Reaping The Harvest Without Re-planting The Seeds

I have been trying to understand the pattern which seems to be repeating over and over again. This relates to self-movement which I seems to unable to sustain on a consistent basis. It appears that everything is moving in waves where one day things are emerging nicely, the opportunities are opening up, I feel confident and ready to tackle the challenges and then… the next day there is none of that, there is lack of self-determination, things seems to be stuck, the resistance looms and I have to really push myself to create the momentum again.

In this I see there are many dimensions involved, but here I have been looking at one specific point where for example I had to understand that the good days where things are happening and the opportunities are sprouting etc. are not coming out of nowhere but are the result of actions taken before, they are the fruits that came from the seeds I planted. Now these seeds have grown to produce that fruit and these results and I am reaping these rewards by focusing only on the fruit itself. I get rather excited and satisfied and quite fulfilled in myself, but like I said this does not last and the next moment I am stuck again as the momentum dissipates. The “fruits” die off. Besides there is a sensation of separation from self, like I have lifted away from the ground, lost my footing so to speak. This basically indicates that I have allowed myself to get lost in the sweet nectar of the positive energy. And it’s not something that is even very obvious but is quite subtle and happens in moments where I lose my awareness and disappear into the mind reality which are many and they all accumulate still to produce a more massive f*** up.

Obviously in this period I am not planting any seeds for the next cycle, and neither am I taking care of the “soil” for that which I already have – so in my case it would be specific types of actions that ground me, like for example writing, physical exercise, communicating/interacting with various people etc. So these I see I need to have as a more constant point to ensure I am am not swept away for any longer periods of time by the mind.

Also another important dimension I see is that I am relying too much on a single point (single seed and single fruit = mono crops) where because of that there are usually expectations created, a point of specialness emerges, fear of loss appears (which is in itself another seed that grows to bear the result) and also such lack of diversity is just not cool in any way. Thus more seeds, more fruits, more diversity = abundance of living | the goal |

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Day 306: The Disease Of Loneliness

The last week was a period of some insight into myself, a rather difficult one, where I have started to see myself more clearly as what I have become and how I have been living in relation to everything and everyone, for a long time now. Sometimes I am using the Osho cards to assist myself with opening up the points for consideration. One card that kept coming up was Miser to which initially I did not pay much attention but slowly the awareness of myself as that has grown and is now undeniable, it’s here in my face.

The description of the card in the book:

This woman has created a fortress around herself, and she is clinging to all the possessions she thinks are her treasures. In fact, she has accumulated so much stuff with which to adorn herself–including the feathers and furs of living creatures–that she has made herself ugly in the effort. This card challenges us to look at what we are clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable it needs to be protected by a fortress. It needn’t be a big bank balance or a box full of jewels–it could be something as simple as sharing our time with a friend, or taking the risk of expressing our love to another. Like a well that is sealed up and becomes stagnant from disuse, our treasures become tarnished and worthless if we refuse to share them. Whatever you’re holding on to, remember that you can’t take it with you. Loosen your grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring.

The are many aspects of this in my case which are intertwined between each other and I can see that it will be an effort to take it all apart. Sharing is perhaps the biggest word encompassing many parts: like the inability to share myself with another where I take much for granted together with lack of gratitude for the people I have in my world and what they have done for me. Judging everything and everyone, trying to elevate myself and in this diminishing everyone else. Valuing my space so much that no one feels welcome in it. These are the main patterns I am aware of.

Until now I was somehow managing to hide this truth from myself by occupying my mind with more benevolent thoughts building on top of who I am underneath. It’s like layers of me that I exist as and as I peel one layer another gets exposed.

This exposure became possible through the conscious effort to stop participation in the usual thoughts that pre-occupy me day in and day out. This is where I started to feel quite a discomfort because I was no longer feeding myself with the energy to keep the outer layer characters, thus exposing that which is hiding under the surface – the Miser. What lurks even deeper is yet to be discovered, but even seeing this part of myself is challenging, and even here there are many dimension that i will have to work with.

As I become more aware of the miser within me, I can see that there many aspects of it coming from various sources. Unsurprisingly the main source appears to be coming from the family. It is interesting how I was always aware of this point in my environment but I managed to distance myself from that and actually fooled myself that I am better. And yes, there was a period where I was actively breaking this bond and living the openness and sharing, but somehow in time, I have hardened myself, became lazy and simply fell back into the tracks of who I was always supposed to be as the pre-programmed self. Money for sure seems to be an important factor in this shift, because I can see that since getting a job and starting to earn money and participating in the system and in this having to put up a mask – I have compromised much and never truly found a way to create a healthy balance. To be in the system but not of it – this is the point I have missed. It was much easier to simply give in and completely become a “normal” part of the system, in this no effort, no courage, no self-will is required. Just running on a default setting.

