The Dullness

For me one of the most annoying and hardest are parts in the process where things go to a state of being kind of normal, where in a way nothing reaches my “heart” anymore, feels like everything is experienced only on an intellectual level, very superficial. It’s like a form of dullness that I go into, a form of resistance to go into the mind, to take it apart and understand it. The feeling is that I have compromised myself somewhere somehow but I cannot see for sure and that is where the annoyance comes from not being able to pinpoint or understand exactly how I got here, and also how to break this veil. In other words there is no self-honesty to see what the heck is going on.

As I write this the first thing that emerged was something I have seen in the presentation I went to a day before which was on the topic of stress. The message in a nutshell was that stress is a normal part of the “game”. Later when the presenter was asked to give another name for “game” he said it is “life” itself. So based on that in the game of life we need stress to be able to play the game good, or in other words we need energy to drive us, to be driven. Now when I look at this “requirement” of stress to “live/to play the game of life” it is in opposition to this experience I am in – the dullness, which by definition is ‘lack of interest or excitement’ which basically means I am not energizing myself to be able to play ‘the game’.

Now the point that is never talked about or challenged in any way is that this “interest and excitement” that we generate within ourselves in the form of stress is actually self-interest where the main idea/starting point behind it is “what’s in it for me?” where this Me is me as the mind, as the energy based entity interested only in generating more energy in the form of experiences. Now when this point of self-interest is challenged there is a big disconnect because within ourselves we have already defined life as being energy, the whole process of producing/generating/experiencing energy. Without that who am I?

Seeing this side of self-interest when existing and participating in this world of “players” is my greatest resistance and fear. I can see that all or most of the ‘movements’ that I initiate are somehow tainted with self-interest, never a genuine care for others or this reality or it’s like very rare. This has caused me to create a “protection personality” where I kind of step away to the side and make myself invisible and only play the game when it’s absolutely necessary to get something I need or want. In the end it’s like a constant state of balancing between being dull and trying to move and create something. So the whole challenge here lies within changing the starting point from the core of myself, to transform the self-interest, to transform self essentially from being that separate energetic entity to a living being that lives and moves based on the principle of what is best for all. Then living self-interest and ‘playing the game’ is living and playing in the interest of all.

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Day 297: Slowing Down to Avoid Stress

Through experience I have noticed that many people when we watch TV or read magazines or simply observe other people from our environment, who are successful and are doing many great things, we tend to go into a comparison and in this a normal reaction is to feel a little bit bad about ourselves. We experience some jealousy and/or self-judgment because it’s not us that came up with some specific idea, it’s not us that has the skill, has the knowledge and it’s not us that lives this apparently better life.

What I found within myself when facing such moments is to immediately try to imagine myself in their position, I try to see what skills can I develop, how can I build myself up, basically how can I evolve to that or similar state of being. Facing such situations few times a day or however frequently and not dealing with it properly, meaning, not investigating within myself whether that specific point is actually relevant in my process, I mean do I actually need such skills like the individual, I observed or heard about, has. Also I am not investigating the actual process that would need to be walked to get to such a position etc. I mean there are many dimensions that need to be taken into consideration within each such point. So when not dealing with such experiences I found that I am accumulating lots of energy through those short moments of jealousy, self-judgment, and overall sense of inferiority.

This energy I have seen does not go anywhere and sits constantly within my body and affects rather greatly everything I do, who I am. There is like this energetic veil that gets pulled over the eyes and there seems to be no way out, and from here, like a headless chicken I run into many directions trying to find a solution. To take an analogy it would be like a plumbing system where in one place there is a blockage of garbage and now the water cannot run through it, it is still seeping ever so slightly, and gives me the idea that it’s still working. And yes, I mean I am still relatively functioning in my reality and I am moving myself here and there but to say that I am actually moving towards my potential, that I am taking the best steps to fulfill my goals, I cannot.

Now the problem comes when the solution is applied through our learned intelligence. Instead of finding and removing the blockage what do we do, using again the analogy, we pour more water to put more pressure and hope that this will blow things the right way. That does work from time to time and only temporarily but it’s definitely not a real solution as the source was never fixed or even understood in its functioning to thus be able to prevent further such instances. We can see the same intelligence applied in most parts of our system – like medical system where instead of understanding the cause of a disease and healing the whole organism we simply suppress the symptoms creating thus deeper problems that manifest now in other ways; also money system where instead of realizing that the system itself is based on the abusive mechanisms that are depleting and exploiting life on earth we continue to fuel it by printing more money or even attempting, as we see currently within the news, to create new global currency believing this to be a solution. Won’t work.

