Day 294: Slowing Down and Deciding Who I Am

 

Norvz-Austria-Makes-Time-Stand-StillThis comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.

Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.

Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.

When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.

So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.

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Day 192: I am not good enough” character – Physical/Behavioral Dimension: (Part1)

 

This blog is a continuation within the series of blogs I am writing about “I am not good enough” character which manifests itself within situations where I have to take action by making a decision to actively participate in my everyday reality. In this blog I am looking at the Physical/Behavioral Dimension: that manifest in my body when this character is playing out.

Introductory Blog

 

Fear Dimension

Fear of being judged
Fear of making mistakes
Fear of confrontation/people
Fear of losing myself and that which I know
Fear of not being able to handle the truth of me
Fear of losing free choice
Fear of the responsibility

Thought dimension

Seeing myself in a situation that goes out of hand and I cannot control it
Seeing a picture that is “empty/blank”
Seeing a picture of myself where I am being screamed at/called out

Backchat dimension

How will people react when I change from being silent/introverted guy to suddenly being active in my participation
I just cannot start participating with people from my surroundings because the topics they discuss are useless and of pure self-interest
If I start participating/interacting actively I will have to sustain that and will not have the free time I used to have
I am not good at applying knowledge practically, I spent too much time just reading and listening to others
I just have to start doing it and it will work out
I do not have the critical thinking skills like others do, all I did was follow others throughout my life

Reactions

Guilt
Inferiority
Anxiety
Overwhelmingness
Depression
Expectation / Anticipation
Excitement

Physical/Behavioral Dimension

Tiredness/ Heaviness
Itchy, sore eyes
Can hardly voice myself

 

Self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through thoughts, imaginations, backchat and reaction into the physical experience of tiredness/heaviness within which I basically make a statement that everything that I have created to get myself into this situation is just too much and there is no other way to deal with it but to “shut down” my body and mind by experiencing the physical sensations of tiredness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the tiredness/heaviness I experience where I absolutely accept it as real not seeing, realizing and understanding how it was created in the mind and is experienced by the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself from my human physical body so much that I no longer can recognize whether the tiredness I experience is of the mind or my body is needing a rest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am using the experience of tiredness to distract myself from being here, awake, in my reality facing every part of myself in full awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of moments in my reality when and as facing situations of communication/interaction with other beings and where within that I experience tiredness as these moments show me that my mind is basically resisting that which is happening as it knows that here lies the possibility for change

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to upon experiencing tiredness go back in my mind to see how this experience was created and so understand what it is exactly I am resisting/avoiding to face in my reality

I commit myself to when and as I start experiencing tiredness within myself to stop myself, breathe and through looking into my body in self-honesty identify what exactly is happening – is this my body getting tired and needs some rest or it’s just my mind shutting down not willing to face a moment

I commit myself to upon seeing that the tiredness I experience is mind created stop the experience by standing up within myself and stating that I will not accept this from myself and in the moment I do whatever is necessary to break the experience of tiredness and bring myself to wakefulness and stability

I commit myself to realize that I have allowed long enough for my mind to direct my living and that it is time to stand up and claim back the ground as who I am as my physical body without the restriction and abuse of the mind upon me

 

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Day 153: Push the button to stop the mind

 

 

In this blog and blogs to come I will write the patterns I identified in my previous blog in how I approach tasks/assignments in relation to my studies. Within this I will be correcting/removing all the blocks/resistances so I could study effectively and expand myself in my reality.

Here continuing with the backchat dimension:

Backchat

This will take me a long time

There is no way I can learn all this information

I have to do this or I will never finish the school

I don’t have enough time for this

I have to shut down my mind in order to study effectively

 

 

I have to shut down my mind in order to study effectively

This definitely is an obstruction for me in starting the process of learning because this idea exists that I have to shut down the mind first, where within that I should apparently become able to see directly what I am studying with full and complete understanding.

So I am basically implying within this statement that first I have to become like a superman that knows and sees everything. This now reveals my skewed idea of what it means to live without a mind. And I can see that this pattern of desiring to become something more than I am has been a part of me since I was a kid. Influence of movies and cartoons can definitely be traced here.

