After 2 year finally getting COVID infection

Covid has been around for quite some time and by now probably most people have been touched by it in some way. It is not so easy to track the movement of it when people were also getting infected without showing any external symptoms. I was thus also not sure if I had it or not. My doubts were cleared however some days ago when, first, my partner got sick and tested positive and then a day later I started showing the first symptoms. So I did my celebration dance for finally being included in this process of life and braced for whatever is to come. I didn’t test myself but at this point I am quite positive that I was positive. It’s now three days since and I can probably say that I am likely “out of the woods” by now, although I am a bit careful with this statement because I said the same thing yesterday and then I had hell of a night afterwards. Today however things seem to be much more clear – it feels that I have faced and walked through the stuff I needed to walk through, well at least to some degree.

Now in terms of having any fear or anxiety towards the virus I cannot say that I had any of it. That is because of the understanding that this virus in general is here to expose that which is already here. If I were to die as a result of it then so be it, that would just reveal that there was nothing of me left anyway that is of life. So I was quite eager to see where I stand in relation to this. The way I like to view it is how I was taught in homeopathy. When we get a new case one of the primary questions to answer is when was the last time a person had an acute sickness. By term acute it is understood that it is a sickness that is strong, intense, and usually short-lasting – just like our virus infection. This is significant in order to see in what condition is the organism. When the answer is “oh I can’t remember when was the last time I was sick or had any fever” it’s not something one likes to hear because this means either that the person is in perfect health (which is very unlikely) or there is a significant exhaustion of the organism, usually a deep chronic sickness that is slowly but surely taking one to the grave. In homeopathy thus if a correct remedy is given to such deep chronic case we expect a serious acute reaction which in a way wakes up the life force in the individual and then the true healing becomes possible.

So this virus it seems to be like a well prescribed homeopathic remedy for this world. We are obviously on a steady path of self-destruction – we are chronically ill due to what we have accepted and allowed this world and ourselves to become and for the most part we are unable to change the direction anymore, in a big way we have already given up on ourselves. We needed help. Now this virus thus creates this acute condition, this high intensity reaction in our bodies and it use any and all reserves to make a stand, for some it’s the last one, to try to fend off these invading agents destroying life from the inside.

Now it has been suggested to all those that were infected and healed from the virus to look at what body parts were affected during the sickness and what emotions/mind points emerged during the experience. Personally I am still processing and defining the experience I went through but in general for me the point has been revealed of which I was aware of but towards which I was beginning to feel more and more powerless because of the many years of inability to change this point in any significant way. So in the end I am very grateful to this sickness, it really feels like something subtle inside me has shifted. It still remains to be seen in time on whether this point has been affected in some real/practical way or not, yet it is clear that it is also my responsibility to be and remain vigilant and not allow the doubt, the wavering, this powerlessness, the experience of giving up to get through top me as the thoughts and the reactions, but ensure that I live the corrections that I have seen, to ensure I keep breathing and walking no matter what.

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Tools For Self-Support

SPACE OF GRACE – alternative and holistic support services

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Reaping The Harvest Without Re-planting The Seeds

I have been trying to understand the pattern which seems to be repeating over and over again. This relates to self-movement which I seems to unable to sustain on a consistent basis. It appears that everything is moving in waves where one day things are emerging nicely, the opportunities are opening up, I feel confident and ready to tackle the challenges and then… the next day there is none of that, there is lack of self-determination, things seems to be stuck, the resistance looms and I have to really push myself to create the momentum again.

In this I see there are many dimensions involved, but here I have been looking at one specific point where for example I had to understand that the good days where things are happening and the opportunities are sprouting etc. are not coming out of nowhere but are the result of actions taken before, they are the fruits that came from the seeds I planted. Now these seeds have grown to produce that fruit and these results and I am reaping these rewards by focusing only on the fruit itself. I get rather excited and satisfied and quite fulfilled in myself, but like I said this does not last and the next moment I am stuck again as the momentum dissipates. The “fruits” die off. Besides there is a sensation of separation from self, like I have lifted away from the ground, lost my footing so to speak. This basically indicates that I have allowed myself to get lost in the sweet nectar of the positive energy. And it’s not something that is even very obvious but is quite subtle and happens in moments where I lose my awareness and disappear into the mind reality which are many and they all accumulate still to produce a more massive f*** up.