Now going back to the initial point I was addressing what I have seen to be a more effective solution is basically to slow down for a moment and see what is really going on here. Yes, the tendency is to move quickly, there is like a sense of emergency that is growing, the energy is building up and pressure is rising, and we shout that we need a fast solution. Now it’s the best time to apply self-will and to slow down. Writing here is one of the best tools for that because through writing you re-align yourself with the physical time as you type and you look inside yourself – its equal -whereas when you are just in your mind the time is a quantum time and you leap from one thought construct to another in the speed of light, mostly without any understanding or awareness. With writing your mind is basically forced to slow down and you can see better how stuff inside you is moving. Now I can see what is causing my slightly dysfunctional behavior, I can see that I am sitting here with all the energy that I have accumulated through all those moments I have missed and allowed myself to judge myself for who I am and who I am not. I have allowed myself judge myself for the mistakes I have made in the past, and I have also allowed myself to fear and worry about my future. I mean there are many points working at once and unless we slow down we will not be able to identify them and remove them effectively like a real plumber would remove the dirt from the pipes.

“Understanding that each moment is here for self-realization – this being as possible as each breath that you take.”

“Work as self, understanding that there are no mistakes, therefore no judgment for anything you have created – just unconditional release. Silence the mind as you breathe by not accepting fear, confusion or a systematic approach. Approach each situation with a new look at oneness and equality, understanding that in truth there are no limitations, other then what you as the mind allow. Trusting self and trusting that there are no mistakes other than what you have attached blame and judgment to. Allow each moment to be new and ask of yourself forgiveness whenever you realize that the decisions you made were not in truth or were of a system.” – Desteni

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Day 275: The Energy of Self-pity (Part 2)

 

Continuation from previous day’s blog: “Day 274: The Energy of Self-pity”

I have noticed also that when being in and as this type of energy there is a feeling as if being in a bubble, a cozy little bubble where no worry exists. There is a feeling of comfort and as there are external means to experience this comfort that’s what I would do, I would lie down comfortably into my bed, roll into a ball and take a comforting daytime nap,  forgetting within this all my worries.

After a while I would always start feeling a disturbance, like a big pressure in my body. In the interview it was explained that when one is faced with resistance to let go self-pity and which is experienced as a knot in the stomach area – that’s exactly the time to do some self-forgiveness in order to let got this unsupportive relationship. The relationship as I have already mentioned in my previous blog is hidden deeper, it’s not the energy that’s the core point to address but something else that creates the whole experience. In this self-honesty is the key to assess and define the actual web of relationships and thus be able to disentangle self from it. How do I really create self-pity?

When looking within myself I see that my self-pity comes from the unwillingness to apply myself, I am postponing the real work that I have to do. I know that there are many points in my reality that require my attention and where I have to put extra effort to sort out and stabilize but instead of actually doing it I will find a way to sabotage myself. Like in this one instance failing to follow through with my sleeping pattern commitment and in this I have entered into the magical world of self-pity.

Only by having listened to the interview I became aware of the positive connotation that this energy produces. I mean normally self-pity is just an emotion (negative) yet the positive within it could definitely be felt. It is suggested to have a few questions ready whenever we are experiencing self=pity, like “What physical sensations am I aware of?” “What am I aware of?”” What is energy doing to the physical?”

In this we should definitely be able to feel some form of positive energy that we should be able to define whether it being a comfort, an embrace, security, care or some other word to describe the energy. In my own experience I would the energy “comfort” because it provided me with this ability to relax into the invisible hands that take care of me, where I don’t have to do anything. So this one polarity is mixed with the negative of knowing what the heck is really going on and what I am actually accepting and allowing and what the consequences of this are. Emotionally I am being dragged down, not taking any responsibility to clear up and sort my reality. So these are the two polarities of Self-pity which are designed like a nice shiny trap, just like the fish bait that looks as if it is real.

Still the questions must be asked: “What is the point that’s really holding me to this relationship? Is it the positive feeling of the experience or the negative as the reasons, excuses and justifications that I use to not take responsibility for my world?  Do we really believe that we have the time and that it is acceptable to wallow once in a while in this experience of self-pity?

To be continued …

Day 274: The Energy of Self-pity

 

I have been listening to a series of interviews about self-pity and I have found great support for myself in them and it assisted me to identify a few points that I missed in my process of committing myself to apply myself more effectively in my daily living responsibilities.

