Day 305: Realizing and Living my Utmost Potential

Here I am sharing my process of aligning myself to what I see most crucial principles of life. In this blog I continue with the following principle where I will show my understanding and living application of it:

Realizing and Living my Utmost Potential

 

It has been a painful process, perhaps somewhat unnecessarily so, mostly because of this tendency to hold myself back when nothing really is holding me back – it’s usually some petty desires and irrational fears that are used as an excuse. Yes, I am wasting time.

Still, the point of realizing and living the utmost potential is constantly within my awareness. Here thus the challenge comes now, considering and including the above paragraph of holding myself back or basically considering my actual reality of who I really am at the moment, to find the most practical ways to create and live the real change.

In this time is a teacher because as the time goes by and there is no real change happening – obviously there is a misalignment somewhere, I am missing the point. And this point of self-acceptance is one of the biggest cookies to swallow. Seeing, understanding and not judging that which I uncover and expose of myself is a tough process. I mean the extent of accepted self-limitation is extreme and it is difficult and very humbling to admit to self that this is what I have become. We like to see and believe ourselves to be a bit better, more benevolent beings – we try to get validation to confirm these believes and yes, we manage and we confirm but within this confirmation we fool ourselves and we do not see ourselves for who we really are and that is why the change becomes so challenging because when we try to change there is a discrepancy, our self-allocation point does not match the reality. I mean it’s like creating all the practical steps of how to get from point A to point B when the point A is not really where we think it is, we are just not self-honest enough to admit that point A is a bit more fucked up.

So this was probably the biggest obstacle within this process of realizing and living the utmost potential. Self-honesty is thus the key to admit the actual point of the location of self. This then allows me to create practical and more effective steps to move on, no matter how small or insignificant that seems initially, the realization is that even the tiniest points of self-discipline accumulate and eventually produce some results. From here the growth happens.

The next step from here I find it supportive to utilize practical projection of how my potential could be lived in my reality. Now that I have my self-allocation point in alignment with what is real I can create more realistic projections of who I want to become, basically seeing the changes I have to walk and how to do that and how it would look like in specific situations. There is still a tendency of holding back, not committing fully to what I see I have to do – but here again I see what are the words I can implement and live to walk through these issues that arise – like for example the word patience within the understanding that as I start acting with self-discipline in small moments it will take time for self-trust to accumulate and grow into real courage to take something bigger.

In the end perhaps the biggest realization for me was the importance of small moments, apparently insignificant yet so powerful when they are done consistently over time. And so it is with the utmost potential which can be born and becomes visible from the accumulation of tiny moments as they are lived fully to the utmost. It is actually in the tiny moments that the utmost potential is hidden, it is in one breath.

 

Self-honesty

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Day 304: Judging through Opinions

My Post

This point was in front of me for a long time without me being able to truly understand and define it. It is about judging others with having the perception/belief that this judgment, which is based on the opinion, is something that is good, and when expressed it is an act of kindness that I am doing towards another. The key word in all of this is OPINION.

The fallacy in all of this was the true belief that I know better or know at all, without realizing that I was no different to Hitler imposing his opinion, his perception of reality on everyone else. The intent might be well meaning but the effects can be devastating.

I did not even realize that I was doing it until I was facing another individual who was expressing the same construct to a very high degree towards others in his reality. It was all done under the disguise of doing good and being of support to others, teaching them how to live “correctly”. It is then that I asked myself if this is something that I am also doing. Yes, absolutely, it all started to dawn on me as I was looking back at all the signs showing and revealing the truth of me.

First I am very grateful to my partner who has pointed out to me (many many times) one of the symptoms/components that was constituting this design, we can call it a JUDGE character, that I was living out. This symptom was my frequent tendency to be extremely definitive when dealing with various things in daily life. Perhaps the best statement to define my mind state would be: “I know, I have done it, it’s the BEST way to do it”, my partner however would not accept this easily and push for factual evidence of this statement which most of the time was proven completely wrong. After many such instances I started to admit to myself what I am doing and realizing that it’s not the way I want to live and as a solution I committed myself to start actually listening to others, considering and being open to other options and in general just admitting to myself that – I don’t know – is the answer I should be using more often just because that’s the truth.

I mean the tendency is to think that we know what is right and what is wrong and we feel very justified comparing others to how we live, who we are. At this point I ask myself and I question my actual level of awareness – am I aware of my own thoughts, each one and where they come from? Am I aware of my body as all the pains, discomforts I have and the movements I make and furthermore what is the source of that in all dimensions? The answer is No and then to claim that I can see and judge another in any way is an act of extreme ignorance.