Obviously in this period I am not planting any seeds for the next cycle, and neither am I taking care of the “soil” for that which I already have – so in my case it would be specific types of actions that ground me, like for example writing, physical exercise, communicating/interacting with various people etc. So these I see I need to have as a more constant point to ensure I am am not swept away for any longer periods of time by the mind.

Also another important dimension I see is that I am relying too much on a single point (single seed and single fruit = mono crops) where because of that there are usually expectations created, a point of specialness emerges, fear of loss appears (which is in itself another seed that grows to bear the result) and also such lack of diversity is just not cool in any way. Thus more seeds, more fruits, more diversity = abundance of living | the goal |

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Tools For Self-Support

SPACE OF GRACE – alternative and holistic support services

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Fading into Non-Existence

I am still continuing on the subject of ‘giving up’. I am busy with this system for quite some time now as I see how I keep moving in cycles and ending up at the same point, the crucial point actually. The point where it’s the hardest, most overwhelming, where giving up is easy, where the giving up is giving myself more time to avoid facing myself in self-honesty. These cycles, unfortunately but also fortunately, are not circles with two ends connecting but they are more like spirals where each time as I come to that same point I am a bit more screwed. Both mental and physical symptoms serve as testaments to that. I see, for example, my mental resolve slowly diminishing where in the past I had this strong determination to uplift myself from any disturbing situation with making a statement “enough is enough” or “till here and no further” and I would take deliberate action quite easily to restore myself to a level where I am more satisfied. But now what I felt for the first time was like a weakening of sorts where I am no longer able to call upon that strength within me. It felt as if the organism has gone into a weakened state where it can no longer produce the necessary resistance to counteract the forces of the mind.

This experience was extremely disturbing to say the least. In a way it felt like the time is ending, in the sense that all the warning lights are flashing, clearly indicating that if I choose to continue screwing myself down the spiral – then, most likely, it is going to be too late. And I see now very clearly that this point of being too late does exist. I mean I did have the understanding of that on a knowledge level but to really sense the reality of it is quite a different story. Within this I had also seen glimpses of the immensity of regret possible that might befall one within the realization that I have had all the tools to create me and I just wasted it all… for nothing.

Now the point of this weakening is not difficult to grasp. Every time that fall within a point there is a memory imprint of that event and when I am in a similar position in the future that memory from the previous event will play a role, where I am now more likely to give up just as I did before. When there are many such memories it naturally becomes ever more difficult to transcend the point due to all the compounded memories that influence my actions. So in all of this I see how I have almost automated this process of giving up at that specific crossroad, where now in order to be able to walk through it I need a really good support system. Of course my first choice is to run to my homeopathy books and start searching for a remedy that fits the resonance I am in. I do this based on specific mental and physical symptoms I have at the moment. That is and has been immense support. And also for the first time in my process… finally!!! I recognized the importance of seeking assistance from other people. I went to Kim Amourette to have a Quantum Change Kinesiology session and it was simply amazing. She did confirm the points I was seeing and really expanded my understanding of the pattern. So all this put together I am now much more confident to continue walking this point.

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Tools For Self-Support

SPACE OF GRACE – alternative and holistic support services

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Just Give Up

This is a continuation from the previous blog “Give Up Hope”

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“You cannot do this” is the most frequent sound resonance I am accessing within myself when it comes to creating something of my own. It’s the inner the voice within me that has been internalized based on many related moments/memories, coming mostly from childhood.