I see now the importance of developing within myself that ability to clearly identify the various forms of energy that dominate in my daily living. It gets specific and detailed when we begin the process of describing and defining various sensations that certain energies produce.

So when we take the energy of self-pity here – the energy of it is slow moving, can be likened to the movement of a snail, the energy originates in the solar plexus and moves up to the head at the same time pulling the beingness/awareness down. This energy also has got stickiness to it, sensations of being really stuck in it, where a part of you wants to stay inside it.

I am not really yet so aware of these specific movements and technologies when having this energy around nor I am able to describe in such specificity any other form of energy but I do understand the necessity of, basically, slowing down and getting to that specificity/level of awareness to see what the heck is going on for real and how to work with that to remove these layers of built up energy within me and thus change.

Another interesting point in regards to the energy of self-pity is that the problem is not the energy itself but the point of its creation as that is the necessary point to be addressed to ensure this energy does not get its way. This activation point has to do with feeling bad about something – like an event where we said or did something or didn’t say or do something about which we feel bad and from here begin the whole process of going through memories in search of justifications to experience and create the energy of self-pity.

Now if I look at my experience in the last days I can see a point where it all started. I have promised to myself that I will be disciplined with my sleeping patterns but I haven’t managed to do this effectively and in this I needed to find reasons why I wasn’t able to do that where I found some people and some circumstances in my reality to blame for my failure. “Oh the poor little me”. It was also explained how this negative energy also has an ingredient of excitement within it and is the reason why we hold on to this energy. I mean I can relate to that, as it feels good to not be responsible for how my world and reality is. “It’s them not me” in this giving myself the permission to feel self-pity.

To be continued

Day 263: Energy as the Engine of Movement

 

I have just listened to an interview explaining what Motivation is and how it works. It became obvious that how I have lived this word was specifically designed to sabotage the real physical purpose of what this word represents.

What applies to this word applies to all other words as well – and that is about the energy behind it. How I have always lived this word is by experiencing the feeling inside me, the rush and movement within me that was pushing me to take action where I would feel ecstatic and energized to start something. It should have dawned on me earlier, without having to listen to this interview, that something is wrong – I mean I could have asked myself – did I ever really accomplish anything by being moved/moving myself in this energetic way? Well the answer is NO, somehow I always failed in my endeavors, lasting only so much before I would go ahhhh, yeaaaahh “it’s not worth it”, “there must be another way”, “I will do it later” or use some other justification and simply remain in my old patterns, unchanged, waiting and seeking for another energetic kick to move myself.

What must be realized is the nature of any energetic experience and how it moves through polarities. So in this one can calculate simplistically that when this super positive charge of motivational energy is experienced where it will end eventually, as per physics of energy movement, is the negative side of the equation.

So it’s important to be aware of when this energy is arising upon hearing, seeing the so called motivational material. That is an indication that we are about to start another energetic roller coast journey just to end at the same point yet again trying to figure out what was wrong. I always used to judge myself that I am just not good enough trying to figure out what is wrong with me – because I mean just a while ago I was so motivated, so positive to get this done and now I am just sitting here without any willingness to do anything, essentially experiencing the negative consequence of my participation in the mind.

So now the question is how do we move ourselves to get things done if we now step off this energetic wave and how do we make the decision to move ourselves instead letting the energetic charge to play its predetermined cycle?  This is where self-discipline comes in to remove this charge and make the real practical decision to move self. I mean whenever there is energy as the starting point of movement we can predict the end which is energy again as a different polarity. Thus the starting point has to be changed from energy to self. I make the decision to move myself and I move immediately without the interference of the mind which is creating the energetic experience of this movement. I see within myself that this will have to be practiced as this type of self-movement is not yet a part of me where throughout my life it was exclusively the energy that moved me, in cycles only.

So I’ll practice this self-movement in simple daily tasks in my reality to better understand the difference how it is to move and motivate myself without energy being my engine but self-realization of needs to be done.

 

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Day 262 Quick Peek into Oil & Gas

Recently I visited the so called European capital of Oil & Gas industry in Aberdeen, Scotland where I was doing my exams nearby and exploring potential job opportunities. During the visit I have been researching the existing trends of mostly the North Sea Oil & Gas market which from the first view seemed extremely positive and optimistic. It’s not until you dig deeper that you find that most of what is told and presented is based mostly on beLIEfs and hopes of people.

The biggest conundrum to be observed is the extreme growth of investment and research and constant decrease in production which has been going on for more than a decade. Reading the articles and journals you see how various companies keep expanding, how they keep building more and more offshore production and maintenance platforms to cover as many new founded fuel deposits as possible. According to experts this boom of investment might keep the production levels more or less stable until 2017 after which they will most certainly continue declining.