So, again, when I am facing/approaching new moments I remind myself that the best I can do is to truly listen to others, ask questions and get as much factual information as possible, to try and really get in their shoes and understand where they are coming from. It’s only from here that I can begin to have glimpses into another’s life and be of any assistance when and if required.

 

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Day 303: Developing Self-Trust and Self-Will by Removing the Choice

Choiceless-awareness

For a very long time I have had this idea, the understanding that I am not really moving and changing myself mostly due to the fact that I have a Choice not to. Those of us who live in the developed world, we who have our basic needs met and some extra to spare – we can afford to have a Choice.

Many times I stood at a crossroad: on the one had I have a choice to do something that I truly know will benefit me, yet that action/activity is not really fun and requires effort/discipline and then on the other hand I have a choice to indulge myself into something that I like, usually an addiction/action that gives me the instant energetic gratifying feeling.

Most people, including myself, have learned to control their addictions – basically to ensure that the choice remains. I mean if you really let yourself go and become total addict most likely you will lose everything and at some point the choices become very limited – most likely it’s the infinite downward spiral from where recovery can only come with heroic effort. So it’s best to keep it in control – putting minimal amount of effort just to keep yourself afloat. That stability, however, is rather difficult to maintain as we tend to overdo on the addictions – and after the fall we wallow in all the emotions, extensive self-judgments, depression, then we also tell ourselves that it’s no big deal and that all will change from now on. I think we all know the drill and how it goes -nothing ever changes.

The solution

As a possible solution to this problem I used to always ask myself – How the hell do I make myself realize that I do not have the choice? Or how do I remove from myself the choice to self-sabotage? Or basically how do I develop the necessary self-will to make the right choice?

First thing that appears to be the key in this process is the idea of “free choice” and the understanding that it’s not really free and that all the choices have consequences. If we look at most addictive activities in this reality they appear really cheap or even free – i.e. addiction to social media browsing is just one click away, alcohol in many places is cheaper than a bottle of water, most pornography sites are free and all we need is just a dark corner to hide, meeting a friend over coffee to gossip about other friends usually involves just a cup of coffee and maybe a glass of wine to add some extra tone to the conversation and the list goes on. So observing and understanding the full extent of consequences of every choice should be included in the “cost” of any given choice. They might not be obvious at a first glance but with a bit of self-honesty we can see how the choices we make have ripple effects spreading over time and space. So this understanding and seeing the whole picture of any choice already brings me one step closer to removing some choices that I know have very high costs involved. Also a good practice is to try and project yourself into the future considering the choices you make and accumulative effect of those choices – so basically it’s a calculation according to the input and seeing what is the possible output in the long term.

The second key that works for me is the commitment of some actions that I know I can stick to and have that as my base line. For example, about 7 months ago I started the challenge of doing 100 push ups every day no matter what. I noticed that this challenge and the commitment to do this emerged naturally within me – at the right moment and at the right time. Firstly, it was because my body was lacking in vigor and strength due to prolonged lack of physical exercise. Secondly, for me physical exercise is something I am familiar with, I had extensive physical training in the past and thus I knew that this challenge is something that I am comfortable with and can quite easily stick to it. So this commitment was already a good exercise in learning how to remove choice from my life. I took this challenge telling myself that I will do it for at least a year and that’s it, no excuses allowed – case closed so to speak. And as I do my push ups on a daily basis I also consider and ponder on this very act of pushing myself up and in this I look where else can I apply some pushing to grow and better myself in my reality.

So having even this one point of commitment was extremely supportive and kept me many times above the water so to speak even in the darker times. It’s like there is slowly but surely some self-trust emerging and the knowing that if I commit myself to something I have the ability to stick to it. After doing this for a while very naturally the next point of commitment emerged, it really felt like I am ready and willing to grow and expand further. This next challenge which I started and which I truly consider to be very important and extremely beneficial – is writing. This commitment came as I was watching a known educator John Taylor Gatto telling a story about Harvard students who were asked to write 1000 words each and every day on any topic. As they were doing their writings they believed that this will be used to assess and determine their future so they have put a lot of effort into it – they did it for years until it was discovered that all the papers are collected and burned as the box would get full. After this became know the practice was stopped – but the benefit for those who participated was deep and lasting, they developed extreme proficiency in writing and expressing themselves and that is definitely a skill worth having in today’s world. So 1000 words a day as a challenge seemed a bit much for the beginning but as I started sharing myself with myself in writing I saw that this is exactly what I needed. Sharing for me is a keyword and definitely a topic for another blog. In any case 1000 words is another non debatable practice I started and due to it not being a choice but something I have committed to do I almost do not experience resistance or very little because I understand that resistance to do something that I have to do in any case will only make it harder. So why resist the inevitable.

