Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am

 

Norvz-Austria-Makes-Time-Stand-StillThis comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.

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Day 261: Resistance to do the Real Investigation

Today reading and doing some research I see how I am allowing myself to get into things superficially without going deeper to find the real underlying information that is the actual design of everything. That is mostly due to a busy mind that keeps jumping from point A to point B in a racy manner. I liked the Osho when he explained once that instead going from A to B we should try and go A; A1; A2… so it’s like taking the point and understanding it for real into the depth of it until we get to another point.

So when the mind gets out of control and won’t stop racing i found for myself that it’s cool to start observing it at night when lying down for a night’s sleep, when I close my eyes I do the assessment of what is happening within me. Sometimes it’s like a 100 movies playing at once, too overwhelming and one can feel hopeless in attempting to stop the show, yet the key is to realize that these thoughts are not me, I am the awareness observing these thoughts and thoughts have the power only through my allowance and acceptance of them as myself. Breathing and remaining here with the physical touch is amazingly supportive in these moments where eventually the thoughts start to quiet down and some silence descends. Yes it feels like descending, coming back to earth from endless imaginative, opinionated dimensions of consciousness

So the point is bringing Self back Here in each moment to face reality as it is, without interpretation and the system of filtering where our filters are the knowledge and information passed to us from our parents and programmed further by our mentors. I mean I see it on myself, all that stuff I have learned throughout my life is just a baggage which hinders me, makes me absolutely ineffective to deal with my life. The older I grew the more stuff I was learning and the further away I felt I am going from that which matters. Nowhere in the education system or at home or anywhere else I was taught how to deal effectively with the challenges I faced later in life. I was taught only the theory of life which is presented as somebody wants it to be but not what exists practically for real. Nobody wants to talk about the underlying factors that truly control this existence, I mean all the nasty stuff that is here in the minds, the thoughts of each human being which DO direct the decisions and events. So that, kind of, explains the “natural” resistance that appears when starting to go deeper and doing the real, practical research on how this world and how my mind in relation to the world really works.

The natural tendency is just to accept the existing data without questioning it, like I was taught in school, where any paper should only be a collection of already existing sources and preferably the ones that are accepted as truth by the public authority. Critical thinking somehow didn’t have space in it all, a child is never considered of, maybe, having his own ability to see the common sense and contribute as equal to the process of education.

So it’s like you are born whole into this world and then slowly but surely through all these processes you are diminished and molded into some limited personality completely dependent on all the information that you have been exposed to and programmed as. I mean One of the first things I was told when I started to understand people around me was that I was born in sin and now I am a lesser being and this was the foundation upon which I was building my life. So from the very beginning I was denied the opportunity to stand as equal to everything else here.

The saddest part is that all of this is allowed to continue and nobody seems to noticed the consequences that are already in our face. I mean just today I have been invited to attend another baptizing event within my family to which I had to politely say NO by stating that I do not allow the repetition of the same mistakes that was done unto me. I do not support the old ways that are proved to be ineffective and absolutely destructive to all life. How about investigating, slowing down the mind and doing the damn research A; A1; A2… and so understanding what are we actually accepting and allowing within each point of our living and what the consequences of this are.

A Prayer for Humanity

 

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Day 260: Dangers of the Confined Mind-Space

 

The pattern of communication has been one of the most prominent points in my life and I am still in the process of figuring out how do I manage to shut myself so completely within moments when I know that I must push myself and face my fears.

The problem begins when during a conversation there comes a point of some conflict and instead of pushing myself to communicate and get to the point of clarity I shut myself down completely into the space of my mind and there I am attempting to sorts things out on my own, trying to get clarity on what is happening. I go over and over through the points trying to see what is the best way to proceed but still I find myself unable to find and define the problem and so I just remain in the safe zone in my mind where I put on the walls that grow bigger and bigger with each passing moment. From here the movement becomes especially difficult and even though I realize that the best time to deal with the problem, to speak up, is right now I still accept and allow the consequences to build to the point where it becomes a matter you can say it of “life or death”.

