Day 296: Porn addict

First step in healing yourself from this addiction, like any other, is of course recognizing that it is actually a problem. Still I am meeting a lot of people that are missing this simple realization even though addiction is already having a significant affect in their lives.

So I had this interesting experience with one guy who was in such a position where the awareness of pornography addiction possibly being a problem was nonexistent. This then became an interesting instance to explore where I tried to see into his mind and understand a little better why pornography is so well protected and not questioned. I had one week to spend with the person which gave me ample time to get to know him better. It is crucial, I found, to have no judgment towards any form of this addiction, whether you are still participating in pornography yourself or it is your loved one that that is lost in this wonderland or anyone else for that matter. Because the interesting thing about judgment is that it shuts all the doors into having access to deeper levels of, we can call it a pornography system that is operating in the mind. To have more detailed explanation how pornography/fantasy reality is interconnected and intertwined in the physical body and mind I strongly suggest watching these interviews to, at least, get basic understanding about how it all functions.

So with this starting point in me that I will not judge whatever I hear or see I started bringing up the topic of pornography in the conversations with the guy. In the beginning when trying, in one way or another, to suggest the negative effects of pornography I would get from him only a crossed face with a smug smile towards me. In other words the protection mechanisms in the mind were fulfilling their duty very well.

Then one day ‘the devil’ came out. While we were interacting I gave to him my phone showing some picture on some topic we were discussing. Just a moment later seeing the opportunity he immediately accessed the pictures on my phone looking for something, well by that time I knew more or less about how his pornography addiction functions, meaning where he is collecting, absorbing anything and everything from his reality that could serve as pornographic material to enhance/feed his fantasies. So, on my phone he accessed my pictures that I had and even the ones that were already deleted. And even though there was nothing sexual in nature within these picture I could see him changing very rapidly in his behavior where, especially, his eyes were lighting up with extreme intensity. At that moment I reacted a bit and took away my phone from him where in this he became even more exited and almost started begging me to give him my phone so he could see the rest of the pictures. His behavior was very intense and I was taken aback for a while where I got a bit uncomfortable in not knowing how to deal with the situation. After a moment I pointed out to him the possession that he is and how extremely it’s taking over him. Moment later he came back to his senses where I then asked him if he still cannot see the problem. He, again, gave me a smile but this time there was some concern noticeable in his posture.

After this event we could already open a bit more on this topic and we had some cool discussions on the addictive nature of pornography. He said that it’s like a drug which meant that he finally agreed that there is an addiction within him. We spoke on the effects of pornography and the tight hold it can have on you if you continue to participate without giving it a second thought.

On our last interaction when we were sitting alone in the room I asked him looking straight in his eyes “have you never considered changing yourself?” his response was no and from the rest of the conversation it was rather obvious that he is not yet seriously considering that this change is necessary. And I have observed this in many people before, that until the reality is relatively functional there is unwillingness to take self-responsibility for one’s actions and it is thus likely that there is a need to travel down the road of harsh consequences before seriously considering change.

So when I am viewing these types of addictions and when I am trying to reason with others I usually note that we have and we live in a big universe where so many things are happening and so many things are possible if only we started realizing our potential, but yet we choose a tiny wormhole as our fantasy realities and we remain stuck in it, completely discarding what’s out there to be learned and discovered in the real world. The addiction really limits us to such an extent where we become only a handful of thoughts spinning in the mind over and over suffocating the life out of us. We compromise our relationships with the people around us, we lose focus on our personal goals and objectives, we become ignorant to the issues that concern our community, our country, and we no longer see the state of this world and what is required to be done for this earth to survive and thrive so it could sustain us as well as the generations to come.

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Day 168: Point of change within addictions

 

 

It’s amazing how the mind is trying to distract me from having this moment with myself where I sit down and begin writing myself out where I have this cool opportunity of seeing, investigating, releasing, forgiving, correcting my practical living. I am sure I would have give in into these seemingly legitimate mind’s created excuses to not do what I am doing now if I haven’t had written about this point and wasn’t now aware of how these thoughts come up and try to direct me away from here. So within me I know that writing is effective if I am serious within my decision to change and so the mind knowing that tries even harder to pull the strings.