This is no wonder, the childhood is the time when we are still forming our personalities and in this absorbing all the information to design the foundation of who we will be and become. Here thus the parents are the main programmers inserting various belief systems to act as guidelines further in life. There are many programming code lines on every possible aspect and some aspects of our personality can be pretty cool and empowering and some not at all. It’s really just like a lottery: What will you get on how you view disease in life? And what is your attitude to racism is going to be? Will you have trouble with being intimate in your relationships? The list goes on.

Ok, now back to the point of creation. The main phrase, a line of code, that I found within me and which was circulating in my house when I was growing up was “we just don’t have the businessman’s vein” which is also a common cultural expression in the working class families.

I see that this is actually a very effective program which is self-sustainable. I mean statistically it is confirmed that rarely anyone’s first or even second business venture will succeed. This means that one must persevere, one must fail, learn from this and keep going until there is a success. Now if you have this saying imprinted in you and if you fail one or two or god forbid three times then this belief crystallizes to the point where you will stand nodding your head and proclaim with an absolute conviction that “yes, I really don’t have the businessman’s vein”. And this is what was happening to me every time I would try and create something when I was younger where at some point I just stopped trying. In the end it’s just a red light that would start flashing “Warning, Warning, Danger, Danger” and then the resistance, loads of it.

I was lucky, however, to meet later in life and become good friends with a guy who has a very different programming in this regard. It is amazing to observe the difference in how we function. And it’s really A LOT I can learn from him, which I am.

So it’s now a process to first of all stop paying attention to the voices in the head. To recognize all the emotional states I go into, the resistance that comes from accepting and allowing those emotional states to actually affect my physical behavior and simply continue accumulating actions that support my new direction. No matter how small are these actions, as long as I am consistent I know that it’s bound to produce some result. I was recently working on this with somebody and after I have committed myself to some stuff he asked me how do I feel about it? I stopped for a moment and not finding anything good within I just said that that I don’t really give a f… how I feel at this point, and that is because my feelings are still affected by the old code, the old believes of who I am and who I can ever be. Trying to see beyond that is just a darkness I cannot see yet into. At this point I simply accept that and I trust myself that I am ready to take the next step.

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Tools For Self-Support

SPACE OF GRACE – alternative and holistic support services

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Giving up Hope

This a continuation from my previous blog on “Giving up”

I sit down to write a blog or work on some other task that I decided I will do because I see it’s something that I will truly benefit from. I might manage some progress but very early on I start to overwhelm myself with the apparent vastness and complexity of the task. I begin to hesitate, I seek and indulge in any distraction I can find, and in this way slowly but surely I start to put things on hold. On my next attempt I repeat the same pattern and eventually this becomes an automated experience where in the end things simply have come to what seems a permanent hold.

One of the main points I seem to be missing is to just do it, here and now, no matter how small or insignificant is the step, but just take it. Yet the wall in front of me seems just too high and the only thing I can do at this stage is to try and figure it out in my mind, to try to understand why nothing is working, why I am not getting any motivation and why the hell I am still waiting?

This is where I found hope to be a big part of the problem. I saw that no matter how disempowered I felt there was always this glimmer of hope still remaining. Initially I thought that this is a good thing, that this hope is something that still keeps me alive, but upon closer inspection within myself I discovered that this hope is rather a malignant manifestation, or in other words something that keeps me in that state of disempowerment because if I realized that this hope is false then I would probably do something about my situation. Now why do I say this hope is false? I found that it mostly comes from and is connected with specific memories which are based on the principle of a casino. Meaning that 99 percent of the time you lose and there is this 1 percent where you win. So for example it would be a memory where at some point in life we get that high/motivating moment in the form of, for example, a very cool realization which uplifts one to some new dimensions and in this we see what is possible, the potential that is here, where we are highly motivated and we do things and everything just seems to fall in the place. It can be of course some other similar lovely event but the belief behind it is the same – It’s possible, I just have to wait, it’s there somewhere, it has happened before so it will happen again – HOPEfully.