I mean I am trying to get an idea of what it means to exist without the limitation of the mind yet I cannot in any way see what that actually means and so basically within that I only create various delusional ideas which as a consequence take me away from the simplicity of my physical existence here. Instead of working with what is here in front of me I entertain ideas in the mind furthering myself more and more from just being here. Time to stop ideas and live a real life without trying to figure everything through thinking about it and instead get to know my reality through real physical everyday interaction, observing and participating with beings, creating relationships that are supportive and based on integrity and caring.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this constant desire to be somewhere else instead of stopping the endless search to finally see -I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run run run to nowhere instead of allowing myself to really stop for a moment and adjust my pace into an alignment with what is here as my physical reality which is slow and has the laws according to which things happen and so the understanding of these laws and their practical application is the key to effectiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I would be fucked if I shut down my mind right now as I haven’t learned yet how to live one and equal to everything that is here in the physical thus I stop all delusion in the mind about stopping the mind and return back to earth to learn about how things function over here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am living in hope because within my statement “I have to shut down my mind in order to study effectively” I am saying that until I shut down my mind I cannot study, yet without studying about myself and how my mind functions I will never get to know myself and so will never be able to stop myself as who I am as the mind – so my refusal to study myself shows that I am just ignorantly existing within hope

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if/when I shut down my mind I will become some super human walking on earth, assisting everyone, helping the mankind to transcend the evilness that we have become where again this shows the foolishness of my imaginative mind through which I keep myself entertained with bullshit instead of moving myself in this reality physically, practically

 

So I commit myself to stop existing in hope in my mind and get to earth and follow the rules of the earth where I always consider the practical reality and this I do through reminding myself to remain here in breath where no thoughts/backchats/imaginations influence my living in any way

I commit myself to end the race towards the ideas in my mind realizing the uselessness of chasing the dreams of my mind and thus apply myself daily in writing and investigating my physical reality that in all ways determine my living as the only and real power that exists here

I commit myself to realize that I make the decision in each moment who I am and thus I make the decision to remain here and become effective in my living without needing any imaginative preconditioned ideas to be fulfilled before I can do that

 

Day 137: Self-forgiving the rambling character

This is a continuation from a previous day blog:

Day 136: Talking before walking

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk/share points with other people before I have walked them in the physical reality proving in this to myself that what I am speaking is valid

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in the pattern of talking about my future plans with people around me even when I can clearly see that my words do not match my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a belief that if I speak about my plans to others I will come closer to accomplishing these plans where within that I am attempting to find people that I assume will react to me in a positive way – this basically showing me how I am actually creating a castle in the sky through the law of attraction which in actual reality plays no role because in real physical reality real physical work is required

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do all the work in my mind dimensions instead realizing that I am here in the physical and have to work as a physical being in space and time to get things done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the more I talk about something the more real it becomes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on the positive response from other people when doing something instead of trusting myself and walking the points in silence and self-dedication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a good feeling talking about my future with others where within this I create this energetic high as if I have already achieved my goals and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see how consequential this pattern is where each time when I am faced with reality I have to fall from my mind bubble down onto the ground realizing the reality of the situation and where the usual reaction is “oh it’s not as easy as I have believed it will be”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how unsatisfied I am with my current living application where within that create this talking personality where I am trying to script and live a change

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see myself as I am and accept that unconditionally and move from here by taking simple practical actions to implement the desired change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for playing this charACTer which I have identified long time ago instead if just forgiving myself for this act and living the correction of moving myself for real in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the justification for this character “sharing is caring” where I created the believe that what I am actually doing is being honest and open with people by sharing myself not realizing within this that I am sharing illusions and thus creating a distorted picture of reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am creating various mind dimensions in separation from physical reality where within that I lose the sight of this creation and within that I do not even realize and see how I am actually being influenced by all this

 

 

Day 124: “Fed up” character

 

The “Fed up” character switches on after long hours of allowing participation in the mind where I drift through my past memories over and over in my head – within that I get pissed off with myself and attempt to take control of my mind but it’s apparently stronger than myself and I end up in frustration telling myself that I will never change.

“Fed up” character also is active when there is no hope of getting to some point of self-stimulation, for example some event that I perceive as fun and enjoyable. It’s like there is nothing to live forward to. Here comes the realization that I am actually stuck with myself and who I am is not a nice company to be with – because I am fucking boring, constantly replaying the same memories over and over again where I am “fed up”, which means I am full/fed to the brim and there is no free space for anything new.

