that moment is that I never again went into long-term relationships so that I wouldn’t create the attachment that leads to painful break downs. Instead I became hard and senseless being who didn’t allow feelings or ability to care for another but just have instant gratification within sex and be done with that. All my other partners I had since then where short term where I would I have sex once or twice and with first signs of any attachment formation I would flee as far as possible. What I did not realize then or maybe I did in a way is that even then I was causing a lot of pain by making a statement basically that I just used you for a while and now fuck off. I mean I never communicated clearly with another about my true intentions thus letting the believe form that my intentions are good, as I knew within myself that the truth would get me nowhere. I didn’t have many such encounters, I can count them on one hand, but still I suppose that I have seen what I am doing because I remember how during one of my such endeavors I to break up with a girl before having sex with her. She was at complete loss to understand what has happened but I am sure it was better that way. Of course I wasn’t completely honest and didn’t explain my reasons for the break up. However i later found that this has caused some pain to the girl as well. So  whether this was the cause or something else I simply stopped seeking any relationships, I mean I still desired and kind of tried to get sex, but wasn’t really going for it and eventually I just went into pornography and masturbation, unwilling to have anything to do with this hard work called relationships. Little did I know then that this activity is as harmful as any other – I am grateful that Desteni opened my eyes and I was able to see what I was actually doing. From here long and arduous process followed to stop that addiction as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider only my dick when entering a relationship where I never considered principles such as trust, or commitment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse the innocence of other beings to lure them into a trap that I have set to satisfy my desires not considering the pain that I will cause

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my true intentions of simply using another to satisfy my desires where I never gave a second thought about what that could mean for another being in their current life or in the future

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so obsessed with picture presentation of girls whom I used for my self-satisfaction that I became completely blind to who they are as living beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a coward who never faced the consequences of my actions where each time after I broke the relationship I would simply disappear without any explanation of where I stand leaving another being in the dark

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my actions because apparently I never told any girls about wanting a long-term relationship yet not considering that I never told the truth of my actual intensions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my actions by believing that I live in the moment where I don’t make any plans for the future thus getting the permission by myself to use and abuse another with the consequence of inflicting pain and probably hatred towards males that possibly could cause distorted future relationships and maybe even the whole life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever stop and considered how my each word and deed is affecting other lives

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to ever question the accepted ways of how people from whom I learned as examples enter and break the relationships

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to use my own common sense in seeing how I was participating within relationship and within that finding ways how to correct the damage I have causes and prevent it from happening again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue my participation within this abusive pattern within the desire to score higher numbers of partners that I had

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good and be proud of myself whenever I would use and abuse another girl where I would boast about it to my friends and show them how I don’t give a fuck about the girl anymore

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my participation within that was very much fueled by my desire to be a winner, just to prove to myself that I am able to do it where sex was my reward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my evil life of relationships by comparing myself to “more evil” ones and hold the believe that I was the good guy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is possible to actually care for another being and create a supportive relationship with clear communication, respect for self and another

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is possible to create a relationship as a space where real beings can come together to express themselves in full trust of each other, without any fear of being vulnerable and open towards each other and where true intimacy can be born

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is not necessary to fight or try to win within a relationship but that it’s actually possible to walk as equals supporting each other to learn, expand and grow as real human beings where we get to know our existence and our place within it where me make sure that what we both are having/creating is something that will benefit the future for those who will come to this earth after we leave

 

 

I commit myself to stop all judgment to myself based on my past and thus I release my past unconditionally within the commitment that I will investigate and live new ways of relationship formation where I make sure that my relationship that I create stands within this world as an example of how to support each other through effective communication where all card are always laid on the table so that all would be transparent without any secrets that could ruin the trust and ability to be intimate with each other

I commit myself to form my relationship in a way that is aligned with the principles of life where our participation within the relationship reflects the honoring and respect of all life on earth

I commit myself to make my agreement stand in the service of life where no self-interest exists but interest and consideration for all life on earth and this existence and where I am able to pass the principles of this agreement confidently to those who will follow me after I am gone trusting that if I come back to this earth i will be supported unconditionally by those who follow the same principles

 

Extremely supportive articles on relationship formation: Failed Relationships; Do you Love Breakups?

