Day 299: New Job and the Discovery of Stress

thI have started a new job recently and in this position I’ve had moments that were rather intense. Throughout my life I have pretty much avoided any responsibility and all the jobs I had in the past were essentially an easy ride for me. I did observe the people who would get stressed in their jobs and I could not relate or understand how you get to such a point.

In this new job, however, my understanding expanded and I have had the moments where it seemed like I was on the edge of breaking down because of the workload and the pressure to get things done. Despite these moments being tough I found that they are also an opportunity to expand and break the limitations I had about what is possible. Essentially what I have learned is that when those intense moments come there is no time for thinking, no time for distraction and all the focus and attentions must be absolutely here on the task. I was satisfied with myself after being able to manage these moments and each time when the same moments with same intensity came I was able to find my stability more quickly and be more effective.

So I am glad that I am finally learning what it means to focus myself on something so completely and where you get things done for real. It took me a long time to get to this point because I resisted change a lot, I was always fearing and anticipating the worst, holding also the belief that I require more and more preparation to start something without realizing that there is only so much you can prepare and that without real application of the knowledge there is no improvement possible.

In this little journey I found that there are many factors which determine how we will handle stress and most are within our ability to direct and perfect ourselves within yet what I also found is that the system is sometimes too demanding thus pushing individuals too hard without considering their needs and abilities.

I have seen people being constantly under stress and where that stress is accumulating from day to day leading to undesirable consequences. In this blog I would like to note one important factor I have noticed which revels quite accurately that there are problems. And that is SLEEP patterns. This seems to be a prevalent problem in our current work environment. I have spoken to many people and it is obvious that it’s a big issue which is not addressed and given the significance it deserves. When I started working in my new position I have worked very long hours but at the same time I noticed that I also required longer sleeping hours to “digest” all the new information so to speak and it worked very well where the next day I would wake up with a clear mind ready to take the new challenges of the day. When this cycle is disturbed the challenges become burdens which accumulate and may lead to mental and physical exhaustion. Here are some very supportive blogs on this subject for anyone having sleep issues:

Oh! Good night’s rest, Good night’s rest…wherefore art thou Good night’s rest

Sleeping: Trying to fight a losing battle

To Sleep or Not to Sleep – the Dilemma with Tiredness

When I want to Sleep my problems away – yet my problems keep me Awake…

It’s unfortunate that the system we live in sometimes places unreasonable demands by forcing us, through the fear of survival, to keep working and producing results without considering simple, common sense needs of the individuals. So by doing the best we can in our individual lives we also have to pay attention and seek bigger solutions that would challenge the current system to change it into one that considers real physical needs of all humans as well as animals and plants. I support the movement of “Living Income Guaranteed” which addresses these issues by providing practical solutions to our sleepless nights.

More on Stress:

Is it Possible For Stress to be Constructive?



Day 212: Hard to admit I am wrong

I have spent the last week with a being within whom I observed the pattern of being absolutely resistant to admit any mistake to the extreme where he can argue endlessly justifying his righteousness. So I keep asking myself where in my world and reality I am doing the same as this point is so clearly and so intensely right here in my face. So by observing him and all the ways in how this pattern plays out I was studying the nature of reactions and justifications behind it. One thing I can clearly identify is the existing character of “I know better” or “I can’t be wrong” where within this main justifications to support the character is memory and experience.

Taking the point back to myself I can definitely see how I am existing within this character, especially when and as I am interacting with younger beings in my reality and where the situation or some specific task is something that is similar or the same to that which I experienced/have performed in the past. And so within this the way in which I was doing/performing tasks is seen as the “right” way and the longer I have been doing this task in that specific way the more ingrained it becomes and becomes like the only way to do it where as a consequence it becomes difficult to consider alternatives. From here when somebody makes a comment or tries to explain to me another way, I immediately go into reaction, by all means holding on to my truth, before even investigating another view. Here starts a power game of wanting to sell “my way”. Even though externally it might look that I am listening to another but within me, in my backchat I am already planning how to prove my righteousness and the faultiness of another.

There are of course instances where what I am trying to do is let’s say more effective in relation to physical practical considerations yet the existence of reaction and backchat shows my fall in the face of integrity of life. So in that situation I am already proving myself to be wrong within living application regardless of the “superior” practical aspect of the task involved that I am trying to present.

