Day 298: Depression and Hopelessness

89740033-1Reading the news about world affairs, watching documentaries related to the extent of abuse happening globally it’s not difficult to become somewhat emotional and slip into a negative mind state where it seems that there is no possible solution to the mess that is here. I catch myself going into a state of indifference and hopelessness. This in turn starts manifesting within all my actions and my behavior and after a short while my reality also stops moving until I allow myself to remain in that state of mind.

I the past I would always allow that negativity within me to build and accumulate to a very high degree from where I would go into all kinds of self-sabotaging behavior patterns until I reach the rock bottom and then I have to start all over again.

It’s amazing how in the beginning there is this one small moment of resistance that requires a relatively small push to move oneself through that negativity into action and then how this resistance, if not confronted, grows and spreads like a virus taking into possession the whole body and mind until I get to a state where I just sit in front of the computer absolutely blank and all my attempts to study or read or write something amount to nothing. One thing that can definitely be observed in all of this is the speed of mind, the thoughts and the reactions as well as physical movements which are rapid and hasty. There is usually some big thoughts, as imagination, running in my mind of all the things I should do, the future I should aim to create. Yet none of that is realistic for the current moment that I am in because I what I need now is the next best step to get myself out of the possession.

Now, the solution that seems to be effective is to begin a new day from a scratch where I plan the day’s activities, also if possible getting some assistance from a friend who can be supportive within those activities. If there is no one around that’s fine also as long as I move myself to act and do the things I have planned for myself. In planning the day I simply look around at what needs my attention, for example I have been putting off the need to sort the little things about my car because I can see how these little things left undone keep lingering in the mind as a reminder of what has to be done. So I am sure most people have these small things accumulated in their minds that are placed into the compartment of postponement deemed as not so necessary, because, I mean “there are much bigger problems in the world that need attention”.

Having started with all the little things the movement comes back and here it’s important to nurture and continue with that movement and so get to other things without allowing the possession to return back again. I mean, having allowed this indifference for a while has manifested the consequence and it will require some pushing to do to get out of it, there is probably no way around it. Here I basically stand with a decision that I make within myself – to go on with living and search for solutions. First the solutions on a personal level and then expand further and see where else I can participate and thus contribute to change. I mean there are so many ways that one can direct ones energy towards change that it’s absolutely unacceptable to go into that state of hopelessness. Especially when there are all the means available to do that. In today’s world where the one that has the access to the internet, access to the clean water and has a roof over the head is the one that must take responsibility and use those means to contribute to a change, especially when there are so many of us that are completely abandoned and live on the outskirts of the system trying to survive on a daily basis. Yes the world system doesn’t make sense in many ways, the corruption and self-interest if sky high, still there is nothing else to do but to search for solutions instead of giving up or living the lie.


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Day 25: Stopping Distractions to Do the Work

I keep running away from myself by distracting myself with trivial things. That is especially true when I sit down to write or study. I trained myself to be very efficient in avoiding the confrontation with myself by finding numerous activities on the internet or in my house that have no relevance – no relevance in how I do it. Although it might look, and I manage to convince myself, that these activities benefit me but in fact it’s just plain avoidance. Whatever I do in these moments I do it superficially – if I read a blog I don’t really read it but just scan it with my eyes without actually seeing the words and their meaning. Facebook is another biggy where I allow myself to hide from real self-investigation. So all in all I fight with myself like that where I get tired and see no more way out but to actually sit and write something, but oh it’s already lunch time so have to go and eat, then I feel guilty as it looks like another escape mechanism where sometimes I ignore it – thus compromising my body nutrition, which in itself creates more problems. So there are many escape mechanisms that I developed throughout the years to just postpone the real work that I know I have to do. I do manage periods of good attention and specific investigation but that doesn’t last long and I am back again to square one.

I am looking for that final decision within myself where once and for all I would answer myself the question – Who am I? Hearing this question I get a reaction as I know it’s the end of me – me as Life if I continue fucking around  or the end me as the mind consciousness system to which I so dearly hold unwilling to let go indefinitely. Years have gone by and I am still at the starting point of my process – I am still very grateful to this gift of writing that I am giving to myself daily as it puts me on the spot and brings ever more closer to that final decision – as I can see clearly within writing myself and what I am allowing. Within writing is the reflection of me as the words I place and try to live – I can’t fool myself much longer.

