This comes from some moments of interaction that I have faced with strangers few days ago while travelling abroad. It is very simple yet it is significant at the same time, and it is missed just too often. And here the word missed is very accurate because it’s truly something that I miss very much.
Here I am talking about the ability to slow myself down when interacting with another human and thus enable myself to connect, to see another, to hear the words, to respond and not just automatically react.
Now the name of the blog says “deciding who I am” and that is because when there is a moment of interaction and if I really slow myself down I have this moment in space and time to respond and where in this response I can decide how I want to express myself, I decide who I will be. An example – I was waiting in line at the airport and suddenly a girl comes from behind, she grabs her head with her hands and asks me if that is the queue for the security checks. In that moment I was very relaxed, I was more HERE in that moment without otherwise usual plethora of thoughts occupying my mind which allowed me to truly look at her, especially that dramatic act of her grabbing her head which looked so funny as she expressed herself. Lol in that moment the response I decided upon was to say nothing and see what she does further with those hands on her head. It was a very short moment and after this short silence she looked up into my eyes and we started laughing where I said then Yes that’s the line. So even though there is absolutely nothing special within this interaction yet it’s very different from the usual reactive/automatic response I would give normally which is like not even taking a moment to see another but where I am existing constantly in my own thoughts and just quickly would react with some preprogrammed words coming out of my mouth, without me being aware of what my response will be, until the moment is gone and where only later I reflect back on what happened.
When living without awareness, spending most of the time only in the mind thinking thinking thinking causes an experience of separation, an alienation, where I become an alien unable to relate to other people. I had enough of that and it’s definitely not a fun place to be, it’s very hard actually, especially when I am travelling a lot and when I am mostly around people I do not know. When I can manage to slow myself down I can see that the other people are not so different actually, even though we might speak different languages, we might have different views and opinions, still there is a part within all of us that is common and thus we can all relate on that level.
So I will keep practicing and nurturing that awareness within myself so that I can connect and relate to my fellow human beings, to thus see behind the surface appearances and get some real understanding of what we are all experiencing inside of ourselves, because I mean it’s no secret that we as society have much turmoil in our minds that’s causing exactly that separations and alienation among each other. Time to stop and see each other and find the ways to support each other to step out of the mind and discover awareness.
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This definitely is an obstruction for me in starting the process of learning because this idea exists that I have to shut down the mind first, where within that I should apparently become able to see directly what I am studying with full and complete understanding.
The “Fed up” character switches on after long hours of allowing participation in the mind where I drift through my past memories over and over in my head – within that I get pissed off with myself and attempt to take control of my mind but it’s apparently stronger than myself and I end up in frustration telling myself that I will never change.
Yes, this one shows it’s ugly head usually when I am writing and taking on some point within my reality. Usually before I start writing I try to see the point and understand it, but which actually ends up only with lots of thinking about it – and that’s where the “It’s too complicated” character comes in – obviously as the consequence of over-thinking. I find it difficult to remain on the chosen topic in my writings where I start shifting between various dimensions, seeing different connections and interrelations of the point that I initially started to work with. I can compare this experience with doing a research on Google for example where I sit down to do a research on a specific keyword and after I get the results on my screen I tend to get distracted and often I just Google myself away into various directions, researching different topics completely forgetting about the initial point of investigation.
In times when I would get very sick I would always realize my powerlessness as who I am as the mind where I would lie in my bed completely at the mercy of my body within hope that whatever is happening to me will sort itself out. It was always a good opportunity to really look back and see where I have created the disease through my thoughts, words and deeds. It was always very humbling experience where I would realize who is really in control here – it wasn’t me as the mind, it was my body that was fighting the disease and all I could do is to stop all the bullshit in my mind and allow my body to do its job.
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