As I was sharing this practice with a friend of mine he immediately suggested another point I could take on – to play music he said. Ok… so that was a bit unexpected and yet immediately I recognized the significance of taking such a challenge which is completely outside my area of familiarity. What I mean is that I am in a way stuck and repeat only the things that I am comfortable and familiar with, so doing something so different is bound to break some comfort zones and cause a welcome expansion. Cool…challenge accepted, and because I have my girlfriend’s guitar at home I started my challenge the same day, half an hour a day practicing playing guitar.

So it appears that not having a choice is not such a bad thing after all. When the choice exists then the mind will always find the best sounding excuses to move towards self-gratifying activities for which the cost, at the end of the day, is great and requires extra effort to stand up, just to return to the same choice again, however, now with even greater resistance as the pattern of choosing self-sabotage is more crystallized.

Still it’s never too late to begin, even after we have been making bad choices for a long time, we can still forgive ourselves and start the process no matter how slowly or small. What I found very supportive is the suggestion that was made in one of the EQAFE interview and that is to forgive ourselves for the very act of deliberately deceiving ourselves. I mean at some point we cannot claim the innocence anymore because we keep repeating same patterns that we know very well are abusive and destructive not only to ourselves but everyone around us. That is the point where we are deliberate in our actions. I saw within myself this subtle underlying belief/idea that at this point I am beyond forgiveness and because of this i kept spinning within the same cycles. It was a layer I was not able to see but when it was pointed out I immediately saw and used the opportunity to give myself another chance and forgive myself for the very act of continuously and deliberately deceiving myself. Also with this came a realization that I have to take my process very seriously from now on, because there are only so many chances and opportunities and at some point all doors are bound to close for good.

BEST TOOLS FOR SELF SUPPORT
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Day 302: Direction

In my previous blog I touched on the point of judgment which I was able to identify first of all through seeing that in others and later realizing how much of it I have stored within myself.

So now I started looking at how I have gotten myself in this position, where it is coming from and also what solutions can be applied. It seems like I am existing in a big mix of subtle emotional experiences that prevent any real movement. There is a lot of resistance to even start the process of understanding what is truly happening and confusion in figuring out where to begin. In this way the whole time I spend trying to maintain some form of stability which in the end is simply accumulating into inevitable repetition of the same old patterns I have been living in the past. Surely this makes sense because if I am not the directive principle of my life then I give all the responsibility to my automated mind systems to create the same stuff that’s always been created in the past. In this way of course I am heading for yet another cycle and I definitely see this progression where even in my relationship with my new partner I can already see old patterns emerging which I have promised to myself I will never repeat.

The emotional experience that comes within all this is anxiety. Even though it is very subtle it is still there and in a way it is like an indication that I do not have the necessary self-trust to get through these old patterns and really change. And that is understandable because I have in a way betrayed myself many times when I promised to myself and committed to do something and yet I failed by not pushing myself enough. So this anxiety is like a knowing that I am going to repeat myself and make the same mistakes once more. I do know, like probably most of us, where this path leads and how painful the consequences can be if I do not stand by my decisions to change the direction I am going.

I had an interesting dream when I started looking at this point of direction where in this dream I found myself in a familiar place, it was a big crossroad. I knew that I have been here many times before and I had a memory of how this road looked before whereas now it was rather different, a little bit more complex with more roads connected to it and also a different setup. When standing there, or rather during the moment of reaching this crossroad I had a few moments to decide upon the direction to take and I chose the road on the left side which I joyfully recognized as the road I have been always taking. Also interesting to note that in the back there was a presence of my mother which for me is associated with such words as safety, support, and familiar. Further in the dream I remember experiencing this anxiety I was talking about and I have also seen how this anxiety creates the experience of rushing in my reality because I create another set of believes like “the times is running out”. This again is not of any assistance in my process because I start thinking about all the things I have to do, become overwhelmed by all that and end up doing nothing – which is exactly this old road I have travelled down so many times before. I know where it ends and that’s not where I want to be.

