Day 306: The Disease Of Loneliness

The last week was a period of some insight into myself, a rather difficult one, where I have started to see myself more clearly as what I have become and how I have been living in relation to everything and everyone, for a long time now. Sometimes I am using the Osho cards to assist myself with opening up the points for consideration. One card that kept coming up was Miser to which initially I did not pay much attention but slowly the awareness of myself as that has grown and is now undeniable, it’s here in my face.

The description of the card in the book:

This woman has created a fortress around herself, and she is clinging to all the possessions she thinks are her treasures. In fact, she has accumulated so much stuff with which to adorn herself–including the feathers and furs of living creatures–that she has made herself ugly in the effort. This card challenges us to look at what we are clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable it needs to be protected by a fortress. It needn’t be a big bank balance or a box full of jewels–it could be something as simple as sharing our time with a friend, or taking the risk of expressing our love to another. Like a well that is sealed up and becomes stagnant from disuse, our treasures become tarnished and worthless if we refuse to share them. Whatever you’re holding on to, remember that you can’t take it with you. Loosen your grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring.

The are many aspects of this in my case which are intertwined between each other and I can see that it will be an effort to take it all apart. Sharing is perhaps the biggest word encompassing many parts: like the inability to share myself with another where I take much for granted together with lack of gratitude for the people I have in my world and what they have done for me. Judging everything and everyone, trying to elevate myself and in this diminishing everyone else. Valuing my space so much that no one feels welcome in it. These are the main patterns I am aware of.

Until now I was somehow managing to hide this truth from myself by occupying my mind with more benevolent thoughts building on top of who I am underneath. It’s like layers of me that I exist as and as I peel one layer another gets exposed.

This exposure became possible through the conscious effort to stop participation in the usual thoughts that pre-occupy me day in and day out. This is where I started to feel quite a discomfort because I was no longer feeding myself with the energy to keep the outer layer characters, thus exposing that which is hiding under the surface – the Miser. What lurks even deeper is yet to be discovered, but even seeing this part of myself is challenging, and even here there are many dimension that i will have to work with.

As I become more aware of the miser within me, I can see that there many aspects of it coming from various sources. Unsurprisingly the main source appears to be coming from the family. It is interesting how I was always aware of this point in my environment but I managed to distance myself from that and actually fooled myself that I am better. And yes, there was a period where I was actively breaking this bond and living the openness and sharing, but somehow in time, I have hardened myself, became lazy and simply fell back into the tracks of who I was always supposed to be as the pre-programmed self. Money for sure seems to be an important factor in this shift, because I can see that since getting a job and starting to earn money and participating in the system and in this having to put up a mask – I have compromised much and never truly found a way to create a healthy balance. To be in the system but not of it – this is the point I have missed. It was much easier to simply give in and completely become a “normal” part of the system, in this no effort, no courage, no self-will is required. Just running on a default setting.

Considering myself to be a part of the Desteni group which stands for life and the end of abuse in every way, with only minimum participation, was kind of enough to feel a tiny bit better about myself and in this way manage the madness of the reality of me. It gave me the stability but no further growth. It’s the same with everything in life – if you do the minimum this is what you get. Surely being part of Desteni even at minimum participation and in this getting stability is a good deal for anyone because if we look around in the world there is much disharmony and stability is hard to come by. This is like the first step to get to, like a platform from where more things can be considered. Thus, I am grateful for being able to utilize this platform, as all the people within it, the available courses, the thousands of interviews on EQAFE on every imaginable topic for every possible eventuality of life. I truly have to humble myself here and give thanks to the people who make this possible and whom I have taken for granted due to my miserly attitude that I have accepted as myself without truly questioning it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take people and things in my reality for granted, to take without giving back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a fortress inside and outside where only that can enter which benefits me as who I have accepted myself to be as the character of greed and self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down any regard for people immediately dismissing them through judgment and unwillingness to consider the deeper, common ground we all share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fortress where I protect myself from experiencing the pain in me or another, where not all is welcome but only that which fits my limited rules of engagement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create as myself the characters of apparent benevolence when the outer manifested reality as all my actions shows clearly that I am existing in complete separation and disregard for what is here in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into and as the mind characters with absolute minimum connection to life essence, just enough to feed and sustain myself as the mind characters and maintain relative stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everything through my limited frames of definition, categorizing and classifying everything, including myself, where thus I am trying to place myself in a better position compared to others because apparently my survival depends on that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have become a part of the biggest disease inflicting humanity as that of separation and isolation from each other and all that is here as life where through the fear of survival and fear of each other we are creating our own demise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deal only with symptoms of my disease by trying to feel better about myself, creating various ideas and believes about myself to keep myself stable instead of moving myself to discover the actual problem and where it is coming from to thus give myself the opportunity to see and live the potential that is here