So we are basically faced only with a short term solution which is made to look bright and beautiful, yet not much concern or consideration is given to the long-term future. Let’s just get what we have left as fast as we can and then we will see – that is what we are living at the moment.

There is no consideration about people that are misdirected into this “booming” business once the decline will hit their lives as well as there is no consideration about the impact on nature that this fast progress will produce. In other words there is no future, only the present and short term gains from which only a few will fill their pockets. The rest is just hope that this fast progress will show us the way forward.

But it’s not so difficult actually to predict the future based on what is here. We only have to look at the human being himself, the nature of what we have become and what we live. The single purpose of entire world’s energy is to fuel this system that consists of all of us and how we interrelate with each other and how we create our shared living experience. Till now the result of our relationships that we created to direct this reality has proven to be disastrous and since there are no significant changes in place we can see where we are heading – towards more of the same and even worse because now that the earth’s resources are depleting the race for survival will push more and more people out of the system until we all find ourselves in equally screwed position – basically extinction of human race.

Now do we have to go that far to realize that bigger changes are required? I am one vote in claiming it’s not necessary, we just have to start looking into new models of how to produce an effective, and most importantly, a sustainable system to direct our lives. For that purpose we are suggesting to implement “Living Income Guaranteed” which is a new system that will immediately create necessary support structure for the most disadvantaged people in our society and serve as a prevention mechanism for the future impending disaster that we all must and will inevitably face if we continue on the same road.

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Day 249: Consolidating Myself into Self-Destructive Characters

Day in and day out, within each breath that I take I exist as some thoughts or reactions or some emotions and feelings. During this time in whatever I participate most in my mind – I become that.

What happens is the consolidation of the behavior patterns. Meaning: what gets most attention in my mind throughout prolonged period, the things in which I spend most of the time, they become “the norm”, as if “that is the way it is, as it has always been”. Now what I am noticing about myself is that I am beginning to consolidate myself into a certain characters that are not what’s best for me and for all, and so in time they grow stronger thus becoming the main characters gaining all the ground and fighting for survival in most effective ways. In this then the change becomes more difficult.

The characters I exist in and as are familiar to me, they are ME, all that I have ever known – so I believe. The memory is very short and I am not even able to remember who I was before developing my main characters I currently exist as. Who I was when I was still a child knowing nothing nor understanding the concepts of self-definition – like being inadequate, inferior, unworthy, anxious etc. All that was programmed later in my life – I mean, I have undergone “education” process at home by parents and at school where all of that was taught in and outside the classrooms. Later the television told me another vision of what it is that I should aspire and become equal to – yet again creating more separation and judgment towards the real characters that I have become. So all is designed to produce hope in us just to make sure we do not see directly at reality as that surely will make us angry and we will surely challenge the status quo

Yet who is allowing all that? It’s me, I am allowing myself to be inferior to these characters, mostly by judging them, judging myself for existing in and as these characters and in this way consolidating them into and as myself. In this I have a hate and love relationship with them, loving them perhaps 1% and hating 99%. So it’s kind of strange how in this change can be difficult, yet when we look at the whole our world all exists in the same principle – where 1% of world populations controls the 99%. That is mostly because the 99% is so divided between each other that no agreement can be reached. I wonder now if that same applies to me in this character game? I suppose so where this 99% of my time is spent in self-blame, self-judgment, all the negative predominant aspects of my life while the 1% of the positivity that remains keeps me from going mad, turning tables and taking definitive actions to change.

So the process is to shun away that 1% realizing that it’s only a cover tactic, an energetic blanket of positive feelings covering the reality that is here all the time. Then I remain standing “in the rain” and have to move myself to solve the shit. In this I force myself to understand the causes of my negativity and all the troubles troubling me. After this follows the solution where I redesign myself to stand and apply myself with necessary corrective actions and do it constantly and consistently until I consolidate myself as a new character that is beneficial for myself and all life.

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Day 14: My Relationship was a Factory of Energy Production

A few nights ago I had a dream of which the details I cannot recall, yet the only point that is certain is that the main character participating together with me within some kind of adventures in the dream was my ex-girlfriend. Even though my relationship ended almost around 8 or 9 years ago there are still occasional thoughts and memories coming up about her. That was my first and only serious long term relationship that I ever had. Since this relationship ended I never committed myself to go on the same “journey” again, as I didn’t like the emotional turmoil that such relationship involves. Either way this relationship is like my main platform from which arises the patterns of my sexual expression as well as all the patterns of communication and interactions within other intimate relationship that I formed throughout my life as well as my current agreement. So I see that it is crucial for me to disconnect the ties derived from the past where according to them I have defined myself and I still live that definition very much in my current agreement when I move and act in moments of unawareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the past alive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the past within the believe that it was great

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that all the memories I have from the past are only positive memories within that I fool myself into believing that what I had was great

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that my past relationship was based only on self-interest where I never really cared for another being but simply was concerned what I can get from the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in the relationship just because of how my girlfriend looked while I had resistance to everything else she represented

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value only on picture presentation of another being where I allowed myself to be brainwashed by media where I programmed myself with the believes and ideas of what beautiful is and what should be strived for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a winner when I got a girl that is considered beautiful by society and where I felt proud of myself for being the one that she chose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself on the other hand to be ashamed of my girlfriend because she was not fitting the standards of intelligence that my mother has set

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at my mother for telling me that my relationship was only short term and that it  won’t  last long even though I could see myself  that my relationship is only based on sex and energy which I knew can last only for so long

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost within myself when after the energy ran out within the relationship I was left only with a being that was dependent on me and who having now served the purpose of making me happy was no longer necessary

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, understand and realize the nature of relationships and the consequences that manifested if I allow myself to be driven by energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after the energy ran out within my relationship still keep the relationship going because of my inability to take responsibility and speak the truth instead I continued to drag the relationship where within that I attempted to create energy by manipulating my girlfriend where I would threaten to leave her thus making her cry which made me feel good as there was a supply of energy for the vampire that was me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that I was abusing a being to satisfy my addiction to energy and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear taking responsibility where I didn’t know how to stop the relationship to which I was also in a way addicted as I have defined myself through the experiences that we had together

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize the mechanics of consequences for participating in energy of the mind as seen clearly in my relationship where the initial excitement was fueling my mind consciences personality with new energy supply that I used to run my systems where the main ingredient within that is Pictures as moments turning to memories and in time I created the database which has defined who I am in relation to these pictures – suddenly when the energy runs out within the relationship I am fucked as the castle that I build can no longer be sustained because there is simply no more energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful of relationships after my first relationship where I decided to not have any more long-term relationships again because I did not want to experience the fall out of Love again

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the real truth of me within the context of relationship was revealed after the energy ran out and I was standing there without energy trying to make decisions

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see that in reality I was uncaring and ignorant energy addict who did not give a fuck about another being within a relationship if that another did not provide me with energy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that being in love within a relationship is the same as having a well-functioning factory of energy production where the energy is used to fuel the idea of myself as who I want to be where who I want to be is completely based on my systematic programming from school, peers, family, media that is all in complete separation and ignorance of the actual reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that my ability to create this well-functioning factory of energy production is completely based on my position within the system as the money that is available and other circumstances and where I never considered that most people in this world have no access to these resources and thus are unable to experience “love”

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by me forming this energy factory I am fueling not only my own personal mind system but also the total system where i ensure its continuation though energy supply not realizing that this systems is faulty in itself and is providing for only a few select beings while the rest suffer

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s possible to have a relationship that is not based in energy but in real practical support and consideration of each other where through that I no longer support the system that is unequal in providing for all

Thus within that I commit myself to no longer participate and create relationships based on my happiness defined by the amount of energy I get to fuel who I think I am as well as this whole system but I commit to from now to remain stable, here, not requiring energy to move myself and where I consider the totality of this system and how it functions

I commit to stop using energy to fuel my mind bubble within realization that this mind bubble is only a constituent of the system that is abusive and unequal in nature thus I stop supporting it through stopping my participation in my thought/feelings/emotions and I work as a real practical being within realization that this system has to be changed and transformed into a system that supports all beings on earth equally by providing the resources of the earth for all as earth is giving these resources unconditionally for all so that all could enjoy our experience here

I commit to work on self-education on how to create relationship not based on energy and within that become an example for all lovers out there to show that fulfillment and real happiness is possible simply by caring about another without using them as energy extraction wells

I commit to stop the recreation of my past within my current relationships where I stop participation in my memories as if they are something to be valued within realization that I am only viewing the positive side of my past and do not consider the consequences that such actions bring

I commit myself to work on each memory that comes up within me where I identify the nature of the memory and within that I unleash myself from the memory so that I would be able to live here as a new being creating a new world with a new foundation within realization that all of the old has to go as it was never here to support all life

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