So within this blog I want to make clear for myself that I in fact have the capacity to decide Who I Am and stand within my decision. I choose to become LIFE.  There is no other way or option because I have already seen the Illusion that the mind is trying to sell. It’s definitely not worth it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within distractions that I as the mind put on my path to prolong the inevitability of facing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that process of facing self is so difficult that I don’t really have the capacity to remain constant and consistent within it and thus I experience huge resistance to start applying myself effectively where I continue participating in my distractions and preoccupations that make me forget for a while who I am and what I have become instead of realizing that who I am at the moment is in no way fun or acceptable as I exist in a very limited bubble with the same thoughts running over and over again and thus to face self and change self is the best and the only thing I can do

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-writing and effective self-instigation is not a natural part of me and thus I will experience initial resistance up to the point where I automate myself to act without hesitation exactly as I act with my distractions that I have learned and made an automatic behavior – so it’s just a matter of installing a new program into myself which I realize takes some time as it took time to install the old program – I do this within realization that the old program is not supporting life and thus it’s not supporting me as life, it only supports self-interest and greed as it is clearly reflected in this world that we all live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give any attention to my thoughts when I sit down with myself to write and investigate myself when I have already proven to myself countless times that these thoughts lead me nowhere but simply create more layers of different thought patterns that I will have to face eventually – thus each day of my indecision means harder process ahead – and thus it is clear that the best time is right now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of blankness when I start to write myself where I have noticed that these moments indicate that I am already searching for a way out

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that there is no other way out but to sit down each day and write myself out – where I write self-forgiveness, self-corrective application and where I live the new way that I script for myself through writing – where I become the directive principle of my life shaping and carving my life in consideration to everything that is here as life – thus I create a new me that stand as one voice for a better world and where I join the others as me so that we can together as equals create a new world where everyone is considered and where we can really have fun

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to make that final decision of who I want to be where within that I continued to walk undefined and thus having a backdoor through which I kept slipping into momentary ignorance and forgetfulness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand in the middle road undecided if I really want to stop my mind even though from what I have already seen of the mind I definitely don’t want to stay and continue down that path.

So what’s holding me to leave the middle road and make the final commitment to start the journey to life in total dedication? Perhaps the most prominent is doubt that I can actually do it as I have been throughout my life mostly a failure. Still that is not an excuse but just another construct I have to walk through and delete from my system as it is not real as is any other excuse. So there is nothing that is holding me from making this decision. I stand for Life.

I commit myself to no longer allow distraction to compromise me in walking and facing myself each and every day within writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application

I commit myself to find most effective and practical ways to bring the change to myself and my reality where I do not inflict fear or unnecessary pain which means I move in gently, effectively, slowly and specifically considering everything and everyone

I commit myself for constant and continues self-perfection within writing self-forgiveness and self-corrective application where I observe myself within my everyday reality to see if what I do is in any way effective – if not I sit down again and again to bring myself to the point of clarity and thus change

I commit myself to running from myself in realization that there is nowhere to run, that I have done that many times before just to come back to the same point – I commit myself to stop the cycles that serve no real purpose but to convince me what I already know – that I have to really stop the bullshit

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Day 16: Am I only a Picture?

Next point of investigation is PICTURES. Pictures are so all encompassing in my life – it’s my whole world and I am also just a picture in it – existing in constant comparison with other pictures, liking and disliking certain pictures while some are irrelevant, some pictures give me a smile and some make me sad, some make me horny and some make to become disgusted, some pictures I want to see again and some are hidden to be avoided, some pictures bring past memories and some make me think about future, some pictures are sticky where they exactly reveal my true desires while others just pass without notice, some I consider more than me while others less  – it’s all about pictures pictures pictures.