I commit myself to continue self-investigation, sourcing all the courage possible to keep looking at myself as what I have become and in this find ways to forgive and correct myself

I commit myself to stop the pattern of only dealing with the symptoms of my disease/the separation that I exist in and as by trying to create relative stability in my life to actually walking and facing the deeper truth of myself

I commit myself to become comfortable with the discomfort of seeing myself for real by first accepting the parts of me that are in separation and then finding the most effective ways to transform into that which is best for all

I commit myself to continue the process of developing my awareness of the patterns that I utilize to hide from the truth of me and challenge those patterns by stopping my participation/feeding of those patterns with energy

I commit myself to work on developing the ability to welcome all parts of me into my life where I also develop self-trust to know that I can deal with whatever comes

To be continued…

 

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Day 300: Living the Word CARE

I was focused on this Word for some time now and it took me a while to start understanding how to start incorporating it into my own living. I was observing people in my immediate environment to see how they live this word and surely I found some good examples of moments when the word care was lived. From what I observed such moments are mostly expressed within the parent and child relationship, but not always of course, as we know that parenting is not an easy thing and there are many challenging moments in this relationship. Still I have seen so many moments where parents go out of their way to care/tend for their children. Especially when the child is still a baby and needs all the attention all the time. I once was asked to tend to a small baby for a few hours and that was more than enough for me showing again that being a mother is a tremendous job and probably the best school to learn what it means to care for another. In that relationship your personal wants and needs come last after making sure that the baby is fully taken care of. This takes away a lot of what we call “freedom” to do the things to which one was used to throughout their life and that requires a big change and adjustment.

So these where the best examples of what it means to care about and for others, yet I needed something more practical for myself because I wanted to apply this word in my own world with the people I meet on daily basis. I found soon that one important thing to do was to learn to really listen. This is not as easy as it sounds because the mind chatter, the constant self-absorption in my own thoughts was prominent and required a process of learning to slow down within myself which I am still busy with by constantly reminding myself throughout the day to do that. I even asked a few of my friends to assist me by reminding me and use the words “slow down” whenever they see I am getting into a rushing mind state. That works pretty well and we have a frequent laugh about it.

So this brings me one step closer to being able to live the word care and I could definitely notice the difference in my interactions which became much more enjoyable. I became much less judgmental towards people because I could hear and see them better, I started getting small glimpses into who they are and where they come from and essentially why they are the way they are. And I mean people also respond better when a guy next to them is not lost somewhere in his own mind thinking but is able to participate in the conversation with some sense.

Another interesting point I have seen during this time is how CARE must be practiced and applied with awareness in various situations because there are certain moments to which we are so used of doing them in a certain way that we don’t even consider placing/incorporating CARE into them. Let me give an example: I went with a group of friends to play some basketball and as per usual we got ourselves into different teams and began this competitive game. Most of the guys that played there I have never met before and it’s also been a while since I last played which made me put some extra effort into the game. I noticed that the friend I came with was not a good player which made me feel good knowing that I am not the worst player there. Once the game started my friend struggled a lot with his play because, as we have found later, he judged himself to the extreme for being unable to participate with others equally and where in the end he has hurt his finger pretty badly with a ball which, as we realized later as well, was his own creation in order to, by any means, escape this uncomfortable experience. Now you see how many times I have used the word later because during the game I was not consciously aware of any of this and only by looking back I was able to see my absolute self-absorption into my own performance disregarding everything and everyone else. I means it was a competitive game and thus it seems there is no place for CARE in it. This was a good lesson and I am glad that my friend managed to open this point of intense anger and self-judgment towards himself in relation to the game, which I presume assisted his body to deal more effectively with the trauma that he experienced. Still prevention is of course much better way to go and could have been achieved if the word CARE was incorporated into those competitive games as a principle from the very beginning.

So it’s definitely a process to take a word and learn to live it in a variety of situations and also on all LEVELS, because if we take the word CARE it’s much easier to live it towards our loved ones whom we know more intimately, yet when it comes to those far away we are no longer able to relate or connect in any way, yet all our actions and decisions on individual and collective level ripples around the globe and creates the reality that we know. It’s rather obvious that our creation needs some adjustment so let’s do it word by word to make a better world.

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Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am

 

This comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.

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Day 267: The Cleaning Day

 

Today was a cleaning day for me and while cleaning my house I observed myself and the way I was performing the task. The only thought which kept surfacing was about how to be over with it as soon as possible, because I have defined this activity as tedious and even useless in my mind. In this I was thus rushing through everything wanting to go on to some other activity that I defined within me as more pleasurable. There was no awareness and no real consideration about preforming the task diligently and with care.

Within an hour I was done with all the rooms, which is a normal timeline for my cleaning duty. The same attitude I apply for many tasks in my reality which upon more careful consideration definitely requires more attention due to them being real practical living actions required to have an effective living environment.