So this is a repeating pattern that I have been working on and it has been slightly improving where I move myself, through the greatest resistance, to deal with the situation sooner. Yet at some instances the resistance is still great and I remain inactive for a bit longer, yet I am not allowing myself to remain possessed until somebody else comes to pick me up.

I see this point is completely unacceptable after spending so much time around it, it cannot last forever and the line must be drawn where as I said I have arrived at the point of either you live or you die. The choice is obviously mine to make. So what it’s going to be Arvydas? Well I am making and living the decision to snap out of this preprogrammed behavior and change into a human being that has the guts to remain in whatever storm and deal with it to the best of my ability.

I have been around and lived with beings that are the best examples of how to live in self-responsibility in each moment. At Desteni I have been shown and assisted how to sort myself out and it’s time to show some gratitude by living the solution.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confrontation when things get tough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when communication gets tough to program myself to hide in the space of my mind instead of standing stable, unconditionally releasing all my ego defenses and then working together with another being towards a solution that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can sort things out in my mind by disregarding the actual situation that is here where in this I am not considering another being that is in direct conversation with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this type of behavior was learned when I was still a child where I would hide within myself whenever my parents would attack me for something that I have done, yet not having the proper vocabulary and skills to talk back I would simply shut down within myself until the parents would feel bad about what they have done and would get back to me with apologies

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am no longer a child and that I am more than capable to deal with all situations as an equal where in this I realize that I take full responsibility and stand accountable for all my actions thus I have nothing to fear or defend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I close my eyes and run away from the problems they will automatically resolve not realizing how each unresolved point is simply layering and remaining within me and further influences all the interactions within my reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to, unconditionally, let myself out from the deep end of the confined space within the mind into the external reality where in this I allow myself to see myself, I allow myself to not fear making mistakes and I allow myself to develop the self-trust

I commit myself to stand up by stopping the preprogrammed mind run its course and develop self-direction no matter how big is the resistance to just remain as I always was

 

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Day 225: Silencing Myself into Action

Continuing from the previous blog where, in short, I identified myself as being an intense talker about stuff that I want to do and achieve but when the time for real physical actions comes and where I have to stand for the words that I spoke – there is nothing of substance coming out. So here I place for myself the process of self-forgiveness where I release myself from the past and then design and structure a new path by writing self-corrective actions which I am willing to live an apply. Here you can view my previous blog for more detail on the problem that I am facing here Day 224: Talking Myself Away

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in what is known the “substitution”, a well-known psychological effect which means that by announcing your goals to people one gets psychological satisfaction from that and the realization of these goals in actual reality becomes less likely

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop myself participating in this behavior even after I noticed the consequences of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my compulsion to always talk to people about my plans/goals is in any way beneficial even after years of physical prove that it greatly diminishes my real actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in sharing my plans/goals with other people I am being an open human being setting the example of how to be honest and open about how I live my life not realizing within that how I am actually wasting my breath just to a feel good experience instead of setting a real example of producing physical results in my world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have another belief that if/when I share my goals/plans with other people and if I get positive response from them that will make it more likely for my plans/goals to manifest in physical reality without realizing how I was actually only mining for energy to fuel my mind alternate reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to initiate more physical actions and learn within the process by allowing myself to make mistakes and correct them and so learn and move myself within physical reality instead of living in the mind projecting, planning, hoping, that things will manifest but they never did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the responsibility to take actions and in that justify the sharing/talking to people as seeking expertise/suggestions where it was all along the goal only to get my psychological satisfaction of apparently doing something by all means avoiding real actions that I found too arduous to initiate and continue

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and oversee the whole process of the goals I wanted to accomplish and within that becoming scared and discouraged by the amount of efforts that I saw needs to be put in instead of walking the process step by step from the beginning with patience and determination to achieve my goals no matter what it takes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how in the long term, by wasting my words into air without any physical prove to show the validity of my words, I have lost all self-trust in actually getting something done where I began to see myself as constant failure ready to take another and another fall

When and as I see myself wanting to participate in this type of behavior, where I announce to others my goals and plans before I have walked any physical actions to see the reality of what I am talking about, I stop myself and breathe, I realize that if I continue to participate in this behavior I am reducing my chances to get anything done and so I simply remain silent and make sure that my goals are actually physically walked with patience step by step where in this I am able to describe and explain in detail the whole process that has been walked

