Day 224: Talking Myself Away

 

I am sure I have written before on this point yet here I am again at the same spot, being reminded about the existence of it, and through self-observation noticing that “Hey I am still living it and haven’t corrected myself properly”. And probably there are more out there who have the same point, yet not all, realize the consequences that are being created.

“Substitution” is a well-known psychological effect: when you announce your goals to people, you receive psychological satisfaction, and it makes it less likely you achieve them.

So it’s the point of talking to people about the things I want to achieve while not having yet walked the practical steps to see the reality of what I am talking about. The experience shows and reveals that this talk just remains in that level- a discussion, which only makes me feel good for a while, as if I am really doing it and achieving it– while, as I said, no practical results are really achieved.

So this has been a big part of my reality and I see there are some dimensions as the reasons of why I am participating in this behavior.

Here are some trigger points I am able to identify that are pushing me to begin this pattern: “keeping the conversation with another”. “wanting to make another party interested in the conversation”, “seeking approval and support”, “being excited and thus sharing all the news”, “wanting to look as an honest person, as if saying – look my life is transparent, no secrets”, “wanting to get some insights, ideas, suggestions from others”

Still no matter how beautiful the justifications sound the facts remain the same – most of what I was sharing never came into being. Also interesting to note is that that the more I shared and talked about something the less likely it was ever to manifest in real life. Somehow through this talking I create and evolve my alternate reality of my goals into a beautiful and desirable point of fruition that has no connection to the reality of where I am actually standing and within this it becomes extraordinarily difficult to face the actual reality versus the imagined dream world that I created in my mind by talking, sharing, discussing what I want to achieve in my life.

Since I wrote on the point in the past I have reduced this extensive pattern within me, but still it’s influencing my reality greatly. Just today this point happened again and even though, I told myself that I am not sharing this with anyone before I actually move myself within and instead of talking through words I will talk in results – it was one of the first things I have shared and talked about with another.

So perhaps I can now formally state to myself that I have a form of OCD here that I need to address and get myself out of this loop of ineffective lifestyle and so get to real living where I am moving myself as myself with myself until it’s done and my practical reality now can stand with my words which previously were only empty shells pretending to be alive.

I will continue tomorrow with the process of self-correction to ensure that whenever the desire to enter the pattern comes I direct myself towards a solution of simple practical living

 

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Day 182: I am not good enough” character – backchat dimension (Part4)

 

 

This blog is a continuation within the series of blogs I am writing about “I am not good enough” character which manifests itself within situations where I have to take action by making a decision to actively participate in my everyday reality. In this blog I am looking at the dimension of backchat/inner conversations that manifest when I allow the character to continue.

Introductory Blog

 

Fear Dimension

Fear of being judged
Fear of making mistakes
Fear of confrontation/people
Fear of losing myself and that which I know
Fear of not being able to handle the truth of me
Fear of losing free choice
Fear of the responsibility

 

Thought dimension

Seeing myself in a situation that goes out of hand and I cannot control it
Seeing a picture that is empty/blank
Seeing a picture of myself where I am being screamed at/called out

 

Backchat dimension

How will people react when I change from being silent/introverted guy to suddenly being active in my participation
I just cannot start participating with people from my surroundings because the topics they discuss are useless and of pure self-interest
If I start participating/interacting actively I will have to sustain that and will not have the free time I used to have
I am not good at applying knowledge practically, I spent too much time just reading and listening to others
I just have to start doing it and it will work out
I do not have the critical thinking skills like others do, all I did was follow others thought out my life
*Here I will add more backchat if/when I find more during the process of writing 

 

Self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the negative backchat “I am not good at applying knowledge practically, I spent too much time just reading and listening to others” as self-judgment where I sabotage myself instead of looking at what is here within stability of my breath and so make a self-directive decision to correct the point which I am not satisfied with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate how and why I am not allowing myself to apply the knowledge and information practically for myself and instead go into negative experience of self-judgmental backchat pulling myself deeper and deeper into the mind’s process from where I initiate reactions and physical behavior thus validating/perpetuating the character “I am not good enough”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this backchat to direct and influence who I am in the moment instead of realizing the simplicity of practical application and walking the necessary steps in and as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the backchat to run within me unchecked as if it is actually real instead of, within the moment of catching myself in my mind talking to myself, give myself a moment to see what exactly this backchat is indicating and how I can correct the moment towards the outcome of self-stability and effectiveness

I commit myself to within catching myself backchatting and thus sabotaging my application stop myself, breathe and focus on the process of correction where within that I utilize all the available resources of support that exists here

 

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Visit the new “Desteni I Process Lite”course that has been launched recently for all those who are willing to understand,  in practical self-application, the reality of self
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EQAFE
Equal Money System 
Heaven’s Journey to Life
Creation’s Journey to Life

Day 153: Push the button to stop the mind

 

 

In this blog and blogs to come I will write the patterns I identified in my previous blog in how I approach tasks/assignments in relation to my studies. Within this I will be correcting/removing all the blocks/resistances so I could study effectively and expand myself in my reality.