So that’s the point of today’s writing to talk about this battle that happens within me when change is happening. First it’s the realization that I have to change certain pattern that I see is definitely not supportive but purely abusive. After that that there is basically two ways that the story can go – I can either give myself more time claiming that I need more time or I start acting immediately which is called change in one breath which in theory is the easiest change yet requires absolute realization and within that absolute decision. In that way a lot of struggle is spared whereas when time is allowed – that means war and here the battles begin. Resistance to change. Very true with many addictions where many battles are fought which move through cycles in the end always culminating in the final battle where either I change or I fall into another cycle. That’s the point of self-honesty where I truly reveal to myself who am I.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse time when I use it saying that I need more of it to stop my abusive patterns of behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose the battle so many times that I have lost self-trust in my ability to change instead of getting angry with myself and within that anger making the decision to do whatever it takes to stop the abuse

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to investigate in absolute specificity the consequences of my abusive behavior and within that make the decision whether I want to be the abuser or the solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by giving into the abuse pattern I am empowering “the giving up” character within me from where standing up and changing becomes more difficult and where within that i am creating a whole array of consequences that are harming not only myself but everyone around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the believe that consequences is my best teacher instead of inviting common sense to be my tutor

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that real change within patterns of deep seated addictions will require absolute commitment where I cannot expect it to be anything less than the death of who I believe I am

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to write down in absolute specificity the new path as corrective behavior that needs to be walked when dealing with addictions

 

I commit myself to stop wasting time within the believe that I need it in order to stop my abusive patterns of behavior and within that use the tools of writing where I am more than able to script very specifically how I will act when faced with myself as the addiction character

I commit myself to assist and support myself with any and all means when I am facing a point of change realizing that it has to be done in one time instead of continuing the unnecessary battle creating unnecessary consequences

I commit myself to remove all judgment that I have towards the unwanted behavior thus disconnecting any relationship I have towards it

I commit myself to realize that there is a line and that there is crossing the line from where the change becomes highly unlikely thus I commit to not walk that far and do whatever it takes to change with the first opportunity that presents itself

 

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Day 64: Search for excitement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for excitement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always create some point of excitement in the future that I could live towards and which serves like a purpose for my existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this point in the future will fulfill me when I have proved to myself over and over that when I reach these points it only satisfies me for a moment where after that I am immediately faced again with the emptiness of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I live towards some point in the future I don’t have my focus and full attention in the present moment because I keep thinking about my future moment where I fantasize about the excitement that I will get

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this future moment that I live towards serves as an escape mechanism where I run to hide each time that I face the reality of what I have become as the energy dependent machine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this escape deliberately even when I see in the moment what I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are more powerful than me thus I allow myself to be pulled into the pool of thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that existing in and as thought is an addiction just like any other addiction and thus can be stopped as I have proved to myself by stopping many addictions that I believed I will not be able to stop

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being here within awareness of breathing and my physical body I can slowly but surely practice slowing myself down and thus getting to the point where I can see my thoughts emerging and where I can make a self-directive decision to not participate in further process of thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find breathing and remaining here very difficult because there is no excitement within that and no immediate results of any change in my being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea what it is like to be fully here in oneness and equality with everyone and everything not realizing that it’s only my mind that has expectations where I am again living for a future moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being here in equality and oneness with reality is not an energetic experience but it is a simple, practical living where I work together with other beings for a solution to our everyday problems we all face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only thing standing in my way to see the reality that is always here is the desire/search for something more

When and as I catch myself participating in my thoughts I stop myself and remind myself to practice remaining here with and as my breath

When and as I see myself having a point in the future that constantly and continually keeps me distracted from remaining here I stop myself, I note the point and I investigate specifically within writing what this point represents

I commit myself to flagpoint all the different places in the physical reality and in the mind reality where I have a tendency to exist in and as so that whenever I enter the space I would be reminded about the necessity of the application of breathing and remaining here

I commit myself to stop all energy addiction by realizing the simplicity of living here in and as my breath

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

Day 57: Addiction to Sport

 

European championship of soccer is already producing its first victims, which I mean is inevitable because we have two teams playing of which one has to win and another has to lose. And surely we have plenty of stupid people who have identified themselves so much with their favorite teams that when a team loses they travel straight to hell experiencing anger, despair and other emotions. I was rather surprised to see my colleagues become so possessed with the game, where for a moment I thought that they are joking, but I was wrong, the disappointment was genuine and genuinely effecting their state of being.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with my favorite team to the extent where I feel really bad when they lose the game

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and irritated when my favorite team loses where within experiencing these emotions I become inconsiderate towards other beings and can even hurt them, especially if they are the supporters of the opposite team

