Day 298: Depression and Hopelessness

89740033-1Reading the news about world affairs, watching documentaries related to the extent of abuse happening globally it’s not difficult to become somewhat emotional and slip into a negative mind state where it seems that there is no possible solution to the mess that is here. I catch myself going into a state of indifference and hopelessness. This in turn starts manifesting within all my actions and my behavior and after a short while my reality also stops moving until I allow myself to remain in that state of mind.

I the past I would always allow that negativity within me to build and accumulate to a very high degree from where I would go into all kinds of self-sabotaging behavior patterns until I reach the rock bottom and then I have to start all over again.

It’s amazing how in the beginning there is this one small moment of resistance that requires a relatively small push to move oneself through that negativity into action and then how this resistance, if not confronted, grows and spreads like a virus taking into possession the whole body and mind until I get to a state where I just sit in front of the computer absolutely blank and all my attempts to study or read or write something amount to nothing. One thing that can definitely be observed in all of this is the speed of mind, the thoughts and the reactions as well as physical movements which are rapid and hasty. There is usually some big thoughts, as imagination, running in my mind of all the things I should do, the future I should aim to create. Yet none of that is realistic for the current moment that I am in because I what I need now is the next best step to get myself out of the possession.

Now, the solution that seems to be effective is to begin a new day from a scratch where I plan the day’s activities, also if possible getting some assistance from a friend who can be supportive within those activities. If there is no one around that’s fine also as long as I move myself to act and do the things I have planned for myself. In planning the day I simply look around at what needs my attention, for example I have been putting off the need to sort the little things about my car because I can see how these little things left undone keep lingering in the mind as a reminder of what has to be done. So I am sure most people have these small things accumulated in their minds that are placed into the compartment of postponement deemed as not so necessary, because, I mean “there are much bigger problems in the world that need attention”.

Having started with all the little things the movement comes back and here it’s important to nurture and continue with that movement and so get to other things without allowing the possession to return back again. I mean, having allowed this indifference for a while has manifested the consequence and it will require some pushing to do to get out of it, there is probably no way around it. Here I basically stand with a decision that I make within myself – to go on with living and search for solutions. First the solutions on a personal level and then expand further and see where else I can participate and thus contribute to change. I mean there are so many ways that one can direct ones energy towards change that it’s absolutely unacceptable to go into that state of hopelessness. Especially when there are all the means available to do that. In today’s world where the one that has the access to the internet, access to the clean water and has a roof over the head is the one that must take responsibility and use those means to contribute to a change, especially when there are so many of us that are completely abandoned and live on the outskirts of the system trying to survive on a daily basis. Yes the world system doesn’t make sense in many ways, the corruption and self-interest if sky high, still there is nothing else to do but to search for solutions instead of giving up or living the lie.

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Day 276: The Energy of Self-pity (Part 3)

Continuing from the previous blogs on Self-Pity:
Day 274: The Energy of Self-pity
Day 275: The Energy of Self-pity (Part 2)

self_pity_by_splook69-d3jdb4nI forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand or try to understand how I am creating the experience of self pity where because of this failure to grasp the mechanics I constantly fall into the same trap over and over again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must deal with the experience of self pity instead of realizing that self pity is an outflow consequence thus by not removing the source point I will endlessly recreate the experience and drive myself crazy trying to fight the energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the necessity to stop myself when and as I am experiencing self pity and ask myself “deeper” questions that would lead me to the source point of creation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by energy just trying to quickly remove the consequence experience instead of going deeper to understand how I am creating this and ensure that I change at the source

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I wasn’t actually willing to let go of self pity as it has the positive energetic component which can be defined as comfort where in this I gave myself the permission to wallow in this energy without taking full responsibility and looking for a real solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use various reasons, excuses and justifications for experiencing self-pity instead of stopping myself and finding the solution for this endless cycle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no not realize the origin point from where self-pity was born which is where I judged myself intensely for not living up to the promises that I have made to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the relationship and how from this moment of intense self judgement and not correcting and forgiving myself for the unfulfilled promise I became more and more miserable going straight into self-pity mode