Here continuing with the backchat dimension:

Backchat

This will take me a long time

There is no way I can learn all this information

I have to do this or I will never finish the school

I don’t have enough time for this

I have to shut down my mind in order to study effectively

 

 

I have to shut down my mind in order to study effectively

This definitely is an obstruction for me in starting the process of learning because this idea exists that I have to shut down the mind first, where within that I should apparently become able to see directly what I am studying with full and complete understanding.

So I am basically implying within this statement that first I have to become like a superman that knows and sees everything. This now reveals my skewed idea of what it means to live without a mind. And I can see that this pattern of desiring to become something more than I am has been a part of me since I was a kid. Influence of movies and cartoons can definitely be traced here.

I mean I am trying to get an idea of what it means to exist without the limitation of the mind yet I cannot in any way see what that actually means and so basically within that I only create various delusional ideas which as a consequence take me away from the simplicity of my physical existence here. Instead of working with what is here in front of me I entertain ideas in the mind furthering myself more and more from just being here. Time to stop ideas and live a real life without trying to figure everything through thinking about it and instead get to know my reality through real physical everyday interaction, observing and participating with beings, creating relationships that are supportive and based on integrity and caring.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this constant desire to be somewhere else instead of stopping the endless search to finally see -I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run run run to nowhere instead of allowing myself to really stop for a moment and adjust my pace into an alignment with what is here as my physical reality which is slow and has the laws according to which things happen and so the understanding of these laws and their practical application is the key to effectiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I would be fucked if I shut down my mind right now as I haven’t learned yet how to live one and equal to everything that is here in the physical thus I stop all delusion in the mind about stopping the mind and return back to earth to learn about how things function over here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am living in hope because within my statement “I have to shut down my mind in order to study effectively” I am saying that until I shut down my mind I cannot study, yet without studying about myself and how my mind functions I will never get to know myself and so will never be able to stop myself as who I am as the mind – so my refusal to study myself shows that I am just ignorantly existing within hope

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if/when I shut down my mind I will become some super human walking on earth, assisting everyone, helping the mankind to transcend the evilness that we have become where again this shows the foolishness of my imaginative mind through which I keep myself entertained with bullshit instead of moving myself in this reality physically, practically

 

So I commit myself to stop existing in hope in my mind and get to earth and follow the rules of the earth where I always consider the practical reality and this I do through reminding myself to remain here in breath where no thoughts/backchats/imaginations influence my living in any way

I commit myself to end the race towards the ideas in my mind realizing the uselessness of chasing the dreams of my mind and thus apply myself daily in writing and investigating my physical reality that in all ways determine my living as the only and real power that exists here

I commit myself to realize that I make the decision in each moment who I am and thus I make the decision to remain here and become effective in my living without needing any imaginative preconditioned ideas to be fulfilled before I can do that

 

Day 147: Inviting structure into my living

 

This blog I want to make about something that definitely requires correction in my life and that is – structure of practical living. That was never a part of who I am, I never liked schedules, commitments, budgeting etc., all those things that require calculation, planning. I existed/exist within the believe ‘it’s gonna be fine, it always is’ so there is no need to overdo it, ‘it’s just a waste of time’

However now in my life I am facing a small regret for never allowing myself to develop this skill of understanding the design of practical everyday living and through this understanding basically how to direct/design my life in a most effective way.

Through existing in this mode of total abdication of responsibility I am basically just a slave to external events. The only thing I developed through this style of life is the ability to adapt to different circumstances yet in no way being in control of anything that happens. When something unpredictable happens I go into an immediate shock within me, for a short while, and then I find way to reprogram myself and adapt to the new situation. There is no practical response to the presenting situation in a moment because I did not bother to understand the situation beforehand and thus I have no idea how it functions, what is involved and how to move immediately in and as a new direction.

One of the justifications I use for this kind of accepted living is “there is just no way I can take into account all the variables that are possible within each situation, anything can happen thus I will not even bother to get to understand the probabilities, the functionality”. It’s definitely a lame excuse as I see it now to not take the responsibility for my life and direct it as best as I can.

This “go with the flow” pattern is all encompassing approach I take within all areas of my existence and essentially makes me completely powerless to produce any change that I claim I am willing to bring. This pattern stopped me for a long time actually investigating my own mind and how exactly, specifically I am functioning in my world. This leads to many assumptions about who I am, also hope that I will change instead of self-directive approach ensuring the certainty of change through actual understanding/comprehension of all parts of my existence.

So it is time to remove the justifications and invite the structure into my daily living where I start with the small things – like organizing my day, choosing the best and most effective structure to move through any given day. To structure and understand my relationship with money for example where now it’s a loose puddle where I have money, I have expenses but the specificity of how and where and when etc. is completely nonexistent. “I am sure I’ll fine” again the inner conversation comes into mind telling to leave everything as it is and move on without “wasting” time. Ok, maybe it is not necessary to count every penny yet the general idea about my financial situation is definitely necessary.

