Giving up Hope

This a continuation from my previous blog on “Giving up

I sit down to write a blog or work on some other task that I decided I will do because I see it’s something that I will truly benefit from. I might manage some progress but very early on I start to overwhelm myself with the apparent vastness and complexity of the task. I begin to hesitate, I seek and indulge in any distraction I can find, and in this way slowly but surely I start to put things on hold. On my next attempt I repeat the same pattern and eventually this becomes an automated experience where in the end things simply have come to what seems a permanent hold.

One of the main points I seem to be missing is to just do it, here and now, no matter how small or insignificant is the step, but just take it. Yet the wall in front of me seems just too high and the only thing I can do at this stage is to try and figure it out in my mind, to try to understand why nothing is working, why I am not getting any motivation and why the hell I am still waiting?

This is where I found hope to be a big part of the problem. I saw that no matter how disempowered I felt there was always this glimmer of hope still remaining. Initially I thought that this is a good thing, that this hope is something that still keeps me alive, but upon closer inspection within myself I discovered that this hope is rather a malignant manifestation, or in other words something that keeps me in that state of disempowerment because if I realized that this hope is false then I would probably do something about my situation. Now why do I say this hope is false? I found that it mostly comes from and is connected with specific memories which are based on the principle of a casino. Meaning that 99 percent of the time you lose and there is this 1 percent where you win. So for example it would be a memory where at some point in life we get that high/motivating moment in the form of, for example, a very cool realization which uplifts one to some new dimensions and in this we see what is possible, the potential that is here, where we are highly motivated and we do things and everything just seems to fall in the place. It can be of course some other similar lovely event but the belief behind it is the same – It’s possible, I just have to wait, it’s there somewhere, it has happened before so it will happen again – HOPEfully.

In this I have always failed to understand that these uplifting moments were “random” events that were fueled/generated energetically and they were never meant to last or produce any substantial difference. It’s again to not judge them and if used practically in common sense these moments can actually be used as points of self-direction, where we see the potential and what is possible. But in this also realizing that it’s just THAT – a pointer – and in order to actually, truly manifest real lasting change real physical, practical, consistent actions will be required. It’s exactly the same as using drugs where during the experience we might become aware that there is something more, the way we see things, the way we experience ourselves as being more free and expansive and whatever other words can be used to describe your highness 🙂 but in this realizing it’s not real in fact, and that there is no magic pill in the world that will move me. I have to move myself.

Many are very aware of this and yet the first step just seems too difficult to take. There is usually deep uncertainty in what direction to move, and a blank gaze when it comes to making any decision. Hopelessness and apathy start to develop.

Next what appears to happen most frequently is that life itself steps in to assist. Usually in some form of physical or psychological disturbance. And at this point we are all rather unique in how much pain and struggle we can take before we start changing. How many warning signs have to go off before action is initiated? Personally I had to get to a point of being hardly able to walk due to lower back pain. This was then enough to become so angry as to say till here and no further. Also in my life I have made a choice to try and stay away from any strong conventional medications so that I could experience some of that pain that my body is going through and eventually use it for change. Of course I always had Homeopathy by my side which supported me enormously throughout the years, but despite that it was always clear that without a self-willed decision nothing can truly help me.

Another important thing I realized, but at which I was very bad, was asking for help. I always kept things to myself and felt too ashamed and too self-judgmental for the things I was allowing. And yet is so important to reach for help when nothing else is working. I mean I am lucky that I haven’t manifested any serious condition and that I did start to address some of the warning lights on time, but now as I work with people through homeopathy I see so many having ignored all the signs and now are having to deal with rather serious consequences, whereas, if they had come when the symptoms just started so much struggle and pain could have been avoided. Now it’s a little bit more effort will be required.

It’s always better to work on prevention rather than consequence management. That’s why parenting is the most important job in the world. If that was done correctly we wouldn’t have to deal with any of this bullshit, excuse me for my animal language 🙂 Have a good day!


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Giving Up

It’s been probably few months now since I have made the decision to pick up on writing after approximately 4 year gap, ever since I have managed to convince myself that writing is not that important. And I did that despite mostly enjoying the process of writing, enjoying that intimate time with myself where I would explore and discover new things about me, truly learn stuff and really expanding in so many ways. So now I ask myself how the hell I managed to perform such a cunning trick on myself and also how to get back?

Looking at where and how I started slacking I see many small decisions over time, I see very convincing excuses and justifications, little voices in the head slowly but surely veering me into other directions. And I am sure there could be valid reasons why one would do that, but in my case, I really had all the time in the world to continue supporting myself with this invaluable tool.

