Day 298: Depression and Hopelessness

89740033-1Reading the news about world affairs, watching documentaries related to the extent of abuse happening globally it’s not difficult to become somewhat emotional and slip into a negative mind state where it seems that there is no possible solution to the mess that is here. I catch myself going into a state of indifference and hopelessness. This in turn starts manifesting within all my actions and my behavior and after a short while my reality also stops moving until I allow myself to remain in that state of mind.

I the past I would always allow that negativity within me to build and accumulate to a very high degree from where I would go into all kinds of self-sabotaging behavior patterns until I reach the rock bottom and then I have to start all over again.

It’s amazing how in the beginning there is this one small moment of resistance that requires a relatively small push to move oneself through that negativity into action and then how this resistance, if not confronted, grows and spreads like a virus taking into possession the whole body and mind until I get to a state where I just sit in front of the computer absolutely blank and all my attempts to study or read or write something amount to nothing. One thing that can definitely be observed in all of this is the speed of mind, the thoughts and the reactions as well as physical movements which are rapid and hasty. There is usually some big thoughts, as imagination, running in my mind of all the things I should do, the future I should aim to create. Yet none of that is realistic for the current moment that I am in because I what I need now is the next best step to get myself out of the possession.

Now, the solution that seems to be effective is to begin a new day from a scratch where I plan the day’s activities, also if possible getting some assistance from a friend who can be supportive within those activities. If there is no one around that’s fine also as long as I move myself to act and do the things I have planned for myself. In planning the day I simply look around at what needs my attention, for example I have been putting off the need to sort the little things about my car because I can see how these little things left undone keep lingering in the mind as a reminder of what has to be done. So I am sure most people have these small things accumulated in their minds that are placed into the compartment of postponement deemed as not so necessary, because, I mean “there are much bigger problems in the world that need attention”.

Having started with all the little things the movement comes back and here it’s important to nurture and continue with that movement and so get to other things without allowing the possession to return back again. I mean, having allowed this indifference for a while has manifested the consequence and it will require some pushing to do to get out of it, there is probably no way around it. Here I basically stand with a decision that I make within myself – to go on with living and search for solutions. First the solutions on a personal level and then expand further and see where else I can participate and thus contribute to change. I mean there are so many ways that one can direct ones energy towards change that it’s absolutely unacceptable to go into that state of hopelessness. Especially when there are all the means available to do that. In today’s world where the one that has the access to the internet, access to the clean water and has a roof over the head is the one that must take responsibility and use those means to contribute to a change, especially when there are so many of us that are completely abandoned and live on the outskirts of the system trying to survive on a daily basis. Yes the world system doesn’t make sense in many ways, the corruption and self-interest if sky high, still there is nothing else to do but to search for solutions instead of giving up or living the lie.


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Day 247: Missing Life of Awareness through the Process of Automation

This point of absolute unawareness has been coming more frequently these days where in the newspapers we read stories of crimes committed, even by children, where after the incident people have absolutely no clue what and how it happened. In this a great concern arises as the factor of unpredictability is rapidly increasing and one can only guess when something bad can happen. To understand this phenomenon it’s enough to look at our own lives and see similar instances where we do something without any awareness but purely within automatic mode of movement.

I really became concerned on this topic after one event that happened to me at my house. I was lying comfortably in my bed when I decided to go and get the scissors so that I could cut my nails. I was keeping the scissors always in a specific place on my table. So I stood up from the bed and walked towards the table to get the scissors but to my huge surprise nothing was there. I still kept looking around for a while but eventually I gave up and simply walked back to my bed where to my, another, bigger, surprise I saw the scissors already lying by the pillow. That means only that I have already walked, just now, to the table and got them and have put them on my bed, yet this whole event was done in such an automatic mind state that I couldn’t remember anything. So that gave me quite a huge fright making me think how much more I might be missing but not finding it out as I did now. I even asked myself the question whether one day when the time to die will be close I will “wake up” and see that I have missed my entire life. I mean I hear that a lot from old folks, so is this my faith as well?

So what it is that drives the boat in these instances when we are not here? The automatic Mind as we programmed it in time. Now what determines the programing, the input that is placed into our minds? Everything – the parents from the day we are born, television since we are allowed to spend endless hours in front of it, the knowledge and information of those that’s gone before us in the schools, all the friends and acquaintances that we interact with on a daily basis. So now it’s a matter of coincidence what we are exposed to within our environment – when we are born our parents can be alcoholics having endless fights with each other – already here we can determine/predict what the outcome/life of child born into these circumstances will be, what behavior programs will determine and direct all the choices and decisions of this little being in the future and we can also predict what will the whole life on earth be like, as that child is a part of the whole.

