Day 28: Comprehesion

I found myself often getting angry/irritated when reading chats or articles which I am unable to comprehend. That is especially prevalent when following group chats where I just never seem to be able to catch up with the conversations that people share. For me it takes a long time to digest the information and I really have to slow myself down and read slowly until I comprehend. So when I am not able to participate as equal I get angry, basically with myself and I go into the emotion of inferiority where within that I try to uplift myself by judging people. This is a really nasty pattern and definitely requires immediate correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and irritated when I am not able to follow the conversations people are having in chats where within that I place myself as inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that going into emotion I am sabotaging even more my ability to follow and comprehend the conversations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people when I cannot stand equal to their understanding where within that I start back chatting about them, that nasty voice in the back of my head which says that people are faking their understanding or that they just don’t know what they are talking about

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot understand or comprehend anything until I am busy in my mind with thoughts feeling and emotions where I am not being here with and as the conversation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I just should be able to understand and comprehend everything without actually investigating that specific topic within which I am participating without realizing that I have to actually participate in everything that is happening and apply myself constantly and consistently in order to stand as equal to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that comparison plays a major role within my comprehension ability where I look at people’s words not as they are but as who is writing them and who I believe this other person is and what I believe his capabilities are and when the person whom I have categorized into certain label fails to confirm his position in my categorization table I go into a reaction, especially when a person that I have defined as less than me shows more comprehension as I initially believed I go into anger/irritation and judgment of myself where within that I am completely lost in my mind instead of being here with the conversation and the information that is shared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know people where I have categorized them in my mind placing a label of who they are and who I am in relation to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to categorize people within better/same as me/worse than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am unable to get out of my mind and stop this categorization/judgment within myself instead of slowing down and placing all focus on myself and my ability to comprehend the information where within that I realize that by categorizing/judging people I am creating friction within myself where I produce energy that fuels my mind and thus my limitation as who I am as the mind where within that limitation I am separate from everyone else and thus exist in relations to others either more/same/ or less than another –so basically I am creating my own doom by participating in this doom

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the world turns around me where I have all these different parts as people and things spinning around to which I created all the relationships of more/same/or less than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to be someone, that I have to be separate from the rest where within that I have to constantly and continually hold the idea of myself, to constantly place myself in relation to others where I endlessly generate the energy by being in constant friction trying to uphold the idea of me – where within that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that this energy has to be extracted from my physical body where I am slowly eating myself just to uphold the idea of myself as separate entity instead of realizing that I can decide to stop all judgment and stand equal to all parts of myself and stop energy generation and abuse of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly desire to know and see things from the starting point of the mind where I use that knowledge to improve myself/become more without realizing that all I can ever be is already here and the only way to see myself here is to stop the searching because within searching I am constantly moving away from here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that all my troubles are created by my desire be someone where I don’t realize my equality to all that is here through our physicality but instead I went into my consciousness where I separated myself from everything and everyone

When and as I see myself participating in judgment towards others while participating in chats I stop myself I breathe and I realize that I am creating friction within myself where I am separating myself further and further away into my mind reality where I lose my ability to be here and participate as equal within interaction with other beings

When and as I see myself reacting to the information that people share I stop and breathe – I go back as many times as I have to and reread the information slowly word by word where I integrate what’s been shared until i stand equal to that information and thus i realize that sin time I will become more efficient in my comprehension ability

When and as I see myself rushing from point to point without comprehending what i went through just moment ago I stop and I go back to do my “homework”

I commit myself to be patient with myself and push myself toward becoming effective and efficient within my comprehension ability where I am able to stand as equal to other participants

I commit myself to improve my understanding through writing, speaking, voicing myself within communication with other people

I commit myself to stop all fear of making mistakes of fear of being seen as inadequate where within that I can start seeing myself in self-honesty and see where I am actually standing with my comprehension

I commit myself to want to be more because within that I fear doing anything that I perceive will put me into a position of being less – where I basically, again, fear making mistakes to not put myself as less.

I commit myself to be self-honest in who I am where within that I can start seeing the reality of me, instead of the desired ideal of me, and within that find real/actual solution to perfect myself in the state where i will be most effective