Now what is also interesting is that I wasn’t really aware of the extent to which I have allowed this experience of giving up to take over. I mean the desire and the thought to start writing was always there, many times I would make attempts to start a blog but these attempts were compromised where instead of pushing myself to do it I would convince myself to give myself a bit more time and instead follow some form of distraction. In time, through repeated decision and the experience of giving up it became almost automated where eventually I wasn’t even bothering to try, knowing that the resistance I will be facing is just too much to handle.

The awareness of the depth of this issue became apparent to me only recently when I brought myself to the point of being able to finally make the decision to write a blog, to actually physically practically write the damn thing, no matter how good or bad but just get it done. Sitting on this point until it’s done was when I started seeing the “walls”, seeing how much resistance I have created over time, and how much effort was required to start breaking this imaginary veil. The thoughts were relentless: “it’s too much”, “it’s too overwhelming”, “you can’t handle this”, “the more you go in the more it’s going to get”, “you will never going to get through this”, “oh you are missing so many points” and then on top of that the physical resistance such as the overwhelming tiredness, heaviness in the neck and shoulder areas, restlessness and just the desire to escape from this uncomfortable situation. During the process of writing I did not have yet specific awareness or understanding of what is happening and why, it was pure struggle almost throughout, but at the same time it felt good that I am finally doing this.

It was actually the following day when I felt completely off, experiencing a form of depression with strong unwillingness to do anything that I endevoured to understand what is hiding behind all that. As per usual when facing any point one of the greatest means of support for me is my physical body where I take note of any and every pain sensation, or discomfort experienced in the body and from there utilizing my notes, that I have accumulated over the years from various Desteni chats and interviews as well as years of studying homeopathy, to try and find some indications/pointers leading to a better understanding of what am I facing. This is how I found that the real culprit in this case is the “Giving up” personality. For me this type of detective work is actually the most rewarding and gives a sense of real movement and purpose. That is probably one of the main reasons I started working in the field of homeopathy so I could do this detective work as much as possible. Yet I am sure this is the experience of most people, perhaps it could be compared to solving the puzzles and how nice it is to find the missing piece and get a more clear picture.

Now in terms of the practical application on how to start dealing with such a personality design I found the interviews on Eqafe very supportive. These interviews have proven to be invaluable support in times like that. It explained the whole system in detail, and what was most important to me was the understanding the depth of this system, meaning that it penetrates both mental and physical dimensions and that is what makes the experience so challenging. In other words there is an emotional reaction as well as a physical possession that happens.

The solution thus must be equal to the problem, we have to now physically practically bulldoze our way through any resistance, through any and all cleverly sounding excuses and justifications and also physical discomforts, no matter what. And doing it within the understanding that what we are dealing here is the consequence created over a long time, and it will take a bit of struggle, as it should, to move through that.

In all of this I found the words – determination and perseverance – to be the most useful. The living and the application of these words I first did in smaller/easier things, like for me the commitments to do physical exercise came rather easy due to my childhood years, thus I first utilized that to build and strengthen my determination and perseverance and thus in this way grow and build the confidence and eventually be ready to tackle the issues that are more challenging.

One thing became very clear over the years – the mind is very patient. It chips away the pieces of us very slowly and often we do not even notice it. Perhaps only much later, years later, when there is almost nothing left of us, we might notice that something went terribly wrong, the life has been mostly wasted. At this point, hopefully, it’s not yet too late. Now it’s our turn to be patient and start from the basics, rebuilding all that was lost and then going further than ever before.

The Dullness

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For me one of the most annoying and hardest are parts in the process where things go to a state of being kind of normal, where in a way nothing reaches my “heart” anymore, feels like everything is experienced only on an intellectual level, very superficial. It’s like a form of dullness that I go into, a form of resistance to go into the mind, to take it apart and understand it. The feeling is that I have compromised myself somewhere somehow but I cannot see for sure and that is where the annoyance comes from not being able to pinpoint or understand exactly how I got here, and also how to break this veil. In other words there is no self-honesty to see what the heck is going on.

As I write this the first thing that emerged was something I have seen in the presentation I went to a day before which was on the topic of stress. The message in a nutshell was that stress is a normal part of the “game”. Later when the presenter was asked to give another name for “game” he said it is “life” itself. So based on that in the game of life we need stress to be able to play the game good, or in other words we need energy to drive us, to be driven. Now when I look at this “requirement” of stress to “live/to play the game of life” it is in opposition to this experience I am in – the dullness, which by definition is ‘lack of interest or excitement’ which basically means I am not energizing myself to be able to play ‘the game’.