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the destructive nature of self-judgment where it seems so natural to feel bad about self when not living to self-set expectations/goals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or understand that the solution is not in reacting towards self and throwing self into a deep, dark pit of self-pity when and as I fall but to pick up myself in that moment and stand again no matter what, whether it means devising a more practical plan or just giving myself another chance to change

Thus I commit myself to no longer accept the bullying from myself as self judgment and realize that the bullying can only work and does work when I am not really willing to change because if I am willing to change then I make in that moment a statement of what I chose to be and what I chose to do thus I commit to ensure my constant and consistent willingness to use all opportunities to work for change and thus in this there is no need for self-judgment, self-scolding because I know within me that I am always willing to correct myself

When and as I see arising within myself the energy of self-pity I stop, breathe and slow myself down, where in this I look back to see where and how I am creating this energy, where and how I have judged myself and after identifying the point i forgive myself for this unwise and unnecessary continuation of the problem rather than immediately living the solution in the most practical manner

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Day 275: The Energy of Self-pity (Part 2)

 

Continuation from previous day’s blog: “Day 274: The Energy of Self-pity”

Self_Pity_by_platy42I have noticed also that when being in and as this type of energy there is a feeling as if being in a bubble, a cozy little bubble where no worry exists. There is a feeling of comfort and as there are external means to experience this comfort that’s what I would do, I would lie down comfortably into my bed, roll into a ball and take a comforting daytime nap,  forgetting within this all my worries.

After a while I would always start feeling a disturbance, like a big pressure in my body. In the interview it was explained that when one is faced with resistance to let go self-pity and which is experienced as a knot in the stomach area – that’s exactly the time to do some self-forgiveness in order to let got this unsupportive relationship. The relationship as I have already mentioned in my previous blog is hidden deeper, it’s not the energy that’s the core point to address but something else that creates the whole experience. In this self-honesty is the key to assess and define the actual web of relationships and thus be able to disentangle self from it. How do I really create self-pity?

When looking within myself I see that my self-pity comes from the unwillingness to apply myself, I am postponing the real work that I have to do. I know that there are many points in my reality that require my attention and where I have to put extra effort to sort out and stabilize but instead of actually doing it I will find a way to sabotage myself. Like in this one instance failing to follow through with my sleeping pattern commitment and in this I have entered into the magical world of self-pity.

Only by having listened to the interview I became aware of the positive connotation that this energy produces. I mean normally self-pity is just an emotion (negative) yet the positive within it could definitely be felt. It is suggested to have a few questions ready whenever we are experiencing self=pity, like “What physical sensations am I aware of?” “What am I aware of?”” What is energy doing to the physical?”

In this we should definitely be able to feel some form of positive energy that we should be able to define whether it being a comfort, an embrace, security, care or some other word to describe the energy. In my own experience I would the energy “comfort” because it provided me with this ability to relax into the invisible hands that take care of me, where I don’t have to do anything. So this one polarity is mixed with the negative of knowing what the heck is really going on and what I am actually accepting and allowing and what the consequences of this are. Emotionally I am being dragged down, not taking any responsibility to clear up and sort my reality. So these are the two polarities of Self-pity which are designed like a nice shiny trap, just like the fish bait that looks as if it is real.

Still the questions must be asked: “What is the point that’s really holding me to this relationship? Is it the positive feeling of the experience or the negative as the reasons, excuses and justifications that I use to not take responsibility for my world?  Do we really believe that we have the time and that it is acceptable to wallow once in a while in this experience of self-pity?

To be continued …

Day 189: I am not good enough” character – reaction dimension (Part5)

 

This blog is a continuation within the series of blogs I am writing about “I am not good enough” character which manifests itself within situations where I have to take action by making a decision to actively participate in my everyday reality. In this blog I am looking at the dimension of reactions that manifest in my bode when this character is playing out.

