At some point in life, through listening to my favorite motivational speakers, I have started practicing the understanding of the importance of living that which I said/promised to myself. The main saying that I adopted and kept repeating to myself was “My word is my law”.
This was a cool exercise and in that I was designing various, at times even ridiculous, tasks that I committed to do, just to show my mind that when I decide something, no matter what it is, I will follow through. So sometimes I would get up very early in the morning and walk outside near the forest where I would find a bunch of stones and I would get like ten stones and carry them from one place to the other and then back, one by one, ceremoniously and I would do that each morning in each type of weather. This was a cool exercise and I could definitely see that I was becoming more comfortable with moving out of my comfort zones – yet what I did not really take into consideration is the importance of consistency, which I could probably also name an absolute dedication. Of course I am not saying that I must keep moving the stones for the rest of my life, what I mean is the constant and consistent pushing of self to do that which I set as my goals/tasks/responsibilities. There is always something to do, something to learn/investigate/share/change in my word and reality – there is not a single person in this world that could say “it’s done, I am done” because the reality is obviously showing a different picture where many many many parts of our existence need attention. So there is plenty to do.
So what happened in time with my living commitment to live the statement “my word is my law” is that slowly but surely the mind activities would take the priority – like doing things that I felt better about, that were more pleasurable, easier. In other words I relaxed into my mind where my life was moving by itself so to speak, where like a train I was moving in my predesigned tracks with no effort on my part. I was still holding some memories of my past attempts to seriously challenge my comfort zones, but there was no longer the necessary self-will to actually push myself to go for it again. I would say to myself that I will but I just kept finding good sounding excuses to remain idle. Through time my words became more and more worthless where my promises that I made to myself where less and less of a certainty to ever manifest, where only partially I would follow something until I would be drawn away by my resistances.
So here I am writing about this because the whole process of writing comes down to that point – Am I going to live that which I write or are the words just empty shells placed on paper to create the illusion of self-movement? I find it a bit uncomfortable to talk about it because so many times I have made that decision within myself to really move myself this time and yet it was never really lived consistently. So I can see that the past is like a ghost haunting me trying to define my present and my future, yet the realization must be live that I am still here, standing in awareness of this all and I am the one who can change the direction and live the new way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the past and all the times I have failed and fallen within my commitments
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose all trust in myself where the words I speak no longer have that real substance, the certainty/confidence within them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate and correct that point of making choices/decisions and the actual living of them where it was so easy to make the decision and be enthusiastic about it until the point of actual living comes where in this there is no more “fuel” to push myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move in my reality mostly on some form of energy, seeking constant stimulation within each move I that make
When and as I find myself within situations of making choices/decision I stop and breathe where in this I realize and take into consideration the reality of my choice/decision where I look into and assess the real/actual steps that will have to be REALLY taken
Thus I commit to start making my choices and commitment with much more caution and in this utilize the tool of making notes on a notebook to ensure I keep awareness and actual fulfillment of my commitments
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create “I give up character” as a safety valve that “protects” me from facing any type of conflict within my reality
As a child I was never really introduced to this word because my actions naturally were pretty much aligned with what was required of me to be done so in that sense I was never told that I have any responsibilities. My first encounter with responsibility was when I managed, through much effort, to convince my mother to get me a dog where I promised her that he will be purely my responsibility and there will be no burden on anyone else. After my first day of having a dog I realized what a grave mistake I have made and luckily for me I could give him away to my grandmother’s house and that’s what I did the same or maybe the next day. So that was a negative experience within which I perceived that by being responsible for someone else, especially such a dependent being, I am losing completely my freedom and there was this fear that I will no longer be able to do the things that I like. It was a burden for me. Since then I avoided situations like that and basically enjoyed my freedom until much later were I was growing older and coming to the point where I had to go out into the system and take care for myself where again I had a big resistance because of the perception that I am losing my freedom to simply be and enjoy myself. Yet I could see that I was becoming a burden to my mother by not taking responsibility for myself. When I finally moved myself to get out and find myself a job I started noticing that taking responsibility is imperative for being successful within the world system and it became a point I desired because without responsibility I was a mere follower of those who took upon themselves more responsibility. Thus I perceived not having/living responsibility to be a loss of freedom where I am not in control of my experiences. So basically my view of the word has reversed from where I saw that having responsibility was impediment to my freedom to the realization that not having responsibility was a real hindrance to be free. Still I had lots of resistance to become responsible as per my definition of committing myself to become something within this world system where within that I could never perceive myself being committed and bound to some specific area where I believed I have to give myself away and climb the damned ladder of success. So basically the word responsibility was always negatively charged throughout my life experience.
Arvydas' Journey to Life 