The problem I am facing is the premature giving up whenever I am going into a new area of research. At the moment I am busy doing research about potential job opportunities and this requires of me to go where I have not gone before. All the new words, definitions, relationships quickly overwhelm me and usually, through manifesting the experience of tiredness, I go into extreme postponement. The thoughts in the moment convince me that it’s just too much of new information and there is just no way I can, any time soon, learn the details. Sometimes I manage to push myself a little and so I start picking up the words, going through the dictionary getting the meanings of them and building slowly my understanding, yet still at some point my self-motivation expires and normally I move on to some other activity that is more familiar to me and which requires less effort.
Yes I managed a few times to prove to myself that it is actually possible to arrive to a greater understanding with some more determination but still having walked the path of giving up more frequently I tend to fall into that trail. It’s as if I have placed a limitation device in my brain that activates after certain input of information is reached. Alarm goes off and tiredness falls upon me forcing me to direct myself to another activity that would resume my energy level to normal functionality.
So that’s obviously a problem now that I am willing to change myself, expand and grow in my reality. Thus as a solution to this obstacle I would like to start with one of the words that i see should be lived within these situations that I face – this word is Determination.
If I look at how I lived this word until now it’s been put on hold, postponed for the future living where always some preconditions existed before I could live it, I would tell myself that when I get there or there then the conditions will be perfect and I will fully commit and dedicate myself. However in time I realized that no matter what the conditions were, upon fulfilling those conditions, no change was really ever implemented by me, if only for a short while until I would create some more preconditions to become and live determination in my life.
It’s interesting how this word has the exact meaning I require to have within my resolve where if we take from the word the prefix de- which means undo or reverse to the opposite. Then the next part is -termination, thus instead of prematurely terminating my process of research and investigation I reverse the process with self determination and walk a point towards a specified completion.
So when and as I decide to research or investigate a point in my reality and in this I face my mind which wants to terminate the process and direct me away from the task I stop myself and I commit myself to realize that I am able to stick to my decision and, by pushing through my resistances, break my limitations thus rewarding myself with greater understanding and expansion in my reality
When and as I experience tiredness when performing a task I stop myself within realization that I am the one that allowed the thoughts to create this experience and as a solution I commit myself to shake off this experience by having a quick break or just move around yet still holding the determination to comeback and perform the task into specified completion
Here immediately I can see some other closely linked words that are of utmost importance and which I have also failed to live, like for example: focus, planning, structure or words that I lived with emotional attachment, like for example doubt, failure, difficulty which as a consequence swayed me in all kinds of directions not allowing me to be here, stable and determined to complete my goals
Read this cool article on the word Determination
Living Word the Word Determination: Day 285
This character has shown itself today at work when I was performing my duties and where my colleague then told me that I wasn’t following the correct procedure. To correct myself in that moment I had to go back and take the necessary equipment which I was too lazy to do and thus I said “fuck it, nobody is going to see me”. He insisted for a while and then I said to him why are you worried, who’s gonna see me. Inside me i was accusing him of being irritating where the backchat went like “what the fuck you care man”. So in that moment I completely justified myself perceiving the situation as completely unworthy of even being discussed. Moments later I was proven wrong however when my boss saw me and mentioned the point, of course I had to comply immediately, where I experienced some emotion within me. My ego that manifested in this moment had to take the defeat, still justifying the rules as stupid and judging my boss as being too concerned about nonsense.
Experiencing tiredness before and while studying is something I had and still have quite a lot. Until this moment I have proven to myself beyond the shadow of a doubt that it’s almost all self-inflicted through thinking, unless sometimes it’s real physical tiredness after some very intense day of physical labor. Either way the distinction between the two is obvious and it’s all now up to me to stand within all these moments when I am fooling myself through the mind and say no to the illusion of tiredness.
That’s the character that comes in whenever I face a difficulty in my life where I as the character want to end it all, move away from the difficulty, start again, make another stupidity loop just to arrive to the same point over and over again – of having to face the difficulty of breaking the patterns of my accepted behavior. It’s so easy to just retreat and not face myself, to remain unchanged and even righteous by finding many justifications why I couldn’t bring myself to the point of change.
Arvydas' Journey to Life 