I realize the consequences of participating in this behavior as it has been tested over and over by myself and within that I commit myself to stop wasting any words if I am not ready to stand accountable for them up to the end

In this I also commit to not become the opposite polarity of this behavior where I close myself completely from anyone finding out what I am doing and instead become my own directive decision maker where the main principle goal remain successful completion of my goals I have set for myself

I commit myself to utilize the tool of writing the goals/plan I am setting for myself to within that get as much information and insight as possible in to the matter thus enabling myself to make the best decisions within each step

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Day 144: Background Noise – be gone!!!

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself through a variety of background noises that I create to not hear the “silence” of me inside myself in the form of thoughts, backchats that I exist in and as on a daily basis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist looking directly into myself and so create a variety of background noises as backdoors that I use in the moments when I see something I don’t like to see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mind reality as bad/negative and thus whenever I tap into it I start searching for the opposite polarity and so here I go into this background noise that serves as the positive polarity where I can balance the equation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is no escaping who I am and that having these backdoors is only delaying the process of facing me and also making it more difficult as more layers in time are created through the consequence of avoidance/postponement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see my lack of willingness to change and resistance to destroy the comfort zone that I have created for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am moving endlessly between the polarities of positive and negative being completely dependent on my moods that define me and my whole participation in my reality instead of becoming a being that is always HERE stable, breathing in awareness and always moving in absolute self-direction making choices that honor life in all ways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how by allowing a single thought of self-distraction and then actual participation in it is producing a pattern which is now easier and easier to fall into – if it is not stopped in the moment of its birth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slowly but surely make something, that does not support me as life, make ok and then wait for the consequence/prove to show me what I am doing instead of stopping the pattern right now and here so avoiding the consequence as much as possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how my existence with such patterns reflects the whole state of humanity where we all realize and understand what are we doing to ourselves and this planet yet we continue within ignorant bliss until shit hits the fan and we are all fucked for good

 

I commit myself to investigate all the backdoors that I have built  for myself and within finding one implement the tools of deletion to thus move myself to the only place worth moving myself which is self-honesty in every breath

I commit myself to stop the judgment of myself as negative or positive to thus ground myself here and become stable in my everyday living where I move through self-made decisions that are best for life not being directed by the mind energy

I commit myself to realize that any decision for life that I find difficult to make will be even more difficult if I postpone or delay it

I commit myself to realize that when I do not stop the core patterns of self-interest that I am allowing in my reality I will experience consequences that will continue to manifest and distract my attention from any real change

I commit myself to stand tall in front of all people that I meet in my reality and be the prove of possible change

 

Day 143: Constant Noise as preoccupation

 

Here I am looking into the pattern that I got into for some time now where something always has to play in the background while I am doing tasks on my computer. When there is silence and I am left only with myself I know that there is no way to distract my attention and I will have to really go deeper into the tasks I am doing.  This is especially relevant during writings and investigations I am doing about myself. So that shows my resistance to go deeper into myself and see who I really am.

So the problem is now that when I am facing some point I can just quickly focus my attention away into the background noise that I have created for myself which keeps me floating on the surface.

The silence of breathing and just being here – surely that will create the opening into myself and surely I will see myself more clearly and surely I will find a lot of shit which surely will make me sick and surely I will have to really change to heal myself from this sickness. So in the end its fear of change or rather the desire to keep myself unchanged and continue my life as is – which is shit basically, yet there is energy and some feel good experiences by which I define myself and don’t want to let go.

I can already see that there are some big issues for me to face once I shut down my defense mechanisms. Yet I see it has to be done – enough is enough. There is a line to avoidance and this endless cycling around is not actually endless. It all end in death but this is obviously not necessary and we can all actually make the decision at any point in time to stop the cycles and enter the new road of actual change.

Breathing and self-honesty is the key. Through self-honesty I can see in each moment what I am actually doing and I can see what I have to do and then actually doing it, at the same time forgiving my past deeds ensuring the establishment of real practical correction.