Introductory Blog

 

Fear Dimension

Fear of being judged
Fear of making mistakes
Fear of confrontation/people
Fear of losing myself and that which I know
Fear of not being able to handle the truth of me
Fear of losing free choice
Fear of the responsibility

Thought dimension

Seeing myself in a situation that goes out of hand and I cannot control it
Seeing a picture that is “empty/blank”
Seeing a picture of myself where I am being screamed at/called out

Backchat dimension

How will people react when I change from being silent/introverted guy to suddenly being active in my participation
I just cannot start participating with people from my surroundings because the topics they discuss are useless and of pure self-interest
If I start participating/interacting actively I will have to sustain that and will not have the free time I used to have
I am not good at applying knowledge practically, I spent too much time just reading and listening to others
I just have to start doing it and it will work out
I do not have the critical thinking skills like others do, all I did was follow others throughout my life

Reactions

Guilt
Inferiority
Anxiety
Overwhelmingness
Depression
Expectation / Anticipation
Excitement

 

Self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger the reaction of depression within myself when and as I have failed within the point of having to participate in social situations with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how through allowing self-defeating fears, thoughts, imaginations, backchats in relation to my social life participation to overpower me I manifest the reaction of depression from which it becomes ever more difficult to stand up and change my living behavior that would be effective and supportive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the reaction of overwhelmingness that I experience when seeing the limitation I have allowed to exist within and as when it comes to my participation in my environment grows into depression if I do not stop myself and stand within myself to realize that all this is self-created and that I am the one that must correct this pattern of mind created behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how within the reaction of depression I close myself from my reality not being able to see a way out but only existing as this negatively charged entity where I perceive myself as being absolutely powerless to stop the experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the allowance of depression as the negatively charged state of being takes me into the quest for positive experience where I try to balance myself out and so within that that I perceive this as being a solution instead of realizing, seeing and understanding how I have become depressed in the first place and so remove the source of this insanity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that positive experience in the absence of depression is just temporary relief if and when the source and the exact process of the creation of depression is not understood and corrected from its source

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been using depression as a tool to not take responsibility for my life

So I commit myself to realize that depression as an emotional reaction is not real but self-created and thus can be stopped any moment  when becoming aware of it

I commit myself to stand accountable for all reaction that happen in my body and ensure that I understand the creation process of each single reaction from the point of origin and in this process I commit myself to write, forgive myself for allowing the reaction to exist

I commit myself to be aware at all-time about the damage that emotional reactions do the body and so realize that depression being such a strong emotional state of being , can do lots of damage and harm to the body and thus cannot be allowed to exist in me

 

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Day 91: “I give up” character

 

That’s the character that comes in whenever I face a difficulty in my life where I as the character want to end it all, move away from the difficulty, start again, make another stupidity loop just to arrive to the same point over and over again – of having to face the difficulty of breaking the patterns of my accepted behavior. It’s so easy to just retreat and not face myself, to remain unchanged and even righteous by finding many justifications why I couldn’t bring myself to the point of change.

I have never taken responsibility for this character because I have never seen my part in its creation, it was always somebody else to blame for this, and thus me giving up on myself would be like a revenge on those whom I perceived are to blame for my experiences. I am always the victim in this where I take all the blame upon myself, still believing it is not my fault, and I leave the scene, saying goodbye to everyone with the thoughts in my back “you’ll be sorry for this”, “I will find a place where I am understood”

I suppose if it were possible I would have long ago left this world while existing within this character, because I was never able to find that place where I am understood completely, there would always arise some type of conflict where again I would enter my victim’s state and again “I give up” character enters the scene and so the search for a new place begins. I have traveled many places like that.

One of the problems within that is my inability to communicate openly and express how I feel in the moment and thus I simply suppress everything within myself, creating the whole alternate reality where I am right and all the other are wrong. There were moments when I tried to express myself but usually that was creating more conflict as it was already coming with a slight reaction of blame and judgment from myself towards others.

To be continued

 

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Day 29: Desiring People to Change before I Change Myself

 

When observing people at work I am constantly trying to identify any individuals that might be able to understand the Desteni message. I am specially drawn to people that remind me in some way the Destonians that I know.  Within that a spark of hope lights up within me and I start watching them very closely to try and see who they are in their expression. I look whether there is something that is within them that would prove that they are not yet lost in their mind realities but still have some life within them screaming and asking to get out.