I will start my investigation from myself where I will look how through time I have defined myself as a picture and what experiences, believes, ideas I hold around My picture. I am the one who created myself as picture, who filled, painted and outlined it – so I must be the one to undo it and thus remove the limited definition that separates myself from all that is here as the equal substance.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only a picture that I perceive myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit all others as I limit myself to only pictures where I completely miss the beingness behind the picture

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied with the picture as who I believe I am and who I believe others are not realizing that I am distracting myself from what is happening behind the scene where all decision are made, from where the act of picture puppets is directed and where I am as well directing the “play” yet I refuse to see that as I am too preoccupied with watching the puppet show

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that the pictures within this world are manipulated and thus do not represent what is actually here behind the presentation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the pictures are real not realizing it’s just a distraction and a tool to keep me preoccupied by triggering within me reactions as feeling and emotions where within that I cover myself with more energetically created layers of distraction as comparisons/desires/jealousy/wants/needs towards the pictures that I see and from here seeing the reality is even more difficult

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have/live the best picture where I create desires towards it completely and absolutely missing the point where I have no clue how some of the pictures that I see and desire came into being– for example walking in the supermarket I see some gadget that I like and thus desire it to have for myself but I am completely unaware that this gadget might have come from child labor in china – which is very probable and thus I support each time this system that allows such atrocities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to totally and completely abdicate my responsibility and give full trust to others like politicians, various agencies and organizations which I believe are doing their work in making sure that our system functions properly according to the agreed rules where they protect the rights of people

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that within myself i always have seen the abuse and corrupt system but simply justified the system within the believe that all is ok because I was ok and had some money to spend to buy clothes, food, had a roof over my head and was able to even satisfy my desires – so yes from my perspective the system was ok

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in fear of losing what I had thus never stood up to “shake the boat” within the believe that I am nothing in this existence not realizing that it’s exactly what those in control want me and all others to believe

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that indeed I am nothing until I allow myself to participate and “play” around with pictures in my head completely making myself blind and distracted from being able to see what is happening and thus become a participant in this reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to the pictures where I believe that certain pictures are just too powerful for me to let go, like pictures of sexual nature, not realizing that it is my perfect justification to postpone my realization that I have means and responsibility to stand up for myself and those that do not have means to do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my non-participation within reality as responsible being by claiming that I have tried to stop picture reality within myself and go beyond but I failed and so I use failure as a justification to remain where I am instead of becoming practical being where I organize and structure the real path, where I construct a practical bridge for myself through which I can walk out of the mind reality into the actual reality which involves writing my patterns of how i exist as the picture presentation of myself, write out my automated relationship with other pictures ad within that understand how it all functions and how I have to correct and redesign these relationships into that which would support all being in existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to the picture of me as who I believe I am and other pictures as who I believe this world is instead of valuing life as the equal essence as the source from which everything is created which means that we are all one and equal in essence and the separation that we experience is just an illusion perpetuated by the mind energy as thoughts/believes/ideas/fantasies/assumptions/perceptions/ideals etc. that we acquired and learned in this world from those who have gone before us and that we accepted as undeniable truth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold my past as more than me and thus feel powerless in the face of it without realizing that it’s just my memories as pictures and experiences that are keeping me stuck in the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe there is no way I would be able to function without having my memories to guide me and pictures to define my reality even though I have already seen that whenever I stopped something I really believed in and defined myself by – I always remained here and I became more than I was before because the very believe and definition was limiting me – as if saying you are this and that, which automatically implies gazillion things which I am not

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that everything that exists here is me and the only thing that does not allow me to see and realize that is my preoccupation with pictures where I don’t see the interconnectedness of everything and everyone beyond the pictures


Thus I commit myself to investigate how I exist in my world as a picture presentation of myself and what desires wants and needs I still have that preoccupy my conscious mind to not see the reality beyond pictures

I commit myself to practice breathing where within that I slowly become aware of how I participate in my mind and how I keep limiting myself through thoughts that run in my mind constantly defining my reality so that I would feel “safe” and “in control”

I commit myself in finding ways how I can release myself from the believe that I need my mind to exist and function in my reality where I prove to myself slowly but surely that breath is the only thing I need to be here

I commit to myself to only start considering the practical aspects of participation in this world where I let go of my preoccupation in my mind with unnecessary thoughts based on fears and desires

Artwork by Rozelle Destonian De Lange




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