Considering myself to be a part of the Desteni group which stands for life and the end of abuse in every way, with only minimum participation, was kind of enough to feel a tiny bit better about myself and in this way manage the madness of the reality of me. It gave me the stability but no further growth. It’s the same with everything in life – if you do the minimum this is what you get. Surely being part of Desteni even at minimum participation and in this getting stability is a good deal for anyone because if we look around in the world there is much disharmony and stability is hard to come by. This is like the first step to get to, like a platform from where more things can be considered. Thus, I am grateful for being able to utilize this platform, as all the people within it, the available courses, the thousands of interviews on EQAFE on every imaginable topic for every possible eventuality of life. I truly have to humble myself here and give thanks to the people who make this possible and whom I have taken for granted due to my miserly attitude that I have accepted as myself without truly questioning it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take people and things in my reality for granted, to take without giving back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a fortress inside and outside where only that can enter which benefits me as who I have accepted myself to be as the character of greed and self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down any regard for people immediately dismissing them through judgment and unwillingness to consider the deeper, common ground we all share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fortress where I protect myself from experiencing the pain in me or another, where not all is welcome but only that which fits my limited rules of engagement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create as myself the characters of apparent benevolence when the outer manifested reality as all my actions shows clearly that I am existing in complete separation and disregard for what is here in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into and as the mind characters with absolute minimum connection to life essence, just enough to feed and sustain myself as the mind characters and maintain relative stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everything through my limited frames of definition, categorizing and classifying everything, including myself, where thus I am trying to place myself in a better position compared to others because apparently my survival depends on that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have become a part of the biggest disease inflicting humanity as that of separation and isolation from each other and all that is here as life where through the fear of survival and fear of each other we are creating our own demise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deal only with symptoms of my disease by trying to feel better about myself, creating various ideas and believes about myself to keep myself stable instead of moving myself to discover the actual problem and where it is coming from to thus give myself the opportunity to see and live the potential that is here

I commit myself to continue self-investigation, sourcing all the courage possible to keep looking at myself as what I have become and in this find ways to forgive and correct myself

I commit myself to stop the pattern of only dealing with the symptoms of my disease/the separation that I exist in and as by trying to create relative stability in my life to actually walking and facing the deeper truth of myself

I commit myself to become comfortable with the discomfort of seeing myself for real by first accepting the parts of me that are in separation and then finding the most effective ways to transform into that which is best for all

I commit myself to continue the process of developing my awareness of the patterns that I utilize to hide from the truth of me and challenge those patterns by stopping my participation/feeding of those patterns with energy

I commit myself to work on developing the ability to welcome all parts of me into my life where I also develop self-trust to know that I can deal with whatever comes

To be continued…

 

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Day 305: Realizing and Living my Utmost Potential

Here I am sharing my process of aligning myself to what I see most crucial principles of life. In this blog I continue with the following principle where I will show my understanding and living application of it:

Realizing and Living my Utmost Potential

 

It has been a painful process, perhaps somewhat unnecessarily so, mostly because of this tendency to hold myself back when nothing really is holding me back – it’s usually some petty desires and irrational fears that are used as an excuse. Yes, I am wasting time.

Still, the point of realizing and living the utmost potential is constantly within my awareness. Here thus the challenge comes now, considering and including the above paragraph of holding myself back or basically considering my actual reality of who I really am at the moment, to find the most practical ways to create and live the real change.

In this time is a teacher because as the time goes by and there is no real change happening – obviously there is a misalignment somewhere, I am missing the point. And this point of self-acceptance is one of the biggest cookies to swallow. Seeing, understanding and not judging that which I uncover and expose of myself is a tough process. I mean the extent of accepted self-limitation is extreme and it is difficult and very humbling to admit to self that this is what I have become. We like to see and believe ourselves to be a bit better, more benevolent beings – we try to get validation to confirm these believes and yes, we manage and we confirm but within this confirmation we fool ourselves and we do not see ourselves for who we really are and that is why the change becomes so challenging because when we try to change there is a discrepancy, our self-allocation point does not match the reality. I mean it’s like creating all the practical steps of how to get from point A to point B when the point A is not really where we think it is, we are just not self-honest enough to admit that point A is a bit more fucked up.