I don’t speak or share myself openly here at work because I am afraid that might cost me my position. I tried to do that before and it didn’t work well so now I remain mostly silent and communicate only work related matters. Still there is a desire within me to have someone to talk to and share myself because being surrounded day in and day out by just human ignorance is kind of sad and I get a bit lonely. I try to connect with people but still I can’t get beyond the superficial level that we all present here at work, basically out of fear of survival. I mean people have to sustain their personalities with all the relationships because that is something they know and something that ensures their income and survival. The same with me – I have learned how to hold myself to not make any ripples and thus ensure my position. It’s like an armor that I wear daily within which I become like the rest – insensitive to pain of the truth of me and this reality.

So existing within this armor I cannot really communicate to people to see who they really are thus I am just closely observing them and trying to find something that slips within their behavior. Another problem is the language as most here are Dutch speakers, the language I do not understand. So I am left with body language. So basically I cannot really assess people without direct communication and so I am mostly assuming and hoping.

Most of the time I am left disappointed as those whom I initially categorized as sensitive, caring beings prove that they are not really that. I mean it’s like you see within almost all people that goodness inside but it’s completely covered by the role personality that they play and which is very hard to break.

So after all I am in a way discarding this place because there is just too much fear for people to open up because opening up means some pain and that weakness is not allowed here, not in the system of survival. Still within that I cannot allow myself the emotion of uselessness and sadness to take over me because that immediately reflects in my environment and people start to react around me and freak out a little. So I really have remain stable here, which so far I have been doing with balancing my thoughts instead of learning to be stable within my breath. When I try and remain in breath everything kind of opens up and I am not able to handle myself – which obviously requires practice and patience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the uselessness when seeing all the people at work where within that uselessness I become sad and depressed thus compromising my stability within self-application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people for being so ignorant and only care for self-interest and who look at people that care for this world as crazy and weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing to people that I care for this world because when I do I get misunderstood and called crazy and thus within that I fear that I will not be able to handle peoples attacks and thus lose my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for people that would show that they care for this world instead of doing it myself and thus within seeing people’s reactions I would know who is who

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself and what I am doing even when people show genuine interest to listen where within that I haven’t realized that I can find a way how to present myself in a way that wouldn’t compromise my position at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain people as being untrustworthy without really knowing them where I hide myself from them at all costs as I believe they might expose me to all and I will not be able to stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my application of self –forgiveness and self-corrective applications is useless because I am not even able to share such simple things as that I care for this world where within that I go into the feeling of uselessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe humanity doesn’t stand a chance because I don’t see any sign from anyone in my reality that would show that they care even a little without realizing that in my current placement I am also the same because of the pressure that system puts making us play our roles and keep the earning capacity of the company stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from others to take actions that I am not willing to take myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from people to stand within the system without realizing that they have no clue what to do as they have never been exposed to any plausible alternatives – like equal money system

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be patient in self-application where I develop myself into a being that can stand stable no matter what happens and from there start challenging the system – so the work start with myself and myself alone

 

I commit myself to work on myself until I can stand unwavering in each situation that I face in my world and from there knowing that people will start asking questions themselves as they will see an alternative with their own eyes

I commit myself to stop searching for change outside myself before I change within, where I realize that the external change can only come together or after the inner change happens as it is obvious looking at the state of the world which is a reflection of our inner realities – as for example the manifestation of war which is equal and one to how we rage wars inside ourselves

I commit myself to be the change without wanting/desiring my world to change as the desire/want implies that I haven’t changed inside – and when I change inside the outer will follow as I will live the change as myself making a ripple effect in my world and reality

I commit myself to stop all needs/wants/desires in relation to changing people and focusing totally and completely upon myself where I first understand in utmost specificity how I function as mind consciousness system and from there seeing and understanding the path that needs to be walked to implement the change – where I can later assist and support people to walk the same path

I commit myself to practice breathing application as I see it’s the single most important factor in determining my ability move effectively in my process of change

 

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