In this I have always failed to understand that these uplifting moments were “random” events that were fueled/generated energetically and they were never meant to last or produce any substantial difference. It’s again to not judge them and if used practically in common sense these moments can actually be used as points of self-direction, where we see the potential and what is possible. But in this also realizing that it’s just THAT – a pointer – and in order to actually, truly manifest real lasting change real physical, practical, consistent actions will be required. It’s exactly the same as using drugs where during the experience we might become aware that there is something more, the way we see things, the way we experience ourselves as being more free and expansive and whatever other words can be used to describe your highness 🙂 but in this realizing it’s not real in fact, and that there is no magic pill in the world that will move me. I have to move myself.

Many are very aware of this and yet the first step just seems too difficult to take. There is usually deep uncertainty in what direction to move, and a blank gaze when it comes to making any decision. Hopelessness and apathy start to develop.

Next what appears to happen most frequently is that life itself steps in to assist. Usually in some form of physical or psychological disturbance. And at this point we are all rather unique in how much pain and struggle we can take before we start changing. How many warning signs have to go off before action is initiated? Personally I had to get to a point of being hardly able to walk due to lower back pain. This was then enough to become so angry as to say till here and no further. Also in my life I have made a choice to try and stay away from any strong conventional medications so that I could experience some of that pain that my body is going through and eventually use it for change. Of course I always had Homeopathy by my side which supported me enormously throughout the years, but despite that it was always clear that without a self-willed decision nothing can truly help me.

Another important thing I realized, but at which I was very bad, was asking for help. I always kept things to myself and felt too ashamed and too self-judgmental for the things I was allowing. And yet is so important to reach for help when nothing else is working. I mean I am lucky that I haven’t manifested any serious condition and that I did start to address some of the warning lights on time, but now as I work with people through homeopathy I see so many having ignored all the signs and now are having to deal with rather serious consequences, whereas, if they had come when the symptoms just started so much struggle and pain could have been avoided. Now it’s a little bit more effort will be required.

It’s always better to work on prevention rather than consequence management. That’s why parenting is the most important job in the world. If that was done correctly we wouldn’t have to deal with any of this bullshit, excuse me for my animal language 🙂 Have a good day!

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Tools For Self-Support

SPACE OF GRACE – alternative and holistic support services

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Giving Up

It’s been probably few months now since I have made the decision to pick up on writing after approximately 4 year gap, ever since I have managed to convince myself that writing is not that important. And I did that despite mostly enjoying the process of writing, enjoying that intimate time with myself where I would explore and discover new things about me, truly learn stuff and really expanding in so many ways. So now I ask myself how the hell I managed to perform such a cunning trick on myself and also how to get back?

Looking at where and how I started slacking I see many small decisions over time, I see very convincing excuses and justifications, little voices in the head slowly but surely veering me into other directions. And I am sure there could be valid reasons why one would do that, but in my case, I really had all the time in the world to continue supporting myself with this invaluable tool.

Now what is also interesting is that I wasn’t really aware of the extent to which I have allowed this experience of giving up to take over. I mean the desire and the thought to start writing was always there, many times I would make attempts to start a blog but these attempts were compromised where instead of pushing myself to do it I would convince myself to give myself a bit more time and instead follow some form of distraction. In time, through repeated decision and the experience of giving up it became almost automated where eventually I wasn’t even bothering to try, knowing that the resistance I will be facing is just too much to handle.

The awareness of the depth of this issue became apparent to me only recently when I brought myself to the point of being able to finally make the decision to write a blog, to actually physically practically write the damn thing, no matter how good or bad but just get it done. Sitting on this point until it’s done was when I started seeing the “walls”, seeing how much resistance I have created over time, and how much effort was required to start breaking this imaginary veil. The thoughts were relentless: “it’s too much”, “it’s too overwhelming”, “you can’t handle this”, “the more you go in the more it’s going to get”, “you will never going to get through this”, “oh you are missing so many points” and then on top of that the physical resistance such as the overwhelming tiredness, heaviness in the neck and shoulder areas, restlessness and just the desire to escape from this uncomfortable situation. During the process of writing I did not have yet specific awareness or understanding of what is happening and why, it was pure struggle almost throughout, but at the same time it felt good that I am finally doing this.