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the opponents of my favorite team as my enemy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am addicted to the energy as the friction within the clash of two opposing forces where I always expect to be on the positive side of the energy movement because strangely enough I consider that this is what live is about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have become complete slave because of my addiction to this energy where I become utterly blind to the actual reality around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within that addiction to energy support and defend the existence of sport events despite the evidence of the extensive amount of separation they cause among people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the violence and abuse that this separation causes

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see what price is this world paying for the existence of these sport events where vast amount of valuable resources are wasted instead of being used to improve the deteriorating condition of this planet and most beings within it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore all the information that shows the negative effects of having these sport events because I am completely dead within myself and require something to give me energy to make me feel “alive”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that existing as energy moving between polarities of positive and negative is life where I am not able to see that I am a mere robot who can be influenced by simple event as the losing team within a soccer game

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my limited reality within acceptance of myself as energy requiring being moving only back and forth between energetic experiences that are produced within me by outside sources of which I have no control thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I am completely dependent on the outside events which can easily move me and thus I am unable to trust myself or be trustworthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is enormous mechanisms created by the elite of this world to control people’s feelings and emotions thus if I define myself according to energy I am able to be controlled and manipulated

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I am completely brainwashed as I cheer, scream and shout while watching some guys kicking the ball on the ground and where specific outcomes of which I have no control over can induce specific experiences within me of which I also have no control thus I am simply a puppet blinded by my addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that this add-dick-tion is like a dick with which I am fucking myself and where only when I get to negative experience I see that I have been fucked – yet still I will not do anything about it because I hope that I will have better luck next time as the positive self-fucking feels so good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let half of the world starve while I keep searching for a positive fuck experiences never realizing that I am participating in the polarity game where I will never be whole within me as the actual physical living being that I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my participation in emotions and feelings is sucking my body dry as I use my body’s resources to generate this energy – exactly the same way as the competitive sport events use earth’s resources as well as physical slave labour to generate energy (money) – thus we are sucking dry this physical reality just to create energetic experiences that never last but leave us wanting for more and more – where we are actually going deeper and deeper into the separation from each other so that we could generate greater energetic frictions to generate more energy – and so we continue until we die/until this earth goes extinct – and can we say at the end that we have lived or were we completely blind to what is here as this amazing physical existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my relationship with my physical body and this physical reality where I cannot even understand and comprehend how my body functions, I am not able to communicate to animals, plants other physical manifestation – because I am always in my mind seeking for energy fix that I believe is living

 

I commit myself to stop all my addictions to energy so I would no longer be controlled by outside events of which I have no control over and within that find stability of myself where I become unmovable by any external experiences and where I am always the same yesterday, today and tomorrow – thus within this clarity and stability of myself I am the one who make directive decisions, where I am no more a dead zombie slave to energetic movements

I commit myself to show and expose the consequences of participating in and as energy where I can prove mathematically the amount of abuse and violence that is done in the name of energetic experiences

I commit myself to show that being in and of energy is not living but it’s simply an addiction through which one is controlled and enslaved until the day the body as the energy source dies

I commit myself to start my journey from energy addictions towards life as my physical reality where I slowly but surely identify and release all my addictions to energy and I return to this physical reality to thus be able to reconnect myself to what is here as the living flesh as all physical manifestations on this earth

 

Day 31: The Life of Masturbation

Today I was reading about sex and masturbation and how that has infiltrated every aspect of our existence, where no matter what we do it is all stemming from the desire to have this energetic satisfaction whether through sex or masturbation. Then I looked at my own life and saw how I was/am caught in this ultimate search.

In my life I started my sexual exploration with masturbation and then went on to form a relationship. The sex was great, until it lasted, until there was this energetic build up between me and my girlfriend. Later though the energy started to dissipate and the whole relationship became boring, repetitive and sex wasn’t so great anymore. I don’t remember if I used to masturbate during my relationship but what I know for sure is that I really fucked myself with that after the relationship broke. I noticed that masturbation was giving me better satisfaction and there was no hard work involved as it is within a relationship, within a relationship you have to consider another being and within masturbation I was alone and free from all the responsibilities. So within that realization I gradually stopped my relationship formations and completely isolated myself into the fantastic world of masturbation. I was glad that internet was getting faster and faster and allowed me to download pictures at much greater speed. I mean I was evolving together with the evolution of internet. It never allowed me to get bored as it always had new things emerging and that kept my interest alive. And I never had to stick with one girl as there was such a variety of them that I could choose from.