I remember when I had a temporary job as a taxi driver in my town, this was an amazing opportunity to meet people that I normally would never meet as we humans have the tendency to remain within the circle/bubble of people that are alike us. Yet working this job I faced many social groups and in this was my first shock of how some people, and here, especially my emphasis was on children, that had absolutely dysfunctional parents. I was raised in a normal family, having all the necessary support and understanding and also some common sense approaching “life” in general. Yet here I started meeting people with absolutely distorted view on reality and the saddest things is that they had children, who had no choice but to be with those people/parents, learn from them and eventually become like them. Here I am talking mostly about families that were heavily into alcoholism or drugs, or some type of mischievous behavior. I had a few opportunities to interact with those children where they shared with me their experiences and this made me depressed for a while as I didn’t see any solution in sight for how to make sure that these children do not follow in the footsteps of their parents. When I looked into it there was nothing that could be done – there are no appropriate institutions that could determine the quality of specific families and in case of seeing the existent disharmony take the children away and provide with what’s best for them. That doesn’t exist in this system. If the family has some money and if they are not beating the brains out of their children – they are allowed to keep them. I mean they are allowed to give birth in the first place without having any assessment by some professionals of some “quality life assessment for future children agency”. No, don’t have that.

So there are no guarantees that when you come into this earth you will have a sound life, where you will be embraced fully as a new life entering this world to enjoy, express and contribute in your own individual way to this reality.

I mean that’s WHY having faced all that and not seeing any solution in sight, not even seeing that anyone would even talk or be concerned about it, I embraced fully the proposal of Equal Money System where such simple things as QUALITY LIFE would become a Human Right for all.

Who can disagree that an innocent child entering this reality does not deserve to be in the best possible conditions to experience life on earth? There is a following statement in the proposed BILL OF RIGHTS within Equal Money Foundation:

3. An Equal Right of Safety and Security for every Child, so that a life free of fear, insecurity and trauma is assured, a life in which parental guidance is balanced with freedom of expression and lived within an environment of creativity and joy so that every Child grows into his or her utmost potential as a unique expression of Life Itself.

We all know that this must become a reality, that there is no excuse for the suffering of children and we have to finally meet and agree on basic points where we all could stand UNITED.


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Day 46: Self-Image Issues


I have seen many people having issues with self-acceptance in relation to self-image, the picture presentation of self. I could very much relate to that but mostly in regards to the expression of self but not exactly the self-judgment based on looks. Yet I have seen today the point clearly within myself where I found myself very uncomfortable with how I look. I have been doing a vlog, filming myself on camera and so when I watched back the recording I was not satisfied and couldn’t really recognize myself. That shows that I have an idea about myself that I have created in my mind and what happened now is this idea was tested in the physical. Obviously there was a gap between what I thought about myself and how I actually am.

I realize and experience even some self-judgment about the stupidity of participating in such ridiculous mindfuck. Today I watched a movie about Sudan and how people are living there. It’s a constant struggle for survival and the levels of abuse of children is unbelievable. Just for a moment placing self in the shoes of people living there one can see how insignificant and stupid it is to have ever participated in such delusions as self-image and how one looks etc. It’s so irrelevant in the face of reality.

So it’s really just about stepping out of the bubble and opening the doors within self to let reality in – where within that many irrelevant and completely absurd mind created issues can fall away.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas within myself about how I look and when my ideas do not match the reality to feel bad about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how irrelevant and stupid it is to exist in self-judgment about the way I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be brainwashed by magazines, movies, cartoons etc. where they program about the values of different physical appearances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place more value on some physical appearances not realizing that within that I am becoming one and equal to the system of abuse that separates and categorizes people not realizing the effect it has on the human mind and thus the physical

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that through this system that separates people according to how they look many dysfunctions are created in the human behavior where each is trying to become more in the eyes of the system by alternating in various way their physical appearance without considering the harm that is done to their bodies and to other people as well as all other forms of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek an idea of beauty without taking self-responsibility and investigating what is the actual price of this idea of beauty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be concerned with how I look when every 5 seconds a child dies somewhere and within that not see the complete absurdity of what I am participating within