Crossroads-600x355

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself with all the thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of slowing down and realizing that I cannot solve everything at once and that I have to start with a single point, the tip of the iceberg and slowly work my way towards deeper understanding and self-discovery

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anxiety when and as I see myself moving in a direction where I know that I am most likely going to repeat the same old patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of rushing when and as I start experiencing anxiety wherein I create the idea that I am late, I need to move faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how within this experience of rushing I am trying to move as fast as possible and in this I lose all touch with myself and become totally overwhelmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, understand and realize the simplicity of the process as the consistency of daily self-application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the enjoyment and the excitement of self-discovery where instead I have convinced myself that self-investigation is hard work

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dreams within the belief that I am not able to change them instead of realizing the supportive nature of dreams to show the consequences of my accepted patterns if I choose to continue living them

 

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself creating an emotion of overwhelmingness to stop, take a breath and realize that all I have to be concerned about is working with one point at a time and as long as I am consistent in my daily application

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in anxiety about repeating old patterns, stop myself, breathe and realize that my anxiety is a consequence of many failures and thus it will take time to rebuild trust in myself by proving to myself that I can stand by my decisions and also to make sure I do not make the mistake of trying to live up to big decisions but begin with small seemingly insignificant moments within understanding that the big things consist of many small ones

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the experience of rushing within the thoughts that I am late, I need to move faster, stop myself, breathe and realize that through this experience I am not really seeing where and how I am moving and I am much more likely to move into my old patterns of behaviour where I lose touch with myself, my body and thus I slow down and focus myself on specific points that I decide to work on

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the resistance to write and apply myself by having the idea that this is hard and difficult stop myself, breathe and remind myself that when I am moving slowly and when I am focused I am actually finding out a lot about myself and even though it’s not always pleasant it is actually refreshing and enjoyable

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself fearing my dreams, stop myself and realize that dreams are here to support me and in many cases are cool warning signs of what will happen if I do not change and that I am actually able to change what I have seen towards a different direction through self-directive self-application

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LINKS FOR SELF-SUPPORT:

Day 301: Back to Self-Acceptance

It’s been a while since my last blog because I cleverly managed to convince myself that it’s ok to take some time off from writing and focus on other stuff. That other stuff was “preparing for tomorrow” but it never came so I finally realize that today is the day that I have to get back to this awesome habit of writing, expressing and sharing myself. I can see now the consequence of not doing this – i spend way more time in the mind trying to think what to write instead of simply sharing me as i am.

When i look why this big hesitation to share myself i see that – well the thing is i don‘t really like myself and only recently i saw a glimpse of how much judgment i have suppressed within me, towards me and towards others. This i came to realize by waking up to the fact that judgment became the primary point i was seeing in others and also became quite reactive to it (red flag). I remember the words of Bernard Poolman: “you become that which you see in others“. So yes i found that I was hiding from myself in plain sight while actually knowing this whole time the reality of me but just not really wanting to admit it and still holding onto the belief that tomorrow I will find a solution.

So, again, there is no tomorrow, and I made an agreement with myself to start one step at a time, however small it is.

self-expression-paulo-zerbato

LINKS FOR SELF_SUPPORT:

Day 300: Living the Word CARE

Care_MONOI was focused on this Word for some time now and it took me a while to start understanding how to start incorporating it into my own living. I was observing people in my immediate environment to see how they live this word and surely I found some good examples of moments when the word care was lived. From what I observed such moments are mostly expressed within the parent and child relationship, but not always of course, as we know that parenting is not an easy thing and there are many challenging moments in this relationship. Still I have seen so many moments where parents go out of their way to care/tend for their children. Especially when the child is still a baby and needs all the attention all the time. I once was asked to tend to a small baby for a few hours and that was more than enough for me showing again that being a mother is a tremendous job and probably the best school to learn what it means to care for another. In that relationship your personal wants and needs come last after making sure that the baby is fully taken care of. This takes away a lot of what we call “freedom” to do the things to which one was used to throughout their life and that requires a big change and adjustment.

So these where the best examples of what it means to care about and for others, yet I needed something more practical for myself because I wanted to apply this word in my own world with the people I meet on daily basis. I found soon that one important thing to do was to learn to really listen. This is not as easy as it sounds because the mind chatter, the constant self-absorption in my own thoughts was prominent and required a process of learning to slow down within myself which I am still busy with by constantly reminding myself throughout the day to do that. I even asked a few of my friends to assist me by reminding me and use the words “slow down” whenever they see I am getting into a rushing mind state. That works pretty well and we have a frequent laugh about it.

So this brings me one step closer to being able to live the word care and I could definitely notice the difference in my interactions which became much more enjoyable. I became much less judgmental towards people because I could hear and see them better, I started getting small glimpses into who they are and where they come from and essentially why they are the way they are. And I mean people also respond better when a guy next to them is not lost somewhere in his own mind thinking but is able to participate in the conversation with some sense.