When I was reading some time ago a little about the successful people in this reality it was very clear that they share the attention to detail/specificity where they have perfectly developed skill in applied mathematics, knowing exactly where they stand in each situation. So this reveals that anyone who is willing to stand within the system has to understand the system in absolute detail. Even who I am as the mind personality functions very specifically with different programs running within me – making me react specifically in specific situation – so all this has to be understood in order to have a self-directive choice in each moment to choose the best outcome – that which is best for all.

 

 

Day 139: Doing some physical work during the day

 

Going through the days I am looking at my process of how to balance my activities more effectively. I have seen the importance of having some physical work each day – to make sure the body gets some movement and has daily touch with the physical.

Today I went outside and looked at the tasks I have to do around the house. There were quite a few menial tasks to be done which I resisted wanting to do something more important, something that requires more skill. So through this resistance to just do what has to be done I have spent lots of time in the mind planning and contemplating bigger jobs that I could do. I could see in the moment how I am sabotaging myself and yet I could not make a decision about what actually I want to do. Choice is messing things up. How about removing the choice and doing what needs to be done – task by task.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be something more/to have greater skills where I go into my memory seeing how working with my uncle I was always doing menial tasks never learning the work that requires more skill

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my uncle that he never trusted me with more responsible tasks not realizing that I was never willing to take that responsibility and never really communicated my willingness to learn but always gladly remained in the background assisting with little things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see every job as too big where I think about the whole process that I will have to go through and within that creating a resistance to walk all this difficult road instead of starting with step one and walking in breath and in specificity and enjoyment which I have seen actually emerges when I would get involved in the task without all the preconceived ideas about it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay making decision about the what task to do and thus floating in the space of indecisiveness and so approaching my environment half ass

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how this state of indecisive mind reflects itself in all my interactions with people where I am obviously not completely here with and as the task but also somewhere else in my thoughts imagining and projecting other things that I wanted to rather do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek some kind of perfections where I walk the whole process of doing the task in the mind and where I already see the final result – yet when the actual work from step one needs to be started I begin to doubt that I will be able to manifest this mind creation in such a way as I have thought in the mind and within that I discourage myself from doing the task and usually end up finding an excuse to not do it at all

 

I commit myself to stop projecting the tasks I have to do into future and remain here within the realization that process will unfold in physically starting the task

I commit myself to stop defining jobs as less or more and just do what needs to be done in the moment

I commit myself to stop defining myself as incapable for certain jobs where I simply realize that it is a process to educate myself about it and within that I walk the necessary steps

I commit myself to quick and considerate decisions in the moment and within that immediately proceed with the physical process of the day

Day 115: “Imagination” character

 

Ok so this point came up today where I have seen how within communication with my work colleagues we are just daydreaming basically where we imagine/fantasize about what we would like to do instead of actually making practical investigation and actually taking practical steps to achieve our goals.  What we do is we look at people that have higher positions/higher incomes and we imagine ourselves being in those positions and how cool it would be to be where they are. From here the usual pattern is to enter the fantasy phase creating different scenarios of how we could become more influential/have higher income jobs. So I have seen today how actually desperate that all is and how stupidly that sounds and where within that I was angered with myself for allowing myself to exist in this state of basically giving up on myself and being at peace about the position I am where there is no actual consideration about reality and how we can move ourselves to become what we want to become. In that moment of seeing where I was participating I started to bring the fantasizing minds back to reality and looking physically/practically at the possibilities/steps we could take to make our dreams a reality. This wasn’t easy as the minds where constantly turning/directing the reality into imaginations that have no possibility to be manifested in our lives. So within that I saw that the mind has a point of hopelessness when seeing the actual road that has to be walked in order to actually expand and grow in living. Yet at the same time it was intriguing and motivational for all of us to consider the reality and self-honestly look at where we are and what we can do to make the change. There was certainly lack of clarity about knowing what one actually wants to do and what one could do based on the accumulated skills throughout one’s life.

Also I have seen within that that there was like an acceptance/making peace with the placement of where one finds oneself as if that is unchangeable/not for me/not in this lifetime. As if existing only in hope that something/somewhere might happen and in some miraculous way we will achieve our goals. Within that we then looked at the time/the years we are already here on this earth  and how we are actually wasting each year away without ever making significant decisions/steps towards a change. There are a lot of statements of “maybes”, “perhaps”, “hopefully” etc. that take all the power away from us and keeps within the state of inactions and indecisiveness.

So I am glad I noticed this pattern within myself and to become aware how I keep myself stuck in the current position – thus there is an urgent necessity to stop all imagination and bring myself back to reality and grow and expand in the REAL world instead expanding myself in the world of my imagination and hopes.

Will continue with Self-forgiveness statement for this allowance to hold myself stuck within powerless and hopelessness and thus return myself to practical living with real physical actions that stand on a strong decision to make something out of my life and move myself into a position of more power and responsibility where within that I always ensure that all my actions are always directed in bringing a world that is best for all and where no one ever has to envy another for where and who another is or how much money one makes.