The realization here is simple – absolute stability, no matter what, is required, where no movement as reaction or thoughts towards another exist. Only here the point can be brought to solution as only in that kind of environment real communication can be established where all parties involved can arrive on common solution. When the reactive energy games begin the actual solution as what is best for is not possible – it’s like a mini war that starts where parties involved gather their artillery of arguments to prove each other wrong and come out as a winner.

I have seen this today within me when working with other beings where at some point I couldn’t agree with a decision that was made by my superior at work. I had within me a reaction with which I haven’t dealt in the moment and so it continued to spiral into more aggressive forms of rivalry. It continued into backchat where I was looking for any arguments to my favor to prove myself right and later it became secret physical actions that went against the decision of my superior. So it’s like really nasty stuff that is happening and in my mind and I mean I really tried to make this event insignificant convincing myself that there is nothing wrong about it. I AM actually right so I had every right to react the way I did. While all the while the whole relationship with others has become schizophrenic where I say and present myself in one way but the thoughts and backchat tell completely different story.

So it’s really amazing how much disgraceful mind fucks are happening when the mind is allowed the freedom to continue without directive intervention. So I am holding myself accountable for all such situations realizing that this cannot continue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when another makes a comment about my performance where in this I hold the believe that I know better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accordingly resist intervening in the actions of others to make comments/suggestions even when seeing that improvements can be made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how this example shows that we as humans are allowing each other the free will to do things “my way” regardless of seeing and realizing that the old way is not necessary a good when considering the bigger picture of reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way I have always been doing things is the right way and in this try to silence any voice telling me otherwise perceiving the voice as a rival that wants to take away my control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in the secret mind when I am not able to get “my way” immediately where in this I am “building a case” against another to eventually come out as a winner
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequence of this allowance of secret mind within me where in the end I separate myself into various mind alternate realities through which I then manipulate and deceive those around me just to get the last say instead of living here as equal to others and finding solutions that are best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this whole reality exists within the same patterns where each is trying to sell their way as the only way never considering everything and everyone involved thus creating a disharmony among all parts of existence in the name of self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my righteousness based on memory and experience perceiving within this that “I know better” where in this there is no actual investigation and cross-reference to actually test the best possible way that works for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never learn in my life open and transparent communication where I would be able to discuss with another, as equal to myself, the best possible solutions for the task at hand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and irritation when somebody claims they “they know better” and who act on their actions without properly communicating about it so that all would be on the same level of understanding

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am doing exactly the same in my reality when I get the chance and opportunity to do so and within this elevate myself and be proud of myself as apparently being in control

I commit myself to consider all beings within the decisions I make where I make sure that the decision is understood and comprehended equally by all parties involved

When and as I see myself entering a reactive state when seeing another do things differently from what I would have done I stop myself, I take a deep breath and realize that energetic reaction is creating the consequence of division and in that moment I simply move myself to communicate openly about the point to within that see other beings point of view and from here with the total picture of the situation/event I am make the decision that is best for all

I commit myself to stop all reaction when somebody else challenges me within my actions realizing that if I am completely honest within my actions I have nothing to hide and fear and I should be able to explain the point in absolute specificity without any reaction

I commit myself to remain always open for improvement welcoming other beings to comment/provide feedback on my actions and within that establishing equal understanding about what is being done


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Day 115: “Imagination” character


Ok so this point came up today where I have seen how within communication with my work colleagues we are just daydreaming basically where we imagine/fantasize about what we would like to do instead of actually making practical investigation and actually taking practical steps to achieve our goals.  What we do is we look at people that have higher positions/higher incomes and we imagine ourselves being in those positions and how cool it would be to be where they are. From here the usual pattern is to enter the fantasy phase creating different scenarios of how we could become more influential/have higher income jobs. So I have seen today how actually desperate that all is and how stupidly that sounds and where within that I was angered with myself for allowing myself to exist in this state of basically giving up on myself and being at peace about the position I am where there is no actual consideration about reality and how we can move ourselves to become what we want to become. In that moment of seeing where I was participating I started to bring the fantasizing minds back to reality and looking physically/practically at the possibilities/steps we could take to make our dreams a reality. This wasn’t easy as the minds where constantly turning/directing the reality into imaginations that have no possibility to be manifested in our lives. So within that I saw that the mind has a point of hopelessness when seeing the actual road that has to be walked in order to actually expand and grow in living. Yet at the same time it was intriguing and motivational for all of us to consider the reality and self-honestly look at where we are and what we can do to make the change. There was certainly lack of clarity about knowing what one actually wants to do and what one could do based on the accumulated skills throughout one’s life.