So it’s basically to do with memories where I become really sick by going over and over the same memories in my mind. These memories are in control of my participation in this reality, they control my whole life, my world, my future. It is utmost self-limitation – just existing within past memories and building/filtering my whole reality though these memories – so surely I get fed up with myself and of course I am boiling within myself wanting and screaming to get out – yet simply screaming and shouting is of no use, without walking the structured way to break this character nothing will happen.
to be continued…

 

Day 103: “I know I can stop” character – continued

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how each time when I get to the point of seeing myself in more detail where I go into the character of “I know I can stop” I fall back into my mind and thus sabotage my opportunity to actually stop and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this experience of going back into my mind within the believe that there is no harm as I already “know that I can change” where within that I have not considered all the previous experiences where each time after walking back into my mind I was completely lost and experienced a lot of regret

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that creating within myself energetic experience of “I know I can change” I am empowering myself as ego where I believe that I have reached something, became more aware

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that knowing I can change and deliberately not doing it but allowing the temptation of the mind to take over and lead into another energy experience proves that I in no way have reached anything or became more aware but quite the opposite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how this one allowance to fall back into my mind becomes a pattern that I repeat over and over and where eventually it becomes automatic behavior where no opportunity for real change exists and where now I have to really push myself to break this accepted behavior to get to the point of change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the existence of “I’ll just do it this one more time” statement not realizing that it’s never really just this one more time but it’s a trap leading to many more times thus making the process much more difficult

 

 

 

I commit myself to upon reaching the point of seeing myself in detail where the opportunity for change and effective self-application exists push myself forward and not allow any justification to fall back into the comfortability of the mind experience

I commit myself to be acutely aware of the minds temptations within realizing that I as the mind will attempt to distract myself rigorously from any radical change

I commit myself to find the most effective way to push myself towards change where I do not create resistance or fear within realizing that change requires time and within that specific, constant and consistent self-application is the key

I commit myself to learn from my past experiences within which I have seen the cunning nature of the mind when allowing “this one more time” experience and how it turns to be many times where eventually it becomes an accepted norm – thus I commit to give my full attention and focus when getting to this point and apply myself in utmost specificity not allowing any fallback

 

Artwork By Sylvia Gerssen

Day 99: “It’s too complicated” character

Yes, this one shows it’s ugly head usually when I am writing and taking on some point within my reality. Usually before I start writing I try to see the point and understand it, but which actually ends up only with lots of thinking about it – and that’s where the “It’s too complicated” character comes in – obviously as the consequence of over-thinking. I find it difficult to remain on the chosen topic in my writings where I start shifting between various dimensions, seeing different connections and interrelations of the point that I initially started to work with. I can compare this experience with doing a research on Google for example where I sit down to do a research on a specific keyword and after I get the results on my screen I tend to get distracted and often I just Google myself away into various directions, researching different topics completely forgetting about the initial point of investigation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted by my thoughts that come to “assist” me when I am investigating a specific point in my reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run ahead in my thoughts when I am writing about a point where I lose track of where I am actually in my writing which shows that I have separated myself from here into my mind reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the thinking process within the belief that I cannot possible operate without my thoughts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep forgetting the breathing application to assist myself with slowing down to be able to have a choice – to not participate in my complicated thinking processes and just be here in the darkness of my being where all the shit shines clearly for me to see and investigate

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my speedy mind through believing I need it to be able survive within my current lifestyle – which is lots of traveling and meeting many new people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when events/situations in my life move at a rapid pace I am not able to slow myself down and thus within that I manifest a waiting mode within me saying that first I will slow down my external reality and only then I’ll be able to slow down within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my external reality doesn’t move fast in fact but it’s only my perception that it does because I allow myself to participate in my mind where I fill all the gaps of my physical participation with thinking, keeping myself preoccupied with bullshit until some real physical moment brings me back here for a moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself preoccupied within my thoughts where I perceive that being here within breath as awareness of my physical environment to be boring in comparison to what I am able to do in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the absolute stupidity of participating in my thoughts that have nothing to with practical reality where I just act out my imaginary characters where in the meantime the actual real physical world with real physical characters is ignored and abandoned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that physical reality is not complicated when it is viewed from simple common sense practical perspective and that it is only the mind that creates the maze where each is lost in their own worlds unable to find a way home

 

Thus I commit myself to through patience walk my way home towards physical existence out of the maze of my mind and develop the skills on the way to be able to show others who are willing to stop the madness of the mind how to do the same

I commit myself to stop the entertainment as my thinking process and face the actual reality no matter how unpleasant I find it to be within realization that there is no way that fantasies of the mind can ever become life

I commit myself to realize that physical reality does not move fast in fact but that it is my mind that gives the perception of speed as the mind functions in quantum time

I commit myself to stop the character “It’s too complicated” realizing that it is my participation in the mind that makes things complicated and thus I utilize breathing to distance myself from the madness of the mind and consider the simplicity of practical living