It was actually the following day when I felt completely off, experiencing a form of depression with strong unwillingness to do anything that I endevoured to understand what is hiding behind all that. As per usual when facing any point one of the greatest means of support for me is my physical body where I take note of any and every pain sensation, or discomfort experienced in the body and from there utilizing my notes, that I have accumulated over the years from various Desteni chats and interviews as well as years of studying homeopathy, to try and find some indications/pointers leading to a better understanding of what am I facing. This is how I found that the real culprit in this case is the “Giving up” personality. For me this type of detective work is actually the most rewarding and gives a sense of real movement and purpose. That is probably one of the main reasons I started working in the field of homeopathy so I could do this detective work as much as possible. Yet I am sure this is the experience of most people, perhaps it could be compared to solving the puzzles and how nice it is to find the missing piece and get a more clear picture.

Now in terms of the practical application on how to start dealing with such a personality design I found the interviews on Eqafe very supportive. These interviews have proven to be invaluable support in times like that. It explained the whole system in detail, and what was most important to me was the understanding the depth of this system, meaning that it penetrates both mental and physical dimensions and that is what makes the experience so challenging. In other words there is an emotional reaction as well as a physical possession that happens.

The solution thus must be equal to the problem, we have to now physically practically bulldoze our way through any resistance, through any and all cleverly sounding excuses and justifications and also physical discomforts, no matter what. And doing it within the understanding that what we are dealing here is the consequence created over a long time, and it will take a bit of struggle, as it should, to move through that.

In all of this I found the words – determination and perseverance – to be the most useful. The living and the application of these words I first did in smaller/easier things, like for me the commitments to do physical exercise came rather easy due to my childhood years, thus I first utilized that to build and strengthen my determination and perseverance and thus in this way grow and build the confidence and eventually be ready to tackle the issues that are more challenging.

One thing became very clear over the years – the mind is very patient. It chips away the pieces of us very slowly and often we do not even notice it. Perhaps only much later, years later, when there is almost nothing left of us, we might notice that something went terribly wrong, the life has been mostly wasted. At this point, hopefully, it’s not yet too late. Now it’s our turn to be patient and start from the basics, rebuilding all that was lost and then going further than ever before.

The Dullness

For me one of the most annoying and hardest are parts in the process where things go to a state of being kind of normal, where in a way nothing reaches my “heart” anymore, feels like everything is experienced only on an intellectual level, very superficial. It’s like a form of dullness that I go into, a form of resistance to go into the mind, to take it apart and understand it. The feeling is that I have compromised myself somewhere somehow but I cannot see for sure and that is where the annoyance comes from not being able to pinpoint or understand exactly how I got here, and also how to break this veil. In other words there is no self-honesty to see what the heck is going on.

As I write this the first thing that emerged was something I have seen in the presentation I went to a day before which was on the topic of stress. The message in a nutshell was that stress is a normal part of the “game”. Later when the presenter was asked to give another name for “game” he said it is “life” itself. So based on that in the game of life we need stress to be able to play the game good, or in other words we need energy to drive us, to be driven. Now when I look at this “requirement” of stress to “live/to play the game of life” it is in opposition to this experience I am in – the dullness, which by definition is ‘lack of interest or excitement’ which basically means I am not energizing myself to be able to play ‘the game’.

Now the point that is never talked about or challenged in any way is that this “interest and excitement” that we generate within ourselves in the form of stress is actually self-interest where the main idea/starting point behind it is “what’s in it for me?” where this Me is me as the mind, as the energy based entity interested only in generating more energy in the form of experiences. Now when this point of self-interest is challenged there is a big disconnect because within ourselves we have already defined life as being energy, the whole process of producing/generating/experiencing energy. Without that who am I?