Also I have seen within that that there was like an acceptance/making peace with the placement of where one finds oneself as if that is unchangeable/not for me/not in this lifetime. As if existing only in hope that something/somewhere might happen and in some miraculous way we will achieve our goals. Within that we then looked at the time/the years we are already here on this earth  and how we are actually wasting each year away without ever making significant decisions/steps towards a change. There are a lot of statements of “maybes”, “perhaps”, “hopefully” etc. that take all the power away from us and keeps within the state of inactions and indecisiveness.

So I am glad I noticed this pattern within myself and to become aware how I keep myself stuck in the current position – thus there is an urgent necessity to stop all imagination and bring myself back to reality and grow and expand in the REAL world instead expanding myself in the world of my imagination and hopes.

Will continue with Self-forgiveness statement for this allowance to hold myself stuck within powerless and hopelessness and thus return myself to practical living with real physical actions that stand on a strong decision to make something out of my life and move myself into a position of more power and responsibility where within that I always ensure that all my actions are always directed in bringing a world that is best for all and where no one ever has to envy another for where and who another is or how much money one makes.


Day 35: Resistance is Futile


Today at work our superior got angry with us because we didn’t do the work that was expected and as a result of the little speech that we got from him we, as the group, went into the mode of resistance. The egos got hurt.  When observing my own mind I saw that I was in a fighting mode where on the one had I could understand that there is certain agreement that we made coming here and this includes obeying the commands of the superiors, I mean it’s how the system functions, yet still I was backchatting about this specific guy where I couldn’t understand why one has to be such a hardass and exert his control in depreciating people on matters that are completely irrelevant for the effective functioning of the system. So I blamed him for making it personal where he simply wanted to show that he is in control.

After the incident one of my colleagues started going through his memories in proving how bad is the guy and asked me to confirm that he is right. I gladly did.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist getting orders from my superior not realizing that what you resist persists meaning that through my resistance as energetic reactions I am simply feeding the whole system to remain as it is

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, understand and realize that the mind system in which we find ourselves in and as is dependent on energy that each one of us generate through our thoughts feelings and emotions thus my reactions towards receiving orders from the superior is keeping my mind system locked within the big system where I simply play my part of being energy generator

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only way to stop the abuse of me and of all the other beings in existence is by stopping my participation within my thoughts, feelings and emotions where I no longer act as a generator of energy for the system and where within that I stand stable as my breath simply seeing the system as it is as mathematical codes as agreements by which we as humans move within the system and where within that I act accordingly without any personal attachments but by the principle of changing all the existing agreements of this world to the point where they consider equally all that is here on this earth and existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my superior where within that I created a relationship of superior/inferior towards him and where now I have to constantly and continually sustain this relationship through having thoughts feelings and emotions towards him and where I am lost as my breath unable to see the actuality of how the system operates and what has to be done to correct myself within it to be able to stand equal to it and from here make change within the agreements that this system exist in and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip about my superior in trying to diminish him and uplift myself – basically fighting as my ego to hold my “honor” that was wounded by the actions of my superior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the ego that can be hurt instead of realizing that the whole system simply functions according to specific rules and agreements and that reacting to and resisting the rules is totally useless but instead I have to stop taking things personally and educate myself specifically what are these rules and agreement that systems works by and within that move myself efficiently and effectively where I place myself within the system in a position where I can stand as a decision maker and thus create new rules and agreements that will honor all beings equally and where dignity of each being will be restored

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my superiors for the decisions they make instead of standing equal to them within realization that I have abdicated the decision making processes to them because of my unwillingness to take responsibility for myself and my reality


Thus I commit myself to educate myself about the functioning of the system to thus be able to stand equal to my superiors and where I can be heard as the voice of reason showing in common sense simplicity what we are actually doing by participating in this system that values profit above life

I commit myself remove all fear in communicating with my superior so that through communication with them I could stand equal to them and through communication revel slowly but surely the lives that we all accepted and allowed

I commit myself to stop all backtalking about any person where I turn backtalking into facetalking – where I realize that if fear to talk directly and face another being exists it means I am being self-dishonest and hiding self-interest

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Day 29: Desiring People to Change before I Change Myself


When observing people at work I am constantly trying to identify any individuals that might be able to understand the Desteni message. I am specially drawn to people that remind me in some way the Destonians that I know.  Within that a spark of hope lights up within me and I start watching them very closely to try and see who they are in their expression. I look whether there is something that is within them that would prove that they are not yet lost in their mind realities but still have some life within them screaming and asking to get out.