Now the point that is never talked about or challenged in any way is that this “interest and excitement” that we generate within ourselves in the form of stress is actually self-interest where the main idea/starting point behind it is “what’s in it for me?” where this Me is me as the mind, as the energy based entity interested only in generating more energy in the form of experiences. Now when this point of self-interest is challenged there is a big disconnect because within ourselves we have already defined life as being energy, the whole process of producing/generating/experiencing energy. Without that who am I?

Seeing this side of self-interest when existing and participating in this world of “players” is my greatest resistance and fear. I can see that all or most of the ‘movements’ that I initiate are somehow tainted with self-interest, never a genuine care for others or this reality or it’s like very rare. This has caused me to create a “protection personality” where I kind of step away to the side and make myself invisible and only play the game when it’s absolutely necessary to get something I need or want. In the end it’s like a constant state of balancing between being dull and trying to move and create something. So the whole challenge here lies within changing the starting point from the core of myself, to transform the self-interest, to transform self essentially from being that separate energetic entity to a living being that lives and moves based on the principle of what is best for all. Then living self-interest and ‘playing the game’ is living and playing in the interest of all.

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

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eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Tired of Fighting

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For some days now I have been existing in an experience which I could never fully understand. I only know that it’s an experience I had many times before but the understanding of what it is exactly, where it’s coming from or how to deal with it was always escaping me. It did seem like it is something that I simply have to push through, persevere within, however in the end it appears that I have always been falling back at this point, just to come back to it later again.

Now to describe the experience: it always comes when I start moving myself and willing myself to change in one way or another, where I start to challenge my comfort zones and start to initiate some form of creation, like new habits, new insights and sharing , basically increasing my participation in general. At some point in this process this experience emerged and it´s like I go into a war with the whole world, it seems like everything is going against me, the people, the circumstances, life itself. I start to judge everyone and go into comparison and then as I see and understand what I am doing I am going into a deep disappointment with myself in terms of where I am and who I am. Also a very common concomitant to this mental experience is a shift in the physical body where you kind of want a chiropractor to twist you and make some alignments at this point. So this is the experience in a nutshell.

Now, recently I signed up for transcribing Eqafe interviews and this is where I found so much needed support, yet again. The interview is called “Fight for your Life” and it starts with a question: “who is tired of fighting?”

… and as I was nodding my head to this question it went further …

There is a part of you that know exactly what I actually asked within that question and this fighting is that fighting with your mind, that wrestling with yourself, that burden that you have in relation to responsibilities in your life or priorities, that emotional experience or not knowing where your life is going to go or what is going to become or you or happen to you. All of that is existing within the nature of fighting.

As the interview went further it was explained that this particular experience has been very specifically designed and pre-programmed within our mind, being and body relationship and connected and interconnected to all of existence to prevent us from connecting to life substance and thus to keep us stuck in the mind consciousness system. It functions as follows …

This particular fighting program will slowly but surely start activating and rising within your beingness into your mind, take over your physical body where it will make everything about at times, more difficult than what it really is and what it needs to be. It contributes to creating the illusion of toughness, or difficulty, or challenge and it takes you into a signature where you feel everything is so tough, so difficult, challenging that you’ve got to try and fight it and then you go into this fighting experience inside yourself and you then try and come at all these problems and difficulties and challenges with this intensity, with this’ I’m going to take you on, I’m going to overthrow you, I’m going to show you that I am better

Now at this point the interview urges us to realize that this experience is just that, an experience and not an actual reality. Here it becomes very supportive to look and take physical reality as a point of reference by looking whether we are actually stuck somewhere, like are we glued to something or are we bound by some physical ropes unable to move? If that’s a yes then it’s a valid point, otherwise it’s a mind experience, not real in fact, and thus we have the capacity to walk through it with the tools we have already acquired walking this process.

It’s not to say that what I am walking is not difficult or tough but it is really not necessary to make it ten times harder for myself. It’s way better to approach situations with practical approach, like asking valid questions and seeking best solutions rather than this emotional turmoil, a war like approach to everything and everyone.

Just today i have seen this cool video done by Kelly exploring the movie ‘John Wick’ and within that a similar point of our default programming to react automatically to certain situations of actual or many times only perceived injustices with this war like attitude of fighting rather than finding that strength within ourselves to seek and take a different approach.

 

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Fear of Future

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So I haven’t written any blogs in my ‘Journey to Life’ section for quite some time now. I see at least a couple of key points that have been preventing me to do it. One is that writing implies movement, implies that I am actually walking my journey, that I am looking and investigating aspects of myself, I challenge myself and correct myself and live the change as I write/walk my journey. If that condition is not met I stagnate and my writing becomes a rather useless effort – mostly, as seen in the past, the blogs begin to repeat and spin around only the issues/problems that I am facing yet not moving through into any effective form of correction, just complaining and so sustaining my current condition. It’s like a type of depression that develops which I can use as an excuse to be lazy and do nothing.