Another interesting point I have seen during this time is how CARE must be practiced and applied with awareness in various situations because there are certain moments to which we are so used of doing them in a certain way that we don’t even consider placing/incorporating CARE into them. Let me give an example: I went with a group of friends to play some basketball and as per usual we got ourselves into different teams and began this competitive game. Most of the guys that played there I have never met before and it’s also been a while since I last played which made me put some extra effort into the game. I noticed that the friend I came with was not a good player which made me feel good knowing that I am not the worst player there. Once the game started my friend struggled a lot with his play because, as we have found later, he judged himself to the extreme for being unable to participate with others equally and where in the end he has hurt his finger pretty badly with a ball which, as we realized later as well, was his own creation in order to, by any means, escape this uncomfortable experience. Now you see how many times I have used the word later because during the game I was not consciously aware of any of this and only by looking back I was able to see my absolute self-absorption into my own performance disregarding everything and everyone else. I means it was a competitive game and thus it seems there is no place for CARE in it. This was a good lesson and I am glad that my friend managed to open this point of intense anger and self-judgment towards himself in relation to the game, which I presume assisted his body to deal more effectively with the trauma that he experienced. Still prevention is of course much better way to go and could have been achieved if the word CARE was incorporated into those competitive games as a principle from the very beginning.

So it’s definitely a process to take a word and learn to live it in a variety of situations and also on all LEVELS, because if we take the word CARE it’s much easier to live it towards our loved ones whom we know more intimately, yet when it comes to those far away we are no longer able to relate or connect in any way, yet all our actions and decisions on individual and collective level ripples around the globe and creates the reality that we know. It’s rather obvious that our creation needs some adjustment so let’s do it word by word to make a better world.

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Day 299: New Job and the Discovery of Stress

thI have started a new job recently and in this position I’ve had moments that were rather intense. Throughout my life I have pretty much avoided any responsibility and all the jobs I had in the past were essentially an easy ride for me. I did observe the people who would get stressed in their jobs and I could not relate or understand how you get to such a point.

In this new job, however, my understanding expanded and I have had the moments where it seemed like I was on the edge of breaking down because of the workload and the pressure to get things done. Despite these moments being tough I found that they are also an opportunity to expand and break the limitations I had about what is possible. Essentially what I have learned is that when those intense moments come there is no time for thinking, no time for distraction and all the focus and attentions must be absolutely here on the task. I was satisfied with myself after being able to manage these moments and each time when the same moments with same intensity came I was able to find my stability more quickly and be more effective.

So I am glad that I am finally learning what it means to focus myself on something so completely and where you get things done for real. It took me a long time to get to this point because I resisted change a lot, I was always fearing and anticipating the worst, holding also the belief that I require more and more preparation to start something without realizing that there is only so much you can prepare and that without real application of the knowledge there is no improvement possible.

In this little journey I found that there are many factors which determine how we will handle stress and most are within our ability to direct and perfect ourselves within yet what I also found is that the system is sometimes too demanding thus pushing individuals too hard without considering their needs and abilities.

I have seen people being constantly under stress and where that stress is accumulating from day to day leading to undesirable consequences. In this blog I would like to note one important factor I have noticed which revels quite accurately that there are problems. And that is SLEEP patterns. This seems to be a prevalent problem in our current work environment. I have spoken to many people and it is obvious that it’s a big issue which is not addressed and given the significance it deserves. When I started working in my new position I have worked very long hours but at the same time I noticed that I also required longer sleeping hours to “digest” all the new information so to speak and it worked very well where the next day I would wake up with a clear mind ready to take the new challenges of the day. When this cycle is disturbed the challenges become burdens which accumulate and may lead to mental and physical exhaustion. Here are some very supportive blogs on this subject for anyone having sleep issues:

Oh! Good night’s rest, Good night’s rest…wherefore art thou Good night’s rest

Sleeping: Trying to fight a losing battle

To Sleep or Not to Sleep – the Dilemma with Tiredness

When I want to Sleep my problems away – yet my problems keep me Awake…

It’s unfortunate that the system we live in sometimes places unreasonable demands by forcing us, through the fear of survival, to keep working and producing results without considering simple, common sense needs of the individuals. So by doing the best we can in our individual lives we also have to pay attention and seek bigger solutions that would challenge the current system to change it into one that considers real physical needs of all humans as well as animals and plants. I support the movement of “Living Income Guaranteed” which addresses these issues by providing practical solutions to our sleepless nights.

More on Stress:

Is it Possible For Stress to be Constructive?