I don’t speak or share myself openly here at work because I am afraid that might cost me my position. I tried to do that before and it didn’t work well so now I remain mostly silent and communicate only work related matters. Still there is a desire within me to have someone to talk to and share myself because being surrounded day in and day out by just human ignorance is kind of sad and I get a bit lonely. I try to connect with people but still I can’t get beyond the superficial level that we all present here at work, basically out of fear of survival. I mean people have to sustain their personalities with all the relationships because that is something they know and something that ensures their income and survival. The same with me – I have learned how to hold myself to not make any ripples and thus ensure my position. It’s like an armor that I wear daily within which I become like the rest – insensitive to pain of the truth of me and this reality.

So existing within this armor I cannot really communicate to people to see who they really are thus I am just closely observing them and trying to find something that slips within their behavior. Another problem is the language as most here are Dutch speakers, the language I do not understand. So I am left with body language. So basically I cannot really assess people without direct communication and so I am mostly assuming and hoping.

Most of the time I am left disappointed as those whom I initially categorized as sensitive, caring beings prove that they are not really that. I mean it’s like you see within almost all people that goodness inside but it’s completely covered by the role personality that they play and which is very hard to break.

So after all I am in a way discarding this place because there is just too much fear for people to open up because opening up means some pain and that weakness is not allowed here, not in the system of survival. Still within that I cannot allow myself the emotion of uselessness and sadness to take over me because that immediately reflects in my environment and people start to react around me and freak out a little. So I really have remain stable here, which so far I have been doing with balancing my thoughts instead of learning to be stable within my breath. When I try and remain in breath everything kind of opens up and I am not able to handle myself – which obviously requires practice and patience.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the uselessness when seeing all the people at work where within that uselessness I become sad and depressed thus compromising my stability within self-application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people for being so ignorant and only care for self-interest and who look at people that care for this world as crazy and weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing to people that I care for this world because when I do I get misunderstood and called crazy and thus within that I fear that I will not be able to handle peoples attacks and thus lose my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for people that would show that they care for this world instead of doing it myself and thus within seeing people’s reactions I would know who is who

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself and what I am doing even when people show genuine interest to listen where within that I haven’t realized that I can find a way how to present myself in a way that wouldn’t compromise my position at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain people as being untrustworthy without really knowing them where I hide myself from them at all costs as I believe they might expose me to all and I will not be able to stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my application of self –forgiveness and self-corrective applications is useless because I am not even able to share such simple things as that I care for this world where within that I go into the feeling of uselessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe humanity doesn’t stand a chance because I don’t see any sign from anyone in my reality that would show that they care even a little without realizing that in my current placement I am also the same because of the pressure that system puts making us play our roles and keep the earning capacity of the company stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from others to take actions that I am not willing to take myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from people to stand within the system without realizing that they have no clue what to do as they have never been exposed to any plausible alternatives – like equal money system

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be patient in self-application where I develop myself into a being that can stand stable no matter what happens and from there start challenging the system – so the work start with myself and myself alone


I commit myself to work on myself until I can stand unwavering in each situation that I face in my world and from there knowing that people will start asking questions themselves as they will see an alternative with their own eyes

I commit myself to stop searching for change outside myself before I change within, where I realize that the external change can only come together or after the inner change happens as it is obvious looking at the state of the world which is a reflection of our inner realities – as for example the manifestation of war which is equal and one to how we rage wars inside ourselves

I commit myself to be the change without wanting/desiring my world to change as the desire/want implies that I haven’t changed inside – and when I change inside the outer will follow as I will live the change as myself making a ripple effect in my world and reality

I commit myself to stop all needs/wants/desires in relation to changing people and focusing totally and completely upon myself where I first understand in utmost specificity how I function as mind consciousness system and from there seeing and understanding the path that needs to be walked to implement the change – where I can later assist and support people to walk the same path

I commit myself to practice breathing application as I see it’s the single most important factor in determining my ability move effectively in my process of change