Looking at all this and trying to understand why this stagnation takes place I recognized one important point – fear of self-responsibility/the unknown/the potential. There is no denying that walking this process with the Desteni group is making you a better being, and by better I mean more effective in every aspect of this reality, more practical, the understanding expands, the responsibility grows and within all of that ‘shit starts to become more real’ and that I find to be a rather key phrase here. It’s like everything that has been suppressed and ignored for so long starts to come to the surface and when seeing that a fear emerges of whether I am able to deal with this and what is still to come as you realize there is much more in the ‘Pandora’s box’.

For example when studying homeopathy we have been taught as well that when treating people with primarily emotional disturbances the disease will start to move and most likely manifest on the physical level ameliorating the mental state or sometimes temporary intensify emotional level. So this basically means that stuff will come to the surface and that is considered a good reaction. At this point it’s important to remain stable and not get freaked out by this manifestation but allow it to fully come out and then continue with, first, accepting that which has been revealed and, second, to continue dealing with that which has been revealed in the most efficient way. Unfortunately many people at this point get scared and fall back to modern methods of medicine which again suppress the condition bringing back the old state, though highly disturbing and uncomfortable yet familiar and ‘safe’.

So on some level this happens within me as well when walking the process: I keep falling back, standing up again to face some more aspects of reality, then again pausing for a moment. Although sometimes this feels like endless and hopeless processes yet I remind myself that no matter what happens there is still movement in terms of slowly acquainting myself with ways and methods to deal with whatever emerges, also accepting that which has been revealed, all those deeply “negative” aspects of who I am. And thus I found that every small change or realization is valuable in the overall process and these are worth writing about.

 

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Day 306: The Disease Of Loneliness

The last week was a period of some insight into myself, a rather difficult one, where I have started to see myself more clearly as what I have become and how I have been living in relation to everything and everyone, for a long time now. Sometimes I am using the Osho cards to assist myself with opening up the points for consideration. One card that kept coming up was Miser to which initially I did not pay much attention but slowly the awareness of myself as that has grown and is now undeniable, it’s here in my face.

The description of the card in the book:

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This woman has created a fortress around herself, and she is clinging to all the possessions she thinks are her treasures. In fact, she has accumulated so much stuff with which to adorn herself–including the feathers and furs of living creatures–that she has made herself ugly in the effort. This card challenges us to look at what we are clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable it needs to be protected by a fortress. It needn’t be a big bank balance or a box full of jewels–it could be something as simple as sharing our time with a friend, or taking the risk of expressing our love to another. Like a well that is sealed up and becomes stagnant from disuse, our treasures become tarnished and worthless if we refuse to share them. Whatever you’re holding on to, remember that you can’t take it with you. Loosen your grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness sharing can bring.

The are many aspects of this in my case which are intertwined between each other and I can see that it will be an effort to take it all apart. Sharing is perhaps the biggest word encompassing many parts: like the inability to share myself with another where I take much for granted together with lack of gratitude for the people I have in my world and what they have done for me. Judging everything and everyone, trying to elevate myself and in this diminishing everyone else. Valuing my space so much that no one feels welcome in it. These are the main patterns I am aware of.

Until now I was somehow managing to hide this truth from myself by occupying my mind with more benevolent thoughts building on top of who I am underneath. It’s like layers of me that I exist as and as I peel one layer another gets exposed.

This exposure became possible through the conscious effort to stop participation in the usual thoughts that pre-occupy me day in and day out. This is where I started to feel quite a discomfort because I was no longer feeding myself with the energy to keep the outer layer characters, thus exposing that which is hiding under the surface – the Miser. What lurks even deeper is yet to be discovered, but even seeing this part of myself is challenging, and even here there are many dimension that i will have to work with.

As I become more aware of the miser within me, I can see that there many aspects of it coming from various sources. Unsurprisingly the main source appears to be coming from the family. It is interesting how I was always aware of this point in my environment but I managed to distance myself from that and actually fooled myself that I am better. And yes, there was a period where I was actively breaking this bond and living the openness and sharing, but somehow in time, I have hardened myself, became lazy and simply fell back into the tracks of who I was always supposed to be as the pre-programmed self. Money for sure seems to be an important factor in this shift, because I can see that since getting a job and starting to earn money and participating in the system and in this having to put up a mask – I have compromised much and never truly found a way to create a healthy balance. To be in the system but not of it – this is the point I have missed. It was much easier to simply give in and completely become a “normal” part of the system, in this no effort, no courage, no self-will is required. Just running on a default setting.

