Day 29: Desiring People to Change before I Change Myself

When observing people at work I am constantly trying to identify any individuals that might be able to understand the Desteni message. I am specially drawn to people that remind me in some way the Destonians that I know. Within that a spark of hope lights up within me and I start watching them very closely to try and see who they are in their expression. I look whether there is something that is within them that would prove that they are not yet lost in their mind realities but still have some life within them screaming and asking to get out.

I don’t speak or share myself openly here at work because I am afraid that might cost me my position. I tried to do that before and it didn’t work well so now I remain mostly silent and communicate only work related matters. Still there is a desire within me to have someone to talk to and share myself because being surrounded day in and day out by just human ignorance is kind of sad and I get a bit lonely. I try to connect with people but still I can’t get beyond the superficial level that we all present here at work, basically out of fear of survival. I mean people have to sustain their personalities with all the relationships because that is something they know and something that ensures their income and survival. The same with me – I have learned how to hold myself to not make any ripples and thus ensure my position. It’s like an armor that I wear daily within which I become like the rest – insensitive to pain of the truth of me and this reality.

So existing within this armor I cannot really communicate to people to see who they really are thus I am just closely observing them and trying to find something that slips within their behavior. Another problem is the language as most here are Dutch speakers, the language I do not understand. So I am left with body language. So basically I cannot really assess people without direct communication and so I am mostly assuming and hoping.

Most of the time I am left disappointed as those whom I initially categorized as sensitive, caring beings prove that they are not really that. I mean it’s like you see within almost all people that goodness inside but it’s completely covered by the role personality that they play and which is very hard to break.

So after all I am in a way discarding this place because there is just too much fear for people to open up because opening up means some pain and that weakness is not allowed here, not in the system of survival. Still within that I cannot allow myself the emotion of uselessness and sadness to take over me because that immediately reflects in my environment and people start to react around me and freak out a little. So I really have remain stable here, which so far I have been doing with balancing my thoughts instead of learning to be stable within my breath. When I try and remain in breath everything kind of opens up and I am not able to handle myself – which obviously requires practice and patience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the uselessness when seeing all the people at work where within that uselessness I become sad and depressed thus compromising my stability within self-application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people for being so ignorant and only care for self-interest and who look at people that care for this world as crazy and weak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing to people that I care for this world because when I do I get misunderstood and called crazy and thus within that I fear that I will not be able to handle peoples attacks and thus lose my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for people that would show that they care for this world instead of doing it myself and thus within seeing people’s reactions I would know who is who

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself and what I am doing even when people show genuine interest to listen where within that I haven’t realized that I can find a way how to present myself in a way that wouldn’t compromise my position at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge certain people as being untrustworthy without really knowing them where I hide myself from them at all costs as I believe they might expose me to all and I will not be able to stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my application of self –forgiveness and self-corrective applications is useless because I am not even able to share such simple things as that I care for this world where within that I go into the feeling of uselessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe humanity doesn’t stand a chance because I don’t see any sign from anyone in my reality that would show that they care even a little without realizing that in my current placement I am also the same because of the pressure that system puts making us play our roles and keep the earning capacity of the company stable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from others to take actions that I am not willing to take myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect from people to stand within the system without realizing that they have no clue what to do as they have never been exposed to any plausible alternatives – like equal money system

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be patient in self-application where I develop myself into a being that can stand stable no matter what happens and from there start challenging the system – so the work start with myself and myself alone

I commit myself to work on myself until I can stand unwavering in each situation that I face in my world and from there knowing that people will start asking questions themselves as they will see an alternative with their own eyes

I commit myself to stop searching for change outside myself before I change within, where I realize that the external change can only come together or after the inner change happens as it is obvious looking at the state of the world which is a reflection of our inner realities – as for example the manifestation of war which is equal and one to how we rage wars inside ourselves

I commit myself to be the change without wanting/desiring my world to change as the desire/want implies that I haven’t changed inside – and when I change inside the outer will follow as I will live the change as myself making a ripple effect in my world and reality

I commit myself to stop all needs/wants/desires in relation to changing people and focusing totally and completely upon myself where I first understand in utmost specificity how I function as mind consciousness system and from there seeing and understanding the path that needs to be walked to implement the change – where I can later assist and support people to walk the same path

I commit myself to practice breathing application as I see it’s the single most important factor in determining my ability move effectively in my process of change