Seeing this side of self-interest when existing and participating in this world of “players” is my greatest resistance and fear. I can see that all or most of the ‘movements’ that I initiate are somehow tainted with self-interest, never a genuine care for others or this reality or it’s like very rare. This has caused me to create a “protection personality” where I kind of step away to the side and make myself invisible and only play the game when it’s absolutely necessary to get something I need or want. In the end it’s like a constant state of balancing between being dull and trying to move and create something. So the whole challenge here lies within changing the starting point from the core of myself, to transform the self-interest, to transform self essentially from being that separate energetic entity to a living being that lives and moves based on the principle of what is best for all. Then living self-interest and ‘playing the game’ is living and playing in the interest of all.

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Tired of Fighting

For some days now I have been existing in an experience which I could never fully understand. I only know that it’s an experience I had many times before but the understanding of what it is exactly, where it’s coming from or how to deal with it was always escaping me. It did seem like it is something that I simply have to push through, persevere within, however in the end it appears that I have always been falling back at this point, just to come back to it later again.

Now to describe the experience: it always comes when I start moving myself and willing myself to change in one way or another, where I start to challenge my comfort zones and start to initiate some form of creation, like new habits, new insights and sharing , basically increasing my participation in general. At some point in this process this experience emerged and it´s like I go into a war with the whole world, it seems like everything is going against me, the people, the circumstances, life itself. I start to judge everyone and go into comparison and then as I see and understand what I am doing I am going into a deep disappointment with myself in terms of where I am and who I am. Also a very common concomitant to this mental experience is a shift in the physical body where you kind of want a chiropractor to twist you and make some alignments at this point. So this is the experience in a nutshell.

Now, recently I signed up for transcribing Eqafe interviews and this is where I found so much needed support, yet again. The interview is called “Fight for your Life” and it starts with a question: “who is tired of fighting?”

… and as I was nodding my head to this question it went further …

There is a part of you that know exactly what I actually asked within that question and this fighting is that fighting with your mind, that wrestling with yourself, that burden that you have in relation to responsibilities in your life or priorities, that emotional experience or not knowing where your life is going to go or what is going to become or you or happen to you. All of that is existing within the nature of fighting.

As the interview went further it was explained that this particular experience has been very specifically designed and pre-programmed within our mind, being and body relationship and connected and interconnected to all of existence to prevent us from connecting to life substance and thus to keep us stuck in the mind consciousness system. It functions as follows …

This particular fighting program will slowly but surely start activating and rising within your beingness into your mind, take over your physical body where it will make everything about at times, more difficult than what it really is and what it needs to be. It contributes to creating the illusion of toughness, or difficulty, or challenge and it takes you into a signature where you feel everything is so tough, so difficult, challenging that you’ve got to try and fight it and then you go into this fighting experience inside yourself and you then try and come at all these problems and difficulties and challenges with this intensity, with this’ I’m going to take you on, I’m going to overthrow you, I’m going to show you that I am better

Now at this point the interview urges us to realize that this experience is just that, an experience and not an actual reality. Here it becomes very supportive to look and take physical reality as a point of reference by looking whether we are actually stuck somewhere, like are we glued to something or are we bound by some physical ropes unable to move? If that’s a yes then it’s a valid point, otherwise it’s a mind experience, not real in fact, and thus we have the capacity to walk through it with the tools we have already acquired walking this process.

It’s not to say that what I am walking is not difficult or tough but it is really not necessary to make it ten times harder for myself. It’s way better to approach situations with practical approach, like asking valid questions and seeking best solutions rather than this emotional turmoil, a war like approach to everything and everyone.

Just today i have seen this cool video done by Kelly exploring the movie ‘John Wick’ and within that a similar point of our default programming to react automatically to certain situations of actual or many times only perceived injustices with this war like attitude of fighting rather than finding that strength within ourselves to seek and take a different approach.