Considering myself to be a part of the Desteni group which stands for life and the end of abuse in every way, with only minimum participation, was kind of enough to feel a tiny bit better about myself and in this way manage the madness of the reality of me. It gave me the stability but no further growth. It’s the same with everything in life – if you do the minimum this is what you get. Surely being part of Desteni even at minimum participation and in this getting stability is a good deal for anyone because if we look around in the world there is much disharmony and stability is hard to come by. This is like the first step to get to, like a platform from where more things can be considered. Thus, I am grateful for being able to utilize this platform, as all the people within it, the available courses, the thousands of interviews on EQAFE on every imaginable topic for every possible eventuality of life. I truly have to humble myself here and give thanks to the people who make this possible and whom I have taken for granted due to my miserly attitude that I have accepted as myself without truly questioning it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take people and things in my reality for granted, to take without giving back

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a fortress inside and outside where only that can enter which benefits me as who I have accepted myself to be as the character of greed and self-interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shut down any regard for people immediately dismissing them through judgment and unwillingness to consider the deeper, common ground we all share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the fortress where I protect myself from experiencing the pain in me or another, where not all is welcome but only that which fits my limited rules of engagement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create as myself the characters of apparent benevolence when the outer manifested reality as all my actions shows clearly that I am existing in complete separation and disregard for what is here in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself into and as the mind characters with absolute minimum connection to life essence, just enough to feed and sustain myself as the mind characters and maintain relative stability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everything through my limited frames of definition, categorizing and classifying everything, including myself, where thus I am trying to place myself in a better position compared to others because apparently my survival depends on that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have become a part of the biggest disease inflicting humanity as that of separation and isolation from each other and all that is here as life where through the fear of survival and fear of each other we are creating our own demise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deal only with symptoms of my disease by trying to feel better about myself, creating various ideas and believes about myself to keep myself stable instead of moving myself to discover the actual problem and where it is coming from to thus give myself the opportunity to see and live the potential that is here

I commit myself to continue self-investigation, sourcing all the courage possible to keep looking at myself as what I have become and in this find ways to forgive and correct myself

I commit myself to stop the pattern of only dealing with the symptoms of my disease/the separation that I exist in and as by trying to create relative stability in my life to actually walking and facing the deeper truth of myself

I commit myself to become comfortable with the discomfort of seeing myself for real by first accepting the parts of me that are in separation and then finding the most effective ways to transform into that which is best for all

I commit myself to continue the process of developing my awareness of the patterns that I utilize to hide from the truth of me and challenge those patterns by stopping my participation/feeding of those patterns with energy

I commit myself to work on developing the ability to welcome all parts of me into my life where I also develop self-trust to know that I can deal with whatever comes

To be continued…

 

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Full Access to the Ultimate Library for a small fee

Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

 

 

Day 305: Realizing and Living my Utmost Potential

Here I am sharing my process of aligning myself to what I see most crucial principles of life. In this blog I continue with the following principle where I will show my understanding and living application of it:

Realizing and Living my Utmost Potential

 

It has been a painful process, perhaps somewhat unnecessarily so, mostly because of this tendency to hold myself back when nothing really is holding me back – it’s usually some petty desires and irrational fears that are used as an excuse. Yes, I am wasting time.

Still, the point of realizing and living the utmost potential is constantly within my awareness. Here thus the challenge comes now, considering and including the above paragraph of holding myself back or basically considering my actual reality of who I really am at the moment, to find the most practical ways to create and live the real change.

In this time is a teacher because as the time goes by and there is no real change happening – obviously there is a misalignment somewhere, I am missing the point. And this point of self-acceptance is one of the biggest cookies to swallow. Seeing, understanding and not judging that which I uncover and expose of myself is a tough process. I mean the extent of accepted self-limitation is extreme and it is difficult and very humbling to admit to self that this is what I have become. We like to see and believe ourselves to be a bit better, more benevolent beings – we try to get validation to confirm these believes and yes, we manage and we confirm but within this confirmation we fool ourselves and we do not see ourselves for who we really are and that is why the change becomes so challenging because when we try to change there is a discrepancy, our self-allocation point does not match the reality. I mean it’s like creating all the practical steps of how to get from point A to point B when the point A is not really where we think it is, we are just not self-honest enough to admit that point A is a bit more fucked up.

So this was probably the biggest obstacle within this process of realizing and living the utmost potential. Self-honesty is thus the key to admit the actual point of the location of self. This then allows me to create practical and more effective steps to move on, no matter how small or insignificant that seems initially, the realization is that even the tiniest points of self-discipline accumulate and eventually produce some results. From here the growth happens.

The next step from here I find it supportive to utilize practical projection of how my potential could be lived in my reality. Now that I have my self-allocation point in alignment with what is real I can create more realistic projections of who I want to become, basically seeing the changes I have to walk and how to do that and how it would look like in specific situations. There is still a tendency of holding back, not committing fully to what I see I have to do – but here again I see what are the words I can implement and live to walk through these issues that arise – like for example the word patience within the understanding that as I start acting with self-discipline in small moments it will take time for self-trust to accumulate and grow into real courage to take something bigger.

In the end perhaps the biggest realization for me was the importance of small moments, apparently insignificant yet so powerful when they are done consistently over time. And so it is with the utmost potential which can be born and becomes visible from the accumulation of tiny moments as they are lived fully to the utmost. It is actually in the tiny moments that the utmost potential is hidden, it is in one breath.

 

Self-honesty

Day 304: Judging through Opinions

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This point was in front of me for a long time without me being able to truly understand and define it. It is about judging others with having the perception/belief that this judgment, which is based on the opinion, is something that is good, and when expressed it is an act of kindness that I am doing towards another. The key word in all of this is OPINION.

The fallacy in all of this was the true belief that I know better or know at all, without realizing that I was no different to Hitler imposing his opinion, his perception of reality on everyone else. The intent might be well meaning but the effects can be devastating.

I did not even realize that I was doing it until I was facing another individual who was expressing the same construct to a very high degree towards others in his reality. It was all done under the disguise of doing good and being of support to others, teaching them how to live “correctly”. It is then that I asked myself if this is something that I am also doing. Yes, absolutely, it all started to dawn on me as I was looking back at all the signs showing and revealing the truth of me.

First I am very grateful to my partner who has pointed out to me (many many times) one of the symptoms/components that was constituting this design, we can call it a JUDGE character, that I was living out. This symptom was my frequent tendency to be extremely definitive when dealing with various things in daily life. Perhaps the best statement to define my mind state would be: “I know, I have done it, it’s the BEST way to do it”, my partner however would not accept this easily and push for factual evidence of this statement which most of the time was proven completely wrong. After many such instances I started to admit to myself what I am doing and realizing that it’s not the way I want to live and as a solution I committed myself to start actually listening to others, considering and being open to other options and in general just admitting to myself that – I don’t know – is the answer I should be using more often just because that’s the truth.

I mean the tendency is to think that we know what is right and what is wrong and we feel very justified comparing others to how we live, who we are. At this point I ask myself and I question my actual level of awareness – am I aware of my own thoughts, each one and where they come from? Am I aware of my body as all the pains, discomforts I have and the movements I make and furthermore what is the source of that in all dimensions? The answer is No and then to claim that I can see and judge another in any way is an act of extreme ignorance.

So, again, when I am facing/approaching new moments I remind myself that the best I can do is to truly listen to others, ask questions and get as much factual information as possible, to try and really get in their shoes and understand where they are coming from. It’s only from here that I can begin to have glimpses into another’s life and be of any assistance when and if required.

 

Tools For Self-Support

DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Day 303: Developing Self-Trust and Self-Will by Removing the Choice

Choiceless-awareness

For a very long time I have had this idea, the understanding that I am not really moving and changing myself mostly due to the fact that I have a Choice not to. Those of us who live in the developed world, we who have our basic needs met and some extra to spare – we can afford to have a Choice.

Many times I stood at a crossroad: on the one had I have a choice to do something that I truly know will benefit me, yet that action/activity is not really fun and requires effort/discipline and then on the other hand I have a choice to indulge myself into something that I like, usually an addiction/action that gives me the instant energetic gratifying feeling.

Most people, including myself, have learned to control their addictions – basically to ensure that the choice remains. I mean if you really let yourself go and become total addict most likely you will lose everything and at some point the choices become very limited – most likely it’s the infinite downward spiral from where recovery can only come with heroic effort. So it’s best to keep it in control – putting minimal amount of effort just to keep yourself afloat. That stability, however, is rather difficult to maintain as we tend to overdo on the addictions – and after the fall we wallow in all the emotions, extensive self-judgments, depression, then we also tell ourselves that it’s no big deal and that all will change from now on. I think we all know the drill and how it goes -nothing ever changes.

The solution

As a possible solution to this problem I used to always ask myself – How the hell do I make myself realize that I do not have the choice? Or how do I remove from myself the choice to self-sabotage? Or basically how do I develop the necessary self-will to make the right choice?

First thing that appears to be the key in this process is the idea of “free choice” and the understanding that it’s not really free and that all the choices have consequences. If we look at most addictive activities in this reality they appear really cheap or even free – i.e. addiction to social media browsing is just one click away, alcohol in many places is cheaper than a bottle of water, most pornography sites are free and all we need is just a dark corner to hide, meeting a friend over coffee to gossip about other friends usually involves just a cup of coffee and maybe a glass of wine to add some extra tone to the conversation and the list goes on. So observing and understanding the full extent of consequences of every choice should be included in the “cost” of any given choice. They might not be obvious at a first glance but with a bit of self-honesty we can see how the choices we make have ripple effects spreading over time and space. So this understanding and seeing the whole picture of any choice already brings me one step closer to removing some choices that I know have very high costs involved. Also a good practice is to try and project yourself into the future considering the choices you make and accumulative effect of those choices – so basically it’s a calculation according to the input and seeing what is the possible output in the long term.

The second key that works for me is the commitment of some actions that I know I can stick to and have that as my base line. For example, about 7 months ago I started the challenge of doing 100 push ups every day no matter what. I noticed that this challenge and the commitment to do this emerged naturally within me – at the right moment and at the right time. Firstly, it was because my body was lacking in vigor and strength due to prolonged lack of physical exercise. Secondly, for me physical exercise is something I am familiar with, I had extensive physical training in the past and thus I knew that this challenge is something that I am comfortable with and can quite easily stick to it. So this commitment was already a good exercise in learning how to remove choice from my life. I took this challenge telling myself that I will do it for at least a year and that’s it, no excuses allowed – case closed so to speak. And as I do my push ups on a daily basis I also consider and ponder on this very act of pushing myself up and in this I look where else can I apply some pushing to grow and better myself in my reality.

So having even this one point of commitment was extremely supportive and kept me many times above the water so to speak even in the darker times. It’s like there is slowly but surely some self-trust emerging and the knowing that if I commit myself to something I have the ability to stick to it. After doing this for a while very naturally the next point of commitment emerged, it really felt like I am ready and willing to grow and expand further. This next challenge which I started and which I truly consider to be very important and extremely beneficial – is writing. This commitment came as I was watching a known educator John Taylor Gatto telling a story about Harvard students who were asked to write 1000 words each and every day on any topic. As they were doing their writings they believed that this will be used to assess and determine their future so they have put a lot of effort into it – they did it for years until it was discovered that all the papers are collected and burned as the box would get full. After this became know the practice was stopped – but the benefit for those who participated was deep and lasting, they developed extreme proficiency in writing and expressing themselves and that is definitely a skill worth having in today’s world. So 1000 words a day as a challenge seemed a bit much for the beginning but as I started sharing myself with myself in writing I saw that this is exactly what I needed. Sharing for me is a keyword and definitely a topic for another blog. In any case 1000 words is another non debatable practice I started and due to it not being a choice but something I have committed to do I almost do not experience resistance or very little because I understand that resistance to do something that I have to do in any case will only make it harder. So why resist the inevitable.

As I was sharing this practice with a friend of mine he immediately suggested another point I could take on – to play music he said. Ok… so that was a bit unexpected and yet immediately I recognized the significance of taking such a challenge which is completely outside my area of familiarity. What I mean is that I am in a way stuck and repeat only the things that I am comfortable and familiar with, so doing something so different is bound to break some comfort zones and cause a welcome expansion. Cool…challenge accepted, and because I have my girlfriend’s guitar at home I started my challenge the same day, half an hour a day practicing playing guitar.

So it appears that not having a choice is not such a bad thing after all. When the choice exists then the mind will always find the best sounding excuses to move towards self-gratifying activities for which the cost, at the end of the day, is great and requires extra effort to stand up, just to return to the same choice again, however, now with even greater resistance as the pattern of choosing self-sabotage is more crystallized.

Still it’s never too late to begin, even after we have been making bad choices for a long time, we can still forgive ourselves and start the process no matter how slowly or small. What I found very supportive is the suggestion that was made in one of the EQAFE interview and that is to forgive ourselves for the very act of deliberately deceiving ourselves. I mean at some point we cannot claim the innocence anymore because we keep repeating same patterns that we know very well are abusive and destructive not only to ourselves but everyone around us. That is the point where we are deliberate in our actions. I saw within myself this subtle underlying belief/idea that at this point I am beyond forgiveness and because of this i kept spinning within the same cycles. It was a layer I was not able to see but when it was pointed out I immediately saw and used the opportunity to give myself another chance and forgive myself for the very act of continuously and deliberately deceiving myself. Also with this came a realization that I have to take my process very seriously from now on, because there are only so many chances and opportunities and at some point all doors are bound to close for good.

BEST TOOLS FOR SELF SUPPORT
 
DIP Lite – Free Online Course, basic tools of self-support 

DIP PRO – More serious education, to really grasp the mechanics of the Mind

SOUL –  The School of Ultimate Living 

eqafe.com – Invest in a wide range of Interviews and Support yourself to Self Perfection
Journey To Life Blogs – Read the blogs from those walking the 7 year journey to life.

Day 302: Direction

In my previous blog I touched on the point of judgment which I was able to identify first of all through seeing that in others and later realizing how much of it I have stored within myself.

So now I started looking at how I have gotten myself in this position, where it is coming from and also what solutions can be applied. It seems like I am existing in a big mix of subtle emotional experiences that prevent any real movement. There is a lot of resistance to even start the process of understanding what is truly happening and confusion in figuring out where to begin. In this way the whole time I spend trying to maintain some form of stability which in the end is simply accumulating into inevitable repetition of the same old patterns I have been living in the past. Surely this makes sense because if I am not the directive principle of my life then I give all the responsibility to my automated mind systems to create the same stuff that’s always been created in the past. In this way of course I am heading for yet another cycle and I definitely see this progression where even in my relationship with my new partner I can already see old patterns emerging which I have promised to myself I will never repeat.

The emotional experience that comes within all this is anxiety. Even though it is very subtle it is still there and in a way it is like an indication that I do not have the necessary self-trust to get through these old patterns and really change. And that is understandable because I have in a way betrayed myself many times when I promised to myself and committed to do something and yet I failed by not pushing myself enough. So this anxiety is like a knowing that I am going to repeat myself and make the same mistakes once more. I do know, like probably most of us, where this path leads and how painful the consequences can be if I do not stand by my decisions to change the direction I am going.

I had an interesting dream when I started looking at this point of direction where in this dream I found myself in a familiar place, it was a big crossroad. I knew that I have been here many times before and I had a memory of how this road looked before whereas now it was rather different, a little bit more complex with more roads connected to it and also a different setup. When standing there, or rather during the moment of reaching this crossroad I had a few moments to decide upon the direction to take and I chose the road on the left side which I joyfully recognized as the road I have been always taking. Also interesting to note that in the back there was a presence of my mother which for me is associated with such words as safety, support, and familiar. Further in the dream I remember experiencing this anxiety I was talking about and I have also seen how this anxiety creates the experience of rushing in my reality because I create another set of believes like “the times is running out”. This again is not of any assistance in my process because I start thinking about all the things I have to do, become overwhelmed by all that and end up doing nothing – which is exactly this old road I have travelled down so many times before. I know where it ends and that’s not where I want to be.

Crossroads-600x355

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to overwhelm myself with all the thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of slowing down and realizing that I cannot solve everything at once and that I have to start with a single point, the tip of the iceberg and slowly work my way towards deeper understanding and self-discovery

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within anxiety when and as I see myself moving in a direction where I know that I am most likely going to repeat the same old patterns

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of rushing when and as I start experiencing anxiety wherein I create the idea that I am late, I need to move faster

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how within this experience of rushing I am trying to move as fast as possible and in this I lose all touch with myself and become totally overwhelmed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, understand and realize the simplicity of the process as the consistency of daily self-application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the enjoyment and the excitement of self-discovery where instead I have convinced myself that self-investigation is hard work

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my dreams within the belief that I am not able to change them instead of realizing the supportive nature of dreams to show the consequences of my accepted patterns if I choose to continue living them

 

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself creating an emotion of overwhelmingness to stop, take a breath and realize that all I have to be concerned about is working with one point at a time and as long as I am consistent in my daily application

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating in anxiety about repeating old patterns, stop myself, breathe and realize that my anxiety is a consequence of many failures and thus it will take time to rebuild trust in myself by proving to myself that I can stand by my decisions and also to make sure I do not make the mistake of trying to live up to big decisions but begin with small seemingly insignificant moments within understanding that the big things consist of many small ones

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the experience of rushing within the thoughts that I am late, I need to move faster, stop myself, breathe and realize that through this experience I am not really seeing where and how I am moving and I am much more likely to move into my old patterns of behaviour where I lose touch with myself, my body and thus I slow down and focus myself on specific points that I decide to work on

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself going into the resistance to write and apply myself by having the idea that this is hard and difficult stop myself, breathe and remind myself that when I am moving slowly and when I am focused I am actually finding out a lot about myself and even though it’s not always pleasant it is actually refreshing and enjoyable

I commit myself to, when and as I see myself fearing my dreams, stop myself and realize that dreams are here to support me and in many cases are cool warning signs of what will happen if I do not change and that I am actually able to change what I have seen towards a different direction through self-directive self-application

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LINKS FOR SELF-SUPPORT: