Day 301: Back to Self-Acceptance

It’s been a while since my last blog because I cleverly managed to convince myself that it’s ok to take some time off from writing and focus on other stuff. That other stuff was “preparing for tomorrow” but it never came so I finally realize that today is the day that I have to get back to this awesome habit of writing, expressing and sharing myself. I can see now the consequence of not doing this – i spend way more time in the mind trying to think what to write instead of simply sharing me as i am.

When i look why this big hesitation to share myself i see that – well the thing is i don‘t really like myself and only recently i saw a glimpse of how much judgment i have suppressed within me, towards me and towards others. This i came to realize by waking up to the fact that judgment became the primary point i was seeing in others and also became quite reactive to it (red flag). I remember the words of Bernard Poolman: “you become that which you see in others“. So yes i found that I was hiding from myself in plain sight while actually knowing this whole time the reality of me but just not really wanting to admit it and still holding onto the belief that tomorrow I will find a solution.

So, again, there is no tomorrow, and I made an agreement with myself to start one step at a time, however small it is.

self-expression-paulo-zerbato

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Day 170: “I am not good enough” – Introduction

 

So the point I am facing now is my communication and how I am not really placing myself in the position of facing myself. Meaning that I always choose ways and methods of living my life that do not require sticking out because in this case I will really face myself. So instead I chose the “safe” way where I stand in the background silently whispering who I am and what I stand for, hoping that no one really hears me and pays much attention, but interestingly enough I am wanting attention at the same time, of course only positive one. This is really big point for me and I see that it will require some work to do to get out of this loop that I existed for my whole life.

So here the major point that I am resisting is-  being active in conversations/interactions on the internet or live where I would basically get involved with other people. I mean I attempted to do that, a more active participation a few times but when faced with something I didn’t know I would be taken aback and close myself again into my little “shell” where I would remain “preparing” to come back again. Slowly but surely however this “shell” became my permanent home that I resisted to leave whenever any opportunity would come.

Now to name this charACTer that I play here – it would be “I am not good enough” character. And so living this character I have never allowed myself to really try and get myself out there and face my shit and within that expand and grow through allowing myself to make mistakes, correct them and simply expand and unlimit myself from this believe that I am not good enough.

So now my goal to look at this character and determine all the dimensions that are involved in keeping this character in tact to thus be able to release myself from this accepted charACTer realizing that I am actually capable to change and become more than I am currently.

In this blog I will start with the outline of one dimension of how I exist as this character and from there investigate and write in more specificity this dimensions of the character where I become aware of the whole creation process which in turn will allow me and empower me to make the choice to change myself, because at the moment all the various processes that are involved in manifesting this character operate in automation and I am completely clueless about this creation thus I have no ability to change/ stop the existence of this character.

Let’s begin…

 

The FEAR dimensions of the character “I am not good enough”

 

Fear of being judged

Fear of making mistakes

Fear of confrontation/people

Fear of losing myself and that which I know

Fear of not being able to handle the truth of me

Fear of losing free choice

Fear of the responsibility

 

I will continue tomorrow with self-forgiveness and self-correction for the parts of fear dimension

 

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