Surely I place the responsibility upon myself for not having changed effectively through the years since I have become aware about the importance of the simplicity of practical living but then also, if I go back in time, I would also place the responsibility towards my parents as they were the ones that made me this way in the first place.  As a parent I can see now the immense importance of teaching your child about these simple every day requirements to have an effective and fully functional life.

Now what is done is done and there is no way I can turn back the time but I can ensure that I correct what is here now as this time space consequence that I have allowed to continue, especially since the day of realizing the required correction. There is no need to dwell back or judge or feel guilt or experience any emotion for that matter but to walk the new path. The realization did come through during the time of cleaning today but but but, there is always this but which directs my actions which in other words is an abdication of self-responsibility to the automated version of who I have become through many many years of repetitive behavior.

The resistance fueled by justifications, when that comes I stop myself and I breathe realizing it’s my programmed mind speaking and in this I make the decision to remain and follow my realization and understanding about the importance of such simplistic tasks to be done with diligence and care as well as any other tasks in my life.

 

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Day 5: Positive Communication

I noticed very nauseating pattern that I exist in and as – where within communicating with other beings I go into positivity trying to cover the real issues at hand instead of having guts and speaking directly what I see in the moment. Usually I notice what I have done but it’s too late – I can only forgive myself, correct myself and make sure that never again I miss these moments to actually connect with another being, get in their shoes and walk together to solve patterns that are destructive.

I see this has a lot do with my uncertainty and doubt where I believe that I am never in a position to suggest anything to another because of the state that I am in myself as well as the fear of other people’s reactions. This self-belief is not valid and is used by me basically to avoid responsibility to take action. It’s obvious that with this attitude I will never get to know myself or others in depth but will only fuck around on the surface of the conscious mind personalities. The fear of others reactions is also not valid because when I point something to someone and if that that point is not the point then the person should not be influenced by it or have a reaction towards it because they know within themselves that this point that I am pointing is clear within them, however if reaction comes up that means there is a problem. Surely here what has to be considered is the approach where I make sure that I don’t come from the starting point of blame or judgment but that I am merely stating information clearly without any energetic projection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look only for my self-interest as keeping my good image about myself when facing a challenging situation where I use positivity to cover the real issues and thus I don’t take responsibility to bring problems of this reality into real practical solutions that requires courageous exposure and radical actions

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that solutions to this world cannot be overcome by avoiding them through positive attitude but that they must be faced head on where the real shit is uncovered no matter how uncomfortable that is and no matter what that will do to my image that I have about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image about myself where i am always smiling and positive and apparently being able to solve problems in a nice way while all the while I haven’t really assisted a single being with this kind of behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to tell the bad news to people in humorous way but yet so far I haven’t been able to show this way anyone the seriousness of the problems that we all face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going into unknown territory, meaning that I fear being straightforward with people in telling them exactly what I see, of course doing that without any emotional energetic projection, instead I always do what I always knew  – to try and make people see the points in a nice manner – however that just doesn’t work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a double faced deceiver within communicating with other people where within myself I have one train of thoughts that I speak inside myself and then there are actual words that I say and speak that do not reflect my inner reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by wanting to assist people to see what they are participating within using my positive attitude I am actually doing more harm because when they exist in a “negative” state covering that with “positive” creates more friction that takes one even further away from facing the real problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so blind to the reality around me where  within participating in a moment with another being I can only see myself and consider only my self-interest and self-image  as proved by my positive attitude that I use to cover the real issues that must be brought up for an effective resolution

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is my responsibility to expose dishonesties that I see within another without in any way coloring the truth to make it look better than it really is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself from being so inconsiderate within communication with another instead of correcting myself and making sure that from now on I speak as a real being without any fear to make my hands dirty

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust myself being able to point out to another what I see they are doing that is causing their problems where I do not take time and care to place myself in their shoes to understand in totality what they are experiencing

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take enough time to understand another beings position where I can later say to myself  that I did everything in my power to assist them – I realize that I am responsible for every single being I meet in my reality and thus I take all the time required to walk myself into perfection where I become as effective as possible in bringing realizations and the required change to myself and others as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear reaction that I might get from people if I point out to them what I see that they are doing that doesn’t support them where I do not realize that their reaction is an indication that the point is painful and thus requires support

Thus from now on I commit to myself that I will be more considerate within communicating to people where I place my full attention to the interaction making sure I understand every word being said

When and as I see myself fearing to be straightforward to people in communication I stop myself, I breathe – I clear my starting point where I make sure there is no blame/judgment or any other energetic projection and I talk in a straightforward manner placing my words with care and full consideration for another, the same way that I would like to be cared and considered myself

I commit myself to become a responsible being that is willing to support self and another as self within brutal self-honesty where I realize that this is the only way to face self as what we have become in our acceptances and allowances

 

Artwork by Matti Destonian Freeman