This blog is continuation in the series where I take the point of studying as well as approaching any other tasks/assignments in my reality. My initial blog as overview is here: “Day 148: I have never been a good student. Is it too late?”
Here I am continuing with the physical dimension where my thoughts, inner conversations, reactions bring me to the point of physical experiences/actions that I fall into without much awareness. Today I am looking at a distraction that I allow myself to be occupied with – that is playing with my fingers
Physical Behavior
Playing with my fingers
This behavior has been around for years already where in moments I just start playing with my fingers without any actual understanding how and why I do it. It happens in various situations: when I am bored, watching a movie, doing tasks/assignments etc. I really enjoy doing this where I put the tips of the fingers of both hands together and just experience the sensation of touching. Seems harmless but within the I can see that mostly it is some type of escape mechanism that I utilize and that is especially obvious in moments when I am doing some tasks where very suddenly I just “back up” within me and start this play forgetting for a moment about the task. Still somehow within me I manage to justify that this moment of “backing up” is an action of looking at the point that is within my task, yet that is not true because I get completely lost in this sensation and usually I find it quite challenging to stop it and get back to the task.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the act of playing with my fingers with positive energetic charge where within that whenever I go into a negative experience while doing my tasks/assignments I immediately start playing with my fingers thus not dealing with my negative experiences that I connected to doing my tasks
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the act of playing with my fingers as nothing wrong because all I do is enjoying the touch of my fingers while in self honesty I can see how this action distracts me completely from the task/assignment I am doing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this pattern for years where it became an addiction and a normal thing that I do without questioning it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify this act by saying to myself that I am in this moment looking at the point within task/assignment when in self-honesty it is obvious that I become blank in that moment without any supportive outcome but only a lost moment and distraction from which it becomes rather difficult to return to the task/assignment I was doing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am using the act of playing with my fingers to escape from what I am experiencing within me while doing my task/assignment
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop myself in the moment when the urge comes to play with my fingers and investigate what it is exactly I am resisting to face within my task/assignment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead of using my fingers for typing/doing tasks use them for self-indulgence into the positive experience I get while playing with them
I commit myself to within moments of urge to distract myself from the task/assignment stop myself, breathe, slow down and within that see what happened in the moment where the urge appeared, what resistances, fears, desires I have that keep me away from doing my practical responsibilities/commitments
I commit myself to establish within me self-trust of knowing that when I start with some task/assignment I will move through with it until it is done and whatever distraction arise in the moment I just stop and realize that I have the power to direct myself away from these distractions and finish the task/assignment no matter what
I commit myself to realize that taking my power back from the automated mind possession will be a process that will require consistency and patience because throughout my life I have allowed the mind to develop into huge power controlling most of my actions
I commit myself to within the process of change utilize breathing application whenever the mind throws its tantrums trying to reestablish old patterns of behavior realizing that I can walk through any chaos with this simplistic tool of breathing and remaining here no matter what
I commit myself to become physical practical being utilizing the time here on earth to work with real physical tools and structures instead of creating the castles in the sky in my mind alternate reality
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Arvydas' Journey to Life 