 

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Fear of Future

So I haven’t written any blogs in my ‘Journey to Life’ section for quite some time now. I see at least a couple of key points that have been preventing me to do it. One is that writing implies movement, implies that I am actually walking my journey, that I am looking and investigating aspects of myself, I challenge myself and correct myself and live the change as I write/walk my journey. If that condition is not met I stagnate and my writing becomes a rather useless effort – mostly, as seen in the past, the blogs begin to repeat and spin around only the issues/problems that I am facing yet not moving through into any effective form of correction, just complaining and so sustaining my current condition. It’s like a type of depression that develops which I can use as an excuse to be lazy and do nothing.

Looking at all this and trying to understand why this stagnation takes place I recognized one important point – fear of self-responsibility/the unknown/the potential. There is no denying that walking this process with the Desteni group is making you a better being, and by better I mean more effective in every aspect of this reality, more practical, the understanding expands, the responsibility grows and within all of that ‘shit starts to become more real’ and that I find to be a rather key phrase here. It’s like everything that has been suppressed and ignored for so long starts to come to the surface and when seeing that a fear emerges of whether I am able to deal with this and what is still to come as you realize there is much more in the ‘Pandora’s box’.

For example when studying homeopathy we have been taught as well that when treating people with primarily emotional disturbances the disease will start to move and most likely manifest on the physical level ameliorating the mental state or sometimes temporary intensify emotional level. So this basically means that stuff will come to the surface and that is considered a good reaction. At this point it’s important to remain stable and not get freaked out by this manifestation but allow it to fully come out and then continue with, first, accepting that which has been revealed and, second, to continue dealing with that which has been revealed in the most efficient way. Unfortunately many people at this point get scared and fall back to modern methods of medicine which again suppress the condition bringing back the old state, though highly disturbing and uncomfortable yet familiar and ‘safe’.

So on some level this happens within me as well when walking the process: I keep falling back, standing up again to face some more aspects of reality, then again pausing for a moment. Although sometimes this feels like endless and hopeless processes yet I remind myself that no matter what happens there is still movement in terms of slowly acquainting myself with ways and methods to deal with whatever emerges, also accepting that which has been revealed, all those deeply “negative” aspects of who I am. And thus I found that every small change or realization is valuable in the overall process and these are worth writing about.

 

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Day 306: The Disease Of Loneliness

The last week was a period of some insight into myself, a rather difficult one, where I have started to see myself more clearly as what I have become and how I have been living in relation to everything and everyone, for a long time now. Sometimes I am using the Osho cards to assist myself with opening up the points for consideration. One card that kept coming up was Miser to which initially I did not pay much attention but slowly the awareness of myself as that has grown and is now undeniable, it’s here in my face.

The description of the card in the book:

This woman has created a fortress around herself, and she is clinging to all the possessions she thinks are her treasures. In fact, she has accumulated so much stuff with which to adorn herself–including the feathers and furs of living creatures–that she has made herself ugly in the effort. This card challenges us to look at what we are clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable it needs to be protected by a fortress. It needn’t be a big bank balance or a box full of jewels–it could be something as simple as sharing our time with a friend, or taking the risk of expressing our love to another. Like a well that is sealed up and becomes stagnant from disuse, our treasures become tarnished and worthless if we refuse to share them. Whatever you’re holding on to, remember that you can’t take it with you. Loosen your grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring.

The are many aspects of this in my case which are intertwined between each other and I can see that it will be an effort to take it all apart. Sharing is perhaps the biggest word encompassing many parts: like the inability to share myself with another where I take much for granted together with lack of gratitude for the people I have in my world and what they have done for me. Judging everything and everyone, trying to elevate myself and in this diminishing everyone else. Valuing my space so much that no one feels welcome in it. These are the main patterns I am aware of.

Until now I was somehow managing to hide this truth from myself by occupying my mind with more benevolent thoughts building on top of who I am underneath. It’s like layers of me that I exist as and as I peel one layer another gets exposed.