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Day 27: Testing Day 26

Continuing on the pattern of facing conflict. So as I opened the point yesterday and applied self-forgiveness and self-corrective application I was already more or less aware how I participate within this construct and what are the main components that constitute this pattern. Today I had an opportunity to test myself and see how I will handle my usual conflict situation. So having done this little self-investigation I basically knew where to place red flags when walking through it. I could see today that I was cycling over and over through the same pattern of behavior when having a conflict. It would always start with something little where I would do something to cause a reaction within another – then, taking the reaction personally, no matter how hard I would convince myself that it is not personal and that I should just move on, I would shut down within myself and slowly sink into my thoughts rethinking over and over that one point where the conflict bursted. In the end I would become resistant to communicate to people and through that I would cause more suppression and basically perpetuate the problem into something big within myself where I would even manifest that by acting with confusion and unawareness thus making more mistakes and thus causing more reactions as layers on the first one that I haven’t dealt with. That would last for some time until the energy runs out and I am again able to communicate normally.

So today after I caused the reaction and the cycle was about to spin out of control I walked away alone for a minute from all the people involved and I applied self-forgiveness aloud. Even though I haven’t scripted this behavior within my corrective statements I found that it’s the thing to do and actually very supportive. When I started speaking to myself I began to see the points of how I was acting, what I was doing, my expectations, blame, anger, self-judgments. Within that I could feel how I was unburdening myself from this weight of thoughts and emotions that I was so immersed within. So in this way I managed to return from the dead so to speak. And immediately after I was done I returned to my usual work environment and faced the people in it. I remember when I just opened the door and walked in – one of the guys said: “oh you’re alive”. I laughed and after a moment realized that yes he is right I made a decision to not go through with my self-programmed behavior pattern and better direct myself out of it – so yes being self-directive means to be alive as opposed to existing in an automated state of mind.

The whole chain of events that went from there was not easy because I felt really disorientated as I could see how the consequence of that initial moment was still paying out and it seemed that all the events happening were placed to break me into the old pattern – so I really had to be aware and focused in each moment and stand within myself in each moment making the decision to not give up. So it was really amazing at the end of the day to see that I didn’t break and didn’t give in into my usual way of “living”. Of course I realize that this one instant doesn’t mean yet that it’s done and I am over with dealing with this pattern that I relived so many times in my life. Perhaps it will take as many times to go through it within self-directive manner as it took to program myself in the destructive way. At least I was able to prove to myself that I am able to push myself and get it done.

One thing I still I noticed  that I didn’t enjoy was that within pushing myself to communicate with people I would often compromise myself by saying stupid things that I knew they expected from me. Here I mean the usual responses of how people communicate. So it’s like I directed myself out of the usual pattern of behavior but I didn’t direct it in a way that is best for all. Although when I look at it from another angle – I equalized myself with the environment which is the first step where the second is to then find ways how to direct it. So I am basically just within the first step where I stabilize myself in stopping my emotional cycles. From there, without being energy possessed I will be much more able to see my environment as it really is where then I can start looking into new directions of how to become the best I can be in relation to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my environment and that I will not be able to stand stable indefinitely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea that constant awareness of self is very difficult and tiring where within that I want to give into my mind and relax within it giving it all the power to act for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect a fuckup that will cause me to go back into my old pattern of behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past is stronger than my ability to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change as it bring with it a lot self-responsibility that I believe I am not ready to handle

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that my old life sucks and thus I to really push myself to change and expand myself no matter how difficult it gets

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that if I resist change I will simply spin endlessly in the same cycles of behavior getting nowhere and that who I am now is just a mind consciousness system robot fully supporting the system through existing in thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus supporting all that this system stands for as greed, abuse, violence, etc. thus I realize that I am responsible not only for myself but for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have a choice whether to change or not which is like choosing between life and death – surely I want to life, because I can see that me as well as all humans have the potential for so much more than we currently exist as this limited and greedy existence

I commit myself to keep standing within myself where I do not allow my mind to direct me and scare me from change that I know I am capable of

I commit myself to stop all my emotional and feeling cycles where I become a stable being that can see and act in ways that is best for all

I commit myself to stop all fear when facing my new self that I write daily into existence

I commit to change and through that change show others that change is possible and through that change we can actually become much more than we currently believe we are

I commit to never stop writing, investigating and correcting myself until I am satisfied with who I am and what this world is – where all live equally happy lives

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