Each time before writing a blog I go through other people’s writings looking for an example. Because I do not trust myself. It’s not just in writing but pretty much everything I do. I look at others and try to copy them. Funny when I look for example at my drawing patterns throughout my life, all I was ever able to do was to copy some pictures I see with my eyes and perhaps my greatest creation of art I have ever done is a conglomeration of some copied objects that I can call my own just because I came up with the combination of them. Also I remember when I saw myself first time on camera speaking, I could see copied parts of my expression and I could even see where most of these parts come from. So I had this big question then: what is MY expression then? Who am I? If all I see is parts of other people copied and put together to make a personality called Arvydas. But then when I looked around I noticed the same about other people in my reality where each was just a makeup of different patterns of behavior.
So I never trusted myself to express myself but always used others as reference to express myself. I never realized that one can trust self; this thought has never entered my mind because I perceived myself as tiny, insignificant little being that needs to copy others and follow them. I would always find someone as my authority and try to live up to them by saying and acting as them. I was in complete separation from myself and my own common sense. I mean I participate in my reality, I see it and I experience it – shouldn’t it be my responsibility to trust myself in this and act as myself with what I see and experiences.
So as I see it now it was always my fear to take self-responsibility for my world. I mean if I really trust myself then I will express myself as who I am and I will see myself and I will see my world and obviously it’s not a beautiful sight that will open up. Thus this fear is like a protection mechanism to not look at myself in self-honesty. So I always chose to hide and give away my trust to others that apparently are bigger than me not really caring where that leads me or everyone else because I can justify later that it wasn’t me. So it’s a complete abdication of self-responsibility and a choice to remain limited in my existence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself but give away my trust to others out of fear to take self-responsibility for myself and my world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to trust my self-honesty where within that I would express myself without fear that I will do something bad for which I will not be able to stand
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not intelligent enough to trust myself and thus within that I searched for someone outside of me who is more intelligent and knows better
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-trust needs to be developed where I prove to myself that I can be trusted – that can be done by being consistent in writing self, constantly investigating my world and my reality and how I exist in relation to it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to realize that self-trust is in my breath where I am not thinking – as the thoughts fuck me around in polarities and in this way I am never stable and thus I cannot trust myself
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have to constantly check my self-trust in action where I make commitments to do something and where it will become clear who I am within that and whether I can trust myself with more and more responsibility
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that by not trusting myself I am hiding and avoiding self-responsibility and thus within that I am not my own authority but simply a follower of other forces that do live self-trust and take the responsibility
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that self-trust must be trusting self that I will always act in ways that is best for all and if I do not take that step I allow the continuation of what exists currently where all the responsibility lies in the hands of those that do not care about what is best for all but only act in ways to satisfy their own greed thus it’s my responsibility to trust myself and act in self-trust to stop this atrocity because in self-honesty I can see what is really happening and that I am responsible for that directly or indirectly
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that this world is interconnected and actions of each being influence the lives of others thus within seeing what is happening in this world and not doing anything about it because of the believe that I cannot trust myself I am actually stating that I am the evil one who doesn’t give a fuck about what is happening, the same statement as those who abuse directly are doing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that statement “I do not trust myself” is a very comfortable statement which allows me to not take any action but continue existing in my little mind bubble without doing the work and changing myself to stand up and do something about what I see around me
Thus I commit myself to develop my self-trust constantly in my reality where I take on different tasks that will contribute to making a world that is best for all and thus within that I will see who I am and whether I can live self-trust or I am just another self-interest driven being that will rather trust others and follow them to the grave
I commit myself to stop any and all believes that I am in any way not good enough to become a being that can trust myself with doing and acting what’s best for all in all ways
I commit myself to investigate myself and my reality where within that I develop self-trust as I get to know myself closing the gap of separation between me and my world where I realize that I am one and equal to all that is here and that it is my responsibility to take care for myself
I commit myself to stop all thoughts feelings and emotions as they cannot be trusted as they are unstable and thus they influence the ability to trust myself
Arvydas' Journey to Life 