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There are parts of me that I do not like and I know for a fact that they are standing in my way to becoming a better being. Yet instead of going directly to the source of the problem there is a tendency to ignore the negative and concentrate or sometimes fully embody myself into acts of positive nature just to run away from the negative.
Throughout my life I utilized the tactics of running away from the negative where I would try to foresee the negative consequences before they would manifest. That was especially the case when I used to live abroad in different places with different people. I enjoyed having good relationships and good atmosphere and tried to maintain that for as long as possible. If, however, I could see that the relationships or the environment is destabilizing and there will be some shit around I would simply pack my bags and flee.
During this period I placed quite a lot of attention on my dreams where most of the times I could see rather correct future predictions/play outs. So with this tool on my hands I would watch for signs that would tell me when it’s time to leave the place and move on. My motto was to leave when everything is still in the positive and that’s what I always did. In these moments the separation with the place and people was difficult because I was in the positive polarity.
Somehow at that time I didn’t see or understand the nature of the world that we live in, where know I have seen that positive and negative are both interconnected and cannot exist without each other. I believed that it is possible to exist only in the positive polarity and that’s what I tried to achieve, I tried to create positivity wherever I go. OK so that was quite a self-delusion as I see it now, because when I look back now more specifically I can see that the negativity was always there – behind the scenes, in my own mind. And I mean it was perhaps like 99% of the time- lol. Of course I suffered it alone in the depths of my mind and would just present the cool guy to the outside world.
Somehow the mind, after all is gone, would cling to the positive moments, remembering how cool and nice it was in some particular place. But that is not the reality. There was always my backchat about other people, the secret mind that was judgmental, hateful, spiteful, angry etc. So yes my life was always lived as Bipolar disorder. The negative was suppressed deep within showing itself in dreams, which I would interpret as a sign that it’s time to flee.
You can Run but you can’t Hide
Read More about NEGATIVITY:
Day 294: Negativity - Greatest Platform for Mind Control
Day 295: Redefining A "Negative" Childhood “The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side…”: DAY 348
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and present to my world a different, more positive presentation of myself not realizing the consequence that is produced by such deceptive behavior
Since I wrote about the point of distractions within doing tasks/assignments in my reality I have seen quite a good improvement in how I approach that, yet now I see that it wasn’t absolute and that there are much more to delete from the list of unwanted behavior. I am still allowing in many instances my self-interest to overpower the responsibility I have towards myself and reality as a whole.
That’s the character that comes in whenever I face a difficulty in my life where I as the character want to end it all, move away from the difficulty, start again, make another stupidity loop just to arrive to the same point over and over again – of having to face the difficulty of breaking the patterns of my accepted behavior. It’s so easy to just retreat and not face myself, to remain unchanged and even righteous by finding many justifications why I couldn’t bring myself to the point of change.
I had a reaction reading this article and there was like an experience of total separation where I completely refused to stand as equal to this kind of atrocity. Later I have read a 
Arvydas' Journey to Life 