Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am

 

Norvz-Austria-Makes-Time-Stand-StillThis comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.

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Day 199: Thought Cloud where Life is Lost

I will continue here from my previous blog where I wrote about my experience of being in the mind and not being here when communicating/interacting with another. This is a big point for me and definitely requires some correction as it is absolutely unacceptable to live like this in this reality. I mean this whole world and how we live in it depends upon our interactions/relationships with each other and if that is not clear, not direct, open and transparent we will never develop any form of intimacy with each other where we can recognize each other as equals and so develop an environment that is in fact friendly and supportive for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am not able to see or hear another when I am not HERE but exist in a separate thought reality of my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question in the moment the thoughts that come up within me about another because throughout my life I have accepted these thoughts as being normal part of my existence without ever questioning why and how they come up and whether it’s possible to live without thinking all the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in distrust and fear of others where instead of open communication I chose to converse with myself in my mind not realizing how through this action I am validating my fears and separating myself further and further from other beings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an isolated entity living in my own mind reality not realizing that this own reality is based purely on self-interest and so when all the people in this world accept this own reality within them we lose the common sense and one reality that truly matters, which is this physical reality of which we are all made of equally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and live the equality as who I am as my physical body living here with other physical bodies and thus consider others as my equal instead of allowing mind as thought, feeling, emotions that I acquired throughout my life and which are completely determined by the environment that I was raised in and which nowhere reflect real consideration for all Life here on earth, to determine how I live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with my mind personalities to such a degree that I find myself being in fears/a> and resistance when seeing the evilness of what I have become and that I have to change

I commit myself to develop the awareness in each breath of seeing and assessing myself in my environment where I make sure that who I am in each breath is standing in alignment with the realization that all that matters in this reality is physical real world and that all mind activities must be put to question, exposed and aligned to what is best for all

I commit myself to open communication with others within realization that others are not separate from me but are me as who I really am as the substance of this physical reality and that all my perception of others as being separate from me is only my mind trying to keep the bubble of perceived individuality and free choice in place

I commit myself to keep reminding myself that thinking about everything and all the time is not how life should be and within that I bring myself each time that I see myself participating in the mind back to breathing awareness where thinking has no space to exist

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Day 124: “Fed up” character

 

The “Fed up” character switches on after long hours of allowing participation in the mind where I drift through my past memories over and over in my head – within that I get pissed off with myself and attempt to take control of my mind but it’s apparently stronger than myself and I end up in frustration telling myself that I will never change.

“Fed up” character also is active when there is no hope of getting to some point of self-stimulation, for example some event that I perceive as fun and enjoyable. It’s like there is nothing to live forward to. Here comes the realization that I am actually stuck with myself and who I am is not a nice company to be with – because I am fucking boring, constantly replaying the same memories over and over again where I am “fed up”, which means I am full/fed to the brim and there is no free space for anything new.

So it’s basically to do with memories where I become really sick by going over and over the same memories in my mind. These memories are in control of my participation in this reality, they control my whole life, my world, my future. It is utmost self-limitation – just existing within past memories and building/filtering my whole reality though these memories – so surely I get fed up with myself and of course I am boiling within myself wanting and screaming to get out – yet simply screaming and shouting is of no use, without walking the structured way to break this character nothing will happen.
to be continued…

 

Day 51: The Atmosphere of Love

More on love. How we use love to cover up who we are. The smiles, the beautiful words, benign actions, good intent are all cover ups for the reality of ourselves. I see I have been using that a lot within everyday communication where instead of equalizing my inner and outer expression of myself I would cover up my inner reality with this form of, I suppose we can call it, love. Throughout my life participating in this system I have become rather efficient in manipulating people’s behavior where I learned how different words, sentences, body language can trigger different reactions within people. So within that I would always shape my experiences with other people in a way that I like – in a way where there is no conflict, no rivalry, no anger but only good atmosphere, not realizing that what I am actually conditioning myself to become is at-most-fear. Meaning I existed in fear to be found out what I am actually thinking within myself about other people, I feared to expose myself how I judge others, what is my real mind. So love as all these nice and beautiful presentations is a perfect method to remain in fear of self, pretending to be all right and ok. Love is like a sweet blanket covering the bitter truth of ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my thoughts and within that fear hide them by presenting a different picture of myself – a lovely picture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a cover up story can delete the truth of me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to get to know myself and investigate my thoughts and their origins so that there would be no separation and no fear

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I only fear something that I do not know thus if I become intimate with myself as all my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions I will remove the fear and enable myself to see directly and be the director of my life whereas now I am less than my thoughts, afraid of them and allowing them to direct my living

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this at-most-fear (atmosphere) where I am a slave to my own thoughts

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that we as all humanity together exist in and as this atmosphere, an utmost fear – each hiding and protecting ourselves from each other, because we all know how evil we actually are inside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the lie of pretension as this lovely blanket covering the reality of me will conquer my evilness and thus I will not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my thoughts towards others not realizing that if I cannot speak them out as myself it means I don’t really believe in these justifications

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to really investigate my inner reality where I could actually find a way to correct myself and my expression towards another where I don’t have to pretend anymore and use lies

 

I commit myself to close the gap between my inner reality and my outer expression where I don’t have to use the lies anymore to present myself in some way but be a real being speaking and acting as one whole as who I as an example of standing up and taking self-responsibility for all my creation

I commit myself to investigate my secret inner reality so that I would understand how I have become who I am where in this way I would enable myself to change in a way where I can stand in front of another and be real within and without

I commit myself to utilize self-forgiveness and  self-corrective application to investigate every reaction ant thought that comes up inside of me in relation to others  or in relation to myself as well – where I could stand without shame or fear in everything I do