I commit myself to expose the destructiveness of being focused on our picture presentation of ourselves instead

I commit myself to expose and reveal that money and profit is the only determinant of how we live and make our decisions

I commit myself to establish a new economic system where profit has no place and where people will be motivated by curiosity of what life can actually become when money and profit are no longer the dictators

Day 42: Who am I within Seeing Abuse in this World

Seeing the abuse that is happening in the world through movies, stories I read in the papers, through other people who share their experiences it is really bad. Getting emotional about it doesn’t change a thing; I only fool myself pretending that I am still “alive”, that I can still feel for others suffering. Yet the next moments when I turn away from the abuse I have apparently felt and seen I continue as usual. No actual change, just momentary sadness for the worlds condition, a world that is so big and I am within it all just a small little being – what can I do?

And I can tell now myself what I can do –  I can start  taking what is happening here in the world seriously and stop finding excuses why I cannot stand up and become a voice for those who lost all hope and dignity in their lives though endless suffering and abuse experienced on a daily basis. I have voice, I can speak, I have hands to write with, I have cozy place with a roof under my head where I can sit comfortably and do whatever needs to be done.  I can stop spitting out dead knowledge and information about who I am and what I am doing and come to real terms about the reality of me and where within that I can actually find practical ways to manifest a real change. I can educate myself daily with complete self-dedication and self-commitment about the reality of this world, how it functions, how the abuse manifests within different areas of life, what are the source reasons of this abuse and what can be done to prevent the abuse from spreading and creating more and more victims every day. I can find new ways and methods how to spread the message about the problems we face and the solutions required so that more and more people who are seeing the problems could join together within the solution that is required so urgently.

It’s imperative to understand that we all have to agree on one solution together, a solution that will satisfy the needs of every single being on this planet. If we remain divided with each one having his own opinion about what this world needs we’ll never unite into a force capable of stopping the spinning of wheels of greed and abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect myself from the pain that most people on this earth experience through my thoughts where I constantly and continually superimpose alternate reality on top of what is actually here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to my personal life than lives of by brothers and sisters where I separate from them and protect my little bubble at all costs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience emotion when seeing the suffering of this world where within experiencing these emotions I only make myself feel better about myself perceiving myself as caring being not realizing that this feeling has no actual effect on this physical reality and everything just remains the same and worse because there goes another being who sits on his ass and keeps the current system running it’s course freely while believing that there is change – while the change is only in my mind where I made myself feel better about myself and as I perceive myself to be the center of the world – yes the world got better but only my internal mind reality which has nothing to do with this physical existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the totality my own mind where I focus and hold myself only within the positive side of things and not walking myself through everything that is here so that I could understand and see the complete reality because until I not equal to the whole of existence I can never make any real decisions that would consider all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sleep one minute longer than my body requires where every minute that I spend in my thoughts makes my mind more powerful and within that I take more time which I take for granted while most being have none left as every 5 second a man dies because of the abuse of the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever skip or avoid my daily commitments to support the group that stands for life while abusers are tirelessly trying to diminish the group through their spiteful actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself based on energy as emotions and feelings that I experience and which determine my intensity of actions instead of being stable and consistent in my applications where I am always equally determined to stop what has been allowed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than a system, a system which never gets tired and never stops spinning the wheels of human enslavement and where human is unable to stop and see what is happening because human has become this very system  – thus I realize that I have to stand as equal to the current system and spread equality messages with the same consistency and agility

Thus I commit myself to daily actions of supporting the process of walking ourselves out of the enslavement by being constant and consistent in my application

I commit myself to never forget my commitments that I made in the moments of seeing the atrocities of this world

I commit myself to not stop and rest until a new system is in place that honors and cherishes Life

I commit myself to search and find those that are still alive and able to hear the call of Life

I commit myself to expose and reveal the detrimental effects of current accepted way of living and show that a new system of Equal Money can successfully and without pain replace the old system and save the planet from being destroyed

Other blogs that I find very supportive:

Day 37: The Courage to Live

2012:DIP into the Delusions of “Love will Change the World”

Day 16: A Program of Unawareness

Day 36 – The hesitation invasion

Day 19 – What is the Solution to Fear?

Day 40 – Obsessive Thought Patterns: I can’t stop thinking what people think of me