So this was probably the biggest obstacle within this process of realizing and living the utmost potential. Self-honesty is thus the key to admit the actual point of the location of self. This then allows me to create practical and more effective steps to move on, no matter how small or insignificant that seems initially, the realization is that even the tiniest points of self-discipline accumulate and eventually produce some results. From here the growth happens.

The next step from here I find it supportive to utilize practical projection of how my potential could be lived in my reality. Now that I have my self-allocation point in alignment with what is real I can create more realistic projections of who I want to become, basically seeing the changes I have to walk and how to do that and how it would look like in specific situations. There is still a tendency of holding back, not committing fully to what I see I have to do – but here again I see what are the words I can implement and live to walk through these issues that arise – like for example the word patience within the understanding that as I start acting with self-discipline in small moments it will take time for self-trust to accumulate and grow into real courage to take something bigger.

In the end perhaps the biggest realization for me was the importance of small moments, apparently insignificant yet so powerful when they are done consistently over time. And so it is with the utmost potential which can be born and becomes visible from the accumulation of tiny moments as they are lived fully to the utmost. It is actually in the tiny moments that the utmost potential is hidden, it is in one breath.

 

Day 293: Being in Agreement with Myself that Change is Required

I have a blocked nose, some head and eye pain for a few days now which most likely at this point is due to environmental factors such as wind, heat and cold of which I have plenty here. I speculate that my movement in terms of accepting a new position/responsibility at work which required of me to break quite a few deep character patterns has in a way weakened my established constitution thus making me more susceptible to outside influences.

I can still experience a sort of battle within me where the old and the new meet. I have decided within myself that I will no longer procrastinate and wait for changes to happen but that I will take initiative and go with the decisions that empower me. The past, as my thoughts of fear, anxiety, insecurity, laziness and also desires to indulge in positive energy experiences are still coming up where in this I am standing with my decision in front of me and I refuse to follow my old patterns and I refuse to succumb to the influences which were producing only the negative consequences very well proven in time.

I accept those fears, the anxieties, and the desires realizing that they have been a part of me for a very long time and thus it will take some time to transform that. I do not resist or judge those parts of me but I support myself by giving myself the credit for making the small steps to stand. The saying that later is better than never is cool. So all parts of me are here and we all walk hand in hand realizing that the change is necessary and that what we are doing is for the better.

Now in terms of this transition from the old into the new I found the aphorism made by the founder of homeopathy Samuel Hahnemann very supportive. Even though he speaks about the role of a physician when dealing with a disease still we can view it from the perspective of us being our own physicians who are dealing with our dis-ease that was preventing us to live truly fulfilling lives:

“The highest ideal of cure is rapid, gentle and permanent restoration of the health, or removal and annihilation of the disease in its whole extent, in the shortest, most reliable, and most harmless way, on easily comprehensible principles.”

Even though the reality is often different and we experience quite a turmoil when dealing with change the above point can serve as a guideline towards which we can strive by perfecting ourselves each time we face the challenges of change from a dis-eased state into a healthier one.

Now in terms of “comprehensible principles” mentioned in the text here I would like to mention one of them which was and is extremely supportive for me at this point in time on this journey of change. That is the point of judgment – of Self and others. And that is because I am noticing that, at least in the beginning, I am making a lot of mistakes. In the past this would have stopped me and I would have fallen back into my usual self-limiting patterns where I feel comfortable and where I would not push myself nor expand nor try new things. Now by dealing with this fear of failure, and again by using another useful principle of writing and investigating myself, I can accept the fuck-ups I make and just move on. It’s truly liberating. Try it!!! And another interesting thing is that once I started supporting myself in this and removing the self-judgments, the others around me also started supporting me and giving a thumbs up, even when I did some really ridiculous mistakes lol. So I am really grateful to many people in my reality for standing as that support in those moments when I really needed it. That gives great motivation to go on and be the same for others

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Day 287: Understanding and Living by the Principle of What is Best for All – Part 2

Here I am continuing from my previous blog where I was writing about my understanding and living application of the principle – What’s Best for All.

So what does it really mean to live this principle in a practical way? For myself I have observed that the best and most practical way to start living this principle is right here in my immediate environment with the small, everyday things, yet at the same time being able to look further and direct and create my life to have a satisfactory future in which again the principle of what’s best for all would be reflected.