For more support on personal questions visit Desteni Forum

For stuctured support with personal Buddies that will guide you into becoming the best you can be within your relationship with yourself and another sign for the Agreement Course

 

Some Supportive Interviews that You just can’t Miss

Day 14: My Relationship was a Factory of Energy Production

A few nights ago I had a dream of which the details I cannot recall, yet the only point that is certain is that the main character participating together with me within some kind of adventures in the dream was my ex-girlfriend. Even though my relationship ended almost around 8 or 9 years ago there are still occasional thoughts and memories coming up about her. That was my first and only serious long term relationship that I ever had. Since this relationship ended I never committed myself to go on the same “journey” again, as I didn’t like the emotional turmoil that such relationship involves. Either way this relationship is like my main platform from which arises the patterns of my sexual expression as well as all the patterns of communication and interactions within other intimate relationship that I formed throughout my life as well as my current agreement. So I see that it is crucial for me to disconnect the ties derived from the past where according to them I have defined myself and I still live that definition very much in my current agreement when I move and act in moments of unawareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the past alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the past within the believe that it was great

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that all the memories I have from the past are only positive memories within that I fool myself into believing that what I had was great

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that my past relationship was based only on self-interest where I never really cared for another being but simply was concerned what I can get from the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the relationship just because of how my girlfriend looked while I had resistance to everything else she represented

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value only on picture presentation of another being where I allowed myself to be brainwashed by media where I programmed myself with the believes and ideas of what beautiful is and what should be strived for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a winner when I got a girl that is considered beautiful by society and where I felt proud of myself for being the one that she chose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself on the other hand to be ashamed of my girlfriend because she was not fitting the standards of intelligence that my mother has set

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at my mother for telling me that my relationship was only short term and that it  won’t  last long even though I could see myself  that my relationship is only based on sex and energy which I knew can last only for so long

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost within myself when after the energy ran out within the relationship I was left only with a being that was dependent on me and who having now served the purpose of making me happy was no longer necessary

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, understand and realize the nature of relationships and the consequences that manifested if I allow myself to be driven by energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after the energy ran out within my relationship still keep the relationship going because of my inability to take responsibility and speak the truth instead I continued to drag the relationship where within that I attempted to create energy by manipulating my girlfriend where I would threaten to leave her thus making her cry which made me feel good as there was a supply of energy for the vampire that was me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I was abusing a being to satisfy my addiction to energy and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear taking responsibility where I didn’t know how to stop the relationship to which I was also in a way addicted as I have defined myself through the experiences that we had together

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the mechanics of consequences for participating in energy of the mind as seen clearly in my relationship where the initial excitement was fueling my mind consciences personality with new energy supply that I used to run my systems where the main ingredient within that is Pictures as moments turning to memories and in time I created the database which has defined who I am in relation to these pictures – suddenly when the energy runs out within the relationship I am fucked as the castle that I build can no longer be sustained because there is simply no more energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of relationships after my first relationship where I decided to not have any more long-term relationships again because I did not want to experience the fall out of Love again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the real truth of me within the context of relationship was revealed after the energy ran out and I was standing there without energy trying to make decisions

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that in reality I was uncaring and ignorant energy addict who did not give a fuck about another being within a relationship if that another did not provide me with energy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that being in love within a relationship is the same as having a well-functioning factory of energy production where the energy is used to fuel the idea of myself as who I want to be where who I want to be is completely based on my systematic programming from school, peers, family, media that is all in complete separation and ignorance of the actual reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that my ability to create this well-functioning factory of energy production is completely based on my position within the system as the money that is available and other circumstances and where I never considered that most people in this world have no access to these resources and thus are unable to experience “love”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by me forming this energy factory I am fueling not only my own personal mind system but also the total system where i ensure its continuation though energy supply not realizing that this systems is faulty in itself and is providing for only a few select beings while the rest suffer

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s possible to have a relationship that is not based in energy but in real practical support and consideration of each other where through that I no longer support the system that is unequal in providing for all

Thus within that I commit myself to no longer participate and create relationships based on my happiness defined by the amount of energy I get to fuel who I think I am as well as this whole system but I commit to from now to remain stable, here, not requiring energy to move myself and where I consider the totality of this system and how it functions

I commit to stop using energy to fuel my mind bubble within realization that this mind bubble is only a constituent of the system that is abusive and unequal in nature thus I stop supporting it through stopping my participation in my thought/feelings/emotions and I work as a real practical being within realization that this system has to be changed and transformed into a system that supports all beings on earth equally by providing the resources of the earth for all as earth is giving these resources unconditionally for all so that all could enjoy our experience here

I commit to work on self-education on how to create relationship not based on energy and within that become an example for all lovers out there to show that fulfillment and real happiness is possible simply by caring about another without using them as energy extraction wells

I commit to stop the recreation of my past within my current relationships where I stop participation in my memories as if they are something to be valued within realization that I am only viewing the positive side of my past and do not consider the consequences that such actions bring

I commit myself to work on each memory that comes up within me where I identify the nature of the memory and within that I unleash myself from the memory so that I would be able to live here as a new being creating a new world with a new foundation within realization that all of the old has to go as it was never here to support all life

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