Years went by like that, but still within me I could see that masturbation didn’t really satisfy me completely – there was always the feeling of “not enough”. I was getting further and further away in the world of masturbation, where eventually pictures on the internet were not satisfying me anymore and I started to fantasize about girls I knew in my world and I masturbated on them. I also used my memories of past relationships where I went through the sexual experiences remembering all the details and in that way building up my energy to masturbate. Still all that wasn’t so cool as it lasted only for that moment and after that I would feel like shit, because I mean I was alone in my world, I couldn’t have proper interactions with girls as my mind was so full of pictures, desires, fantasies, all I could see was sex. I didn’t know how to approach a girl, how to communicate, how to act. It was really bad and I would sabotage all my attempts almost immediately which of course led me to more suppression and further masturbation as the only way to satisfy this growing urge. And this also influenced all my other relationships that I had in my world as I was so isolated in my inner reality of sexual images, fantasies and desires. I mean that was almost my whole reality, I wasn’t doing anything else much. I was interested in spirituality which was actually supporting this type of life. But that is another topic. So it lasted like that for years until I could see in common sense that this was going nowhere and by any means I have to stop this. I didn’t want to end my life like that.

So from here my battle began. One very cool point was that I had a friend to whom I could openly communicate on these matters as he also was battling with the same thing, and so we searched for solution together. My biggest disgrace was when my friend found me masturbating in his house watching the pictures of his sister. My friend was really cool in this and showed no reaction as he could understand the desperation, but I think in that moment we both realized that this is not a way to go and has to stop right here. The consequences of participating in masturbation were obvious, where the whole reality shrinks to only this point of seeking satisfaction that can never be attained but grows bigger and bigger destroying all the potential of becoming somebody in this world.

When I look back now at all these years that I wasted I can’t help but experience regret that I haven’t seen earlier the destructiveness that this behavior brings. I mean there was no information that I could find about the destructive nature of masturbation and what is more important to find the means how to end this addiction. And it’s not until I found Desteni where they went into detail of how one actually is harming self and others through masturbation. They provided the tools of how to begin the process of self-healing and how to direct this process in the most effective way. Even then it was hard and a long journey to stop that initial behavior – where now I still have to deal with the consequences that this long lasting behavior has done to me as a being. I mean I have formed and shaped through many years who I am and now I am still living in some way these consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost in my alternative reality of masturbation where I have wasted many years that I could have used for self-perfection in developing skills or attributes of myself that would have brought real satisfaction in my life

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that though masturbation I have isolated myself from all beings in my existence where I lived in secret and fear that others might find out who I am behind the picture that I present to everyone in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that masturbation has no influence to my reality, that this is my own business and I have full right to do it where I didn’t realize and see the invisible effects that participation in masturbation was actually creating

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it was masturbation that influenced my inability to form normal relationships with girls in my world and that it was effecting all my other relationship as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend masturbation by all means never allowing any consideration about how it affects my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in regret once I found what I have done to myself and my world through masturbation instead of standing up within myself and correcting myself as who I have become as the product of many years of masturbation where within that I stop all the consequences that it has manifested within me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to study everything about how masturbation exists in this reality and make sure that I place that knowledge and share it through my own experience as wide as possible so that those who have this problem could find the information and see what they are doing and where they are going – and do it with the realization that I would also wanted to have found this information when I was completely lost in masturbation but could not find any real information on all the ins and outs of how it functions and the extent of harm it does/will do to one’s life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are no consequences of masturbation after one has stopped participating in it where within that I have allowed myself to stop all investigation without realizing that it is still ingrained within my subconscious and unconscious mind from where who I am here as my conscious personality emerges, but because I have suppressed it I am not able to see it, yet my actions and decision are still very much based on what I have done throughout my life and who I have become within what I have done

Thus I commit myself to devote my time for thorough investigation into the whole masturbation design where I educate myself on every detail of its working  to thus be able to forevermore clear myself and support others in clearing themselves from this addictive and destructive behavior

I commit myself to see and understand all aspect of how masturbation effects the lives of people and how to transform masturbation into something that is not harmful to self and others

I commit myself to write and share the process of walking out from the infected dirty mind into the purity of life where I prove that it is possible to let go of this addiction for energetic experiences and that by letting go one can find real enjoyment and satisfaction just by being here with other beings where one is able to form intimate and fulfilling relationships

Here are few very supportive interviews: