Most of my life I spent as a follower, standing and remaining in the background, waiting until some direction opens up for me to walk into. What I am saying is that I have never truly directed myself but was always directed by outside forces. Now what are those forces and what does it even mean to direct oneself?
Even those instances where I have apparently made decisions within my life, if traced back and dissected into detail, it is obvious that it wasn’t really my decisions and thus it’s not my own self-directed path that I walked as an outcome of that. Here meaning that each decision I have made was a thought process where I was taking the information, looking through all my past experiences and within this deciding, according to my feelings basically, how to proceed. In this one must consider that all the past experiences, examples of the past are not mine per se but learned patterns from those who went before me. Essentially since birth I was like a walking sponge that absorbed, unquestioningly, all the information and this in the end formed me as who i am now. From this it can be seen that without real awareness all the decisions and choices made in life are preprogrammed, they are based on the past. The past being essentially the basis for all beliefs, perceptions, attitudes, opinions on which decisions are made.
Now the best way for me to understand self-directive decision making is, for example, within my personal process where I see some unwanted behavior patterns that I exercise in my daily living and thus I make self-directive decision to change and correct those patterns to support myself in creating new, more effective ways of being. That can be applied to addictive behaviors for example where I utilize self-discipline, self-investigation, self-correction to step out from that destructive behavior and create a new one that supports me. It’s certainly best done in writing as it gives a tangible layout of the problem and the solution, where I can create the exact steps that I need to walk towards self-directed self-correction.
From here this self-directedness can be applied within all situations in one’s reality where through constant investigation of own reality and seeing clearly the problems and within that what needs to be done as solutions we apply best practical ways to accomplish that. The crucial point still being the clarity of mind where we ensure that energy is not influencing our choices and thus in no way is determining the outcome. Self-honesty being the key to ensure there is no reaction, no energetic movement while making the decision. I found in my own process many times that even though practically my decision seemed valid, yet in self-honesty I could see that the starting point was corrupt, meaning for example, there was a desire to get my way or to win over another, I was in and as energy, either being irritated or angry, or wanting to show off or whatever that motivated my willingness to “direct myself”. By definition this is not self-direction but the energy/the past was directing me and as a consequence of that I only fueled, with energy, the systems within myself and within the world as a whole. So, basically, until we stop participation within energy, as the polarity system within the equation of our living we will never be free of wars and conflict within and without.
Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how most decisions I have made in my life were outcomes of energy in motion where I was not making self-directive decisions in and as awareness but being possessed by either positive or negative energy which pushed me to move in certain direction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all my reactions which led me to move and make decisions were all based on my personality with all it’s beliefs, opinions, perceptions learned from the past and I have never stopped to ask a question but who am I within it all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question myself as my thoughts, my beliefs and my perceptions but accepted them blindly to be a real part of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my thoughts, to be an active participant in this process of thinking and then express and manifest this inner process in my reality without much critical reasoning in all of that
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be persuaded, distracted, tempted by my thoughts even when I see the obvious destructive force it brings to my living
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of gifting myself with a clear and practical self-direction process and ensuring that it takes absolute precedence over the thoughts that try to justify, excuse and validate another course of action
I commit myself to start laying a stable foundation in the form of clear and comprehensible map of self-directed actions that I should follow as my primary guidance in my daily living in order to create myself as the leader and not the follower
When and as thoughts arise within me trying to distract, persuade, tempt me away from a self-directed agreement I have made with myself, I stop, I breathe and I take these thoughts to “the court” for a critical evaluation to thus see what they actually are presenting as their case and within this decide what is the best course to correction
In my next blog I will be continuing with self-corrective process to ensure I have a comprehensible layout of what needs to be lived in order to ensure real change
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