One of the first things that I needed to correct in my behavior was the pace, the speed at which I was living my life, meaning that I had to really slow myself down and thus become more aware of what I was doing and how I was moving in my reality, how I was making decisions, interacting with people etc. Whenever I would lose that awareness I could see how my decisions and all my actions would arise automatically from my preprogrammed mind. This automated behavior simply means that I would act and do everything in a way how I was taught by my parents, how I was taught in my school, and as I have explained in my previous blog the knowledge we are currently taught within all such institutions and from each other has created the present condition of this world where most are poor and suffering and only minority can enjoy this reality in abundance and we are taught to just accept that as being a natural part of life, when it is not actually cast in stone.

So in order to start living according to the principle what’s best for all I had to become aware of the knowledge that was imprinted into me throughout the years and change this preprogramming into self-aware actions where I now have to consciously look and consider the best physical practical ways to go about my days. So this is a process that I am walking and through being patient with myself, allowing myself to make mistakes I slowly change.

If I look back at my life I can see how erratic my behavior used to be where I was acting mostly based on my feelings and emotions that would come up randomly without me understanding how that is generated in my mind . I would never give myself the time of day to stop for a moment and reflect on why, for example, I feel what I feel, or why do I experience the rush of emotions that make me act in ways that I would have regrets about later on. In this I found the importance to have my own time, mostly the evenings, where I sit down and look at my day and reflect on all the significant events that happened and who I was within them. It was interesting to see, initially, that I, as awareness, wasn’t really there and that all the events were simply unfolding based on the years of accumulated knowledge, or simply speaking the systematic preprogramming of how to act in each and every situation and this is what played out day in and day out.

Now with awareness and principled living the life story changes and it’s no longer just a program playing out but I step into the picture to interfere and make some changes in the programming. As I have explained above the tool of consciously slowing myself down was and is very effective, where even though sometimes I do miss some moments and blindly follow my emotions, I am now mostly able to make a choice and say to myself that I refuse to go into the chaos of the mind and in this make a choice/a decision that is not reactive but self-directed, where my guideline of action is the principle of what is best for all.

In my next blog I will continue with the same principle where I want to discuss the morality aspect of it and how and why living according to this principle many in our society would term as negative or unacceptable behavior

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Day 284: Living Words: Determination

 

The problem I am facing is the premature giving up whenever I am going into a new area of research. At the moment I am busy doing research about potential job opportunities and this requires of me to go where I have not gone before. All the new words, definitions, relationships quickly overwhelm me and usually, through manifesting the experience of tiredness, I go into extreme postponement. The thoughts in the moment convince me that it’s just too much of new information and there is just no way I can, any time soon, learn the details. Sometimes I manage to push myself a little and so I start picking up the words, going through the dictionary getting the meanings of them and building slowly my understanding, yet still at some point my self-motivation expires and normally I move on to some other activity that is more familiar to me and which requires less effort.

Yes I managed a few times to prove to myself that it is actually possible to arrive to a greater understanding with some more determination but still having walked the path of giving up more frequently I tend to fall into that trail. It’s as if I have placed a limitation device in my brain that activates after certain input of information is reached. Alarm goes off and tiredness falls upon me forcing me to direct myself to another activity that would resume my energy level to normal functionality.

So that’s obviously a problem now that I am willing to change myself, expand and grow in my reality. Thus as a solution to this obstacle I would like to start with one of the words that i see should be lived within these situations that I face – this word is Determination.

If I look at how I lived this word until now it’s been put on hold, postponed for the future living where always some preconditions existed before I could live it, I would tell myself that when I get there or there then the conditions will be perfect and I will fully commit and dedicate myself. However in time I realized that no matter what the conditions were, upon fulfilling those conditions, no change was really ever implemented by me, if only for a short while until I would create some more preconditions to become and live determination in my life.

It’s interesting how this word has the exact meaning I require to have within my resolve where if we take from the word the prefix de- which means undo or reverse to the opposite. Then the next part is -termination, thus instead of prematurely terminating my process of research and investigation I reverse the process with self determination and walk a point towards a specified completion.

So when and as I decide to research or investigate a point in my reality and in this I face my mind which wants to terminate the process and direct me away from the task I stop myself and I commit myself to realize that I am able to stick to my decision and, by pushing through my resistances, break my limitations thus rewarding myself with greater understanding and expansion in my reality

When and as I experience tiredness when performing a task I stop myself within realization that I am the one that allowed the thoughts to create this experience and as a solution I commit myself to shake off this experience by having a quick break or just move around yet still holding the determination to comeback and perform the task into specified completion

Here immediately I can see some other closely linked words that are of utmost importance and which I have also failed to live, like for example: focus, planning, structure or words that I lived with emotional attachment, like for example doubt, failure, difficulty which as a consequence swayed me in all kinds of directions not allowing me to be here, stable and determined to complete my goals

 

Read this cool article on the word Determination

Living Word the Word Determination: Day 285

 

 

 

Day 242: What it Means to Actually Do It

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Observing the small, seemingly insignificant, activities throughout my day I can start seeing the bigger picture of me. I mean all the small bits and pieces of how I live my life constitute the totality of who I am. Every thought, every word, every action and decision determines the outcome. It is not cool when I find myself at the end of the day, or the end of the week, month or a year with the saddening realization – I haven’t produced any of the changes that I wanted.

So it’s crucial to examine those pieces and make sure that each piece reflects my bigger decision – to change. In this nothing is insignificant. I found just today, with help of my partner, how one simple believe was standing in my way of effective living. This was in relation to how I have been approaching my studies and more specifically the discipline that is required to commit my time to actually do the study each and every day. My believe was that I have to first program myself into the discipline character through forcing myself each day to spend time studying. It was like a perceived fight with myself that I have to engage into and force that change. That was like a living postponement instead of being here in each moment of the day and living my decision to move within my studies by actually finding the available moments in my daily living and committing to sit and just do the study. Of course within this, through consistent self-application I will in a way program myself to become more effective in this where my action of study will become like a norm of my living day whereas now it still has to be done with much awareness and some pushing of myself to actually do it.

So basically I was lacking that simple decision like– “ok, I have now a period of a few hours where I am not doing anything so I move myself to open my textbook and read it, do the assignments etc.”

This pattern of running off into the future is influencing not only the point of studies but also other areas of my life. I noticed that with simple tasks around the house. Here again i go through a complex process of decision making – Usually I find myself standing in the middle of the room contemplating what, where, how to do it – in this most of the times making a decision to not do it at all as all seems so complex. Again here I am missing the simplicity of going out there and actually starting something, making actual physical investigation – instead of mulling around in the mind and producing some shitty emotion that puts me off from doing the work.

The mind is very good at making things seem more difficult than they really are. I have already proven to myself on many occasions that when I make myself go out there, begin something I find way and methods to make it work. In this it very clear that what was happening within the process couldn’t have been predicted in the mind as the mind has its limits of perception (and it looks like the mind when thinking fills the gaps of what is unknown with the symbolism of infinity/impossibility sending the message of “better don’t go there”). So in many ways the process in the physical is unpredictable and only through application the points will become clear and so if I am clear about what needs to be done, as well as if I have some options of how to proceed, I will be fine – something will work out, because it does as I have already seen.

All right so the self-direction is clear in this – have to move myself, engage myself into activity and learn within that, learn how to deal with whatever comes up in the moment and finding best possible solutions in any unpredictable situation. That’s the fun.

 

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Day 209: Making the choice requires living them into action

Here I am revisiting once again my decision to stand absolutely within my decision to walk myself back to life from that which is not life. Existing in constant thinking that creates endless webs of confusion distracting me from the real physical participation in my reality is definitely not living and thus has to be stopped for life to be born, and so here I am facing the reality of the real physical actions required to manifest this correction I realize more and more how diligent, constant and consistent self-application must become.

I am more and more starting to see how each day, each interaction, each moment and even each breath determines the outcome of who I am and will be. I realize how any small deviation from everyday consistency compromises all previous efforts. In other words the input as each fraction is equal to the output as who I am becoming through the accumulation of these fractions. If during my day I spend most of the time in my mind thinking, judging, condemning, blaming etc. others than be sure that the outcome will be a personal world and reality that is full of fear, uncertainty, self-distrust, and all other goodies that are the products of such thinking processes. If on the other hand I am aware with all my interactions, remaining stable within my breath not allowing any thoughts, feelings or emotions to influence and determine the way I move myself in this physical reality where I see and act based on common sense and practical considerations of everything and everyone that I am aware of – then surely the outcome will be the growth of responsibility and common sense understanding about who I am, how this reality in fact function and thus how can I change myself and my reality.

So this is the choice we all face

Continuation in the next blog

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Imagining Solutions vs. The Living Solution: DAY 258
Imagining Solutions vs. The Living Solution (Part Two): DAY 259

Reptilians - Facing Choice (Part 2) - Part 108

Day 33: What are you doing with your life?

Recently I was asked “What are you doing with your life?” So I have been sitting for a while having some difficulty to respond, not knowing how to approach that question. And I mean so far the only answer I was able to find for this kind of hesitation is simply to starting to write. Easy.