This exposure became possible through the conscious effort to stop participation in the usual thoughts that pre-occupy me day in and day out. This is where I started to feel quite a discomfort because I was no longer feeding myself with the energy to keep the outer layer characters, thus exposing that which is hiding under the surface – the Miser. What lurks even deeper is yet to be discovered, but even seeing this part of myself is challenging, and even here there are many dimension that i will have to work with.

As I become more aware of the miser within me, I can see that there many aspects of it coming from various sources. Unsurprisingly the main source appears to be coming from the family. It is interesting how I was always aware of this point in my environment but I managed to distance myself from that and actually fooled myself that I am better. And yes, there was a period where I was actively breaking this bond and living the openness and sharing, but somehow in time, I have hardened myself, became lazy and simply fell back into the tracks of who I was always supposed to be as the pre-programmed self. Money for sure seems to be an important factor in this shift, because I can see that since getting a job and starting to earn money and participating in the system and in this having to put up a mask – I have compromised much and never truly found a way to create a healthy balance. To be in the system but not of it – this is the point I have missed. It was much easier to simply give in and completely become a “normal” part of the system, in this no effort, no courage, no self-will is required. Just running on a default setting.

Considering myself to be a part of the Desteni group which stands for life and the end of abuse in every way, with only minimum participation, was kind of enough to feel a tiny bit better about myself and in this way manage the madness of the reality of me. It gave me the stability but no further growth. It’s the same with everything in life – if you do the minimum this is what you get. Surely being part of Desteni even at minimum participation and in this getting stability is a good deal for anyone because if we look around in the world there is much disharmony and stability is hard to come by. This is like the first step to get to, like a platform from where more things can be considered. Thus, I am grateful for being able to utilize this platform, as all the people within it, the available courses, the thousands of interviews on EQAFE on every imaginable topic for every possible eventuality of life. I truly have to humble myself here and give thanks to the people who make this possible and whom I have taken for granted due to my miserly attitude that I have accepted as myself without truly questioning it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take people and things in my reality for granted, to take without giving back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a fortress inside and outside where only that can enter which benefits me as who I have accepted myself to be as the character of greed and self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down any regard for people immediately dismissing them through judgment and unwillingness to consider the deeper, common ground we all share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fortress where I protect myself from experiencing the pain in me or another, where not all is welcome but only that which fits my limited rules of engagement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create as myself the characters of apparent benevolence when the outer manifested reality as all my actions shows clearly that I am existing in complete separation and disregard for what is here in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into and as the mind characters with absolute minimum connection to life essence, just enough to feed and sustain myself as the mind characters and maintain relative stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everything through my limited frames of definition, categorizing and classifying everything, including myself, where thus I am trying to place myself in a better position compared to others because apparently my survival depends on that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have become a part of the biggest disease inflicting humanity as that of separation and isolation from each other and all that is here as life where through the fear of survival and fear of each other we are creating our own demise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deal only with symptoms of my disease by trying to feel better about myself, creating various ideas and believes about myself to keep myself stable instead of moving myself to discover the actual problem and where it is coming from to thus give myself the opportunity to see and live the potential that is here

I commit myself to continue self-investigation, sourcing all the courage possible to keep looking at myself as what I have become and in this find ways to forgive and correct myself

I commit myself to stop the pattern of only dealing with the symptoms of my disease/the separation that I exist in and as by trying to create relative stability in my life to actually walking and facing the deeper truth of myself

I commit myself to become comfortable with the discomfort of seeing myself for real by first accepting the parts of me that are in separation and then finding the most effective ways to transform into that which is best for all

I commit myself to continue the process of developing my awareness of the patterns that I utilize to hide from the truth of me and challenge those patterns by stopping my participation/feeding of those patterns with energy

I commit myself to work on developing the ability to welcome all parts of me into my life where I also develop self-trust to know that I can deal with whatever comes

To be continued…

 

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.