Day 302: Direction

In my previous blog I touched on the point of judgment which I was able to identify first of all through seeing that in others and later realizing how much of it I have stored within myself.

So now I started looking at how I have gotten myself in this position, where it is coming from and also what solutions can be applied. It seems like I am existing in a big mix of subtle emotional experiences that prevent any real movement. There is a lot of resistance to even start the process of understanding what is truly happening and confusion in figuring out where to begin. In this way the whole time I spend trying to maintain some form of stability which in the end is simply accumulating into inevitable repetition of the same old patterns I have been living in the past. Surely this makes sense because if I am not the directive principle of my life then I give all the responsibility to my automated mind systems to create the same stuff that’s always been created in the past. In this way of course I am heading for yet another cycle and I definitely see this progression where even in my relationship with my new partner I can already see old patterns emerging which I have promised to myself I will never repeat.

The emotional experience that comes within all this is anxiety. Even though it is very subtle it is still there and in a way it is like an indication that I do not have the necessary self-trust to get through these old patterns and really change. And that is understandable because I have in a way betrayed myself many times when I promised to myself and committed to do something and yet I failed by not pushing myself enough. So this anxiety is like a knowing that I am going to repeat myself and make the same mistakes once more. I do know, like probably most of us, where this path leads and how painful the consequences can be if I do not stand by my decisions to change the direction I am going.

I had an interesting dream when I started looking at this point of direction where in this dream I found myself in a familiar place, it was a big crossroad. I knew that I have been here many times before and I had a memory of how this road looked before whereas now it was rather different, a little bit more complex with more roads connected to it and also a different setup. When standing there, or rather during the moment of reaching this crossroad I had a few moments to decide upon the direction to take and I chose the road on the left side which I joyfully recognized as the road I have been always taking. Also interesting to note that in the back there was a presence of my mother which for me is associated with such words as safety, support, and familiar. Further in the dream I remember experiencing this anxiety I was talking about and I have also seen how this anxiety creates the experience of rushing in my reality because I create another set of believes like “the times is running out”. This again is not of any assistance in my process because I start thinking about all the things I have to do, become overwhelmed by all that and end up doing nothing – which is exactly this old road I have travelled down so many times before. I know where it ends and that’s not where I want to be.

Crossroads-600x355

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself with all the thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of slowing down and realizing that I cannot solve everything at once and that I have to start with a single point, the tip of the iceberg and slowly work my way towards deeper understanding and self-discovery

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anxiety when and as I see myself moving in a direction where I know that I am most likely going to repeat the same old patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of rushing when and as I start experiencing anxiety wherein I create the idea that I am late, I need to move faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how within this experience of rushing I am trying to move as fast as possible and in this I lose all touch with myself and become totally overwhelmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, understand and realize the simplicity of the process as the consistency of daily self-application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the enjoyment and the excitement of self-discovery where instead I have convinced myself that self-investigation is hard work

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dreams within the belief that I am not able to change them instead of realizing the supportive nature of dreams to show the consequences of my accepted patterns if I choose to continue living them

 

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself creating an emotion of overwhelmingness to stop, take a breath and realize that all I have to be concerned about is working with one point at a time and as long as I am consistent in my daily application

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in anxiety about repeating old patterns, stop myself, breathe and realize that my anxiety is a consequence of many failures and thus it will take time to rebuild trust in myself by proving to myself that I can stand by my decisions and also to make sure I do not make the mistake of trying to live up to big decisions but begin with small seemingly insignificant moments within understanding that the big things consist of many small ones

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the experience of rushing within the thoughts that I am late, I need to move faster, stop myself, breathe and realize that through this experience I am not really seeing where and how I am moving and I am much more likely to move into my old patterns of behaviour where I lose touch with myself, my body and thus I slow down and focus myself on specific points that I decide to work on

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the resistance to write and apply myself by having the idea that this is hard and difficult stop myself, breathe and remind myself that when I am moving slowly and when I am focused I am actually finding out a lot about myself and even though it’s not always pleasant it is actually refreshing and enjoyable

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself fearing my dreams, stop myself and realize that dreams are here to support me and in many cases are cool warning signs of what will happen if I do not change and that I am actually able to change what I have seen towards a different direction through self-directive self-application

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