So what I am doing with my life? First of all I don’t know what life is because I have seen in the last years, upon close self-observation, that I have never lived. I have seen that the way I exist is simply patterns of behavior that I repeat over and over again. I have seen my limitations and my fear to break from them and how much I hold on to that which I know to be me. I have seen that most of my actions are automatically learned responses imprinted since childhood which act on my behalf while in the meantime I am nowhere to be found. Still I manage to catch myself in moments and stop myself and become more aware of what I am actually doing and where I am participating within my reality – bringing myself back to reality so to speak. That means that I am bringing myself back to the physical reality out of the mind reality. In my mind there is alternate reality that I exist in and as which is mostly secret reality that I hide from others and where I hold my believes, thoughts, ideas, judgments about other people, anger towards other people, spitefulness towards them etc. And then within that I can see that other people exist in the same way – where what we present to each other doesn’t match at all what is inside of us. So “life” is lived as a bipolar disorder – life is really sick. Thus what I am doing with my life? Is that I am trying to heal it.

Then another question relevant to ask here is “what is the cure for this disease?” I mean we as human have tried many methods to solve our problems, yet so far we failed miserably. Love didn’t work, positivity made things much worse, free choice allowed to freely abuse the world etc. And so I have also tried my ways to escape myself but each time I was brought down to my knees to seek another way. And so I went like that deducting all my possibilities until finally only one option remains and, which, I realize now is the only way to heal myself and this reality – first of all is of course admitting to myself that I am actually very sick, I mean we heard that a lot from different specialists, especially in cases of addictions where the first step in curing the addiction is admitting that we are addicted. So we have to admit that this world is in a very bad condition and that we are far from doing well in ourselves as well. I mean this world simply speaking is a reflection of how we exist inside of us. And if there exist a believe that “my life has nothing to do with the world around me” I mean it’s just a temporary hallucination that will be healed in time when time will prove otherwise. So after we have these realizations settled, the next step towards the cure is the realization that the disease has to be brought to attention, has to be exposed in all its “beauty”. Within this I find myself still very reluctant to really look at it as it is so fucking very nasty that it takes real courage to finally do it. And I am in the process of training myself to look at all of me without judgment as it is the condition that gives access to more and more nastiness to be revealed. Gladly I have tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application that I utilize and thus work on myself slowly but surely getting to know more and more of myself. It’s not easy and I can see that I have barely started my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it’s the end of the “road” where all solutions and escape mechanism have been tried and what’s remaining is actual facing of self within all aspects of self where within that I really tried to deny the “bad” parts of me trying to ignore them and thus remove from my existence not realizing that they were always here and they were just growing and flourishing because of my denial

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I grow and project myself only as positivity my negative will be conquered – which is as stupid as participating in charities within the believe that it will remove poverty without realizing that the problem is at the fundamental level where we live within the believe that we are separate from each other – thus equalization of self to all parts of existence within realization that we ARE actually one and equal to everything and everyone is the only valid answer to our problems

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am separate from everything and everyone else and that my actions somehow have no effect on the whole where within that I believe in my free choice and my right to personal happiness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my life on useless attempts to make my life all right by remaining positive and trying to balance my thoughts, feelings and emotions without realizing that the polar mind itself is a problem and can never remain stable in one place but has to constantly move from positive to negative thus keeping this whole abusive system in place

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider anything beyond the mind reality as it is the only thing I have ever known and so I have put all my trust into it never questioning who I am without it

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I fear losing my mind as all the relationships that I have created, categorized, defined to/towards other parts of existence where I believe that by losing these relationships I will lose myself without realizing that these relationships are in fact limiting me from the realization that I am one and equal to all that is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose my individuality if I will realize my equality and oneness with everything and everyone not realizing that this is only expansion of my individuality that will include everything and everyone

Thus I commit myself to live my life in a way where I let go of my personal self-interest and start considering everything and everyone within realization that who I am now is just my accepted and allowed separation which I have the ability to stop and within that I expand myself through my actions that prove my consideration and caring for all as myself

I commit myself to stop all believes that somehow my personal life is special and more important than any other life on this earth within realization that this is simply delusional

I commit myself to  expose the destructiveness of the believe in free choice and the idea of “my life” by showing that it is exactly what caused all the problems in this world thus we must bring all “my live’s” back together into LIFE

Other suggest readings:

Day 30: The Decision

Day 27: It’s always only been me

Day 12 – What is Real Love

Very Supportive Interviews: